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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split up with DH because of the children

152 replies

CompletelyNewAgain · 10/04/2022 17:17

Both DC severely autistic and other disabilities. They scream and attack us all the time they are awake and between them that is around 20 hours a day.

We do get some short breaks and asked for social care respite last year. The respite worked for a bit but literally in the end it was more stress than it was worth and we asked for it to stop. Family are unable to help us anymore due to the extreme nature of their needs.

I just keep fantasising about splitting with my DH (who I love dearly and does childcare 50:50) so that we can have separate houses, share custody and complete breaks from the DC. I actually couldn't cope anymore so went upstairs and abandoned DH but the screaming is just continuing and it's raising my heart rate. I am in fight or flight mode constantly. I feel such a failure and deeply regret having children.

OP posts:
Notsureaboutusername · 10/04/2022 17:51

Hats off to you both. It must be so hard. Could you afford 2 properties? A one bed flat and another property to house the children. Therefore do 50/50 childcare with whoever is off duty in the flat & use respite care at the home of the children if that is possible

Ericaequites · 10/04/2022 17:58

Could you speak to the TAs who work with your sons to see if they can babysit occasionally for extra cash at a mutually agreeable time, even an overnight later on? It would be worth it to just get away to an economy hotel and relax with your husband. I’d like to express my sincere sympathy. I’m autistic, but have many more skills and lead a more “normal” life.

Sockwomble · 10/04/2022 18:01

It is rare for children this young even with complex needs to live in residential care. It would almost certainly be foster care.

Original poster
CompletelyNewAgain · 10/04/2022 18:03

@Sockwomble

It is rare for children this young even with complex needs to live in residential care. It would almost certainly be foster care.
I haven't even thought it through. This would be awful. I don't think I could do it.
OP posts:
Poppinjay · 10/04/2022 18:04

We had to attend a number of 'child in need meetings' and regular lengthy sw visits despite them assuring us there were no safeguarding risks. It was humiliating the sw insisting that they checked every child's bedrooms repeatedly (even though it was always fine) and constantly having to 'safety score' ourselves as parents. There was a lot of paperwork. There was always a risk they would take the provision away or if we said we weren't coping enough then they would say there was a safeguarding risk.

It sounds like your case is being managed by the safeguarding team, not the children with disabilities team. Do you have a local carers network who can help you complain to social care and change the focus of their involvement?

UggyPow · 10/04/2022 18:07

Respite would never have worked for me either, it is so hard.
Do they have any similar interests that one of you could take them to - totally appreciate if not as mine is 15 & basically never leaves his room.
What are the dynamics if you deal with one each? There are no easy answers
I would gently say if you love each other, running 2 separate homes is a huge expense & a huge step.
I do it all on my own & sometimes you just feel like you can’t breathe or get up off the floor
Make a GP appointment for yourself tomorrow & sending a big hug

AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 18:08

Whilst it sounds like a nice idea would he want 50/50? Plenty of parents split up then find that their ex doesn’t bother with the children (that’s what happened with me ex doesn’t see them at all now and hasn’t in 18m) so I’m alone with 4 kids 2 with asd, just saying be careful what you wish for, sounds like he is supportive though so I don’t think breaking up is the answer

ElenaSt · 10/04/2022 18:09

Don’t let feelings of misplaced guilt stop you from doing what is best for your family.

If you and or your husband become so broken by the circumstances you are in, you are not going to be able to cope.

By having the children in a professional care facility there is round the clock care by people that work shifts and are not worn down the way you and your husband are with the constant noise and attacking behaviour.

There may be a difficult transitioning period but your children will have their needs met which after all is the most important thing.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/04/2022 18:09

Could you book into a Premier Inn or travelodge for Easter weekend to give yourself a complete break.

And then each do that for a weekend every other weekend to have a proper break

oakleaffy · 10/04/2022 18:09

It sounds like a nightmare.
A person I know well adopted a DC at age 4 , and the DC wasn’t nearly as bad as this, but they got the DC into a boarding school, ( The Council paid) which helped enormously.

Hope you can get some respite.

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 18:09

I don’t know if you can afford this or whether it’s an option but actually we have friends who have got demanding children but with no additional needs and they do actually take it turns to go by themselves to an Airbnb for weekends respite.

TigerMum8 · 10/04/2022 18:11

Very sorry to hear about this OP. It is obvious that you have been pushed beyond breaking point and you have everyone’s sympathy. You just desperately need to find some means of having a break. Your solution isn’t a bad one in that having an extra separate space, if you can afford it, will allow each of you to have a complete break. I’m sure you love your children but these circumstances would test anyone.

TigerMum8 · 10/04/2022 18:13

Oakleaffy makes a great point. Your kids should qualify for a local authority grant to enable them to attend a specialist school, possibly boarding. Perhaps a flexible boarding arrangement could work which would give them the focussed help they need and give you both a break?

Patchbatch · 10/04/2022 18:13

It sounds incredibly difficult and the underfunding for support for people and their families is bordering on criminal. I expect deep down you know it wouldn't be as you imagine it if you split, but it's clear you do need something to change. My cousin went to residential school and absolutely thrived, I think it also saved my aunts life to be fair as well, its worth looking into.

CookieBlue · 10/04/2022 18:16

Hi OP. Do you have a social worker? If you can find the right short break care it could do wonders for you. Our local children’s charity offer overnight respite care (must be through the council/social worker) and all kinds of day breaks. They take the most severe 1 to 1 cases and I know for some parents it has been an incredible help. I’m not sure what area you are in and what might be available to you. It must be hell on earth and I really do hope you find the right help and support Sad

oakleaffy · 10/04/2022 18:17

@CompletelyNewAgain
A friend adopted a DC from Council and they hid from them the degree of damage done to the child from early abuse.
It was like having a wrecking ball through their marriage and existing DC

The adopted Child was eventually given residential care after years of ( largely futile) counselling.

It is incredibly hard.
Friend is very patient, but the constant “ Noise” and defiance was endless.

The residential boarding school was very good for the adopted child.
Hope you can get the same.

DiscoBadgers · 10/04/2022 18:18

Do your children attend mainstream or SEN school?

Are they easier to manage if they are separate? If so, can you and your DH divide and conquer?

We have 1 severely autistic DC who is violent, and we split the days so DH looks after him in the mornings and I do the afternoons so we each get a break.

Do you have support from the OT and CAMHS?

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 18:18

@Sockwomble

It is rare for children this young even with complex needs to live in residential care. It would almost certainly be foster care.
Op please don’t let this poster scare you. Speak to your social worker about residential schooling as it is an option of you go that route.
Sockwomble · 10/04/2022 18:19

Do you still have social care involvement? I know that it feels intrusive but you get used to it and it is helpful to have them involved as the children get older. The provision you were given wasn't suitable. With young children it does tend to be at home at least at first but once the support workers have an understanding of your children, they should not be expecting your involvement. A short break has to be a break for parents. You can ask for a personal budget ( usually done via direct payments) if you want to choose the workers and have more control of when they work.

oakleaffy · 10/04/2022 18:21

Edit..
I didn’t realise my first post actually posted!
Sorry about that. ( spotty Internet connection)

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 18:25

It's really appalling that you were treated like that by social workers, as though you had done something wrong! It's really shocking. How did they justify that? What are they like in school?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/04/2022 18:25

For those with NT children who are suggesting however “gently” residential care.

You have no idea.

Seema1234 · 10/04/2022 18:26

You need to ask for a review of their EHCPs and can request a residential school. They do exist for this age group.

cansu · 10/04/2022 18:29

I get this. I thought about it too. You need residential schooling. I was very close to walking but we did eventually get a weekly boarding place for our eldest.. It made a massive difference and was also great for our child.

ShoshanaBlue101 · 10/04/2022 18:30

Most social workers don't know the difference between a Section 17 and a Section 47.....and therein lies the problem.

You could try for a residential school but depending on whether it is care or education, you may be asked to sign a Section 20.

I would contact Sunshine Support for this specific sort of help re schools.

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