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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else hate the thought of being centre of attention at a wedding?

113 replies

Neverafrownwithgoldenbrown · 10/04/2022 20:01

Or did you go through with it and it wasn't as bad as you thought?
I'm a very shy person and I really don't like the thought of having all eyes on me all day, everyone commenting on my dress and how I look, having to talk to people all day long).

I'd love to get married but really don't like the thought of this, maybe I should just go to a registry office if my partner's happy with that?

Anyone else ?

OP posts:

crazycatgal · 10/04/2022 22:05

I feel exactly the same, which is why we're getting married next year without any guests 😀

linenalltheway · 10/04/2022 22:06

I tried to make it low key so didn't have adult bridesmaids only some little nieces. This was a mistake as it meant I didn't have a buffer between me and all the people fussing.
I wish I'd just got a friend to do the photos
But I just tried to focus on the fact I only really cared about marrying DH

TheDogsMother · 10/04/2022 22:08

We had a total of 15 at our wedding. We had always planned this number but marrying at the 2nd attempt during Covid meant this was the maximum number anyway. We had a registrar at beautiful venue that is very special to us followed by a late and leisurely lunch in a private dining room at the same venue. Our guests loved it especially as it was the first excuse to dress up and go out for absolutely ages 🤣

LuckyCharm9 · 10/04/2022 22:10

Yep! We went to Vegas and got married, just the two of us. Elvis was not present before anyone asks
I couldn’t bear the thought of the first dance with everyone watching, the family invite politics or the sheer cost. £3k all in, including flight and hotel on the strip for 5 nights.

MrsSugar · 10/04/2022 22:12

This was me !

I had a small wedding and tbh it’s not that bad. It feels weird but ppl literally fall over themselves to do things for u when ur the bride. My main thought at all times wen I would stress about it all tho was that it’s about a marriage not a wedding so the attention n everything on the day doesn’t really matter overall !

RampantIvy · 10/04/2022 22:15

@Neverafrownwithgoldenbrown

That sounds like a lovely day! I dislike the thought of just having to be 'on' all day, a smile on my face all day (even though it'll be very happy )

Being watched during the 'first dance' (no thanks)

Having to sit and listen to speeches about me

Basically just being looked at lol

Just have the wedding you want. Just your parents and a pub meal. Job done.

Not wanting to be the centre of attention is a silly reason to not get married. A wedding doesn't have to be a big, flashy affair.

etulosba · 10/04/2022 22:21

This was me for my first wedding, so I can relate. As a result, the wedding was very low key… just us and two witnesses.

My second wedding was the complete opposite. I loved it.

Scianel · 10/04/2022 22:22

Me! Just did registry office (a very beautiful Victorian one) with DH parents as witnesses. And I was still so nervous DH said I went a bit cross-eyed.

We did have a big do for about 100 people in a nice pub type venue the next weekend but that was obviously totally informal, just people showing up and drinking and no specific moment where I had to be centre of attention.

Terfydactyl · 10/04/2022 22:35

If I were to remarry, it would have to be elope to gretna, ask two strangers to be witness and done. I cant think of more than 4 people I would tell either.
My original wedding was a register office with 4 people and a child and that was 4 people too many.
Online would be much better but I can see why it wont happen.

TheNoodlesIncident · 10/04/2022 22:40

I dislike the thought of just having to be 'on' all day, a smile on my face all day (even though it'll be very happy )

Being watched during the 'first dance' (no thanks)

Having to sit and listen to speeches about me

Basically just being looked at lol

You don't have to do those things though. There's only a very small number of things you do HAVE to do, like signing your name... like PPs, we got married abroad with only a few guests. No speeches, no first dances, no all day stuff. We were married at 6pm, then we all went back to Thira to a restaurant for dinner. Most of the guests went back to their hotel rooms afterwards, DH and I wandered around town for a while then we went back to our hotel. It was all very laid-back and lovely.

There are a number of ways you can do it, without the stress and palaver. Just arrange it how you want, you'll enjoy the process more.

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2022 22:44

I think you should absolutely do whatever you feel happy with.

FWIW, since you're asking about shy people and weddings, my view is that the wedding party makes a huge difference. The best weddings I've been to have been ones where there is a person/people in the wedding party who are taking charge of things so the bride and groom can relax. At one wedding, one of the wedding party quietly told all of us that that the brides were a bit shy about doing a full first dance, so could we all join in after the first verse of their first song - and we did, and the bridal couple didn't have to worry about it. At another, the matron of honour did this thing where she gave her speech, then stayed standing and chatted to the groom about how lovely his wife was, and that segued into the groom's speech - and that was what he needed to get the confidence to talk because he is very shy.

When I got married I was quite shy, and I thought I'd asked my family members to do quite normal things (eg., being ushers), and on the day they all just calmly didn't bother - it really floored me. I remember being outside the church with a photographer asking if we could take some pictures, and my brothers who'd agreed to show the guests to the reception venue (a few hundred yards away) simply grinned and shrugged and said they would rather I did that. I did step up, but my memory of my wedding day is me constantly nerving myself up to do things like calling to people to come to the reception venue, or clinking a glass to announce someone would speak, or whatever. It made me feel so much more on edge and nervous.

I would say that, if you have the sort of family/friends who can be relied upon, if you wanted to, you could have any sort of wedding so long as you prepared them to work around what you'd like most. And it might be lovely. If you are at all unsure about that, then I'd say have the most private wedding you can - and that will be absolutely lovely too!

slightlysnippy · 10/04/2022 23:08

Yep, sounded awful. We spent all the money on a amazing destination wedding + honeymoon it was fab.

Although would have been nice to have close friends and family around on the day, but don't regret my choice.

AnnaMagnani · 10/04/2022 23:13

A PP has reminded me - if you don't want to be the centre of attention make sure all your bridesmaids are aged 5 or under.

I swear no-one was interested in me on the day as they looked so cute, and my wedding photos are massively disappointing as I am being upstaged by them in every shot.

I honestly didn't mind not having adult bridesmaids as there wasn't any fussing. Did my own hair, my own make up, turned up to venue, got married. Photographer helped me into my dress and basically ran the whole event with the hotel manager.

EllaVaNight · 10/04/2022 23:26

On mumsnet unless you get married in a bin bag with 2 random strangers as witnesses it isn't a real marriage OP

I'm not the person to ask as I never want to get married but of course yanbu. Do what you like for your wedding. No one will care!

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 10/04/2022 23:27

I went abroad for my first wedding and we didn't invite anyone. I still got attention though which I hated as lots of people stared or took photos/filmed. A man asked to have his photo taken with me and I felt obliged - I reckon the photo is on his wall in Germany and he tells people I'm his dead wife.

I'm engaged currently and my DP also hates attention. We're struggling with what to do for our wedding as we have very few family and no friends. Absolutely do not want speeches, dancing etc.
We've considered getting married at home if the legislation comes in.

My brother got married recently and the bride was loving being centre of attention and was a bit of a bridezilla. It put me off weddings even more.

Weewillywinkle · 10/04/2022 23:32

I understand that feeling. We had a medium sized wedding and I felt nervous before walking down the aisle. I remember the day as being fun and genuinely happy to talk to people. We planned it to be relaxed.

Make sure the people there are people you love and care about and it will be a good day. Do what you want to do - you don't gave to follow tradition.

namechangetheworld · 11/04/2022 00:32

I'm shy and felt sick at the thought of being centre of attention at my wedding. We got talked into having a large-ish do by my parents and I regret it hugely. Walking down the aisle with everybody looking at me may have been the most mortifying experience of my life. I spent most of the reception hiding in the loos to avoid having to speak to people.

youdialwetile · 11/04/2022 04:03

I went through with it. I was the first of our bunch to get married so felt I had to go along with what people expected. Big do. Uncles and aunts I did not know well. Lots of parents friends (I do not have many friends).

Really did not enjoy it. Ended up have a spectacular throw up in the bathroom at the end of the night due to stress.

AProperStinging · 11/04/2022 04:07

@Neverafrownwithgoldenbrown

Or did you go through with it and it wasn't as bad as you thought? I'm a very shy person and I really don't like the thought of having all eyes on me all day, everyone commenting on my dress and how I look, having to talk to people all day long).

I'd love to get married but really don't like the thought of this, maybe I should just go to a registry office if my partner's happy with that?

Anyone else ?

Yes. Which is why I didn't do it. Just did the registry office thing with minimum witnesses etc

We've been married over 10 yrs, together for 16 yrs, and never regretted it.

It's not compulsory to go along with the Princess narrative.

Ivyonafence · 11/04/2022 04:11

I hate it as well. DH felt the same.

Our solution was to have our adorable and chaotic pre schooler relatives in the wedding party. We told their parents to let them rip, they didn't need to behave at all. Everyone was looking at the children the whole time. It was brilliant.

Flittingaboutagain · 11/04/2022 04:14

Yep we both felt that way. That's why we had a registry office ceremony with less than 6 people. It was perfect.

TulipsGarden · 11/04/2022 04:17

Yep, I would hate it beyond words. Even the thought of two witnesses makes me feel uncomfortable. I would happily just sign something at the solicitor's and be done with it. Online even better!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/04/2022 05:21

I have attended several weddings in people's livingrooms.

RampantIvy · 11/04/2022 07:14

@Forgottenmypasswordagain

I have attended several weddings in people's livingrooms.

In the UK?

Simonjt · 11/04/2022 07:32

Yep, we had a tiny wedding, my husband would have preferred bigger, but we had a covid limit at the time. We got married in the little bar where we met, no speeches, no first dance, no readings. When we’d got married we just ordered the food and drinks we wanted, stuffed our faces and we were home by about 7 (afternoon wedding).

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