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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo doesn't value my time - AIBU?

119 replies

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 19:35

Wrote a long post and it didn't work - probably no bad thing!

Long story short, 18yo DS (whose journey to and from work I facilitate Monday to Friday) was disgusted today when I suggest he gets the bus all the way home from his football game today, rather than the 45 mins quicker bus which requires me to drive 10 mins each way to collect him from. So I couldn't go off out for dinner with DH, or have a glass of wine in the garden while it was sunny, because he expected me to plan my afternoon around his needs.

AIBU? I'm trying very hard not to model martyrdom in order not to raise martyrs, and I'm always clear that while their needs are a priority, the DCs wants don't trump my needs (or even my wants, on occasion) because I don't think it's helpful for them to expect the world to bend to their every whim.

OP posts:
dropthevipers · 09/04/2022 20:19

Had I ever even dared lecure either of my parents as to their "tone", there would have followed a very frank exchange of views, involving me not saying much. "Tone" indeed!!!!

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:21

Jeez, you lot are a tough crowd Blush

To answer some q's - buying me the odd coffee definitely doesn't earn him the right to talk to me however he likes. The coffee example was just me saying he's not always an arsehole. I try to remember that my kids have crappy days in the same way that I do, but him having had a hard week at work doesn't earn him the right to speak down to me, and frankly no person (especially man) will grow up and leave my house thinking that they can treat women like a domestic help.

Would it be terrible if he went to live with his dad? Well, I wouldn't love it. I think I'm a decent parent for the most part, and I reckon I'd feel quite shit if he decided that living with me was so unbearable that he'd prefer to stay with his dad full time. That feels different to him leaving home to go out on his own. At the same time, it's another thing that doesn't earn him the right to treat me like shit.

I've done myself no favours on this thread; I probably sound like a simpering pushover but I promise I'm not (well, not as much as this thread might suggest!)

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 09/04/2022 20:28

It's all very well you remembering he might have off days or days when he can't be arsed with public transport or whatever.He needs to remember the same about you. When you said he went into the petrol station, I thought you were going to say he paid for the fuel, not a measly coffee!

Brefugee · 09/04/2022 20:30

I asked him to empty it and got a lecture about my tone

nah. That would be the end of it all and if he wanted me to cook, wash, clean and do the usual household things, he would be earning that back.

Lifts anywhere at all, including work even if i worked in the same place, would be off the menu. If he's a generally good lad, he'll soon earn some of it back

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:31

@HirplesWithHaggis

It's all very well you remembering he might have off days or days when he can't be arsed with public transport or whatever.He needs to remember the same about you. When you said he went into the petrol station, I thought you were going to say he paid for the fuel, not a measly coffee!
That's a fair point, about him remembering that I have off days. Working full time on his apprenticeship has definitely given him an appreciation for what it's like to live in the big bad world, but he's still oblivious to the additional stuff DH and I have domestically
OP posts:
Ragwort · 09/04/2022 20:33

But why shouldn't he want to live his dad? Unless the Dad is an abusive arse or something? Confused. Maybe his Dad would like his DS to live with him and feels pushed out if he has always lived with you?

Dancer47 · 09/04/2022 20:34

It might do him good to live with his father for a while, OP.
He has a lot of spare money to piss up the wall and is in danger of being spoilt with things like lifts as well. Maybe a change would do him good. Too many young men end up expecting to be waited on and this carries on when they get married.

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:35

@Ragwort

But why shouldn't he want to live his dad? Unless the Dad is an abusive arse or something? Confused. Maybe his Dad would like his DS to live with him and feels pushed out if he has always lived with you?
He's always lived 50/50... I don't know why his dad would feel pushed out?
OP posts:
Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:36

@Dancer47 That's definitely my worry - I've had to live with men who were allowed to believe that the world revolved around them and it was not a pleasant experience. I couldn't bear the thought of sending my son out into the world with the same sense of entitlement

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 20:38

Does he pay towards his keep OP? (He doesn’t does he?)

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:39

@PinkSyCo

Does he pay towards his keep OP? (He doesn’t does he?)
He does, and I have also been known to take petrol money off him if he asks for a lift somewhere massively out of my way. He can afford it and I can't 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 20:41

[quote Mediocrates]@Dancer47 That's definitely my worry - I've had to live with men who were allowed to believe that the world revolved around them and it was not a pleasant experience. I couldn't bear the thought of sending my son out into the world with the same sense of entitlement [/quote]
It did you still go and collect him today? Why did you not just say ‘I’m going out with dh so I cant’’?

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:42

@Cherrysoup I guess because I'm human and sometimes I take the path of least resistance

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2022 20:43

I think we are always disappointed when our children are selfish and unappreciative, but the truth is they mostly need to have it repeatedly spelled out to them to be otherwise. Over and over and over and over... until they start to get it, at least occasionally.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 20:44

He does, and I have also been known to take petrol money off him if he asks for a lift somewhere massively out of my way. He can afford it and I can't 🤷‍♀️

And he still has £900 left for spends? Lucky him!

Kite22 · 09/04/2022 20:45

@HirplesWithHaggis

It's all very well you remembering he might have off days or days when he can't be arsed with public transport or whatever.He needs to remember the same about you. When you said he went into the petrol station, I thought you were going to say he paid for the fuel, not a measly coffee!
Same here.

Why are you driving him to an from to work each day?
Do you pass on your way to work ?

Although I do agree with this -

Just because he reacted badly to this, I wouldn't generalise that he doesn't appreciate you in general. It's not that deep

You have said this was a bit out of character, so take it as being a bad day.
However, in response to the request, I'd have said "sorry, I can't today" and that would have been it. He had options - it wasn't like you were leaving him with an 8 mile walk in the rain.

Creamarrancardi · 09/04/2022 20:46

He’s only 18

I was like this at 18 and grew out of it … I’m nice enough now (honestly)

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:48

@Kite22 If I'm passing his work, I drop him there - usually about 50 mins before his start time but that's when I'm passing. If I'm WFH or from a different office, I drop him at the 10-mins-away bus stop that was the cause of the entire thread. The lifts to and from the bus stop (for work journeys) were agreed by me when he was offered the job, and IMO feel different to random weekend lifts for leisure

OP posts:
Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:49

@Creamarrancardi

He’s only 18

I was like this at 18 and grew out of it … I’m nice enough now (honestly)

I honestly think that he's turning into a generally decent person, for the most part, and that it's because she's generally decent that today stood out and really pissed me off. But then, maybe today stood out because I didn't just agree. So who actually knows?
OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/04/2022 20:49

When DD1 is home from university I encourage her to ask for lifts or other favours but I specifically say “I will never mind you asking but I won’t always say yes either and you need to not mind that”

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2022 20:50

All teens are selfish

But OP you are being a martyr to even consider this. Be tougher, it’s better for him. Also - he is not a child FYI, he’s an adult lodging in your house.

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 20:51

@GetOffTheTableMabel

When DD1 is home from university I encourage her to ask for lifts or other favours but I specifically say “I will never mind you asking but I won’t always say yes either and you need to not mind that”
I like this a lot. And I'd like to think my kids would ask me for anything they needed, even though I might not be able to give it to them. But I think the bold 18yo might be pushing it a bit because he knows that's my usual approach!
OP posts:
TheHateIsNotGood · 09/04/2022 20:57

If this is the most of your worries concerning an 18yo, DC or not, then you're both doing ok in the infinite possibilities of the other shit you could be thrown by a different 18yo.

Just let him know that you aren't actually his "staff" (as per PP) and indeed have a life too, which he needs to recognize when making his plans.

Original poster
Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 21:09

His dad (not my DH) says he can see both sides. Which possibly goes some way to explaining why DS has these expectations...

OP posts:
PinkArt · 09/04/2022 21:11

I couldn't bear the thought of sending my son out into the world with the same sense of entitlement
That time is now though, not some point in the future. He's an adult, with a job, out in the world, who is getting pissy with his mum for her 'tone' in her own house and for not facilitating him getting to and from work to his satisfaction.
If you don't want him to be one of the useless, entitled partners so many women on this site are lumbered with, it sounds like it's time to move quick. Does he do his share of household jobs? Do his own laundry, cook etc? I know teens are inherently selfish but he really does sound like he sees you as the little woman at his beck and call.