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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split up with DH because of the children

152 replies

CompletelyNewAgain · 10/04/2022 17:17

Both DC severely autistic and other disabilities. They scream and attack us all the time they are awake and between them that is around 20 hours a day.

We do get some short breaks and asked for social care respite last year. The respite worked for a bit but literally in the end it was more stress than it was worth and we asked for it to stop. Family are unable to help us anymore due to the extreme nature of their needs.

I just keep fantasising about splitting with my DH (who I love dearly and does childcare 50:50) so that we can have separate houses, share custody and complete breaks from the DC. I actually couldn't cope anymore so went upstairs and abandoned DH but the screaming is just continuing and it's raising my heart rate. I am in fight or flight mode constantly. I feel such a failure and deeply regret having children.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 10/04/2022 19:50

Residential school placement.
Look at priors Court aNd NAS schools

Marleymoo42 · 10/04/2022 19:54

I know a couple with high needs children. They scrapped plans to extend their house tand bought a static caravan. They used the caravan as needed to give each other a break. The kids enjoyed it too obviously. I'm so sorry for your situation. You're not alone. I'm sure some reading this will be in a similar situation and appreciate your honesty.

Bobbybobbins · 10/04/2022 20:03

I have two DS with ASD and learning disabilities and totally empathise OP. Our 8yo is a little easier to manage but our 6yo does a lot of screaming. Being non verbal I think doesn't help as he can't express anything. We have talked about residential care but I don't think it's feasible for us til he's older. We get social care funding but luckily since he started school he enjoys trips out a lot more so the carers are able to take him to the park, sensory room etc.

HikingforScenery · 10/04/2022 20:12

@CompletelyNewAgain

Omg, I just had a lovely moment, separately, with each of my DC. Really nice cuddle each, very affectionate. Now eldest is screaming again!!

I once asked youngest's paed to order a full body MRI as I could only assume there was some underlying pain condition because I've never met a child who just screams all the time. Paed said no.

This is probably really outing but to my great shame I actually work with children with SEN. Why can't I understand my own DC??

They both attend SEN schools and have some hiccups there but nothing major. School is a different environment that I can't offer exactly at home. School don't have to give them meds, deal with bedtimes, have to cook and do childcare. They can deploy staff in a ratio of more than 3:1 in a crisis situation.

It's a tough one because it really is the highest of highs and lowest of lows with them. The highs keep us going but my god the lows are something else.

OP, I’m so sorry. This seems so hard. Is there any way at all you could go private? DC sounds like they’re in pain with so much screaming. Try and get the help they need, anyway possible, if you can afford it

Early intervention is very important.

FancyAnOlive · 10/04/2022 20:14

I have two autistic children, not the same level of need as yours but my younger one (12) screams a lot and I find it really horrific, it just makes me cry and it really distresses my older one as well. Screaming and being physically attacked (also something I am very familiar with) is so horrible and traumatising. I don't know if it's any help but do you know the work of Phoebe Caldwell and Intensive Interaction - you mentioned not understanding your children and I wondered if it might help to find out what the screaming is for - is it meeting a sensory need, is it pain, is it frustration? I am so sorry this is happening to you. I'm a teacher working with lots of kids with SEND as well and totally get the shame of feeling you can't cope with your own ones. Massive hug to you.

Puffalicious · 10/04/2022 20:14

My love, very unmumsnetty hugs.FlowersYou are coping with so much I don't think anyone can even imagine. DS3 has ASD, ADHD and epilepsy and it's a tough life coping with him, but he's verbal, in mainstream and nothing like you need to deal with. Some days I cant cope, so I can only imagine what you and your DH feel like.

I have nothing but solidarity to give you. Please take very good care of you.

sunlight81 · 10/04/2022 20:14

Do it ... sounds no worse than now. If it's doesn't work, get back together again!!!

SilverDoe · 10/04/2022 20:15

This sounds an awful way to live I'm so sorry. But even if you can't see it yet there is light for you.

Do you have to split up with your partner who you love to consider separating in practical terms? Your circumstances are extraordinary and if you think it would be mutually beneficial, I would consider it without feeling the need to actually break up.

I don't have children with needs so I'm so sorry I can't offer solidarity or sympathy (plenty of empathy though).

I sincerely hope things get better for you. As said I don't know much about the system but is residential care an option if their needs are so severe?

gossipbird · 10/04/2022 20:18

I would put them both into residential care, just like Katie Price did with Harvey.

You deserve a happy life with your husband, and you can still be a good mother to your children without living with them.

FancyAnOlive · 10/04/2022 20:22

Does residential care exist for children that age though? I know people do it with older kids (I totally understand why and that it can be best for everyone) but I have never heard of it for children KS1 age.

gingerhills · 10/04/2022 20:25

Don't split. It would be costly and leave you to cope alone 50% of the time, as well meaning the children never had more than one adult to control them. It would be very hard to bring any new partner into the situation leaving both of you likely to be alone for the rest of your lives.

But why not try to give yourselves what you fantasise the split would bring - a complete break each once a week or once a fortnight. Take it in turns to go and stay in a very cheap hotel, to sleep late, have a bath in peace, watch TV or read, go for walks, meet a friend etc. You do it for 24 hours one week and he does the next.

You could also look into residential schooling. A friend did this and it worked out better for everyone including her very disabled child.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/04/2022 20:33

You poor thing. The demands your children create cannot be met by just you and your DH. You should not feel guilty at working towards a plan where their needs can be accommodated properly which I am sure will need a whole team of people, and some aspects of residential care. They will be well looked after and you will be able to be better parents. Big hugs xxx

Sockwomble · 10/04/2022 20:34

"I would put them both into residential care, just like Katie Price did with Harvey."

Harvey is at residential college. He is not ks1 age. I think those who know nothing about residential provision should stop posting about it

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/04/2022 20:35

@gossipbird Do you have ND kids?

ANUsernam · 10/04/2022 20:37

Do you have family you could go and stay with for a few days to get a break? (And your DH also get a turn?)

Having a couple of days break and some decent sleep and a rest might then give you a clearer head to think about what will be the best plan in the longer term (and give you some peace and quiet to explore options/ speak to someone who can advise you)

Lookabitlikemymum · 10/04/2022 20:42

Sorry if this has been addressed, no time to read the whole thread, but have you asked their school for help? I worked in SEN school and have huge sympathy for you, we encouraged the parents to tell us if they were not coping because we could try and incorporate some routines at school that could help at home, and try and put a word in for residential respite etc etc.
Keep going x

StScholastica · 10/04/2022 20:43

Tell everyone who will listen that you can't cope, your GP, educational setting, social services, health visitors. Say you are in crisis.
I've seen help go to those who shout the loudest.
Sometimes it tales a real crisis before statutory bodies provide help.
My friends autistic DS escaped from the house and was found at a bus station miles away. He was 9. She had been begging for help for years, suddenly the police and social services were all over her and couldn't apologise enough once they realised she had documented proof of all the times she had contacted them saying that she just couldn't keep him safe, (short of tying him up).
I hope you get the help you need.

Piper22 · 10/04/2022 20:44

Oh this is so awful. Have you considered looking at residential care options for your children? I’m so sorry for you both

FancyAnOlive · 10/04/2022 20:50

Could you afford a specialist carer? I know there are a couple of agencies that offer nannies/carers for children with SEND but it is very, very expensive.
Even though my kids don't have this level of need, I wasn't able to leave them with anyone else for years. Eventually I found someone brilliant who I worked with and had ND kids herself, was unfazed by mine and I managed to leave the house in the evening once every couple of months. Which was amazing! (I'm a single parent, no other parent at all) If you could find someone who could build up a relationship with the kids, maybe at first you could go out one at a time, and then later you could go out together?

Hopspinach · 10/04/2022 20:53

The above suggestion to maybe get a caravan somewhere, so you can take it in turns to get a few nights away each month, is a good one.

Kennykenkencat · 10/04/2022 20:54

@Marleymoo42

I know a couple with high needs children. They scrapped plans to extend their house tand bought a static caravan. They used the caravan as needed to give each other a break. The kids enjoyed it too obviously. I'm so sorry for your situation. You're not alone. I'm sure some reading this will be in a similar situation and appreciate your honesty.
I was going to come on to suggest not splitting but renting or buying a small flat so for a couple of days each week or even just an evening/night in bed in a quiet house you can take it in turns to have time away and at least recharge your batteries.

I think residential care ultimately is probably what you are going to be looking for as long term it isn’t sustainable.

The living in a state of constantly being on edge for your own health and well being isn’t something the body can sustain long term.

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2022 21:01

@safetyfreak

I have to agree that looking into residential care with social services may be the best option. Some children do thrive in this environment as there is daily structure, which is more difficult to come by in a home environment.
I agree with that though realise it would initially be very hard for you. However you can't go on as you are indefinitely, it will ruin your health. I am so deeply sorry you are in this situation, CompletelyNewAgain. You deserve a break.
RosstopherGeller · 10/04/2022 21:08

I'm sorry things are so tough. Unfortunately the type of experience with Social Services and respite is not uncommon , especially with younger children with extremely complex needs. It's because they know if assessed properly they would need a highly specialised bespoke package of support which is ££££.

In my area, the best avenue is via CAMHS, they have a specific area that deals with Severe LDs. Having a professional in your corner to face SS with nips the safeguarding accusations in the bud. I'm very aware that CAMHS Services vary wildly around the country. Another option is engaging an independent social worker, and asking for a reassessment of the EHCP. Cathie Long is worth a look. But that might not be financially viable.

In my area the only residential is for SEMH and they take from Yr1.

PicaK · 10/04/2022 21:09

Are you both working? If not...
Pretend to split up.
One of you will get c£2k in UC support plus child benefit. No council tax, free school meals etc. If that covers your outgoings a small flat can be rented by the other.
Illegal for sure but hell it'd cost the government less than if they had to provide 24/7 care and you'd save your marriage.
Bird nest in and out.
Rack up a credit card bill for respite care.

Bonheurdupasse · 10/04/2022 21:11

OP

Please definitely look into residential school.
Remember that that's not immovable - you can always undo it.
Just start looking into it.

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