AIBU to be annoyed with DDs nursery?

[Rosie1990x]

I have 3 children. DD is 2.

DH and I recently decided to send her to nursery for 2 days per week. We pay for this privately and do not receive any funding.

Ever since she started in January, she has been constantly unwell. She goes for 2 days at the beginning of the week (Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and then by Friday or Saturday she has caught something again and can’t attend nursery on the Tuesday morning.

These are very real illnesses I’m talking about - not just sniffles and coughs. She has been unwell with vomiting and diarrhoea TWICE in two months now. She has also contracted hand foot and mouth disease, an ear infection, a chest infection and Covid. Covid and the ear infection landed her in hospital as we couldn’t get her temperature down.

I have taken her to the doctors who say there is nothing wrong with her and it’s ‘normal’ in children who have recently started nursery. But she is literally unwell EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I see parents mentioning their child is ‘always unwell’ but mine literally catches something new every week without fail. DH and I have even started working it into our routine where we know if she attends nursery tuesdays and Wednesdays she will be unwell again Saturday or Sunday so we don’t make plans. It is seriously that frequent and I am at a total loss.

3 weeks ago, she missed a week because of her ear infection. She had been in hospital and was on anti biotics that were giving her the runs.
The nursery were ok with this.

She went back the following week and got sick again with a really bad cold and cough, temp aswell.

I called nursery on the Tuesday morning and said she wouldn’t be in and I could tell the receptionist seemed annoyed and she asked me why my child keeps missing nursery!!! I was absolutely floored. I told her that DD was always unwell as she keeps coming back with illnesses from nursery and the receptionist basically told me that I should contact my health visitor if DD is ‘really unwell that often’
I was shocked to say the least.

The plot then thickens even more. The HV visited us last week to do a review on DD and DS. We told her that DD was now attending nursery and she said she would follow up with the nursery to get a clearer picture of DD (she’s currently having a few issues with her speech)

The HV then rang me back Friday just gone and told me that the nursery has said DD is always off sick and then SHE proceeded to ask me why?? And said she might look through DDs GP records to ‘get a clearer picture of what’s going on’

I’m completely gobsmacked by all of this. My child has been unwell with normal childhood illnesses therefore has not been attending nursery when sick. I sort of feel like the nursery has ‘reported’ me for this and the HV is following it up for them.
Our GP is well aware of DD and her illnesses and has described them as just childhood ailments due to starting nursery.

To make matters even better (sarcasm) DD is unwell again tonight with a nasty cold so it’s likely I will have to call nursery AGAIN on Tuesday if she’s no better and tell them she isn’t going.
I am not an overbearing parent - she is genuinely unwell and I have been doing the responsible thing of keeping her home due to this (or so I thought)

My DH wants to remove her from the nursery due to all of this but I’m now worried the HV will take even more unkindly to it and will question us further. We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people (or so it seems)
The HV also kept claiming how ‘amazing’ she thinks DDs nursery is because apparently they were rated ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted in 2017. We know this, and that’s why we chose them. But now I’m having doubts and just feel so uneasy about it all.

AIBU? I really don’t know what to do.

We had this same situation when my Dd 2 yesrs old started nursery just over a year ago. She was 8 weeks prem so maybe it's related but I wouldn't say for sure. She was constantly unwell, my GP told me it's a 'rite of passage' (I quote) for a lot of parents starting childcare and to stick with it. Right enough we are 14 months in now and she is rarely unwell.

You don't need to keep her off every time she is unwell tho, that's probably more of nursery's concern because it's fairly unusual - most working parents couldn't do this. Obviously different matter if she had d&v or a temp etc but just a cold no need xx

My dd contracted chicken pox on her settling in day at nursery. She had new spots for 11 days, so my dh and I had to take time off work, lose pay, a d pay the nursery £500 for the privilege of them giving her chicken pox!
It was a pain but not really anyone's fault. I'm sorry your dd has been so ill, but I bet it won't last. Try not to be sensitive about it. They are wrong to make you feel bad. I'd probably find another nursery for that reason. But it's no one's fault she keeps getting ill.

It's totally normal, but very frustrating.
I've always worked in early years and almost all new starters need to build up an immunity to the illnesses.
Secondly, they have to call and check up because of gaps in attendance. When ofsted come, they will often look at the registers for gaps and will want a reason why. Although it's annoying, it is to protect children regarding safeguarding.

I would continue, weather is improving which means less bugs. Maybe ask about their cleaning and hygiene policies to see if anything can be improved to help the spread of illnesses.

Everything has been confirmed by doctors? Why on earth would you see a doctor for colds/d&v/HFM?

I think you’re probably keeping her off for things that most others would send in. If my child had a cold today it would not even cross my mind that nursery on Tuesday would be an issue.

Bear in mind that if she doesn’t go through this at nursery and build her immune system then you’ll have all the same problems when she starts school

Non attendance in a childcare setting is a safeguarding concern -, you know that she's been to the doctor and had all her ailments confirmed, but the nursery don't. I think it's reasonable to do additional checks to ensure that everything is k, although the receptionist's attitude was inappropriate.

I work in a large nursery as a manager. We have an app at our nursery where anything safeguarding related is logged. This includes all absences, any bumps and marks, incidents at nursery, a child coming in looking dirty, not in appropriate clothes for the season etc. Literally everything is recorded. Once a child attends our setting, it is up to us to safeguard them while they are they. Some children do pick up bugs a lot more than other. My own dc seemed in be in one week and out the next when they were first at nursery! It happens but whatever the reason, it needs to be logged. The HV is obviously looking at the absence record and seeing a lot of missed sessions. I wouldn’t take too much notice of the receptionist though. She more than likely has been asked by staff to call and check why your dd is off so much. This is standard as we will call for welfare checks when a child doesn’t come in. One of the reasons the nursery got an ‘outstanding’ is because of their safeguarding policy. This is someone thing inspectors look at closely, as well as their recording procedures.I am always amazed when parents complain about nursery’s reporting them. They report facts, it’s not personal.

My kids caught so many bugs too - lots of time off which was difficult as I was working. I’d have removed them if I wasn’t working as it was horrible to see them so sick so often. I mentioned it to the GP who also said that it was normal and they would be fine when started school (unlike others who hadn’t mixed). They do seem to have a horrible attitude about it, I wouldn’t be impressed either. I think kids are more vulnerable to it now too with covid.

Don’t take it personally OP. The receptionist seems to be overstepping in terms of her comments but recording and forwarding things like this is normal and it’s how some cases of child abuse are flagged. I am not suggesting for one minute that this is the case with you but it is a necessary procedure. Don’t worry.

Or instead of ‘needing them out of the house’ maybe they have a job to go to. It’s impossible to be off every time your child has a sniffle when you’ve got a job, employers get very ar*ey when parents are constantly off. It’s a really difficult situation. Mine went in before they were completely better but certainly not as I needed them out of the house. If only we all had the opportunity to put our feet up with a tea when kids in nursery, some of us have to work for a living

A friend of mine had a very similar experience and was ignored for years, she found out at 5 that her child has an autoimmune condition. I am not saying there is anything underlying with your child but it sounds like they just want to be sure.

OP are there other safeguarding concerns or ss involvement? Is this child being asked to attend nursery by any if these? This is the only reason I can see them being so naff with you about it. Otherwise of course they'd want to check you're ok if not turning up but they can't MAKE her go as there's no legal obligation at this age. It all sounds quite odd...

Whilst the nursery receptionist could perhaps have handled your conversations better, the nursery haven't done anything wrong.
The nursery is legally obliged to track attendance as part of their safeguarding duties. Frequent absences is officially listed as a sign of possible abuse e.g hiding injuries.
I'm not saying the nursery think this is the case with your daughter.
I imagine the HV asked for the opinion of the nursery on the speech delay, they are also obliged to track and record development, the nursery will have little information on that because of the absence. I don't think any accusations have been made about your parenting just a factual conversation.
You don't have anything to worry about as like you say the illnesses are all documented.
This may all seem invasive but these policies protect the most vulnerable children who do need help.

Repeated colds can be linked to ENT issues which can cause speech issues.

Don't take offence at them - it's is their responsibility to check on this due to safeguarding reasons. They aren't being nosy, they are being diligent. Be pleased that they are doing their jobs properly.

This is so typical of a child starting childcare.
Both my dd’s were the same. We are just coming out the other side now with dd. She wasn’t in a full week from November- February.
Now it was just colds she was catching ( due to guidelines here they can’t attend with Covid symptoms 🙄)
I thought we would never be out the other side but she seems to have built up her immune system finally .
I would remove her from the nursery , they seem completely unreasonable to be questioning you . Surely they know when children start that they pick up everything .
If your child isn’t on a tonic or vitamins - I find vivioptal junior or the sambucal gummies very good though I’d imagine it’s just a case of letting her immune system build up

Well yes it is completely normal for a child to have these normal childhood illnesses when they start nursery, but it's unusual for a child to be so I'll so much of the time, so I imagine that's why nursery and HV are concerned.

You said that your child has been to the doctor for every single one of these illnesses has been confirmed by your doctor. That's quite unusual in itself, particularly for normal d & v bugs as a doctor would not normally see a child for this unless they were unwell for quite a number of days with it and they were concerned. Could the amount of GP visits have flagged an issue?

My DS was the same- started nursery in October and it’s only in the past 3 weeks he’s actually attended his full hours there, every other week he’s had “something”. I’m putting it down to the fact he didn’t get to attend the same type of baby and toddler groups as his brothers, so had almost 2 years of non exposure to germs and it’s hitting him hard now. If you don’t need the nursery, I’d be tempted to pull her out of it. Allow your HV to continue her investigation and keep your head held high. At the end of the day, she’s just doing her job.

I thought you were complaining that they weren’t doing enough to stop her getting sick.

But wtf that’s weird that they are annoyed she’s not coming in?

I manage a private nursery and tbh a child not attending isn’t a big deal - The fees still get paid and the staff have a easier day with less children 😂 so what’s the problem

I think you're HV is possibly just being helpful - i don't know what the line is between normal sickness at nursery and where is might be a warning sign of something else going on health wise. These threads always have a skewed response of people who had kids that were sick a lot so I'm not sure what the normal rate is-if the nursery are noticing it its obviously more than is normal - it is possible that you take her out for sicknesses which other people wouldn't because you can- whereas a parent who is working might err the other way

The receptionist sounds like she isn’t great at dealing with people.

But I don’t think the nursery have done anything wrong, as people have said, they have to record absences. But even if they didn’t, the HV calls to discuss your DD’s speech, a perfectly natural response from the nursery might be “well she’s not actually in that much so we don’t have a detailed view of her speech” or something.

We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people

The fact you pay £200 a month doesn’t mean the nursery doesn’t have responsibilities.

(As a completely irrelevant aside and just out of interest, where in the country are you that 2 days a week costs just £200 a month? That’s only £25 a day!)

When one of my children got Ill last year and went to the hospital a doctor told me that they are seeing lots more children who are getting sick due to not mixing during the pandemic and their immune systems are delayed. That could be an explanation as to why she is getting so poorly so often.
I hope it all works out for you and that your daughter gets better very soon x

My DS was the same. My DD had a constitution like an Ox and was never ill. I put it down to just normal illnesses. It's a shame other parents keep sending their kids to nursery ill or tge nursery are not cleaning toys as well as they should. Move her to a different nursery and see if it makes a difference.

Try to boost her vitamin and mineral intake with supplements too.

BTW my DS is still very poorly when he catches an illness, but he bounces back really quickly. I put this down to hiw his immune system works.

Good luck, I know how stressful it is to have your little ill all the time.

The HV sounds nuts. A five year old Ofsted report is worth nothing.

This happened with one of my DC and we were advised to get a referral to a paediatrician to rule out anything nasty which was making them so ill with minor illnesses. From paediatrics (where we filed out any nasties) we were referred on to ENT and got the help we needed for chronic sinus issues and glue ear, and then ultimately audiology, speech and language etc. As that's where the problems lay, in problematic ENT issues. So minor colds always were a much bigger deal and involved time off compared to other Kids, and often secondary sinus or ear infections or tonsillitis

You said that your child has been to the doctor for every single one of these illnesses has been confirmed by your doctor. That's quite unusual in itself, particularly for normal d & v bugs

Yes I thought this. Obviously covid and the ear infection that both led to hospital will be confirmed, but was her d&v particularly bad to warrant a GP appointment? You wouldn’t get an appointment with my surgery for that unless it was quite long-lasting.