AIBU to be annoyed with DDs nursery?

[Rosie1990x]

I have 3 children. DD is 2.

DH and I recently decided to send her to nursery for 2 days per week. We pay for this privately and do not receive any funding.

Ever since she started in January, she has been constantly unwell. She goes for 2 days at the beginning of the week (Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and then by Friday or Saturday she has caught something again and can’t attend nursery on the Tuesday morning.

These are very real illnesses I’m talking about - not just sniffles and coughs. She has been unwell with vomiting and diarrhoea TWICE in two months now. She has also contracted hand foot and mouth disease, an ear infection, a chest infection and Covid. Covid and the ear infection landed her in hospital as we couldn’t get her temperature down.

I have taken her to the doctors who say there is nothing wrong with her and it’s ‘normal’ in children who have recently started nursery. But she is literally unwell EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I see parents mentioning their child is ‘always unwell’ but mine literally catches something new every week without fail. DH and I have even started working it into our routine where we know if she attends nursery tuesdays and Wednesdays she will be unwell again Saturday or Sunday so we don’t make plans. It is seriously that frequent and I am at a total loss.

3 weeks ago, she missed a week because of her ear infection. She had been in hospital and was on anti biotics that were giving her the runs.
The nursery were ok with this.

She went back the following week and got sick again with a really bad cold and cough, temp aswell.

I called nursery on the Tuesday morning and said she wouldn’t be in and I could tell the receptionist seemed annoyed and she asked me why my child keeps missing nursery!!! I was absolutely floored. I told her that DD was always unwell as she keeps coming back with illnesses from nursery and the receptionist basically told me that I should contact my health visitor if DD is ‘really unwell that often’
I was shocked to say the least.

The plot then thickens even more. The HV visited us last week to do a review on DD and DS. We told her that DD was now attending nursery and she said she would follow up with the nursery to get a clearer picture of DD (she’s currently having a few issues with her speech)

The HV then rang me back Friday just gone and told me that the nursery has said DD is always off sick and then SHE proceeded to ask me why?? And said she might look through DDs GP records to ‘get a clearer picture of what’s going on’

I’m completely gobsmacked by all of this. My child has been unwell with normal childhood illnesses therefore has not been attending nursery when sick. I sort of feel like the nursery has ‘reported’ me for this and the HV is following it up for them.
Our GP is well aware of DD and her illnesses and has described them as just childhood ailments due to starting nursery.

To make matters even better (sarcasm) DD is unwell again tonight with a nasty cold so it’s likely I will have to call nursery AGAIN on Tuesday if she’s no better and tell them she isn’t going.
I am not an overbearing parent - she is genuinely unwell and I have been doing the responsible thing of keeping her home due to this (or so I thought)

My DH wants to remove her from the nursery due to all of this but I’m now worried the HV will take even more unkindly to it and will question us further. We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people (or so it seems)
The HV also kept claiming how ‘amazing’ she thinks DDs nursery is because apparently they were rated ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted in 2017. We know this, and that’s why we chose them. But now I’m having doubts and just feel so uneasy about it all.

AIBU? I really don’t know what to do.

@Foolsrule

The HV sounds nuts. A five year old Ofsted report is worth nothing.

Health visitors have connections with nurseries. They'll know whether it's good regardless of the ofsted inspection.

I think this level of illness is not unusual for a child starting nursery for the first time in winter. DD was exactly the same but it stopped after a few months and after that she was almost never ill.

Seems a little much in terms of how often she’s sick. Tbh I’d start questioning the nurseries hygiene if that much sickness.

Nursery have factually told HV your child is absent a lot. True.
In a conversation you knew was going to happen.
HV has queried this with you and is going to follow up with GP

Sounds pretty open and transparent and correct.

And nothing for you to be concerned about.

Which bit of the above do you think should NOT have happened?

I’d complain about receptionists rudeness in a formal complaint and find another nursery who are more flexible. It’s not school- not obligated attendance- if you’re paying the fee I don’t see why you can’t just send her when you want!? My SIL has a nursery and she can drop off or not as she likes. Some days he goes, other days she takes him out with her. Find somewhere more flexible. Let the HV waste her (publicly funded) work hours looking at GP records. I’d just smile politely and let her carry on. You know your child. Good luck xx

@Glitteringduck

A HV rang your nursery? Mmm HV sounds concerned and so does the nursery. Rightly so! You do realise you might pay a nursery money to mind your child but they're inclined to safeguard your child, Which is also apart of their job. All they understand is your dd hardly turns up so they're worried and again rightly so. You should definitely take your dd to doctors because it's definitely not normal for a healthy child to be sick every single week..

Did you read the OP? She has taken her DD to the doctor. The doctor said dd is getting normal childhood illnesses.

OP is a good parent who looks after her 2year old baby when she is ill, keeping her in the loving comfort of her home where she will be looked after one to one.

Until recently - last week? -everyone had to keep nursery children home if there was any chance they might have covid.

OP why not speak to the doctor again, explain everything and get a perspective.

Maybe take a break for a while then seek out somewhere new.I left my job as a Nursery Teacher as caught everything they had! Hand ,foot and mouth disease is endemic in play settings .Realistically symptons are rash and a high temp .Most Nurseries expect colds and sniffles this is part of life with young children really. She is at the age ATM to get the worst of them!

@DysmalRadius

Non attendance in a childcare setting is a safeguarding concern

For school.
For a tiny child just starting nursery - where they don’t even have to be - when everyone knows they pick up illnesses all the time?

What is more of a safeguarding concern is the idea that it is more normal for a 2 year old to be kept in a nursery when they feeling unwell than it is to keep them in their living home.

@flyingant

If a child has excessive amounts of time off, then it is natural for staff to be concerned about this. If you have doctor's notes confirming all these illnesses though, you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like the nursery/health visitor are just doing their jobs in checking that what you are saying is true, because in some cases, what parents say isn't true. Try not to take it personally.

This.

When something terrible happens to a child people always ask why wasn’t it picked up. I think it shows that your child goes to a great nursery where they are on the ball with any possible safeguarding issues.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Seems a little much in terms of how often she’s sick. Tbh I’d start questioning the nurseries hygiene if that much sickness.

If it's the nursery's hygiene that's the issue they wouldn't comment on the child having lots of time off because it'd be a regular occurrence with all children

We had a child who was ill a lot. Nursery was very understanding, we ended up sharing some medical records so they could see it was all genuine and would be able to be a bit more flexible when he had things like a cough. The only difference is the rudeness from the receptionist which I think may be worth noting with them.

They're doing the right thing flagging it and it should all be sorted soon as you have the evidence, the trouble is it doesn't feel like it at the time! There are plenty of children for whom this kind of support would be life changing.

My son was like this when he started nursery. Ill ALL the time. Multiple hospital visits, admitted on oxygen twice with various viruses within the first year or starting nursery, D&V bugs... Everything. It really is relentless.

Are you keeping her off even if she's just slightly ill though? I'd only ever keep my son home if he had s temp or was vomitting / had diarrhea. If he was snotty but basically fine in himself for example he'd go in and I think 9 out 10 kids there always have a runny nose, cough or whatever. If you're keeping her off for all of these too it's probably why it seems she's off more than others.

Not saying it's wrong to keep her off, she doesn't need to be in nursery after all but just it may seem excessive to nursery because in my experience most parents tend to send sick kids in if it's relatively mild.

If I'd kept DS off every time he had a cold he'd literally never have gone in.

@Rosie1990x

Every single illness DD has had has been confirmed by doctors and is on her medical records. It isn’t a case of us claiming she has something when she doesn’t. Hence why I am as confused!

Are you taking her to the GP when she has a cold?

I think she'd be better if in a smaller group with a childminder, or a nanny or a family member, if you are not able to because of work commitments. All mine were constantly ill in nursery and they didn't start until 3

This was my first child, caught every single virus. The Dr reccomended buying those kids vitamins, think they were strawberry basset jelly type ones. They say 5 plus, but the Dr said it didn't matter and to give them to her. Within 3 months of taking them, she never caught anything again! They worked like a charm. My second child has a strong immune system because she was never ill, like the first one used to be.

My Daughter is in year 1 and since covid restrictions have dropped last year she was ill pretty much every other week.
She did have blood tests and a chest xray to make sure all was OK and it was (other then allergies).
A lot of illnesses was suppressed during covid and are now coming back so children are catching things in a short space of time which when there young and there immunity is immature is not a good mix.

Seems like there must be more to this than meets the eye. Is it something to do with ratios of carers to children and with your daughter always off they have too many staff? or do they have a waiting list and parents are chasing places and they feel your daughter isn't really using her place? I can see why the nursery are concerned with that amount of time off though - better they are cautious than not in terms of child safeguarding isn't it?

Some illnesses aren’t excluded from going about normal day stuff. HFM is ok to be in nursery, so are colds.

They will have a list of illnesses that are acceptable or look up public health.

'We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people'

Disgusting attitude.
I'm sick of parents who think safeguarding rules don't apply to them just because they're deemed to be 'nice' people. It's the nursery's job to look into sustained absence. They're not going to ignore it just because it pisses you off.

I think you are absolutely right to be outraged by all this OP. My own DD was constantly ill starting nursery - for months. I kept her off when unwell. Why wouldn't you if you are in a position to do so? The receptionist has way overstepped the mark and acted outside her authority and actually, you could have complained to the manager. Yes, they (an appropriate person) could gently mention her being off a lot but not giving you the impression you are being judged in some way. I would complain and if this isn't resolved to your satisfaction, leave and find somewhere else. Tell them (& your HV if she asks) why. You have done nothing wrong. You are a paying customer, paying for a completely optional service. Nothing will happen because you leave this nursery. Don't be frightened into keeping her there in case they ask questions! The "outstanding" ratings are often based on good paperwork. My advice is to use a local authority nursery when you can. Better run, better staff and often cheaper too!

YANBU.

The illnesses you've listed I'd expect unfortunately.
Though two lots of D and V does sound suspicious. It makes me think the hygiene at the nursery isnt as good as it could be.

With regards to the illnesses. I'd be making sure she was having a regular multivitamin that contains iron and vitamin d.

By pulling her out of nursery right now, you're just storing up these illnesses til shes older.

She will get sick a lot,.it whether its better she builds up her immune system now when shes 2, or when shes older and has started reception- at this stage she will be missing actual schooling.

With my kid she was sick so frequently for the first couple of years, but by the time she started reception it had all settled down and now her immune system copes really well with all the coughs and cold.

If you feel you've lost trust in this nursery I wouldn't hesitate to remove my child especially with the frequent d and v episodes.

Then maybe consider a different nursery.

Nobody should be able to pay their way out of safeguarding. That's how we end up in situations where people in certain income levels or certain professions feel like they can abuse kids and get away with it, because they pay x amount. Shouldn't matter if the childcare is paid for through benefits, government hours or wages, the nurses need to provide the same level of safeguarding for everyone.

They will want to rule out any serious illnesses as well as FDIA (formerly munchausen by proxy), neglect (can't be bothered to meet their needs so not taking them to nursery) and abuse (keeping them home until bruises or injuries have healed).

The very simplest way to do that is check that parent, Hv, nursery and GP are all sharing information and saying the same thing. That can reassure all parties that the child is Ok, getting the support and any referrals they need, nobody is hiding anything and they don't need to refer on further. This could also be an opportunity for the family to get support, eg. If mum has anxiety which she might need support with, or if their is domestic violence between the parents and so Mum is avoiding dropping off, or whatever. It is so, so important that opportunities aren't missed. So try not the take offence! They are just doing their jobs!

It might be worth revisiting the GP, for advice or even referrals, maybe some blood work to check that everything is ok for little one. They have to build their immunity at some point, so hopefully that is all it is and if so would be a shame to take them out now and then have to do this all again in a years time or whenever

You've had an unfortunate run of illnesses, which can happen especially since you're DD will not have built up immunity from baby groups etc due to lockdowns. However from the nurseries point of view, this pattern of absence could also be caused by a parent keeping a child off to hide suspicious bruises, so it needs looking into so they can be sure which situation this is.

All that will happen is the HV will ring the GP, who will confirm she has been ill, and that will be the end of it. It's better they investigated and everything's fine, then risk missing a child who really needs help.

It's the nursery's job to look into sustained absence

“Sustained absence” = frequent, intermittent absences after getting one childhood illness after another in the bug-spreading setting of a nursery.

If I were you, OP, I’d make the absence permanent from this nursery.

However from the nurseries point of view, this pattern of absence could also be caused by a parent keeping a child off to hide suspicious bruises, so it needs looking into so they can be sure which situation this is.

What about all the tiny children who never go to nursery at all? Who are staying at home with their family?

How do we know their parents are not sending them to a nursery so as to hide the suspicious bruises and other abuse they are presumed to be possibly getting?