Did I overreact

[amiabitch1]

Me and DP went on holiday yesterday. I’ve felt he’s been a little distant with me recently but he’s very reassuring that he feels the same and it’s just that the last few months have been a bit difficult (I’ve had bad mental health problems and he’s been frank about the impact it’s had on him. He’s been very very supportive). He told me he loves me very much.

On the plane journey we were sitting apart as we didn’t want to pay extra and was only a short flight, but the people next to me were discussing moving to an empty row so I texted and said to come over when the seatbelt sign goes off. Where I’m quite insecure, he didn’t come over and I worried that he’d rather not sit next to me or didn’t love me anymore. He promised me he’d come over.
He didn’t. I went over to his seat to give him some food a bit later and I asked why he didn’t come over, he said he didn’t see the people move but I said he could’ve come and checked, or seen if there were any other rows we could’ve sat on (there was) but he didn’t bother.

After the flight he said he was upset, that I humiliated him by having a go in front of people on the plane, and that it made him feel really small.

I’ve just been feeling very very insecure and I have anxious attachment, any form of distance or anything negative in my eyes means he doesn’t love me anymore lol. He keeps telling me he does and trying to be reassuring but things like this throw me. He also didn’t react to one of my social media stories (sounds pathetic but the point is he always has done). Am I being pathetic?

Op its not that it's could be seen to be abusive. It actually is.

He felt humiliated on the flight. You gave him a list of what he should have done to manage your anxiety. If sitting together is so important to you, pay for it.

You are forcing him into a position where he constantly has to be watching and trying to do exactly what you need, to prevent you getting upset or talking to him poorly in public.

Its already crossed that line.

@angrygoat2 thank you so much. How did you manage to get better? Xx

I agree with others who say this has already turned abusive. You will need a long time to work through your issues, maybe years. During that time I don’t think you should be in any sort of relationship. It is not healthy for either of you, but particularly your partner. This relationship is harming him. If you truly care for his feelings you need to end this relationship now, before you potentially damage his self esteem beyond repair.

OP, I wonder whether thinking about improving your communication could help?
E.g. instead of "Why haven't you moved?", try "There's space for you now - I'd love you to move next to me."
Or, instead of worrying that he isn't hugging you, initiate it yourself / just say "Can I have a hug?"
So often we (I!!) assume our partners are mind readers. If you declare what you want before there's room for the anxiety / resentment, you might find that things run more smoothly.
Of course, you'll have to come to terms with the fact that he has agency of his own. If he replies "I'd rather sit here - I like the window view and I'll probably sleep anyway", it does NOT mean he doesn't love you. But at least both of you know exactly what the other is thinking.
Hope things start to get easier for you soon

OP I get quite anxious around my DP, although not to the extent that you do. A few things I've found have helped - first is to realise that often whatever is going on isn't about me. He may not be in the mood to have a cuddle on the sofa because he's stressed and anxious about work, or whatever, and it's nothing to do with anything I've done.

Second, I remind myself, repeatedly, that he is with me of his own volition. He knows what I'm like and he's still there, so when I wobble I just say that. He's still there. I combine this with reminding myself that it is exhausting dealing with anxiety and whilst he is still there, me being insecure might push him away.

Third, and be careful with this one, sometimes I just stare down the barrel of the gun. What if he doesn't love me and he leaves me? Well, I'd be upset. I'd be hurt. And then I'd carry on with life. I'd miss him, but ultimately I'd be okay. This might not work for you at all but it helped me because I realised that the thing I was really fearful of, whilst it was bad, wasn't the end of the world. I've had bad things happen in my life and I've got through them. It also made me realise that in fearing the worst, I wasn't enjoying the actual relationship. Staying in the moment and enjoying what was actually happening, instead of worrying about what might happen, really helped. But for me I first needed to realise that even if the worst did happen I'd still be okay.

Of course none of this is a substitute for counselling, but it might be of use in the meantime.

Sometimes I get niggling thoughts or worries (not about what he’s up to or where he is, I trust him fully - just if he realises he’s happier or more relaxed without me

I think this indicates you know what your behaviour is doing to him and the relationship. As you are right, he will be more relaxed or happier when you’re not there, thay doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you, but ultimately yes that’s where it will go, if this continues.

I do find it curious on these threads when someone is behaving badly to their partner, they are seldom getting help it’s “I will” or “ I’ve signed up” but nothings been actually done. They keep it going till they sense it’s game over for their partner.

I suspect what’s happening here is he is pulling away because he is being suffocated and is unhappy with this level of neediness and control, and you sense that, so are ramping up that neediness and those demands, to try to pull him closer and get reassurance, which in turn makes him feel even unhappier and pull away further, it’s a vicious circle and a cycle you need to break.

You need to understand he is a person, with his own rights and needs. And as his partner it’s on you to try to understand those and meet them, it isn’t just about him meeting your needs.

Thank you all for your blunt words that I really needed x

And @WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV I grew up with parents who had and still have a very dysfunctional relationship

I think that if you want a relationship, you need to be with someone who matches your attachment style. If you keep getting triggered by little things, you need someone who does the little things in the way you like.

The main step to get from an anxious style to a secure style is to recognise that your feelings are valid, allowed, and need to be respected, by you, first and foremost. Then you can choose a partner who also respects them.

An anxious attachment style isn't a fault; it's an indication of what sort of partner you do best with.

The concept of 'over reacting' suggests that there is a correct level to react, but if that's the case, who sets the rules about what's ok and what's too much? There are no rules. The only rule of thumb is whether you think you over reacted.

Do you?

@Watchkeys that’s really helpful thank you. I think I do know I overreacted and I say things like “lol” not because I think it’s funny but I think I’m just embarrassed.
DP is a very expressive person and I think when we first got together he was very clear about how he felt, and always told me, obviously a relationship becomes more comfortable over time and things don’t always need to be explicitly said but it makes me worry when these things aren’t always said in the same frequency!

Easy fix, next time pay the extra to sit together.

Everyone secretly wants to sit by themselves on a plane.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Why didn't you go and find him once the couple next to you had moved?

I don't think they moved.

@ThirdElephant

Remember that he is not responsible for your mental health- it's up to you to check your unreasonable expectations, it's not up to him to abide by them.

This.

He's not a trained therapist, counselor or psychiatrist. Expecting him to assuage your insecurities and other issues is incredibly unfair.

Our partners are our companions in life, not our props. Manage your expectations before he justifiably bails.

I think you 'lol' because you're trying to minimise your feelings and your response. That's what people with an anxious attachment style do. They don't listen to how they feel. They don't take it on board as a valid viewpoint.

Since I had counselling, I've realised that this was why I would have big responses to small seeming-rejections. Our emotions are like toddlers. If we don't listen to them, they have a tantrum. People raised with a secure attachment style have the understanding that if you feel something, you have to listen to it and respond to it appropriately. Like you would with a toddler. But if you tell a toddler not to be so silly, when they express emotion, or tell them to be quiet, or 'lol' at them in some form or other... boom. This is probably what happened to you as a kid, and it's where you learned this behaviour. My parents were so busy with their dysfunctional relationship that they often pushed my feelings aside. Same for you? Or similar?

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again.' Then you would have felt better, because he would have heard and respected your feelings. An anxious attachment style isn't dramatic when your feelings are rejected.

I had quite a few relationships with episodes and feelings like yours. My counsellor told me 'There's nothing wrong with you except that you think there's something wrong with you.' As soon as you take that off the table, things start to look different. Your partner should care about how you feel, even if how you feel is... unexpected. You shouldn't have to change how you feel to suit what your partner would prefer; how would you? We can't choose how to feel.

Once you get this stuff into your understanding, things change. I met a new partner who also has an anxious attachment style. If something gets triggered, we soothe each other. If your bloke's soothing style isn't working for you, think about what would, and tell him. If he loves you, he'll do what he can to take care of your feelings, as you would for him.

He's not a trained therapist, counselor or psychiatrist. Expecting him to assuage your insecurities and other issues is incredibly unfair

No, it isn't. Being a supportive, reassuring partner who is responsive to your partner's needs can't be conflated with having to be a trained mental health professional. Partners are supposed to support us in our insecurities. It's not a big ask. We all have them.

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again.' Then you would have felt better, because he would have heard and respected your feelings.

The problem here is that this isn't what happened. The people didn't move so he couldn't move to sit next to her. Yet she still challenged him on this and left him feeling humiliated.

What did she do when he said he felt humiliated? Did she say 'I'm sorry darling, I didn't realise my behaviour was humiliating for you. I won't do that again?

Because I'm guessing she didn't, even though that would have been hearing and respecting his feelings.

I do agree with you that OP would be better off with someone who either has the same needs as her in a relationship or none of their own. They both have needs here but it sounds like neither are having those met.

Adults aren't toddlers. Managing one's own emotional issues without burdening others to always soothe and pacify is part of adulthood.

@Watchkeys

I think you 'lol' because you're trying to minimise your feelings and your response. That's what people with an anxious attachment style do. They don't listen to how they feel. They don't take it on board as a valid viewpoint.

Since I had counselling, I've realised that this was why I would have big responses to small seeming-rejections. Our emotions are like toddlers. If we don't listen to them, they have a tantrum. People raised with a secure attachment style have the understanding that if you feel something, you have to listen to it and respond to it appropriately. Like you would with a toddler. But if you tell a toddler not to be so silly, when they express emotion, or tell them to be quiet, or 'lol' at them in some form or other... boom. This is probably what happened to you as a kid, and it's where you learned this behaviour. My parents were so busy with their dysfunctional relationship that they often pushed my feelings aside. Same for you? Or similar?

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again.' Then you would have felt better, because he would have heard and respected your feelings. An anxious attachment style isn't dramatic when your feelings are rejected.

I had quite a few relationships with episodes and feelings like yours. My counsellor told me 'There's nothing wrong with you except that you think there's something wrong with you.' As soon as you take that off the table, things start to look different. Your partner should care about how you feel, even if how you feel is... unexpected. You shouldn't have to change how you feel to suit what your partner would prefer; how would you? We can't choose how to feel.

Once you get this stuff into your understanding, things change. I met a new partner who also has an anxious attachment style. If something gets triggered, we soothe each other. If your bloke's soothing style isn't working for you, think about what would, and tell him. If he loves you, he'll do what he can to take care of your feelings, as you would for him.

This is so bad, it really feeds the narrative that it’s his job to manage your insecurities, to always be in the wrong, to apologise for not doing whatever she needs, it’s not. That’s not how a healthy relationship works. And using rhe emotive “if he loves you he would apologise and promise never to do it again” is so damaging and unhealthy.

Our emotions are not like tantruming toddlers. If we are not in control of ourselves it’s not our partners job to prop us up and cow tow and pander to us in this way. It’s on us not to put them through this. And to seek help to recover.

@KosherDill

Nobody said that adults were toddlers. Managing one's own emotions is a case of recognising that we can all be triggered into toddler-like feelings sometimes, and accepting and managing that. Emotions aren't sensible, and they can't be trained or silenced. They are the part of us that is nature. You can manage them like you manage the weather: trying to control them is a futile endeavour, but avoiding situations where they bother you, and accepting distress when upset by them is far healthier than trying to pretend they don't exist or bother you.

The way to deal with it is to find a partner who can handle it when you calmly say 'When you said you'd come to sit by me, and then chose not to, I felt rejected.' All you would have needed would have been 'I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realise it would bother you so much. I won't do that again.

He should not be apologising and promising not to do it again. He did nothing wrong. And we can manage our emotions.

Telling rhe op that however she feels he is responsible to apologise and promise to behave in ways the she demands is unacceptable. He is a person, he is not there jist as a prop for the op.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

it really feeds the narrative that it’s his job to manage your insecurities, to always be in the wrong, to apologise for not doing whatever she needs

No, it doesn't. OP needs to recognise that her emotions are tantrumming. The advice isn't to have tantrums. The advice is for OP to manage the tantrumming toddler within, and soothe her herself by listening to what she has to say. Once the tantrum is calm, it's easier to respond to the feelings in a more adult way. He shouldn't be managing her insecurities, feeling in the wrong, or apologising for his behaviour. 'I'm sorry I've accidentally hurt your feelings' isn't an admission of guilt, it's an admission of a misunderstanding, and a willingness to compromise.

You've conflated a bunch of stuff that doesn't conflate. You're right, it's on OP to sort this out. It might be by soothing herself better, it might be by finding a different partner. But first, she needs to listen to what her feelings are telling her once they stop stamping their feet. Their message will be able to be boiled down to one line (for me it was 'You're not listening to me'), and once she's worked it out, she'll find it easier to manage the situations where she currently feels rejected.

Hi op,yes ywbu but you've acknowledged that so onwards and upwards.
But yourself some rose quartz,cleanse it,charge it in sunlight or moonlight then keep it with you.it is the crystal of love unconditional love,self love.you should work on that.
Also try bergamot oil on your wrist it is great for confidence..
Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
Say in the mirror every day this mantra " i am enough I am beautiful I deserve all the good things that come to me".And believe it.you can start today.
Enjoy your holiday.🌈

I'm sorry I've accidentally hurt your feelings' isn't an admission of guilt, it's an admission of a misunderstanding, and a willingness to compromise

Sure, but you have changed the Nuance, you said he should apologise and say he shouldn’t do it again. And no he shouldn’t aPologise, he has done nothing wrong, but yes HER emotions are tantruming, that doesn’t mean it’s normal, healthy or acceptable behaviour he should be apologising for.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

I'm sorry I've accidentally hurt your feelings' isn't an admission of guilt, it's an admission of a misunderstanding, and a willingness to compromise

Sure, but you have changed the Nuance, you said he should apologise and say he shouldn’t do it again. And no he shouldn’t aPologise, he has done nothing wrong, but yes HER emotions are tantruming, that doesn’t mean it’s normal, healthy or acceptable behaviour he should be apologising for.

A healthy relationship isn't about spotting who is being normal and who isn't. We all have different levels of what's acceptable.

I didn't change any nuance. I didn't say he shouldn't do it again.

Stop putting words into my mouth.

A healthy relationship is about understanding, or being willing to understand, where the other person is coming from, and what they're feeling. A healthy approach to relationships is to understand that we can't control our emotions, but we can control how we react/respond to them.