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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I overreact

99 replies

amiabitch1 · 10/04/2022 19:32

Me and DP went on holiday yesterday. I’ve felt he’s been a little distant with me recently but he’s very reassuring that he feels the same and it’s just that the last few months have been a bit difficult (I’ve had bad mental health problems and he’s been frank about the impact it’s had on him. He’s been very very supportive). He told me he loves me very much.

On the plane journey we were sitting apart as we didn’t want to pay extra and was only a short flight, but the people next to me were discussing moving to an empty row so I texted and said to come over when the seatbelt sign goes off. Where I’m quite insecure, he didn’t come over and I worried that he’d rather not sit next to me or didn’t love me anymore. He promised me he’d come over.
He didn’t. I went over to his seat to give him some food a bit later and I asked why he didn’t come over, he said he didn’t see the people move but I said he could’ve come and checked, or seen if there were any other rows we could’ve sat on (there was) but he didn’t bother.

After the flight he said he was upset, that I humiliated him by having a go in front of people on the plane, and that it made him feel really small.

I’ve just been feeling very very insecure and I have anxious attachment, any form of distance or anything negative in my eyes means he doesn’t love me anymore lol. He keeps telling me he does and trying to be reassuring but things like this throw me. He also didn’t react to one of my social media stories (sounds pathetic but the point is he always has done). Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:

PrivateHall · 10/04/2022 19:47

I didn't think you were meant to just sit wherever you fancy on a plane? I wouldn't move seats, so I don't know why you are being so weird with DH. You say it was a short flight, yet you brought him food and told him off for not moving?

Your poor DH. You definitely are pushing him away. I know you are unwell but you need to address it urgently as this must be exhausting for your DH.

ThirdElephant · 10/04/2022 19:49

Remember that he is not responsible for your mental health- it's up to you to check your unreasonable expectations, it's not up to him to abide by them.

MiddleParking · 10/04/2022 19:53

You should be working this stuff out before you get into a relationship. It’s not on to behave like this to other people.

AlternativePerspective · 10/04/2022 19:57

Planes have wifi these days…

luxxlisbon · 10/04/2022 20:00

Where I’m quite insecure, he didn’t come over and I worried that he’d rather not sit next to me or didn’t love me anymore.

Sounds suffocating for him to be honest.

This is something you really need to work on and you shouldn’t be expecting your partner to change their behaviour to this degree.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2022 20:04

Why didn't you go and find him once the couple next to you had moved?

mycatisannoying · 10/04/2022 20:04

I'm really sorry, but you do sound like hard work.

ExMachinaDeus · 10/04/2022 20:16

You totally overreacted. Totally.

Original poster

amiabitch1 · 10/04/2022 20:31

Thank you all, time do some work I think

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 10/04/2022 20:40

OP, it sounds like you've taken the feedback on board but can I just say that you really need to address this because this level of insecurity can very easily turn into you being controlling, manipulative and, potentially, abusive - eg if he goes out for the evening does that upset you? Are you bombarding him with text messages? Do you need him to constantly "prove" that he loves you etc?

It may come from insecurity, but extreme insecurity and anxiety, even if i tis a genuine mental health issue, isn't an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Katya213 · 10/04/2022 20:54

Poor guy but I feel for you too and glad you’re getting help.

Original poster

amiabitch1 · 11/04/2022 16:00

Thanks all. When he goes out with his friends I don’t bombard him with texts and I want him to have fun and enjoy himself! Sometimes I get niggling thoughts or worries (not about what he’s up to or where he is, I trust him fully - just if he realises he’s happier or more relaxed without me)

OP posts:

incognitoforthisone · 11/04/2022 16:57

I think by posting this thread, what you're probably doing is just hoping to get justification for your behaviour, so if someone says, 'Aw, no, of course you didn't overreact!', you'll use to that convince yourself you don't have a problem. See also the fact that you added 'lol' when you explained about your anxiety issues - you're presenting this as a little quirk, when in fact it is a serious mental health issue that is making both you and your DP unhappy and stressed.

Of course you overreacted, massively - and I think you actually know that. Your behaviour is absolutely not OK, and yes, it must be having a huge impact on your DP - it's getting very close to being abusive, in my opinion, even though you obviously don't mean it that way. You had a go at him, in front of other people, because of your own insecurities. I would have been really embarrassed and hurt by that if I'd been in his position.

You're clearly struggling a lot with your anxiety and I sympathise, because being so anxious/paranoid/insecure is a horrible thing for you to be going through - it's just so debilitating feeling like that all the time, isn't it? You must honestly be exhausted. I used to have a terrible anxiety issue relating to my DP (different from yours - rather than thinking he didn't love me, I used to think something awful would happen to him every time he went out) and it's really distressing.

But you really cannot use your attachment anxiety to justify be controlling and obsessive towards your DP. It's not fair on him - and it's not helping you, either; it's probably you feel worse in the long run.

It seems like you're seeking help, which is a great step - I hope you make good progress and that you (and your DP!) will be feeling a lot happier soon. You can do this :)

Original poster

amiabitch1 · 11/04/2022 18:00

You’re right @incognitoforthisone it is absolutely exhausting for myself and DP and it’s so hard because it’s so unfair on him and I’ve recognised the problem but it’s not just a quick fix. It’s like I know what’s wrong but I can’t turn the worry off. I worried earlier because we had a nap and he wasn’t cuddling me and then he got straight up and left the room after to get a drink! I didn’t say anything but It’s awful and I know it can be seen as abusive I never want that for him.
Thank you for your encouraging words though I appreciate it

OP posts:

Lifeistooshorttocleanfloors · 11/04/2022 18:04

As everyone else has said, OP (and I'm sorry you've been struggling).

It's also quite well known that social media is very bad for MH anyway. Might it be an idea to give it a break?

Oneearringlost · 11/04/2022 18:21

Oh dear. I think you may find some counselling helpful. I'm sorry you feel so wretched.

Livebythecoast · 11/04/2022 18:35

It's great that you recognise that your behaviour isn't healthy but it's what you do about it that is important and getting counselling to address these issues is a good first step.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was initially lovely but gradually his insecurities started showing (not justified on my part). My attraction and 'love' for him just died bit by bit with him constantly needing reassurance and it was exhausting. No matter what I said or did, it just wasn't enough and I had to end it for my own mental health.
If you love him, which I'm sure you do, you need to get some help or you will push him away as everyone else has said.
Wishing you the very best.

AffIt · 11/04/2022 18:42

@amiabitch1

I worried earlier because we had a nap and he wasn’t cuddling me and then he got straight up and left the room after to get a drink!

Your behaviour / thought pattern is verging on the abusive and you need to get help urgently - not just 'time to do some work lol' - if you wish to continue in a relationship.

It is not your partner's responsibility to fix your past issues or mental health.

LizzoBennett · 11/04/2022 18:46

My god. I feel smothered just reading the OP.

user1471517900 · 11/04/2022 18:56

So the couple didn't actually move? So he couldn't come and sit next to you?

MermaidEyes · 11/04/2022 19:12

Am I the only one confused by paying extra to sit together? If there were whole empty rows why weren't you just seated together in one of them?

Autumndays123 · 11/04/2022 19:21

OP, you sound incredibly toxic, controlling and abusive, to the point where in my opinion it's not enough to be seeking some counselling. 'Healing' could take years and your DP deserves better than to put up with your behaviour in the meantime. You clearly aren't ready for a relationship and will be impacting your DP with your behaviour. I would suggest being single whilst you receive your therapy and look at dating again in the future when you've overcome some of your issues.

Ahbisto · 11/04/2022 19:25

This is very hard, but you need to accept you’re unwell and not make this his problem, you are suffocating him and few people could cope with this level of extreme neediness in a relationship. I’m not sure what to advise though, I don’t think a gp can help, but I don’t think the relationship can survive this, I don’t think any relationship could. You have a total and utter disregard for his needs, it’s simply about you.

WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 11/04/2022 19:32

Out of curiousity op, did you grow up with your mother being very dependant on your father?

angrygoat2 · 11/04/2022 19:35

OP this sounds exactly like something I would've done when I was going through a rough patch with my mental health. Really bad separation anxiety, getting upset over things that seem relatively minor to others but like the end of the world to me, picking fights with DP in public when things didn't go 100% my way... not to humiliate him, just because I couldn't help myself. It was a horrible period but I can promise that it's not forever. I got much better and so will you. It's impossible to understand until you've been through it yourself, so please don't listen to anyone telling you to "get a grip", this is such an outdated and unhelpful phrase that belongs in the previous century.

If your DP is anything like mine, he's probably not happy about it right now, but ultimately knows you are going through a hard time and aren't doing it out of malice. Hopefully you can use your holiday to reconnect as partners and have some much-needed escapism. Xx

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