AIBU to be annoyed with DDs nursery?

[Rosie1990x]

I have 3 children. DD is 2.

DH and I recently decided to send her to nursery for 2 days per week. We pay for this privately and do not receive any funding.

Ever since she started in January, she has been constantly unwell. She goes for 2 days at the beginning of the week (Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and then by Friday or Saturday she has caught something again and can’t attend nursery on the Tuesday morning.

These are very real illnesses I’m talking about - not just sniffles and coughs. She has been unwell with vomiting and diarrhoea TWICE in two months now. She has also contracted hand foot and mouth disease, an ear infection, a chest infection and Covid. Covid and the ear infection landed her in hospital as we couldn’t get her temperature down.

I have taken her to the doctors who say there is nothing wrong with her and it’s ‘normal’ in children who have recently started nursery. But she is literally unwell EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I see parents mentioning their child is ‘always unwell’ but mine literally catches something new every week without fail. DH and I have even started working it into our routine where we know if she attends nursery tuesdays and Wednesdays she will be unwell again Saturday or Sunday so we don’t make plans. It is seriously that frequent and I am at a total loss.

3 weeks ago, she missed a week because of her ear infection. She had been in hospital and was on anti biotics that were giving her the runs.
The nursery were ok with this.

She went back the following week and got sick again with a really bad cold and cough, temp aswell.

I called nursery on the Tuesday morning and said she wouldn’t be in and I could tell the receptionist seemed annoyed and she asked me why my child keeps missing nursery!!! I was absolutely floored. I told her that DD was always unwell as she keeps coming back with illnesses from nursery and the receptionist basically told me that I should contact my health visitor if DD is ‘really unwell that often’
I was shocked to say the least.

The plot then thickens even more. The HV visited us last week to do a review on DD and DS. We told her that DD was now attending nursery and she said she would follow up with the nursery to get a clearer picture of DD (she’s currently having a few issues with her speech)

The HV then rang me back Friday just gone and told me that the nursery has said DD is always off sick and then SHE proceeded to ask me why?? And said she might look through DDs GP records to ‘get a clearer picture of what’s going on’

I’m completely gobsmacked by all of this. My child has been unwell with normal childhood illnesses therefore has not been attending nursery when sick. I sort of feel like the nursery has ‘reported’ me for this and the HV is following it up for them.
Our GP is well aware of DD and her illnesses and has described them as just childhood ailments due to starting nursery.

To make matters even better (sarcasm) DD is unwell again tonight with a nasty cold so it’s likely I will have to call nursery AGAIN on Tuesday if she’s no better and tell them she isn’t going.
I am not an overbearing parent - she is genuinely unwell and I have been doing the responsible thing of keeping her home due to this (or so I thought)

My DH wants to remove her from the nursery due to all of this but I’m now worried the HV will take even more unkindly to it and will question us further. We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people (or so it seems)
The HV also kept claiming how ‘amazing’ she thinks DDs nursery is because apparently they were rated ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted in 2017. We know this, and that’s why we chose them. But now I’m having doubts and just feel so uneasy about it all.

AIBU? I really don’t know what to do.

Also to add - the receptionist also asked me if I ‘actually want DD to come here as she never gets brought”
She started nursery in January and has now missed 5 weeks worth in total approximately due to illnesses. I refuse to send my child to nursery with a temperature and I figured all parents would agree with me there. Not the nursery apparently

If the nursery are questioning it it would seem your DD is off more than other children - so that would suggest either she does perhaps have a weaker immune system, or that you are keeping her home with standard childhood sniffles. It is not possible or practical to keep children home everytime they have a mild cold, or as you are realising; they are off more than they are at school/nursery.
If she has a cold tonight and you are already thinking she still won’t be well enough by Tuesday it would suggest you are probably a little overprotective of every sniffle

A HV rang your nursery? Mmm HV sounds concerned and so does the nursery. Rightly so! You do realise you might pay a nursery money to mind your child but they're inclined to safeguard your child, Which is also apart of their job. All they understand is your dd hardly turns up so they're worried and again rightly so. You should definitely take your dd to doctors because it's definitely not normal for a healthy child to be sick every single week.

I believe she does have a weak immune system (hence why I took her to the doctors) but the bloods they have drawn twice now show absolutely nothing wrong and they also aren’t concerned about her at this stage. She was 5 weeks early but I’m not sure how much that would be effecting her now

I'd remove her from the nursery. If nothing else, the relationship has soured and you're not going to feel comfortable sending her. The HV might well want to follow up (dropping out can be a red flag) but your GP record will show you've sought medical advice, GP is satisfied it's childhood immunity building, and nothing more will come of it.

Outstanding doesn't always mean a nursery is actually good, it just means they're good at being inspected. There is an outstanding nursery near me and it has the worst reputation for rude staff, overcharging, and overstepping the mark with parents (e.g., pressuring to potty train, giving notice to "difficult" children), its very much a "if your face fits" establishment and they even managed to leave a child locked in the nursery at closing one afternoon but when Ofsted come around they somehow always manage to get outstanding. I wouldn't leave a dog with them.

Yes the HV called her nursery because she has a speech delay therefore she was putting a plan together. I’m not sure how DD having (confirmed) covid, ear infections and HFM (diagnosed by doctors) would be seen as a safeguarding concern but I’m fairly new to such things as DD is the first of our children to be unwell as frequently

Every single illness DD has had has been confirmed by doctors and is on her medical records. It isn’t a case of us claiming she has something when she doesn’t. Hence why I am as confused!

Some kids do get sick a lot when they start nursery. When youngest DS started nursery he was there a week and got a sick bug, then he got chicken pox, then he got HFM, then another sick bug, then he had a bad cold that led to an ear infection. His attendance that first term was a measly 60-something percent. It gradually improved but it was his first major experience of being exposed to 20 other kids germs and it showed. He's 8yrs old now and, aside from the occasional sick bug in winter and covid, is rarely ill.

I’m glad to hear your son is doing better now. I hope DD builds plenty of immunity from all of this as it’s heartbreaking to see her unwell.

I’m just a little upset now that this could be seen as ‘safeguarding concerns’ when she’s 2 and never needed to attend nursery in the first place. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping her away from other children when sick but now I feel as though I’ve been red flagged

This unfortunately is creche life. They are sick. A lot.

With Covid and all excessive cleaning, other illnesses were on pause but are back with a vengence. She will get over all this as she builds up immunity but you have to ride out the first year and accept majority of your annual leave is cos your creche child is sick.

I don’t see how any of this would be considered a safe guarding issue if your child’s illnesses are all accounted for and she has been checked over by the GP. I get the feeling the nursery receptionist is probably over stepping her mark a little and being rude.. hugs OP and hope DD feels better soon

If a child has excessive amounts of time off, then it is natural for staff to be concerned about this. If you have doctor's notes confirming all these illnesses though, you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like the nursery/health visitor are just doing their jobs in checking that what you are saying is true, because in some cases, what parents say isn't true. Try not to take it personally.

I dont think you are unreasonable at all.I never sent my son in if he was unwell.For one thing,young children want there mum and dad if their not well,so not fair to just send them anyway.Secondly,thats why all these things get passed around.What eould really annoy me,would be a receptionist questioning me.If there are concerns that should be dealt with by the manager,not a receptionist.You should raise the issue of confidentiality with the manager and ask why they have not spoken with you direct.

Just take her out. Insteading of getting any benefits of childcare or socializing, it is just adding to your stress and workload, impacting your life, and she is always unwell. Try again in a year or so.

Unfortunately it is completely normal for a child to be ill often for the first 6 months of nursery my own ds was I was alway told just to send him in as long as he does not have a temp now 9 and is hardly ever ill

It's not the nursery's fault.

You were happy for the HV to speak to them until she didn't take your side.

My DS picked up everything the first 6 months, however nursery did say if it's just a cold just send him in it's fine (this however was pre Covid) ... after that 6 months he never had any time off and he has (touch wood) not really been ill since.
The HV will contact your GP and see everything is in order, I wouldn't worry too much, hope you LO is feeling better soon

This is insane!! It’s a nursery, not a school! It’s voluntary to HELP out parents! No child needs to be in nursery at 2 years old. You pay them OP!! Everyone I know who has a two year old in nursery has a constantly sick kid, including me. It’s normal but worse for these kids who were born into the pandemic. The reason other children come in anyway is because most parents can’t keep their kids off even when they really should, because they can’t afford that much time off work. That’s why sickness is so disgustingly rife, as the nursery will know if they’re honest. I can’t believe the receptionist was so rude to you. although obviously they aren’t actually to blame, perhaps rather than accusing you they should look to the hygiene standards they are keeping at nursery! I’ve never had D&V in my life until sent my son to nursery, when we’ve now had it twice in one year. No wonder things are passed around if kids are all playing in tuff trays, where all the kids fondle edible goods and can then eat them afterwards!! I’m happy nursery do fun activities like that but the D&V is definitely a result of nursery and is a very unfortunate side effect. The only reason other kids aren’t off as often is because parents send sick kids in, who shouldn’t be there. I’d say sending a sick baby into nursery rather than letting them rest and recover at home, just because you need them out the house should be of more worry to social services but the world’s screwed up like that.

It is totally normal for a child to pick up dozens of bugs when they start nursery. A pretty much constant level of cold/viral symptoms with occasional extras like HF&M and chicken pox etc as each virus spreads.

The "normal" procedure is that eveb with a cold a child is usually well enough to go to nursery unless they are actually vomiting/have diahorrea or a very high fever that doesn't come doeb with a bit of calpol. Nurseries are usually used to managing with kids that are a bit under the weather. Of course it is a bit different at the moment with covid precautions so they may have stricter rules.

It's not unreasonable for you to keep your child home if they are generally feeling too unwell to do anything. If she's got the energy to engage in play then if she doesn't have symptoms from the nursery's "don't come in" list then she should go in. One of the purposes of nursery is to learn school-readiness and you can't keep an older child off school every time they pick up a virus - they would miss half their education.

One suggestion - could you rearrange your weekly schedule so that she has 2 non-nursery days in between the 2 days at nursery? Eg M&Th or Tu&F? That way she will very rarely miss both days in a given week as viruses are generally unlikely to be bad enough to justify staying at home on days that are that far apart

Does your DD need to be in nursery? If not I’d just wait personally. I also think if she doesn’t need to be, ie it’s because parents are working then you are more likely to keep her home. My DD has been nursery full time since 6 months old (she’s 2.5 now), and yes she does get illnesses, she’s always got a cold. I mean constantly… but they play out in all weathers at nursery and it’s very outdoor focused.
But I do everything possible to keep her in nursery as I neither my husband nor I can have that much time off work as we are both full time. Yes sickness bugs she’d be home but she does go in with most things, (except chicken pox before Xmas).

I can see why the nursery and Hv are concerned in the sense of she would appear on paper to be Off and a lot, and if off 5 weeks so far since Jan-my daughters been off probably 4 weeks in two years?
I’d just pull her out and save the stress and money

It's completely normal for children to get sick a lot when they start nursery. Mine has been going for two years, minus the lockdowns, and he's still ill every 2-3 weeks. Hopefully by the time he starts school he'll have had everything!

It sounds like you're keeping her off more than normal though. That might be because she's really unwell and taking a long time to get better, in which case it needs investigating. In my experience toddlers bounce back within a couple of days, I don't think I've ever had mine off longer except isolating with Covid.

Does she have vitamin supplements? Vitamin D might help.

@BuanoKubiamVej
That’s actually a really good suggestion. I’m in the same situation as OP and currently on mat leave so don‘t have to send ds in, but want to keep him in nursery now that he‘s used to it and enjoys it. I find I am wasting quite a bit of money not sending him in. I know what you mean about school readiness but I think a 2 yr old is different to a school age child. I‘d hope by that age they really wouldn’t be getting sick as often and I would expect the child to not have time off unless seriously ill.

I’m not sure how DD having (confirmed) covid, ear infections and HFM (diagnosed by doctors) would be seen as a safeguarding concern but I’m fairly new to such things as DD is the first of our children to be unwell as frequently

The nursery only have your word for it that it’s all been confirmed by the GP though. In their experience your DD is off ill far more than any other child in their care, and they are concerned. Better that they check in with HV, since she is in touch with them anyway, than they ignore it. It’s not a judgement on you.

I’d pull her out too. You don’t need the grief!

Sounds normal to me. Especially 2yo who haven't been in a nursery setting since birth as these were the children born in lockdown.

Some of the others may have attended as their parents were working since a younger age.

If you are laying it's really not the receptionists place to make such tutting judgements.

However there are safeguarding concerns for constantly missing children and so that's just them following policy. It's all registered with GP so HV won't have much of an interesting read!