18yo doesn't value my time - AIBU?

Haus1234 · 09/04/2022 19:36

YANBU, of course

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 19:38

Ime of 18yo`s you are seen as simply staff...

ZaraSizeMedium · 09/04/2022 19:39

YANBU.

He's working so he can presumably afford to pay for a taxi, he's 18 so he is more than old and capable enough of getting himself on a bus, and if he's that precious that he can't use public transport then he can get himself some driving lessons and buy himself a car.

Original poster

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 19:39

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

Ime of 18yo`s you are seen as simply staff...

I'm getting that impression. When he came home he dumped his collection of dirty dishes beside the sink because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes. I asked him to empty it and got a lecture about my tone 🙄

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 09/04/2022 19:39

Obviously yanbu. But also, I wouldn't read too much into his reaction, he's a teenager so he's seeing it from his point of view instead of yours. You can just explain you'd rather have a nice evening doing your own thing, and remind him that you already help him out a lot with lifts, you just won't this time.

Just because he reacted badly to this, I wouldn't generalise that he doesn't appreciate you in general. It's not that deep

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/04/2022 19:40

YANBU.

I think my FIL had the right idea... he helped DH and BIL learn to drive and paid for their lessons... but they then had to be his taxi driver for trips to the pub etc.

The fat there is a bus makes him doubly unreasonable

Original poster

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 19:41

@ZaraSizeMedium

YANBU.

He's working so he can presumably afford to pay for a taxi, he's 18 so he is more than old and capable enough of getting himself on a bus, and if he's that precious that he can't use public transport then he can get himself some driving lessons and buy himself a car.

He has a disposable income of ~£900 per month (about £850 more than me!) so can definitely afford a taxi. He gets the bus to and from the stadium, so it's a time thing rather than a public transport thing. And he chose not to use the money we gave him for driving lessons on his birthday because under 21's get free bus transport and fuel obviously v pricy just now. So he definitely has other options, he just prefers not to use them

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Wbeezer · 09/04/2022 19:42

I hear you, two of mine have been particularly bad recently for expecting lifts at all hours.
I got complaints for being 10 minutes late to collect DS1 from a bus i had suggested he take to get him nearly home from the airport rather than having to wait much longer to be picked up at the airport later by DH. I was not happy, he was offended that İ was cross

Ginger1982 · 09/04/2022 19:42

He sounds generally unpleasant. How did you respond when he told you off for your 'tone'?

Original poster

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 19:44

@Ginger1982

He sounds generally unpleasant. How did you respond when he told you off for your 'tone'?

In all honesty, he's generally a good lad. If I stop for petrol on the way to work, he'll nip in and buy me a coffee. He brings home treats occasionally for his brother and sister. Maybe it's because he's usually a decent lad that I'm so pissed about this departure form his usual attitude

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SnackSizeRaisin · 09/04/2022 19:49

Long story short, 18yo DS (whose journey to and from work I facilitate Monday to Friday) was disgusted today when I suggest he gets the bus all the way home from his football game today, rather than the 45 mins quicker bus which requires me to drive 10 mins each way to collect him from. So I couldn't go off out for dinner with DH, or have a glass of wine in the garden while it was sunny, because he expected me to plan my afternoon around his needs.

But why give in? Just say that you have other things you want to do this evening and remind him that you drive him every other day. I think teenagers are naturally selfish and need to be taught to consider others and be grateful. It doesn't come naturally. Same with the dishwasher thing. Does he usually say thank you for the lifts and other things you do for him?

Original poster

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 19:51

@SnackSizeRaisin In all honesty, I think it's because I'm worried he'll go and live with his dad (who lives in the town with the bus stop I drove him to!). And also because I'm a people pleaser and I give in rather than cope with an atmosphere or argument

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Stomacharmeleon · 09/04/2022 19:52

'Ah sorry mate I would but I am off out with your dad on a hot date. Make sure you have got your key'

I am a sap and ferry mine about a lot but there has to be a line. Coffee or no coffee.

AntarcticTern · 09/04/2022 19:52

I agree with @Mummy1608. Obviously YANBU, but I think his reaction is pretty normal so don't take it personally. He's still at the age when he's finding out the world doesn't revolve around him!

IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2022 19:53

Would his dad pander to him?

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 19:55

YABU not to have stuck to your guns. Why didn’t you?

Ragwort · 09/04/2022 19:57

Wow .. let him go and live with his Dad then, do you really need to 'buy' his affection by giving him lifts? Of course it's nice to be kind and give the occasional lift, but you don't need to prioritise giving him lifts all the time.

StScholastica · 09/04/2022 19:59

They are so used to being ferried about, it must come as quite a shock when they realise that they are actually adults now and therefore they have to behave like adults

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/04/2022 20:01

One explosive bollocking ("How fucking dare you speak to me like that?!") can be remarkably effective.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 20:03

Maybe see it as practice for The Real World?
My 18yo ds has recently managed to be quite assertive managing his car insurers messing up his policy... Bit of polite 'back chat' involved on his part..... Including refusing to accept a 27.50 charge because of their taking too long to ring him back!. Being able to argue comes in handy!!

missymayhemsmum · 09/04/2022 20:07

Nope, he's a adult. So he asks for a lift politely, and if it suits your plans or you feel like it he gets one, or he gets a bus/ pays for a taxi/learns to drive. And he does his share of cooking, laundry and housework and empties the dishwasher because that's what adults do.

With regard to your tone, try to speak adult to adult not mum to kid, but it sounds like the cheeky arse has you wrapped round his little finger like sons do

Trampitt · 09/04/2022 20:07

[quote Mediocrates]@SnackSizeRaisin In all honesty, I think it's because I'm worried he'll go and live with his dad (who lives in the town with the bus stop I drove him to!). And also because I'm a people pleaser and I give in rather than cope with an atmosphere or argument [/quote]
No good deed goes unpunished.

I have zero sympathy for your self-inflicted serfdom.

What's wrong with an 18-year old young man going to live with his dad or with anyone or no-one?

Ginger1982 · 09/04/2022 20:07

[quote Mediocrates]@SnackSizeRaisin In all honesty, I think it's because I'm worried he'll go and live with his dad (who lives in the town with the bus stop I drove him to!). And also because I'm a people pleaser and I give in rather than cope with an atmosphere or argument [/quote]
Why would this be a problem though? He's 18, not 8.

Autumn42 · 09/04/2022 20:11

By 18 my Dcs had passed their test and driving around in their own cars (lessons and cars) paid for from their own earnings. I’d always be there for my children if they needed me and I do like to treat them once in a while but they are adults. It’s difficult for parents these days as so many adult children completely spoilt and so the ones allowed to grow up will inevitably at times feel hard done by

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 20:16

So your son buying you the occasional coffee makes up for the fact that he talks down to you and expects you to be on standby to be his personal chauffeur at all times does it? Honestly OP stop spoiling him.