Did I overreact

[amiabitch1]

Me and DP went on holiday yesterday. I’ve felt he’s been a little distant with me recently but he’s very reassuring that he feels the same and it’s just that the last few months have been a bit difficult (I’ve had bad mental health problems and he’s been frank about the impact it’s had on him. He’s been very very supportive). He told me he loves me very much.

On the plane journey we were sitting apart as we didn’t want to pay extra and was only a short flight, but the people next to me were discussing moving to an empty row so I texted and said to come over when the seatbelt sign goes off. Where I’m quite insecure, he didn’t come over and I worried that he’d rather not sit next to me or didn’t love me anymore. He promised me he’d come over.
He didn’t. I went over to his seat to give him some food a bit later and I asked why he didn’t come over, he said he didn’t see the people move but I said he could’ve come and checked, or seen if there were any other rows we could’ve sat on (there was) but he didn’t bother.

After the flight he said he was upset, that I humiliated him by having a go in front of people on the plane, and that it made him feel really small.

I’ve just been feeling very very insecure and I have anxious attachment, any form of distance or anything negative in my eyes means he doesn’t love me anymore lol. He keeps telling me he does and trying to be reassuring but things like this throw me. He also didn’t react to one of my social media stories (sounds pathetic but the point is he always has done). Am I being pathetic?

I think you’re going to push him away.

You definitely overreacted.

Needless drama here.

Kindly, yes you need to get a grip.

You need to get help and counselling urgently or your husband will just be driven away. Its the last thing you need, but you need to hear how difficult this must be for him. Humiliating someone needlessly is exactly what you have done, so please get help.

You've overreacted and whilst I'm empathetic to the toll MH issues and anxiety has on someone you are being incredibly self centred. It cannot be about him offsetting your anxiety (it really won't sustain you in the long term).

I think it can't be particularly nice for either of you to experience your anxious attachment. It must be horrible to feel like that for you, but equally it must be very wearing for your DP to have to deal with "don't you love me anymore" accusations for minor transgressions.

This level of insecurity really isn’t healthy. I honestly couldn’t be doing with a partner who constantly assumed I didn’t love them whenever I wasn’t all over them.

And to be honest, this is the kind of thing which would kill my love for them in the longer term.

So if you’re afraid of losing him, if you carry on like this you will.

You need to access some counselling OP, I understand you are struggling but your DP must be treading on eggshells all the time, worried that the slightest thing will upset you. That’s just not sustainable for either of you.

I think you have overreacted to question if he loves you just by not coming over to sit with you, but I find it a bit off that he didn't come over. Did he give you a reason at the time why he wanted to stay where he was?

In a word, yes
Complete over reaction and I’d be really pissed off if I was him tbh
I agree with others, you really need to try to seek help with your insecurity as it will push him away

Thanks all I think I needed the blunt truth! I have signed up for counselling already and will be starting very soon.
Any tips in the meantime on how I can be more present in the relationship and stop overthinking every detail?

Thank you all again

You can heal your attachment style, have a look at Somatic Experiencing, it is a form of trauma healing that is scientifically valid and quick and effective.
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Yes, you’re going to push him away. You need to work on yourself and stop relying on him to fill the anxious void within you. You need to do some self work and think about where these feelings are coming from and love yourself fully, and stop relying on him to calm you in this way. Telling him off in public on the plane was pretty out of order as well. I love sitting on my own and would never move to be beside DP even though I like him loads!

On the other hand, if you’re with someone with really mismatched levels of affection or love languages and you’re constantly feeling unloved, then it’s also okay to call it and find someone who makes you feel loved! As women we are often told to ignore our instincts and stay in unhappy relationships for too long.

So, my message is slightly mixed in that yes you did overreact in that situation, but in general if he’s unable to make you feel loved then maybe you’re better of spending some time single and getting to know and love yourself, before finding someone who is well matched for you in terms of levels of affection etc. I’ve been with some pretty stone cold men in my day and definitely could never have been happy with them, even if I was completely at peace within!

Only you know what applies to your situation.

Did the people move? If not, then it's jot surprising your DP didn't either. And honestly, both of your examples are so insignificant you will destroy your relationship of you continue you like this.

Yes, you did overreact. It's a plane journey of presumably just a few hours when you're going on holiday to spend all the time together. DH and I have often flown while seated separately. It wouldn't really occur to me to be popping over to see him or keeping an eye out to see if a seat beside him became empty - I'm perfectly capable of amusing myself for a few hours on the plane.

I sympathise about your mental health problems, but you're so worried about pushing him away that your actions will actually end up pushing him away.

@Cocycola he said he saw the couple next to me didn’t move so assumed there was nowhere to sit

You sound very hard work. Kindly, you need to seek some help or you’ll push him away.

to be fair i dont think anyone can tell you whether yabu because as a one off its nothing but if its coupled with lots of other things then id understand

Surely you shouldn’t have had your phone switched on and been texting each other during a flight??

misses the point entirely

Surely your phones were in airplane mode?

Call me crazy, but I didn’t know you could use phones on planes. I would have got up and fetched him rather than texting. I wouldn’t have looked at my phone on a flight.

Haha @ZaraSizeMedium I realised it sounded like that! It was before take off as we were delayed on the plane for a while!

What are you doing to tackle your MH issues.

Seriously. You can label and name things all you like but unless you are seeking an appropriate level of support, then I'd be telling your BF to run for the hills.

I’ve just been feeling very very insecure and I have anxious attachment, any form of distance or anything negative in my eyes means he doesn’t love me anymore lol

This isn't funny. It's controlling and manipulative and scary. I don't get the "lol"

A really great book to read that made me understand myself better is emotional intelligence by Daniel Goldman. He covers all the different attachment styles and how your childhood contributes to them. It made me realise I was an anxious avoidant and continuously dated avoidants. www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/0747528306/ref=asc_df_0747528306/?hvlocphy=9045888&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310831412334&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-491400381974&hvrand=1701289946012432506

*Daniel Goleman