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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To split up with DH because of the children

152 replies

CompletelyNewAgain · 10/04/2022 17:17

Both DC severely autistic and other disabilities. They scream and attack us all the time they are awake and between them that is around 20 hours a day.

We do get some short breaks and asked for social care respite last year. The respite worked for a bit but literally in the end it was more stress than it was worth and we asked for it to stop. Family are unable to help us anymore due to the extreme nature of their needs.

I just keep fantasising about splitting with my DH (who I love dearly and does childcare 50:50) so that we can have separate houses, share custody and complete breaks from the DC. I actually couldn't cope anymore so went upstairs and abandoned DH but the screaming is just continuing and it's raising my heart rate. I am in fight or flight mode constantly. I feel such a failure and deeply regret having children.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 10/04/2022 17:20

Oh...I have nothing to add except my sympathy. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

JustWonderingIfYou · 10/04/2022 17:22

Could you actually afford 2 houses between you? Could you not spend the money on a monthly night away each at a holiday Inn or similar? Or on professional help there must be specialist childcare who come to you?

If you had 50/50 would you actually be ok on your own for a week straight?

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 17:22

I’m so sorry op, that sounds hard. How old are the children? I’m not even sure how to ask this, but would residential care be something to consider? Even if just for respite? Is it even available? I am not sure splitting up is the answer, as coping alone maybe too hard?

Brenna24 · 10/04/2022 17:23

I am sorry that sounds horrendous. What about having a small flat or caravan somewhere so that you can take turns to have a weekend off while the other holds the fort? Or even just turns to go away to a hotel once a month or so? Cheaper than running two households and less drastic than splitting up.

PragmaticWench · 10/04/2022 17:24

Do you have any form of counselling for just you OP? It sounds as though you're developing PTSD from the screaming.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2022 17:25

Oh OP - this must be so hard.

How old are they? Is there any chance things could improve at all in the future?

Both of my boys are autistic and it’s hard enough without the challenges you describe.

Allelbowsandtoes · 10/04/2022 17:25

This sounds so hard, OP, I'm sorry. I'm glad that your husband sounds supportive, though. Why did you ask for the respite care to stop- why was it more stress?
for you

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 17:25

That sounds absolutely horrendous for everyone. Would you consider residential care if it was available?

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 17:26

I am suggesting that simply because there would be teams of people who work for eight hours a day and got to go home and relax afterwards. You are having to cope with something that's absolutely impossible means that you don't have a life at all.

Ilikewinter · 10/04/2022 17:26

I was also thinking about residential care, is that something to think about maybe OP? 💐

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/04/2022 17:27

How old are the children? If 10plus, could you look into residential care?

RoyKentsChestHair · 10/04/2022 17:28

I’m so sorry that you feel this is your only option - it must be so hard for you both.

A few years ago I may have agreed with your conclusion. However, with the rising cost of living, being two lone parents could end up costing you significantly more than being married.

TBH as he’s a good dad and husband I’d be looking at ways to get a proper break from it all. Instead of needing 2 full homes capable of housing you and your DCs could you look at buying a flat or somewhere small, so that you can each take a night or two out per week to decompress. That way your DCs don’t have the disruption of moving between homes, and you could look into Air BNB for the place when you’re not using it, so that it pays for itself. You and DH could use it for a couple of nights each in the week, then spend weekends together while renting out the other place. Got to be better financially than splitting up.

gamerchick · 10/04/2022 17:30

I rarely suggest residential care but this is unsustainable. What are they like when seperated and on their own with you?

Gowithme · 10/04/2022 17:30

Is residential schooling a possibility? It's sounds incredibly hard, I can't even imagine.

65honeybee · 10/04/2022 17:31

Oh that sounds so tough for all of you. But surely a few nights a month away, I mean properly away, in an air bnb or premier inn, alternating between you, would be more affordable than two separate houses? And I imagine easier for the children to cope with as it wouldn't mean them going between two different homes/ routines?

Heyisforhorses · 10/04/2022 17:34

I'm so sorry to read your post, it's so heart breaking. I've nothing but hugs for you as I have no experience but couldn't read and leave 💐

tempester28 · 10/04/2022 17:36

If you had said that DH doesn't help at all I would have said it was a good idea but if he already does 50/50 and your relationship is otherwise good, then it would seem to be a bad idea.

As others have said, maybe some residential help with the children is the way forward - if that is possible?

StopStartStop · 10/04/2022 17:40

What does your DH think? He might be longing for the same thing. Just because it isn't how other people live doesn't mean it can't be right for you. Imagine, three days each and one respite, if you could work it. Wouldn't the children respond badly to disruption, though?

Original poster

CompletelyNewAgain · 10/04/2022 17:40

Thank you all for the posts.

They are KS1 age. I would never have thought we would look into residential schooling but I honestly think it might be in the future.

No, we couldn't afford to run two houses, I just can't think straight.

About the social care, part of it was in our house which was fine until the screaming resumed again and we were asked to help the professionals because of the level of behaviour, or we would try to go out but then it felt weird being excluded from our own home. The hours offered were dropped drastically and randomly. We had to attend a number of 'child in need meetings' and regular lengthy sw visits despite them assuring us there were no safeguarding risks. It was humiliating the sw insisting that they checked every child's bedrooms repeatedly (even though it was always fine) and constantly having to 'safety score' ourselves as parents. There was a lot of paperwork. There was always a risk they would take the provision away or if we said we weren't coping enough then they would say there was a safeguarding risk. In short it was stressful and humiliating. At least the screaming and attacks are just stressful.

Sorry, I sound like Eeyore but I am very down about it. I love the DC so, so much but I can't say that if I had a time machine I would choose the same fate again.

OP posts:

Ohquietone · 10/04/2022 17:41

Big hugs OP. I have two severely autistic children and it’s very very hard. We don’t use respite care but I would really consider it and maybe look at a residential school. It’s very difficult to sustain a marriage with children with Sen. It’s exhausting. But if your DH is a good husband, I would look into respite care or a residential school.

Sockwomble · 10/04/2022 17:41

I have a severely autistic teenager. The only respite we have is overnight short breaks because his needs are too complex for direct payment workers.
What respite was provided and why didn't it work?

oliviastwisted · 10/04/2022 17:41

That is so hard. There was a similar thread a while back from a mother who was highly recommended to consider looking into residential care in similar circumstances. Parents with similar backgrounds who had gotten to a similar breaking point were extremely positive about this too on that thread. It won’t be an immediate solution but it probably is necessary if you think you can do it.

I have ND kids but nowhere near this level of need .

WouldBeGood · 10/04/2022 17:44

Oh @CompletelyNewAgain, no words of wisdom but 💐.

safetyfreak · 10/04/2022 17:48

I have to agree that looking into residential care with social services may be the best option. Some children do thrive in this environment as there is daily structure, which is more difficult to come by in a home environment.

makinganavalon · 10/04/2022 17:48

Im not sure how this all works but is it possible to get money from government source and be able to choose your own carer and pay them? For example- I knew a family who had a child who needed a huge amount of care- they received funding and they chose the carer and paid them. They were really happy with the two carers they chose and they got to decide hours, activities etc and it wasn't different carers all the time.
Does anyone know if this could be an option for you OP?

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