Page 3 | 18yo doesn't value my time - AIBU?

Original poster

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 21:12

@PinkArt

I couldn't bear the thought of sending my son out into the world with the same sense of entitlement That time is now though, not some point in the future. He's an adult, with a job, out in the world, who is getting pissy with his mum for her 'tone' in her own house and for not facilitating him getting to and from work to his satisfaction. If you don't want him to be one of the useless, entitled partners so many women on this site are lumbered with, it sounds like it's time to move quick. Does he do his share of household jobs? Do his own laundry, cook etc? I know teens are inherently selfish but he really does sound like he sees you as the little woman at his beck and call.

I absolutely don't disagree with you. Although I always find it ironic that it often falls to women to do that work

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 09/04/2022 22:20

You did a 10 minute car journey to pick him up?

Unless it was pouring down or he has some kind of impairment, why couldn't he walk? Would take him 25 minutes maybe?

Solmum1964 · 10/04/2022 00:25

Our DC were allowed to borrow the car once they'd passed their tests. However, once they were earning they were expected to make a contribution for fuel. Sometimes they'd ask for a lift but they still had to pay for fuel and help with jobs so I had the time to take them.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 10/04/2022 00:32

He needs to start taking driving lessons

As long as Mum's taxi is available he has no need to start taking lessons!

You will be put on more and more until he can drive

MoiraNotRuby · 10/04/2022 00:48

He's only 18, and he sounds generally decent. He has an apprenticeship, hobbies and I can see his logic in not learning to drive yet (especially with the pandemic).

I don't think reading teenagers the riot act is helpful. Better to model as much calm and generous behaviour as possible. With some natural consequences built in so its less 'I'm not giving you a lift because you take me for granted ' and more 'I can give you a lift at this time but not any other, due to other plans'.

WildCoasts · 10/04/2022 01:30

It's time for him to learn that you are an individual with your own needs and wants. If you can pick him up and it is convenient, okay. If you can't, he needs to make his own arrangements. It doesn't matter if you have a pressing appointment or just want to cook without interruption, or stay curled up with a book. You can say no.

In my experience you can get a bit of push back when you take a stand about this sort of thing but it doesn't last long. It's good for them to learn more independence at this age.

Mine know that I will always drop everything in an emergency, day or night though. I want them to be safe.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/04/2022 01:59

He gave you a lecture because he didn't like your tone?

Is he sexist? He sounds it.
He sounds like a dickhead too, to be honest.

Stop all favours.
He can fuck off to his dad's for a while / move out, if he doesn't like it.

RantyAunty · 10/04/2022 02:17

He's 18 and an adult.
He's too old to have mummy drive him when he has ways to make his way himself.

Tell him no, that he needs to make his own arrangements.
Are you waking him up for work?
Cook, clean up after him, do his laundry?

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 02:27

@Mediocrates

Wrote a long post and it didn't work - probably no bad thing!

Long story short, 18yo DS (whose journey to and from work I facilitate Monday to Friday) was disgusted today when I suggest he gets the bus all the way home from his football game today, rather than the 45 mins quicker bus which requires me to drive 10 mins each way to collect him from. So I couldn't go off out for dinner with DH, or have a glass of wine in the garden while it was sunny, because he expected me to plan my afternoon around his needs.

AIBU? I'm trying very hard not to model martyrdom in order not to raise martyrs, and I'm always clear that while their needs are a priority, the DCs wants don't trump my needs (or even my wants, on occasion) because I don't think it's helpful for them to expect the world to bend to their every whim.

You are being unreasonable to capitulate to his spoiled brat demands. Oh boo hoo, booo hooooooooo 45 minutes on the bus? Oh my god, the huemanateeeee.

This is a teachable moment, Bloodt use it or the poor cow lumbered with your useless brat of a progeny will despise you so, so hard.

PeakyBlinda · 10/04/2022 02:27

He should embarrassed. Grow a backbone OP and tell him from Monday the lifts stop.

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 02:29

Oh god OP. Please tell me you charge him housekeeping or at least get him to do chores? Contribute to the household in some way? FS. Please say you do.

He is 18 and he can work. At 19, I was working two jobs doing 12 hours, 5 days a week to help suppport my single Mum and three younger sibs as dad buggered off.

I was paying half the rent and 2/3 of the bills as I earned a lot more than my Mum.

amitoooldforthisshit · 10/04/2022 02:41

18yo, on my 18th i got to hand back the spare key and was told to find my own way in the world..think the same needs to happen here

1forAll74 · 10/04/2022 03:18

You will have to speak out, and make some rules for him. It's the only thing to do.

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:18

YANBU

Creamarrancardi · 10/04/2022 03:39

There are some really, really odd posts here.

He is 18, so yes technically an adult in the eyes of the law but becoming an adult isn’t something that happens magically overnight, it’s a process. It won’t be in any way accelerated by following some of the above advice (hand back the spare key and find your own way in the world … seriously ) and in fact that sort of harsh advice is likely to stunt and delay development, not to hasten it.

There is nothing wrong with being a bit blunt here and using a bit of humour. But I am sure I was like this with my dad, would sometimes spend money on nights out because I knew he’d pick me up, and I did just grow out of it. You do. Then you look back and see how incredibly patient your parents were and appreciate them.

I don’t think you have to go along with his every whim, say no, be sharp about it if needs be but all this nonsense about him being an adult who should therefore be entirely independent is just crazy.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2022 04:06

YABU to believe you're not modeling martyrdom.

Read the middle paragraph of your OP and try to see what the language is indicating.

You "suggested" to DS that he take the slow, direct bus. Instead of just going out for dinner after he left for his practice, or planting yourself in the sunny garden - after sending a cheery text to DS telling him you're not available and he should get himself home - you basically played the martyr.

The only way to not model martyrdom is to stop being a pushover who wrings her hands about being taken advantage of. Do what you want to do and stop sitting around thinking you need permission to do it.

WildCoasts · 10/04/2022 05:07

@Creamarrancardi

There are some really, really odd posts here.

He is 18, so yes technically an adult in the eyes of the law but becoming an adult isn’t something that happens magically overnight, it’s a process. It won’t be in any way accelerated by following some of the above advice (hand back the spare key and find your own way in the world … seriously ) and in fact that sort of harsh advice is likely to stunt and delay development, not to hasten it.

There is nothing wrong with being a bit blunt here and using a bit of humour. But I am sure I was like this with my dad, would sometimes spend money on nights out because I knew he’d pick me up, and I did just grow out of it. You do. Then you look back and see how incredibly patient your parents were and appreciate them.

I don’t think you have to go along with his every whim, say no, be sharp about it if needs be but all this nonsense about him being an adult who should therefore be entirely independent is just crazy.

I don't think most are suggesting he be entirely independent. Yes, it's a process, and taking public transport at 18 should be learned by now (unless there are special needs). Part of the process is taking steps towards independence. It's time OP's son stops feeling as entitled to her time and being driven everywhere. That doesn't mean he has to be independent in all aspects.

We're 15 minutes from the train station walking. My "kids" take the train. I might pick them up if the weather is extreme or they are feeling unwell.

I've tried to be gentler with my kids than my parents were with me about this transition but it doesn't do them any favours if I don't encourage the transition step by step. I know that's what you're getting at (step by step rather than all at once) and agree with that. I don't agree that an 18 year old should need much in the way of transport support at this stage.

Cluelessmouse · 10/04/2022 05:13

You ‘couldn’t’ do what you wanted
Or you chose not to?
Don’t confuse the two
Also what happened when he gave you a lecture, did you just stand there and have an 18 year old tell you about your tone in your own home?
You say you’re not modelling martyrdom, which is great that you’re aware that may be a tendency, but I’d say you definitely are.

That said 18 year olds are selfish, it’s just the way they are and they’ll grow out of it

BarbaraofSeville · 10/04/2022 05:24

Could he get an (electric) bike if he doesn't want the costs of running his own car and the bus is too slow. Or a lift with a team mate?

How far was the football. Measuring distances by the time it takes the bus doesn't say much as 10 minutes on the bus could be not very far at all if the bus goes round the houses. Or it could be a good few miles in each direction if it's a direct route on a faster road.

DalarnaHorses · 10/04/2022 05:29

GetOffTheTableMabel
When DD1 is home from university I encourage her to ask for lifts or other favours but I specifically say “I will never mind you asking but I won’t always say yes either and you need to not mind that”

Thanks for this, I have a bit of a (sometimes) entitled 16yr old and that is a good, non confrontational statement that I will use.

Flamingoose · 10/04/2022 05:44

@GetOffTheTableMabel

When DD1 is home from university I encourage her to ask for lifts or other favours but I specifically say “I will never mind you asking but I won’t always say yes either and you need to not mind that”

This is good.

Flamingoose · 10/04/2022 05:53

I had a similarish situation with 15yo dd recently.
She needed to get from A - B at the same time I was driving one of her siblings from C - B. She could either get the bus and walk the last 15 minutes, or I could break my neck getting home from work, 5 minute turnaround with younger DC and drive the long way round through traffic to give her a lift. I did this for almost a whole year because she was really shirty about having to walk when she was "SO TIRED" etc etc. And then I just stopped. I realised something had to give and I gave her a bit of notice and said I wouldn't be doing it any more. I was prepared for grumpiness and bargaining... but actually it's been fine. She didn't mention it and neither did I for a while. Then I brought it up and said how much I appreciated having time to get ready at home, and not battle traffic, and I really appreciated her getting herself there. And she admitted that it was really just the change in the routine that she was resistant to, and now her routine was to bus and walk it was fine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/04/2022 06:10

When you said he’s a good lad and if you stop at for petrol before work he gets you a coffee, I thought you were going to say he sometimes pays for the petrol.

Basically he has a slightly higher disposable income than you and has free bus and car rides. Then thinks he can tell you off. This sounds very imbalanced and something you should address.

I don’t understand why you said you’d systematically give him a lift when you’re wfh. You’ve created so many expectations and have at least 3 more years of this from him if he’s going to take advantage of free buses and your help. My take would be he needs to have things made more awkward for him to encourage him to take driving lessons. Do you have any younger children?

I’ve never been in a situation, where I earn more than my parents whilst living at home and I get at 18 this doesn’t really compute. However, as his mum, are you not going to talk to him about this? Even at 13, due to my poor health, my dd knows lifts aren’t a defacto yes.

newbiename · 10/04/2022 06:14

I think you need to explain to him you won't always give him lifts at the weekend. Other people have a life he needs to learn that.
As for telling you off for your 'tone'. Absolutely not - I'd have gone mad. How dare he?

DailySheetWasher · 10/04/2022 06:20

You can stand up for yourself and preserve your relationship with him, without following some of the scorched earth suggestions on here if they're not your style.

What's wrong with a quick, unemotional chat where you let him know you didn't appreciate his tone earlier, and if it happens again you'll be less inclined to ferry him about in future. Remind him that lifts are a favour not an entitlement, they are subject to your availability and something he should be grateful for. It doesn't have to be a big blow up.

Signed, mother of an 18yo who is catching the bus home from work tonight!