AIBU to ask, if you acquired a sum of money (around £7,000 to £12,000,) on a lottery ticket win for example - would you keep it from your husband/partner?

[HulaTheHedgehog]

Just that really. ^

I was having a conversation with a few people earlier today about this, and I just wondered what people would do.

So, if you acquired/won say, £7000 to £12,000, would you keep it from your husband/partner? Or would you tell him?

(This is assuming of course, that you're able to get the money/hide it from them.)

So YANBU = yes I would keep it from him ...

And YABU = no, I would NOT keep it from him...

Also, if you DID keep it from him, WHY would you keep it from him? What would your reasons be?

Thanks in advance for commenting/voting (if you do!)

It depends, if we had our own seperate finances then probably wouldnt tell him. But if we had joint money then i would most likely mention a small win.

My ex was, if not exactly financially abusive, certainly difficult on that front.

I paid my agreed share each month but if I couldn't for any reason (eg having sole responsibility for Christmas/birthday gifts, or an unexpected bill) there were tantrums and threats, even though my personal income was half of his.

So...in that situation, notwithstanding when I was actually planning my exit, I would have decided what I wanted to spend the money on then tell him I'd won that amount...and keep the rest a secret.

@bruce43mydog

It depends, if we had our own seperate finances then probably wouldnt tell him. But if we had joint money then i would most likely mention a small win.

A ‘small win’ to some is a humongous win for many. We could go on our first holiday for years.

I would tell him i had enough money to spend on a holiday or whatever. But wouldn't tell him the exact amount.

Me and dp keep separate finances and assets. We dont have shared children. We are both are generous with eachother. But both private about exact details of our money.

I was in a financially abusive marriage. Won't ever join finances or share the detail with someone again.

I’d tell my DP and it would likely be spent on a joint asset - mortgage or car or something

I would tell my DH but we are in a good relationship, on the same page financially, and I’d want to plan what we did with the windfall together.

If I was in secret debt or didn’t trust my husband for whatever reason those are the only times I can think I would keep it secret.

I'd definitely tell DH without a second thought.

My mum recently had 8k and hasn't told my dad or anyone. I only know because I helped her claim (ppi). They don't have a joint account but do share expenses. Generally neither of them like talking about money.

Thanks for the responses!

A couple of women I spoke to today, said they would not tell him, because he would want to spend it. And even though they're quite comfortable at the moment, they would go downhill fast (financially) if they lost a wage. So they'd like to keep most of it for a safety net. They'd pay debts if they had them, but if not, just keep it for emergencies.

My cousin's DH has been pining for a motorbike for a year or so, and they really can't afford it, and would struggle with the upkeep (maintenance/fuel/tax/MOT etc,) on top of their car, and she said if HE got wind of an extra £10K or so, the first thing he would do is buy a motorbike. And then some golf clubs and a subscription to the local golf club for 3 years! He wouldn't think 'hey that money could be a financial buffer if we get into trouble.'

I don't think it necessarily shows a problem in your relationship if you kept it from him. Everyone keeps SOME kind of secret from their partner.. Also, it seems that the women more likely to keep quiet about it (from women I have spoken to,) are the ones who are not well off financially, and they are cautious about it being spent on unnecessary things... and they'd rather save it for emergencies. If people are quite wealthy (£100K income+ per year between them,) then £7,000 to £12,000 is a drop in the ocean.

Not sure what I would do. I feel like I would say I had won something, but if it was £12,000, say it was £5000. Then have some fun and treats with the £5000 whilst keeping the £7000. Not for me, but for a time when we really really need it.

Like with many men I know, DH would probably squander it, and put it towards a new car that we DON'T need. Or book a £4,000 cruise! I am more frugal and grounded and would keep it for emergencies. Around half of it anyway!

I am not sure about the 'splitting it' idea that as been mentioned. What if you won £12,000 and split it 50/50, (and had £6,000 each,) and he just squandered his £6,000 on fluff and crap, and you had YOUR £6,000 still intact? Would you share your £6,000 with him if he had spent HIS £6000,and he suddenly needed money for something? I mean REALLY??? No matter how much you love him/care about him. Would you share yours if he spent his half?

Be interesting to know how many really would share their own £6,000 in real life. (Once their partner squandered his.) And even if they did, if they would be deeply resentful.

You kidding, I’d be straight in the phone to tell him! All money is shared

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I'd definitely tell DH without a second thought.

My mum recently had 8k and hasn't told my dad or anyone. I only know because I helped her claim (ppi). They don't have a joint account but do share expenses. Generally neither of them like talking about money.

Did your mum say why she never told your dad?

Been together 25 years. We even share socks. So DH would be the first person I'd tell, and we'd go out and get pissed together to celebrate.
We have joint bank accounts, life insurance, house insurance, car insurance.....we've been through shit the last 5 years and I could never imagine not telling him.

I'd tell him immediately, ideally right before we got in the car to the travel agent to book ourselves a dream holiday or 3.

I'd be concerned about a relationship where this was a secret.

Of course I would tell him, just as he would tell me - what's the point of being married if you keep financial matters to yourself!

Well maybe my answer above is coloured by the fact that my DH is nothing like the men you mention OP. He barely spends any money on himself and absolutely wouldn’t want to waste it on shit for himself, he’d want to use it to benefit the whole family.

I definitely wouldn't worry about dp spending it at all. That wouldn't be a concern at all

Like with many men I know, DH would probably squander it, and put it towards a new car that we DON'T need. Or book a £4,000 cruise! I am more frugal and grounded and would keep it for emergencies. Around half of it anyway!

But this just shows (as with the other women/men in your examples) that you don’t trust your DH financially. It is a bit of a problem in a relationship, don’t you think? Aligned financial priorities are important. Anyone who’d buy a motorbike or book a £4K cruise without making sure their partner is OK with joint money being spent on that is not being a good partner…

I am not sure about the 'splitting it' idea that as been mentioned. What if you won £12,000 and split it 50/50, (and had £6,000 each,) and he just squandered his £6,000 on fluff and crap, and you had YOUR £6,000 still intact? Would you share your £6,000 with him if he had spent HIS £6000,and he suddenly needed money for something? I mean REALLY??? No matter how much you love him/care about him. Would you share yours if he spent his half?

I don’t really see how that’s remotely similar to splitting it? Why would you make it 50/50 and then also give half of your portion to your partner, making it 25/75? Presumably if you were so fixated on ‘my money vs your money’ it would be a pay back situation if you then used one partner’s half on a joint expense.

I personally do think it’s weird and a sign of flaws in a relationship if someone came into 12k and actively kept it a secret from their partner.

My husband would definitely be the first, possibly the only person I would tell.
We would probably agree a portion to spend jointly, so a holiday, something for the house etc and the 50/50 the rest to spend how we want. Wouldn’t bother me if he spent his on “fluff”, I’m sure he would think some of my purchases were frivolous too.

I’d tell my DH but only because I know he’d agree it was my money to do with as I wished. In our current situation, I’d spend some on a modest family holiday and put the rest into (my) savings. We share all family expenses but have separate savings accounts - I think it’d be unwise not to.

Absolutely not. It would be ours not mine.

@NoSquirrels

No he wouldn't just spend it, without my 'OK' but he would WANT to. That's why I said I would say I had won say £5K even if it was £10K. Spend some and keep some.

@luxxlisbon

ALL relationships have 'flaws.'

Yes I would tell him, just as he told me when he received a totally unexpected inheritance a few years ago and discussed jointly how we would spend the money ... in our 35+ years of marriage we have always shared one bank account, both had equal access to it and never argued about money. But we have very similar frugal attitudes towards finance ... I can't imagine being with someone who would just go out and spend a lump sum on a car or anything extravagant.

All our money has always been shared, so of course I’d tell him.

I’d pay off my debts which would be about £7k

Then whatever is remaining I’d tell dh I’d won

I'd give my husband the bulk of it , as he'd keep it safe.
Whereas I'd be swiftly on to Amazon/other online retailers buying shite that we really don't need.