To ask what your "mum burnout" looks like?

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Would really like to hear your opinions on how mum burnout makes you feel and how it manifests for you.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old, still up 4-5 times in the night but it's brief (a little bit of milk or her dummy has fallen out) no long nights awake pacing her about the house crying thankfully, so can't really use that as an excuse but...

I'm exhausted. Properly burnt out. I find myself wondering if it's normal, or am I just weak or pathetic or dying 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm always on edge, more anxious, argumentative, I feel like I'm stuck on a loop 😩

So what about you?

Just a comment on all the sleep/non-sleep issues: I’m one of the lucky ones whose DC did/does sleep fairly well but I am under no illusion that it’s because of what we did. Of course we had/have a reasonable routine (as 95% of parents have) but that’s not the reason dd slept okay - she just did. She was just settled/responded to the whole ‘awake but drowsy’ thing, just because. No special trick, just luck. I feel so much for people whose dc don’t sleep and would never ever think or suggest it’s because parents are doing something wrong - I’ve seen it with friends’ dc and one of my nephews: parents who are fantastic and who do everything they possibly can but the dc just doesn’t sleep. I too would want to scream at people to f** off if they implied it was my fault if my
dc didn’t sleep. In fact I have two friends who I think are super mums - so calm, patient etc and they happen to have unsettled/never sleeping dc, and it is not their fault and in fact I think ‘thank god those dc have mums like that as other mums (including me) would’ve lost the plot by now’. BTW one of the two friends now has a second dc who sleeps fine; the second one is just a much more settled dc and more easy going by nature ie born with a much calmer temperament. So my point being: so sorry to all parents who have been made to feel like they are at fault, ignore the stupid comments, don’t justify yourselves and please know some of us with dc who sleep well are appreciative of our luck and know it’s not anything we as parents did!

And you have to learn how to say no. No. I'm not doing that. I matter.

I am absolutely not your service human, so don't ever expect me to be.

Society asks too much from women. Don't be the de-facto answer to the 'who's going to do this tedious task?' question.

Not I! Should be the answer.

And then you can all sit round and have a chat about it like grown up, equal people.

Thanks you @DancinOnTheCeiling you get it.

DD had an alarm on her arse. We'd try to put her down and the second her arse hit the cot WAAAAHHHHHHHHH. It was a running joke. I mean we laughed but I think it was mainly hysteria. Drowsy but awake like buggery.

Not rtft but I’ve been there OP. Its why I’m now a one and done family. I made DS use a dummy chain (trail his hand down it in his sleep and taught him to pop his dummy back in) and that saved a good few nights

Dummy Clip Boys, 4 Pack Pacifier Holders Leashes Set, Fits All Pacifiers Baby Teething Toys, Baby Shower… www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08H5MJ9GC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_AQNHGSK4CKRYXQY29R8K?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

when they were tiny, my husband took on as much as I did

Mine does we do alternating nights with one DC each; who ever has the baby goes to bed early but gets a broken sleep and whoever has the toddler is up later, does some chores before bed then gets to sleep through but then has to get up earlier. All housework is 50/50. Both work FT.

It makes life possible, it doesn’t stop having two under two from being the most intense experience of my life.

I’ve had two kids and both slept through from very early stages so I can’t say I know how you feel.
HOWEVER, I literally thanked god for it and I’m an atheist. I would liken constant broken sleep with absolute torture, I know I am not a strong enough person to cope with something like that so kudos to you. I can only imagine it’s horrific and I hope it improves for you soon.

@WaveParticleDuality my DH was exhausted too. We constantly tag team and have done when they were very small. We have no support network so just us. Plenty of exhausted dads too.

@Idontknowwhatsforbloodytea @scatterolight OMG i used to think this too. I would never have guessed that this also occurred to others. I used to visit my mums grave and look around at all the inhabitants and think god they’re so lucky, chilling out in the sunshine in the, well, silence. No one needs anything from them. Their relatives bring them things. They are noticed and missed. They don’t feel awful and dizzy from broken sleep. It’s similar to wishing you could break a leg and go into hospital for a couple of nights just to get some sleep.

Reading this thread back makes me think that somethings horribly wrong with the set up for mums with very young children in our society.

I am through these days now. I have found the challenges of teens are nothing, nothing in comparison to the early years which were basically adult destruction.

The legacy is that my focus for the me things has never returned. Years of many interruptions, mean that I never read a book nowadays, as I can’t seem to settle and get my mind fully on it. Though I am still in the stage of kids coming in to the lounge and wanting things / asking questions, so maybe my concentration will return in the future.

Have you had your iron levels checked op?

Yes, the main feeling I've had in 15 years of parenting is irritability, followed by despair at the unrelenting grind.

My ex left when my youngest was around 16 months old. One of the (many) reasons he gave was that I was too grumpy, not upbeat enough with the kids and didn’t want sex enough. I’d been breastfeeding my youngest multiple times a night every night since she was born and doing every single wake up for her bar one night when I was too ill. For a few months had also been home schooling my eldest who has special needs too, and also doing wake ups for him as my ex conveniently never heard him. But hey, I was too grumpy.

You are well rid @Stayingstrongish he sounds like a douchebag!

Exactly the same op I have a 9 year old and 18 month old. I'm always in fight or flight mode I just feel like i can never relax its terrible. Then keep thinking I'm taking sick and that adds to the anxiety it's a vicious cycle. Hopefully passes soon xx

Mine are 3 and 6 now, so the sleep is better, but I would agree with those who say they stay up too late watching crap, knowing that their kids will be up in a few hours, just to get some time to themselves where nobody is demanding anything of them (doesn’t help that I often have to work after bedtime so don’t get to stop until 11 by which time I am just craving a moment to myself).

Also, I am terrible at replying to messages / WhatsApps / emails and generally staying in touch. By the time I’ve spent 15 hours dealing with the demands of work, kids, school crap, life admin and chores, replying to messages just feels like another job. A quick answer to the school parents WhatsApp group is fine, but replying to lengthy messages is too much. This is awful, because they’re just lovely friends and family being interested in my and my children’s lives, but I just don’t have the energy to keep up .

Yes to this thread (well, apart from the obvious smug posts). My mum burnout looks like me just wanting some time ON MY OWN when I'm not at work or have a 3-year-old attached to me. I'm very, very rarely at home on my own as DH is a SAHD and suffers with anxiety and depression, so he gets the days where DC is at nursery and I'm at work to be in the house on his own. Then I come back from work and I'm straightaway Mum and having to converse with DH because he's not seen anyone all day. At weekends he wants to go out as a family, yet I want to crack on with household tasks or - heaven forbid - sit on my sofa on my own and watch shit TV.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was at home and no one else was here. Even before the pandemic.

And depression, too. Massively overweight, no desire to exercise or eat properly.

DS is 3 and still waking at least once in the night.

Sorry, bit rambly.

Whose child sleeps through from 6 weeks ffs!

Yup DH does his half here too, so he has dad burnout.

I know everyone raves about how WFH is great for working mums, but I’ve been less stressed since we’ve been back in the office some days. Working from home I went straight from children needing me to work needing me to children needing me again. At least on my commute nobody’s mithering at me for anything and I can read a book.

Like others I also find myself spending ages scrolling mindlessly on my phone at home and no longer have concentration to focus on things. It’s the feeling on edge and the expectation/knowledge that I’ll get interrupted any minute, plus the feeling that dedicating uninterruptible time for myself would come at the expense of something more important. For a while me and DH traded off ‘day off’ sometimes where we’d take turns staying in a cheap Premier Inn for a night once every few months to recharge.

Oh, and the dual stress of feeling like a) everyone needs you all the time and b) you are letting them all (children, work, family) down because you’re so knackered and grumpy is horrible.

My parents and PILs are getting more reliant on me and DH for stuff, not full-on care but can you sort out my bills for me/sign me up for this magazine/help me book this thing I want to do/sort through these boxes for me, stuff, and I feel like I’m constantly unsympathetic and useless because my first thought when we get a call from them is “ffs what NOW?”

@KatherineofGaunt

Yes to this thread (well, apart from the obvious smug posts). My mum burnout looks like me just wanting some time ON MY OWN when I'm not at work or have a 3-year-old attached to me. I'm very, very rarely at home on my own as DH is a SAHD and suffers with anxiety and depression, so he gets the days where DC is at nursery and I'm at work to be in the house on his own. Then I come back from work and I'm straightaway Mum and having to converse with DH because he's not seen anyone all day. At weekends he wants to go out as a family, yet I want to crack on with household tasks or - heaven forbid - sit on my sofa on my own and watch shit TV.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was at home and no one else was here. Even before the pandemic.

And depression, too. Massively overweight, no desire to exercise or eat properly.

DS is 3 and still waking at least once in the night.

Sorry, bit rambly.

Not rambly, it's relevant. I'm sending you a big hug, you have so much to deal with. I'm sorry it's not easier for you x

@Reluctantadult

Have you had your iron levels checked op?

Reluctantadult- just really love that username 🤣

Yes bloods are fine, although the past two months I've had really horribly heavy periods (which isn't helping to my overall sense of "OH FFS!") maybe I'll mention to to GP if I don't see any improvement 🧐

So I live in NI, my family are all back in England / Wales. DH family live here but unfortunately you wouldn't feel safe leaving a cat with them for a long weekend let alone a child (alcoholism amongst other things) so it's not an option to leave the children with them.

My parents are wonderful but ageing... the past two times they have been here it's really hit me how unable they are and to be honest it was like having two more children to run around after and do things for, it was a really tough 3 weeks (that's how long they have been coming over for lately and I'm struggling with that amount of time but can't say anything to them as they just want to see me and the kids)

DH is good, he regularly takes both kids and sleeps in the spare room, I put on an eye mask and ear plugs and sleep like the dead but... still wake up the next morning and it's back to it. I feel like a month long break Isolated on an island MIGHT come close to allowing me to recuperate but even then I just feel like this might be what being a parent feels like forever or wouldn't matter if you had a break.

As i mentioned in my previous post I tried out the baby with a cot full of dummies last night! Im not sure it helped loads but she was only up twice maybe 3 times so it's a little better? I'll keep going with it anyway.

Quick question:

For those with a partner who doesn't help out with the baby at nights, what's their reasoning / excuse? How does that conversation go? As much as DH drives me demented I can't imagine me asking for help and him saying no. Surely they can see and understand you need a good nights sleep at some point?

If anyone is willing to share how that actual conversation goes id be fascinated to know. In my head it would be:

"Are you ok to do tonight with the baby?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a twat and I don't care if you pass out from exhaustion"
"Ok"

Sleep deprivation is a bastard!

I think 4-5 months is a lot too, mine were also early at sleeping through except for one who was a nightmare til 10 months when I did controlled crying.

How about a dummy strap so they can find it on their own? Nothing worse than scrambling around in the dark trying to find a dummy for a crying baby

I'm not loving all the dummy clip suggestions....for starters my anxiety would have me up more than the baby if I used one during sleep. Do you not worry it's a choking or strangulation hazard? I have to admit I religiously stuck to the lullaby trust empty cot recommendation which potentially made things a little harder but I'd rather that than the potential alternative no matter how slim the chances were. (Not in any way judging those who did things differently but PPA didn't allow me to even consider it, even now at 18 months with barely any anxiety lingering he has an empty cot bar dummy)

Also agree sleep deprivation is a bastard! Mine are 4 and 7 now so we're through being up every night, but my 7yo is still an irregular sleep demon and was up until 1:30am last night, in the end I sent her downstairs to watch barbie on Netflix on her own then ds was up at 6am. So anyway you asked about how a conversation with dh where they won't help out at night looks! Here it looked like this, dh had mens post natal depression and needed to go the GP and cbt, any lack of sleep made that worse. And in fact I think that's when I set up this user name pretty much!