To split up with DH because of the children

[CompletelyNewAgain]

Both DC severely autistic and other disabilities. They scream and attack us all the time they are awake and between them that is around 20 hours a day.

We do get some short breaks and asked for social care respite last year. The respite worked for a bit but literally in the end it was more stress than it was worth and we asked for it to stop. Family are unable to help us anymore due to the extreme nature of their needs.

I just keep fantasising about splitting with my DH (who I love dearly and does childcare 50:50) so that we can have separate houses, share custody and complete breaks from the DC. I actually couldn't cope anymore so went upstairs and abandoned DH but the screaming is just continuing and it's raising my heart rate. I am in fight or flight mode constantly. I feel such a failure and deeply regret having children.

That was an upsetting read.
I can't offer advice but hope a solution is found. At least you can and must vent on here. I don't know how you cope.
Take care and stay strong. 😟💐

@TigerMum8

Oakleaffy makes a great point. Your kids should qualify for a local authority grant to enable them to attend a specialist school, possibly boarding. Perhaps a flexible boarding arrangement could work which would give them the focussed help they need and give you both a break?

This...

Kids can and do get funding for specialist boarding school.

You're still their parents!! Your time with them would hopefully be easier to manage!

Rather than running two homes could you pay for respite care one weekend per month so you and your husband can get a break? Have you got a cleaner? I’m just thinking get as much paid help as you can to take the load off. Really feel for you

Although an incredibly hard choice, residential school seems necessary for your family. It may be that the specialist support given will improve the behaviour and when you have weekend's together you can cope.

@PRosie if you want to pm the op all you need to do is click on the three dots at the bottom right of one of her posts which will give you the option to send her a private message.

@PRosie just click the little envelope icon that says “pm”

There is a lot of misinformation on this thread. OP you need to talk to social services. It is highly unlikely they will look at residential care for children as young as yours because it is rarely the best place for children this young. There is a lot of other support that can be given and you appear to be having none at the moment.

Thank you all. I am taking it all in. They actually had an OK night but woke at 5am, guess what, screaming (and throwing things).

I am taking them to a friend's today, she is in a very similar (if maybe a little less extreme) situation. Her house will be safe. I think I'll probably end up crying at her.

When they finally go back to school, DH and I will sit down and reassess the situation. I can't see the wood for the trees at weekends or school holidays

Have a look at Yvonne Newbolds facebook page. It is for parents of children with challenging behaviour due to disability. There is lots of advice on there in the form of webinars and also from other parents in similar situations and may also help you feel not so alone.

There's middle ground between residential at KS1 and still caring for them at home at 70.

I would hunt down services aimed at Severe Learning Disabilities, don't be afraid to contact your local councillor and MP.

Have you investigated whether there are holiday schemes for disabled children in your area?

We now send our DS to a mainstream holiday camp over the school holidays, unless we are away with him ourselves. They have extra provision in place to accommodate him. Another friend whose children are a lot more like yours also found something similar but specifically for disabled kids after the school holidays completely broke her. Please look into it whenever you are feeling stronger, as I’m sure something will be available to bridge the gap.

Keep reaching for support and acknowledge that you have shown remarkable resilience coping with all of this to this point. You will get beyond this challenging time and find resolution.

I agree with posters saying you really need to push social services into doing their job. If you don't draw your children to their attention they will be delighted to leave you to cope because it saves them money.

Write to them saying you are asking for an assessment, including a carer's assessment, under section 17 of the Children Act 1989. Don't hold back when explaining what your life is like, make it clear that if they don't put in adequate support now the family will break up and they will potentially be left with having to find full time residential care. Respite care for at least a couple of nights a week is the least you should be asking for.

If they don't respond, go up the ladder to the head of social services, involve your local councillors and MP, and use the complaint system. Make it clear that you are not going away.

We do get some short breaks and asked for social care respite last year. The respite worked for a bit but literally in the end it was more stress than it was worth and we asked for it to stop

Think what would work and how

Shared care Foster carers? Splitting the dc so one goes off for respite ? NAS schools which do boarding? (My ds went overnights from age 10 for weekends and school holidays) .
In home carers helps .
As you say when they back to school wirk out what was wrong eith the respite aNd what would work
Look at residential school options longer term

Look at AbA schools locally

I would suggest you contact social services and tell them you simply cannot cope and you need weekly boarding, a planned move is better than emergency placement so I suggest giving them a deadline of September. Do not feel bad, they need to step in, it's not your fault

"I would suggest you contact social services and tell them you simply cannot cope and you need weekly boarding"

Weekly boarding is usually an educational placement and it is very difficult to argue educational need at ks1. Social services don't deal with educational placements.

If the OP wants residential I would strongly recommend doing lots of research before making a request. Social Services have already made getting basic respite difficult so it's unlikely the LA are going to make a residential placement easy. Even LAs that seemingly agree will try and enforce Section 20s or 52 week placements when the parents want 38. It's not something to go into lightly.

@Spikeyball

"I would suggest you contact social services and tell them you simply cannot cope and you need weekly boarding"

Weekly boarding is usually an educational placement and it is very difficult to argue educational need at ks1. Social services don't deal with educational placements.

Can be tri funded under care health and medical or dual funded education and care Hence ehcp

For now try get good ongoing respite locally which I guess may mean in home cate maybe you need tezm.of three to come in to manage two high needs dc for a day ?

OP
Please read @MrsPsmalls 's post. Again and again.
Have your DH read it - again and again.

@Bonheurdupasse

OP Please read *@MrsPsmalls* 's post. Again and again. Have your DH read it - again and again.

Really, don't do this.

The children are KS1, it's really not comparable.

Telling parents they have to accept being humiliated to access respite is really not OK either.

Threelocusts is right, do try and go private. The Cauldwell Trust can sometimes help.I don’t recommend splitting up although I do understand. Trust your gut instinct - you thought there could be something underlying. I did too and there was. Nutrition, nature, sunshine, grounding, animals massively helped underlying inflammation for us. It’s still hard but it’s now manageable. I’m also going to look into some of the recommendations on here, such as Sarah Naishs work. If nothing helps, then yes, respite/ residential is right for some families. No judgement here. Only families experiencing this have any idea.

If you are in London or Birmingham Resources for Autism run holiday playschemes as well as offering other services.

OP, if your children go into residential care now with nothing done to address the underlying causes of their distress, what kind of life would that be for them?
You’re equally as important. Of course. However, only you and your husband are really their true advocates. No one else.
I’m sorry if it accepts you but I would try as much as possible to help them whilst they’re with you first.
You could of course be in a better frame of mind if they’re away and not constantly causing you distress. So you might be able to help them better.

I wish you and your husband the best in deciding on the best steps for the whole family.

@SaySomethingMan

OP, if your children go into residential care now with nothing done to address the underlying causes of their distress, what kind of life would that be for them? You’re equally as important. Of course. However, only you and your husband are really their true advocates. No one else. I’m sorry if it accepts you but I would try as much as possible to help them whilst they’re with you first. You could of course be in a better frame of mind if they’re away and not constantly causing you distress. So you might be able to help them better.

I wish you and your husband the best in deciding on the best steps for the whole family.

This is true. It's just hard when I have such compassion fatigue, they scream so much I feel almost nothing (except stress) when they do it.

Youngest is currently screaming and hyperventilating at the curtain. The same curtain he has always had.

@SaySomethingMan I’m with you, I don’t see how putting 5-7 yr old kids into residential separating them from the only environment and carers they’ve know will improve their prospects long term. As much as it would alleviate distress in the adults.

Respite, support, funding to pay for it all and throw everything at it possible. And investigate if there is any underlying health issue causing pain that they can’t communicate to you. There’s a lot that can be done.

I have a friend whose son at 16 threw her partner down the stairs. He was promptly shipped off to supported living. I can’t see the argument for such young children or that it would be recommended.