Did I overreact

[amiabitch1]

Me and DP went on holiday yesterday. I’ve felt he’s been a little distant with me recently but he’s very reassuring that he feels the same and it’s just that the last few months have been a bit difficult (I’ve had bad mental health problems and he’s been frank about the impact it’s had on him. He’s been very very supportive). He told me he loves me very much.

On the plane journey we were sitting apart as we didn’t want to pay extra and was only a short flight, but the people next to me were discussing moving to an empty row so I texted and said to come over when the seatbelt sign goes off. Where I’m quite insecure, he didn’t come over and I worried that he’d rather not sit next to me or didn’t love me anymore. He promised me he’d come over.
He didn’t. I went over to his seat to give him some food a bit later and I asked why he didn’t come over, he said he didn’t see the people move but I said he could’ve come and checked, or seen if there were any other rows we could’ve sat on (there was) but he didn’t bother.

After the flight he said he was upset, that I humiliated him by having a go in front of people on the plane, and that it made him feel really small.

I’ve just been feeling very very insecure and I have anxious attachment, any form of distance or anything negative in my eyes means he doesn’t love me anymore lol. He keeps telling me he does and trying to be reassuring but things like this throw me. He also didn’t react to one of my social media stories (sounds pathetic but the point is he always has done). Am I being pathetic?

Yes, you massively overreacted.

Can I ask OP - has this always been the case for you? Or is it something about this particular relationship that has made you feel more insecure?

I recognise I have an anxious attachment style, but generally even if I have certain thoughts of "Does he still love/like me?" I can minimise them in my head and recognise that I am just experiencing an intrusive thought as I generally have anxiety linked to ADHD.

However - I had healthy, functional relationships in my 20's and didn't feel that anxiety about how my partners felt. It was only when I met my ex DP who talked the talk but didn't walk the walk (i.e.; actions didn't match the words) that I ended up becoming more anxious attachment wise.

I'm not in any way saying your DP is like this, as you've said he's expressive, communicative and no hint of intermittent reinforcement at play (like I experienced) but what I'm (badly) trying to say is sometimes our attachment styles and behaviours in relationships cause us to feel more or less safe with someone. How long have you been together? I could say that within about 2-3 months of being with my ex DP I recognised I didn't feel very safe emotionally with him (and should have left) which only got worse as time went on, and actually made my mental health worse as I never really knew where I stood with him due to changeable moods and general inconsistency.

Again, not saying your DP is like that - but it's worth considering if any of the above resonates and if it does, it won't get better - it'll just get worse.

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again

That’s exactly what you said

@Ricksteinsfishwife

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again

That’s exactly what you said

No, this isn't saying he 'shouldn't' do it again.

I was talking to OP anyway. You and I don't have to agree. I'm sure OP will find value in some of the posts on the thread and not others. Another thing I learned was to walk away from pointless arguments and people who nitpick.

You sound so needy

Yes, you overreacted.
Kinda feels like you've labelled/diagnosed yourself to downplay just how bad your behaviour is. Your DP must be a saint to put up with it but everyone has limits. I know I would have reached mine way before now.

What are you doing to help yourself OP? I do hope you are working on that so you can go forward in a healthy way.

OP your post makes me sad as this is the sort of behaviour I've had in the past and it is relationship destroying.

Do you feel like you can see where your behaviour is wrong if you step back and look at it in hindsight? But at the time the feelings are very intense and it's like you lose the ability to be logical and objective?

I always say I have an emotional vs logical battle going on in my brain and I have to reason with myself sometimes. It's really upsetting tbh as it makes me feel like I'm crazy.

I saw a dr in Jan 2020 and was put on anti-anxiety medication and directed to CBT both of which have helped massively, but it's the behavioural training which has made the long term difference.

@hattie43

You sound so needy

We all have needs. Who decides how many needs we should have, and to what degree we need them? Who decides how much need is ok, and how much is too much?

There is no right amount of need, so there can't be a wrong amount of need. There can't be a 'too much'. If you are too needy for your partner, you are not well matched. It's an incompatibility. But it doesn't mean that one person is wrong or that one person is 'too' anything.

I always say I have an emotional vs logical battle going on in my brain and I have to reason with myself sometimes. It's really upsetting tbh as it makes me feel like I'm crazy

This is nature (ie emotions) v conditioning (ie what we have been taught is right)

The thing to recognise is that you don't correct the emotions. They are always right. You only have to correct the behaviour, so that it displays the emotions accurately, calmly, and respectfully of others.

I dated a man in my 20s that behaved just as you describe - if I didn't text him several times a day telling him I loved him, he spiralled into a panic.

If I didn't touch / cuddle / hold him constantly whenever we were together he accused me of not loving him.

If I wanted to spend time with friends or family he'd subtly make me feel bad as he was 'miserable without me'.

If I didn't behave the way he thought I should he'd 'punish me' with long silences at home or loud public rows.

If I expressed an opinion that was different to his, he took it as a personal insult.

Eventually I realised I was minimising all my desires, needs, opinions and thoughts to accommodate his. It's not healthy for your partner and pps who ignore that probably haven't been on the receiving end of this sort of narcissistic, abusive behaviour.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea yes hit the nail on the head! When it’s not happening I feel awful about it, and recognise it’s destroying and can be seen as abusive. Just can’t control the worry in the moment then don’t want to bottle it up

I had quite a few relationships with episodes and feelings like yours. My counsellor told me 'There's nothing wrong with you except that you think there's something wrong with you.' As soon as you take that off the table, things start to look different. Your partner should care about how you feel, even if how you feel is... unexpected. You shouldn't have to change how you feel to suit what your partner would prefer; how would you? We can't choose how to feel.

It's all very well to say there's nothing wrong with the OP and she just needs a different partner, or for her current partner to change, but really that's no guarantee that she'll be happy. And we absolutely can learn to change our emotional states - what do you think anger management courses aim to do?

I think the OP needs to ask herself honestly if there is anything her partner could have done to make her feel happy and secure. If he had moved seats, would she have felt better? If so, how long for? Would she have felt genuinely loved and reassured or would she have moved on to the next intrusive thought along the lines of 'oh but if he really loved me he'd have moved without asking'.

Of course there are some people who make more suitable partners for us than others. But the problem is you can move into genuinely very unhealthy territory where no-one is going to make you feel happy and secure and that I think is what the OP needs to explore. Would she be happy with her current partner with some slight changes? Would she be happy with a different partner instead? Or, for her ever to be really happy with anyone, does she need to work on her insecurities herself?

When I start to feel insecure around my partner I take care to reframe things. Instead of looking for evidence that he doesn't care and fretting over that, I deliberately change my thought process to look for evidence that he does care, and there is plenty of that. Sure, look for a more suitable partner if it's your partner contributing to your insecurities but at some stage you may have to ask yourself if it really is you, not them.

@WisherWood

what do you think anger management courses aim to do

They aim to help us respond in a more healthy way to our anger. They're not 'anger removal courses'. We still feel anger after we've successfully completed them. But we recognise that our responses can be better managed, and that lashing out isn't the best way to deal with the emotion that essentially, we cannot stop ourselves from having.

I deliberately change my thought process

Exactly. It's not the feelings you change. It's the thoughts. The conditioning. You can't change the feelings.

I think the OP needs to ask herself honestly if there is anything her partner could have done to make her feel happy and secure

Yes, he could have. He could have done what he said he was going to do.

To be honest I think a lot of the problem is me too. Yeah he did promise he’d come over and didn’t, but as someone mentioned already, as embarrassing as this is, I do sometimes enter the territory of “you’re only doing it because I asked you to” if I do communicate what I want. And as mentioned I struggle as relationships do become comfortable as things aren’t necessarily being explicitly said anymore eg when I met my partner he spoke a lot about how baffled he was to find someone like me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted etc. Of course he doesn’t need to say all this now we are comfortable but that’s where I struggle.
Thank you all again for the input and I promise I’m taking it all in!

@Watchkeys

You are clearly at pains to make believe the ops behaviour is acceptable and that all that’s wrong is she doesn’t have a partner who can take it and she needs to find someone who can.

A behaviour, an amount of neediness is wrong or too much when it starts to negatively impact someone else, when a reasonable average person couldn’t deal with it.

I understand you’re saying find someone who has the same problems as you do, as this appears to be what you did, and you can behave like that together, anxiously attach to each other, and that may work, to some extent, but it’s far healthier to be able to learn to manage your emotions, and understand how your behaviour impacts someone else, to be in a healthy relationship, rather than simply go hunting for someone who has the same problem so you can be excessively anxious and needy together.

And I was diagnosed with OCD not long ago and I am soon to start exposure therapy, which I hope can help? Im unsure

Yes, he could have. He could have done what he said he was going to do.

But did he say he would? OP only says that she messaged asking him to, she didn't say if he responded either way. I read it that he didn't respond.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

As I said upthread, I'm not here to argue with you.

You are clearly at pains to make believe the ops behaviour is acceptable and that all that’s wrong is she doesn’t have a partner who can take it and she needs to find someone who can

You don't understand what I'm saying, and that's fine. Stop tagging me, and I'll stop tagging you, and we'll leave it there.

@Sexnotgender

I think you’re going to push him away.

You definitely overreacted.

This.

@Watchkeys I get the impression you're just going to keep revising your words and denying what you've said so this may be the last time I respond to you.

Exactly. It's not the feelings you change. It's the thoughts. The conditioning. You can't change the feelings.

Actually, you can. You start by tackling the thought processes. The underlying emotions then follow through. I can tackle depressive feelings by reframing the thoughts that lead to them.

I think the OP needs to ask herself honestly if there is anything her partner could have done to make her feel happy and secure

Yes, he could have. He could have done what he said he was going to do.

My point was that even this might not have been enough and the OP has subsequently confirmed this. It is the problem with feeling insecure - ultimately no amount of handholding may be enough to counteract it. You may think that if someone does something, it will fix the problem but this may not be the case. You may just raise the next hurdle for them.

What also concerns me is that the kind of reassurance the OP thinks she needs comes quite close to love bombing. If you always need reassurance, you're relying on the person giving that reassurance to be kind. Now, there are some kind people out there. Equally there are abusive people who will see that vulnerability and prey on it. So actually, by working on herself a little the OP may find she increases her chances of a healthy relationship. It's not about changing herself out of all recognition but about realising that her insecurities are more hers to solve than anyone else's.

@WisherWood

I get the impression you're just going to keep revising your words and denying what you've said so this may be the last time I respond to you

I stick to what I said in my first post, and have revised and denied nothing. Whether you agree with/understand my point is neither here nor there. I'm not here to have an extended debate and have made my point in a few different ways. Whether you respond to me or not makes no difference to anything. It's quite funny that you seem to think it does.

OP, I hope you've found something useful in the posts we've made.

@amiabitch1

And *@WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV* I grew up with parents who had and still have a very dysfunctional relationship

Ok op, that’s what I thought..you don’t want to be like your parents then.

Well, you’re doing very well to have acknowledged your parents dysfunctional relationship, your own insecurity in your own relationship and that you are taking steps to do something about it. Now enjoy your holiday!

Thank you both xx

Having a really nice holiday and DP has been so supportive, I’ve been trying really hard to communicate better and also see the positives and there are so many that I haven’t been letting myself notice. I just wish wish wish I could stop overanalysing every little thing.
We were at dinner and we weren’t saying much, I instantly panicked that we were bored of each other/didn’t have much to say, but I reframed it as it was nice to have someone who is comfortable with silence and I just enjoyed the moment and I felt better.
Thank you all again

@amiabitch1

Having a really nice holiday and DP has been so supportive, I’ve been trying really hard to communicate better and also see the positives and there are so many that I haven’t been letting myself notice. I just wish wish wish I could stop overanalysing every little thing. We were at dinner and we weren’t saying much, I instantly panicked that we were bored of each other/didn’t have much to say, but I reframed it as it was nice to have someone who is comfortable with silence and I just enjoyed the moment and I felt better. Thank you all again

See, he is with you because he wants to be with you..who knew. 🙃 Not overanalysing takes sooo much practise..but it will get better, especially now that you are aware of it!