18yo doesn't value my time - AIBU?

[Mediocrates]

Wrote a long post and it didn't work - probably no bad thing!

Long story short, 18yo DS (whose journey to and from work I facilitate Monday to Friday) was disgusted today when I suggest he gets the bus all the way home from his football game today, rather than the 45 mins quicker bus which requires me to drive 10 mins each way to collect him from. So I couldn't go off out for dinner with DH, or have a glass of wine in the garden while it was sunny, because he expected me to plan my afternoon around his needs.

AIBU? I'm trying very hard not to model martyrdom in order not to raise martyrs, and I'm always clear that while their needs are a priority, the DCs wants don't trump my needs (or even my wants, on occasion) because I don't think it's helpful for them to expect the world to bend to their every whim.

He's being a bit of a child, I have a 6 year old who has no appreciation of my own time or personal space, but I suck it up and give her the benefit of my knowledge that she doesn't have the emotional maturity yet. I too am a people pleaser, I'll do anything for her so that she knows she's loved with my actions, she's only little. When I'm frazzled, I explain, "I need you to do xyz, because I've been working all day and I just need to sit down with my coffee for 5 minutes then I'll help you with the rest". Maybe try speaking to him like a 6 year old, be breezy, "I need you to get the bus home tonight because I have plans" big smile. When he objects, remind him that it's not often, and when he's a grown up (!) and he has to take time off work to take you and his dad to your hospital appointments and spend Saturday afternoon getting your shopping in, you'll appreciate him just as much as you know he does you now 😂 whatever you say, don't say "would you mind getting the bus back tonight, I want to go out" because the teenager in him will rebel and it's as though you're asking him for permission. You're putting yourself in the submissive position by requesting. He's an adult, tell him what you need, let him work out his own solution.

[quote Mediocrates]@SnackSizeRaisin In all honesty, I think it's because I'm worried he'll go and live with his dad (who lives in the town with the bus stop I drove him to!). And also because I'm a people pleaser and I give in rather than cope with an atmosphere or argument [/quote]
If he is 18 he is an adult. He can live with his dad ,if that is more convenient for some things. 18 is a difficult age. They turn into fabulous humans again around 22, particularly if they have left home for those years ,and lived with equally selfish people. It's a real eye opener for them. You are allowed a life. My sons both had motorbikes. They took themselves to and from things. Start letting g go of the people pleasing.

People have such low expectations of teens.

No wonder some are constantly so rude & dismissive.

I hope he at least apologised for his "tone", Op.

Teenagers have always been selfish - and many are not out of the woods until their early or even mid 20s (some never reach that point at all); however, I think it's worse these days in some respects, as there's an app for most things that's a click or two and it's done for you.

Lots of people now - not just teenagers, but unlike older people, many of them have never known any different - fail to appreciate that, just because it's very quick and easy for the end-user to get something, many things then require actual people to put in actual effort to make it happen for them.

Just look when there's been huge snowfall at the number of people who will consider it obviously too dangerous for anybody to drive, but are then genuinely confused and angry when taxi drivers aren't working either.

A bit like with power cuts: where we're all so used to having constantly-available electricity (if we can afford to pay for it), the moment it goes down occasionally, we instantly try to turn on the light to see what we do next, or go to put the TV on to see if there's any news about it.

@Nelliephant1

You are being completely unreasonable. Your child comes long before a glass of wine for goodness sake!! I feel sorry for your son, he should be able to depend on you and not have you being utterly selfish.

@Nelliephant1 Hahah there’s always one! Utterly selfish. What would you do in this situation?

Presume you never drink wine just in case on the off chance one of your little darlings may need you for something?

Him wanting to be picked up is a want not a need

He is 18 years old, he is a man not a boy

Are you one of those misogynists that think a woman should surrender any needs and wants of their own when they become a mother? Even when their child becomes an adult and earns more than they do? If you are such a person then bore off!

He's an adult in the eyes of the law. He should start acting like one.

Although it's great he's doing healthy activities with his spare time. Ida sorted a taxi, then everyone can do what they like, he'll have left home soon enough

Ah I feel like you're getting it in the neck here OP, mostly from people who are projecting onto your son every unpleasant man in their lives.

One snippy comment about your tone does not a monster make. Who hasn't made an ill-judged snappy 'comeback' or taken taken offence at a percieved slight that was never intended at least a few times in their life, especially as a teen.

I honestly think it sounds like you have a good relationship with your son. Maybe he pushes his luck a little bit on lifts etc because he's used to getting them, but little patches of immaturity like that are easily sanded out with time. 18 is a tricky age because they are adults but, especially if they are still living at home, the habits of childhood and the parent as the caretaker dynamic are long ingrained and easy to fall back into.

As others have said, it sounds like he might need a reminder that when it comes to thinks like trips he can sort out for himself then you doing him a favour depends on when it's convenient to you, but he might already know that and have just had a huffy teenage lapse in judgement when he really knows better because everyone makes mistakes.

My kids are just a bit older than yours, but I found parenting them at that age a bit .. interesting.

The ferrying around was hard, but i drastically raised my expectations of household chores. If their laundry was in the basket, I would wash it, but equally, I would ask them to do a load more often.
If they left their plates on the side, I would leave them. They were expected to make dinner more often.
However, I also developed a different way of asking them to do things. More of a jokey way, but stuck to my guns.
I found the transition into doing less for them and getting more back so liberating! It did take awhile though.

OP, driving him daily isn't sustainable. Is he planning on learning to drive? I would encourage it by being less available to ferry him around for hobbies, and DEFINITELY put your plans over his.

18 is a tricky age because they are adults but, especially if they are still living at home, the habits of childhood and the parent as the caretaker dynamic are long ingrained and easy to fall back into.

I think this is true. I moved out at 18 and got a crash course in doing things for myself. My older brother did likewise. My younger brother stayed home for university and definitely took longer to stop expecting lifts and laundry etc.

Just tell him no. Why should his disgusted face bother you?

One snippy comment about your tone does not a monster make.

absolutely not but it should also be nipped in the bud. We don't need to be "tone policed" by anyone, least of all our own children. (my - older than 18) DC often comes out with that kind of thing, so whenever they use a tone i do it back and point out how annoying and out of order it is. It is getting less and less.

@Momicrone

Although it's great he's doing healthy activities with his spare time. Ida sorted a taxi, then everyone can do what they like, he'll have left home soon enough

@Momicrone

He’s an adult with his own money, he can sort his own taxi!! Why should she do it?!

And he may not leave home soon. You see it on here loads, women agonising over whether or not to charge their son or daughter for still living at home even when said daughter or son is about 32 years old and earning 40k per year

@Creamarrancardi

How many times did you lecture your father about his tone?

@speakout

My parents went for the 18 is an adult approach and did not help me with anything.

Mine too- and didn't have much of a relationship from then on- still don't.

An 18 year old does not need ferrying around. Either learn to drive or use public transport. I can't drive so my DS will be making his own way to places when he is old enough to go out without me. We live somewhere with good public transport, me and my friends used to get the bus together to town from around age 11.

Some of you really mollycoddle your kids. I stopped getting lifts when I was old enough to go out without a parent present. If you live rural then it's understandable but if you're somewhere with buses and taxis then it's a good way for teens to learn to get themselves around. It wouldn't have occurred to me to use my parents as a taxi service.

It’s mumsnet, everyone mollycoddled their kids (even when they’re adults) “because they didn’t ask to be booooooorn” blah blah

It's not at all ironic that women get landed with the emotional labour of training the misogyny out of boys.

Its called 'being assertive' and if you are the feminist you say you are you need to pull up your assertive knickers and do it, or you will regret it to the end of your days.

Pussy footing around his moods and waiting nervously to see what face he pulls if you 'suggest' he do something is the behaviour of a woman who badly needs assertiveness to training.

You are talking the talk here but you're not walking the walk. Your beliefs about yourself are not translating into speech or behaviour.