AIBU to be annoyed with DDs nursery?

[Rosie1990x]

I have 3 children. DD is 2.

DH and I recently decided to send her to nursery for 2 days per week. We pay for this privately and do not receive any funding.

Ever since she started in January, she has been constantly unwell. She goes for 2 days at the beginning of the week (Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and then by Friday or Saturday she has caught something again and can’t attend nursery on the Tuesday morning.

These are very real illnesses I’m talking about - not just sniffles and coughs. She has been unwell with vomiting and diarrhoea TWICE in two months now. She has also contracted hand foot and mouth disease, an ear infection, a chest infection and Covid. Covid and the ear infection landed her in hospital as we couldn’t get her temperature down.

I have taken her to the doctors who say there is nothing wrong with her and it’s ‘normal’ in children who have recently started nursery. But she is literally unwell EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I see parents mentioning their child is ‘always unwell’ but mine literally catches something new every week without fail. DH and I have even started working it into our routine where we know if she attends nursery tuesdays and Wednesdays she will be unwell again Saturday or Sunday so we don’t make plans. It is seriously that frequent and I am at a total loss.

3 weeks ago, she missed a week because of her ear infection. She had been in hospital and was on anti biotics that were giving her the runs.
The nursery were ok with this.

She went back the following week and got sick again with a really bad cold and cough, temp aswell.

I called nursery on the Tuesday morning and said she wouldn’t be in and I could tell the receptionist seemed annoyed and she asked me why my child keeps missing nursery!!! I was absolutely floored. I told her that DD was always unwell as she keeps coming back with illnesses from nursery and the receptionist basically told me that I should contact my health visitor if DD is ‘really unwell that often’
I was shocked to say the least.

The plot then thickens even more. The HV visited us last week to do a review on DD and DS. We told her that DD was now attending nursery and she said she would follow up with the nursery to get a clearer picture of DD (she’s currently having a few issues with her speech)

The HV then rang me back Friday just gone and told me that the nursery has said DD is always off sick and then SHE proceeded to ask me why?? And said she might look through DDs GP records to ‘get a clearer picture of what’s going on’

I’m completely gobsmacked by all of this. My child has been unwell with normal childhood illnesses therefore has not been attending nursery when sick. I sort of feel like the nursery has ‘reported’ me for this and the HV is following it up for them.
Our GP is well aware of DD and her illnesses and has described them as just childhood ailments due to starting nursery.

To make matters even better (sarcasm) DD is unwell again tonight with a nasty cold so it’s likely I will have to call nursery AGAIN on Tuesday if she’s no better and tell them she isn’t going.
I am not an overbearing parent - she is genuinely unwell and I have been doing the responsible thing of keeping her home due to this (or so I thought)

My DH wants to remove her from the nursery due to all of this but I’m now worried the HV will take even more unkindly to it and will question us further. We are paying £200 a month to be interrogated by these people (or so it seems)
The HV also kept claiming how ‘amazing’ she thinks DDs nursery is because apparently they were rated ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted in 2017. We know this, and that’s why we chose them. But now I’m having doubts and just feel so uneasy about it all.

AIBU? I really don’t know what to do.

My DS1 started nursery 3 days a week at 8 months old in January. Between then and easter he had four colds, three stomach bugs, two bouts of conjunctivitis, one bout of hand foot and mouth, and one virus that looked initially like chicken pox but turned out not to be. He is now in his early 20s and very fit and hardly ever ill.
OP, hopefully your DC will pull through this but if not it might be wise to keep them off for a while. With regard to HV just make it clear that the GP is aware of the situation.

@ScrollingLeaves

However from the nurseries point of view, this pattern of absence could also be caused by a parent keeping a child off to hide suspicious bruises, so it needs looking into so they can be sure which situation this is.

What about all the tiny children who never go to nursery at all? Who are staying at home with their family?

How do we know their parents are not sending them to a nursery so as to hide the suspicious bruises and other abuse they are presumed to be possibly getting?

Honestly we don't know, and as a result some will fall through the cracks this way (even though most will be having a lovely time with a caring family). Just because safeguarding cannot reach every child, is no argument for ignoring safeguarding procedures for the children it can.

@ScrollingLeaves

However from the nurseries point of view, this pattern of absence could also be caused by a parent keeping a child off to hide suspicious bruises, so it needs looking into so they can be sure which situation this is.

What about all the tiny children who never go to nursery at all? Who are staying at home with their family?

How do we know their parents are not sending them to a nursery so as to hide the suspicious bruises and other abuse they are presumed to be possibly getting?

This is very much an appreciated issue. I work in a role that involves safeguarding. One thing I take interest in is whether the child attends nursery/school regularly. By no means would I expect them to do the safeguarding for me but I would definitely view it as a protective factor that another professional is casting eyes on them regularly and I would view it as more of a risk if nobody was. As pp have said it doesn't mean that sg procedures can be ignored if the child is enrolled with a nursery though. The amount pp is paying the nursery is irrelevant. They have the same duty of care. However if they're being highly pressing with the child's attendance and persist in not accepting that they've just been poorly then I'd say there's probably more to it

@Sprogonthetyne
I don’t think this is a case of genuinely wanting to safeguard. The receptionist sounds an unpleasant interfering busy body using an excuse for some bullying.

Mines hardly every there either because of illness but I get funded hours. I don’t actually send mine in with a cold because all he wants is me and he cry’s the whole time and they just phone me to pick him up. I haven’t had anything like this happen to me so far , it’s not like there missing school they don’t have to go? I mean you’d think they’d be happy to take to money without having to do the work of looking after an extra child anyway. Very weird I’d be fuming with them I’d probably change nursery.

@Bushkin

I don’t send mine in with a cold , I’ve tried and I don’t feel comfortable forcing a sobbing child into the car seat with snot streaming out there nose begging to just stay with me because they don’t feel well.

Whereabouts are you based? I know this is irrelevant but £200 per month for two days a week is incredibly cheap. It’s £25 a day! We pay £75 a day and our nursery is cheap for the area.

That’s not just a cold is it, a cold has never made my child sob? But even if today my child was upset and had a streaming nose I would assume they’d be over the worst of it by Tuesday.

@Darbs76
How judgmental, there are mums who don’t and can’t work for many reasons. Try to not look down on people when you don’t know there situations/ you sound very bitter it can’t be nice for you to feel that way.

With all of the terrible things happening to children in their homes over lockdown, they need to check why.. they don’t know if you’re covering up injuries or anything like that. They have kids ill there all the time.. that’s why everyone gets ill there. It’s totally normal.

We have to sign forms when there is a mark on them, I don’t care though I would rather sign 100 forms and know that every child there is being checked every time they’re there.

@Rosie1990x

Every single illness DD has had has been confirmed by doctors and is on her medical records. It isn’t a case of us claiming she has something when she doesn’t. Hence why I am as confused!

Of course they'll be in her notes if you took them to the GP. It's still totally normal for kids to get ill all the time. I keep them off if they have a fever or d&V. Not for a cold!

Your GP is right that when they start nursery and are first exposed to multiople ofther kids, it's common for kids to get lots of minor infectious illness.

IF your DD is unwell more often than other kids that suggests she has a weaker immune system , or possibly some undetected underlying health issues. Hence the involvement of your HV. Be glad you've got an HV who is actively on the ball and concerned.

This is not a conspiracy against you and your mothering skills; so stop looking for people to blame. I hope your child is well.

Some of these replies are harsh! It sounds like you’re doing the responsible thing by keeping her off- both for her and for the other kids at nursery. The receptionist sounds so rude! I would try and find a different nursery for her OP. Nothing will come of it as it’s obvious you’ve been to the GP and done everything right.

@ScrollingLeaves

Possible, though I'd hope if that was the case the HV wouldn't be going along with it. Considering the run of tragic cases there have been, I imagine there's a lot of pressure on everyone working with children not to miss anything. At the end of the day I'd rather they be overzealous then under.

OP I wonder if her speech delay might be due to blocked hearing following from catarrh in her ears during all these illnesses she has had? Or an allergy or intolerance?

I hope your GP gives some follow up referrals to look into that. That happened to a couple of my family members as young children.