Ex’s girlfriend is obsessed with my toddler who she’s never met

[machinimiacrinj]

My DD is 2 and a half. My ex is a classic cocklodger and is manipulative. He has no job and doesn’t want to get one, and also has a drug and online paid porn habit. He plays the charmer and manipulates women by telling them all about his tragic childhood and trauma, and goes on about how he’s about to be homeless. He ends up then moving in with the women almost straight away. He goes for vulnerable women, I was vulnerable when he did it with me. He’s done it to a dozen women over the years, some before and some after me. After a while he moves onto another woman.

His relationship with me resulted in our daughter (I know, I know) and whilst I adore my daughter, my ex is the absolute bane of my existence. DD is his only child. He tells his girlfriends that I’m an evil narcissistic witch who doesn’t let him see DD. DD has been determined to be developmentally delayed in certain areas and he blames this on me. He doesn’t pay maintenance, I try to arrange contact and he doesn’t turn up. Yet he’ll lie to his girlfriend’s faces.

This tends to result in me receiving abuse from the girlfriends. Public Facebook posts accusing me of using DD as a weapon etc. The most recent one who has been on the scene since December actually dragged my ex along to a free consultation with a family law solicitor. It never went any further than that, no doubt because ex can’t be arsed. I was absolutely apoplectic but managed to act calm.

Ex last saw DD for an hour at Christmas. His girlfriend has never met DD. Today I’ve seen that she’s shared a post on Facebook about accepting and understanding special needs kids and she’s said “Love my special girls (insert her own autistic DD’s name) and (insert my DD’s name)”.

I’m fucking fuming and have told her so. Ex
is meant to be seeing DD soon, as ex’s mum (who I get on with) is having her for a night and ex is supposed to be popping round with his girlfriend. There’s a 50% chance he won’t turn up anyway but WIBU to now say it isn’t happening and that I’m not having Dd meeting this woman? Even if I did, in 6 months he’ll be with a different one.

*prisons

I think you must secretly like the drama OP if you've obviously been checking out this woman's Facebook. You've played right into their hands and fit his narrative of crazy ex girlfriend if you're checking out her social media and having a go at her on it!

I get what she said is a load of old tosh and I'd be angry too but the best thing you can do here is step right away, block them, keep your social media locked down and tell your ex he can contact you via email if he wants to arrange contact.

And I'm sorry if that came across harsh, but ten years ago, I was you. I realised that, while they kept their antics up, it stopped me moving on.

And yes, his them gf would refer to my child as her child. And he would refer to her daughter as his child But the only reason I knew all of this was because I kept peeping on their Facebook.

And the bullshit they said about me was constant and got me so wound up, so I put a stop to it.
How? My clicking block and moving on with my life. I knew the truth, so that was the most important thing.

@PinkSyCo

Very weird that she’s included your DD in a post like that when she hasn’t even met her. But I also think it’s weird how much you know about her ( eg how do you know she ‘dragged’ your ex to see a family lawyer) and your exes previous relationships. Another thing that struck me as strange is you describing your DD being determined to be developmentally delayed, as if it’s somehow her fault.

Determined to be developmentally delayed ? What does that even mean? All dc develop at their own rate unless they are nd, is that the situation here and you are blaming dd ?

PinkSyCo, I’m sure OP meant that a health professional had assessed her daughter as being developmentally delayed, not that the DD herself had decided to make herself that way.

Ah yes I’ve had another look at OP’s post and I guess I read it wrongly the first time. Sorry OP.

Why on earth are your friends in FB with your ex and his girlfriends?

She doesn’t sound obsessed it sounds like she was just including your daughter. You sound obsessed with her to be seeking out her posts and getting so worked up

I would also say you are playing into the narrative by blowing up about their Facebook posts. This will reinforce her view that you are still in love with him and are obsessed.

Yes, she is weird & inappropriate, posting about a child she has never even met. But it sounds like your ex is becoming more skilled at his bullshit.

Might be worth speaking to a solicitor to ensure you have court ordered residency. Sooner or later he might meet a girlfriend that he’s so keen to impress that he starts ‘fighting for his child’. Especially if she is willing to do the actual childcare.

She sounds like a twat but if she’s booking a consultation with a family lawyer then she’s either going to be a great influence on him and turn him into a better dad or she’ll quickly find out what a lying scum bag he is when she can see you are wanting him to have contact but he’s refusing.

If you cancel the contact you are playing right into his hands as that’s what he’s saying you’re doing.

Delete her off facebook and forget she exists.

It must be so frustrating to feel like you are the only parent in DD's life yet are still vilified and made out to be the bad guy whilst he gets off scott free. Nothing you say to the ex will change her opinion of you, then again from what you say I wouldn't waste my breath saying anything. She'll figure him out soon enough on her own.

Stalking her facebook is only an act of self flagellation, don't torture yourself.

Focus on your beautiful little girl and move on with your life. Drop any efforts with him to make contact and see how long it takes. Keep an extensive record of contact instances so should this ever actually reach court you can stand up in front of a judge, your ex and whatever entourage he has at that point in time and say I tried and he didn't care.

You know the truth and DD will know the truth, nothing else matters.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Me personally, I would befriend her. When she sees you are not the monster he paints you as, she will not be so quick to jump in with drama.

OP, it sounds as if you're the one who's obsessed. I dare say there's something appealing about all this silly drama, or else you'd just stop looking at shite on Facebook. Have you ever thought about having a break from social media?

@MadinMarch

Personally, I think you risk all sorts of difficult and upsetting scenarios in letting your daughter stay at his mothers unsupervised by you. If he does visit dd there, what's to stop him and his gf taking your dd out? Maybe not returning her, or/and saying all sorts of inappropriate things to dd? You just don't know how damaging it could be for your daughter. I'd want to avoid any scenario where he has access to your dd that isn't supervised by you. I wouldn't even trust his mother not to be manipulated by him into allowing something not in your dd 's best interests. Your dd is rapidly approaching an age where she will become much more aware, and also possibly much more confused, re her father and her situation. I think you need to think about a longer term plan and how you're going to deal with contact with the ex and all it's difficulties for the next 16 years. Contact that is safe, regular and reliable. If you think he's erratic or not interested, then you may need to consider stopping the contact now with him, rather than allow her to get attached and then upset when he lets her down again and again. Keep the relationship with his mother if that is stable, but let her visit you instead of the going to her house. Most of all, always think what's best for your dd, now and in the future-his wants and whims are irrelevant really in the situation you describe.

This

It doesn’t matter what she thinks, you know and your family and friends know the truth.

I have a friend in this situation and when he posts this crap we all just laugh at him. Everyone knows the truth - and he’s just playing victim. Same with all the strings of woman he has - usually to try and make the ex jealous - but it doesn’t work!

They are lying idiots and shouldn’t be part of your thinking.

Just ignore the daft cow.

However, it gets right up my nose when other people claim MY child as theirs. Not sure if she's even met the kid, but having dated a child's father for around 4 months does not qualify her to refer to him/her as "my special" anything. Who did the eye-crossing, body-stretching, knackering birth-giving; sleepless nights, worry, hard work, wrestling with authorities, expense, and all the other stuff that goes with having children, that we accept (mostly!) gladly because WE LOVE THEM. Then in comes Ms CFGF and goes, "Oh, I love my special girl". YOUR what?!?! angry No, it doesn't matter in the scheme of things. It's just really miffing.

Do people frequently claim your children as their own?

How peculiar.

Tbh I think most parents flatter themselves thinking anyone else actually wants their precious crotch goblins. I love my own children but I don’t expect anyone else to have my tolerance for them.

You were taken in by him the same as she was, she believes his bull shit the same as you did. Eventually she will see the truth but probably after he’s made her pregnant too. Yes her behaviour is odd but I kind of feel sorry for her. Maybe stop looking at her Facebook page and block her? She can’t write what ever she likes.

If he is going to take you to court for access it may look bad on your part if you have stopped contact between your dd and him and her grandmother. Do you have proof he is still taking drugs? Does his porn use effect his ability to care for his dd? You will need to prove all of these things if he takes you to court.

@Mollymoostoo

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Me personally, I would befriend her. When she sees you are not the monster he paints you as, she will not be so quick to jump in with drama.

This exactly. I did this with a ex, he painted a picture of how awful his ex was too me. I made friends with her and it soon became clear that she was mentally unwell due to how abusive and controlling he was.

You can't control what he does with your child or who your child sees while she is with him unless it is court ordered supervised contact. So if you have genuine concerns apply for a court order yourself.

A decent man and father fights through the court to see his kids if he cannot agree on a schedule with his ex.

So your ex tells everyone you are unhinged and withholding contact and you respond by a tiny unhinged and withholding contact?
Ok

You all sound like a group of 15 year olds
It would be funny if it wasn’t for the presence of children in the scenario

Am I the only one here that is in shock everyone is more bothered she’s viewed her social accounts? Wake up we’re in 2022. In this day and age you can see all sorts of info from someone’s social media pages. She’s never met this woman before and has the information she’s going to be meeting her child for the first time (if the dad bothers to show up). Short of not allowing her child to go to his grandmother’s, giving ammo to her ex’s lies and making out like she doesn’t want him to have contact, all she’s got is to find some info on this woman! Anyone would do the same. I personally wouldn’t allow the dads girlfriend to just see my child without me never having met my child, especially if the dad can’t even be ar*ed to spend actual time with the child other than when it fits his ‘I’m a good dad My ex is just stopping contact’ agenda. She’d be a stranger to me. But she is meeting him in this situation so it isn’t crazy that she’s on her socials trying to find any info she can.

OP I would stop contact with dad. If the last time he saw his child was for an hour 3 months ago and you’ve tried, and on top of that he doesn’t even contribute financially whilst he’s in your full time care AND he’s bringing random girlfriends to meet your child when he hasn’t even bothered to see him himself, more interested in spouting lies than having a relationship with DS. How is this relationship benefitting your son? He might as well be a stranger to him just like his girlfriend is and I can’t imagine your son to feel comfortable around him like he would an actual dad. If he wants to take you to court, fab. Tell the court he can have access to your child but if he’s wanting access he will GET access, meaning not just set times weekly he can come and collect the child & build a relationship with him, but he can contribute financially to his life too. He wouldn’t have a leg to stand on and doubt he’d go through with it anyway because it would cost him money and he doesn’t even want access. It’ll show him up to his girlfriend, give you peace of mind you’ve done everything you could and your son won’t be affected in the future by a let down waste of space sperm donor

literally how did you even FIND this thread from april ffs? 🙄

Oh snap!!! @CJsGoldfish has brought some truth to light.

Also, OP if you’re who you say you are stop checking social media. I PROMISE nobody cares about your kid in anything more than a moral way based on your posts. You’re child is like any other to those who aren’t involved.

You are allowing too much access both on line and in real life.

I would be fading him out full stop. No more contact unless through legal channels and if he wants to see her he goes through the courts (and yes he is unlikely to do that) This man can not be trusted with your toddler - full stop. Not with his parents - or without.

You are playing games, literally whilst Rome burns.

Your child's safety should be the most important focus - not SM posts. He is NOT fit to be left with a small toddler. You are looking again at making a huge mistake by not paying attention. He has not interest, pays nothing and does nothing for your child - and yet you are entirely focused on a single post from one of his many girlfriends?

Would I be leaving a small toddler with a man with a porn addiction? NO
Would I be leaving a small toddler with a man who has shown over and over again he can not care for her properly? NO
Would I risk harm to my toddler by allowing a homeless, jobless drug addict near my child? NO

Please open your eyes. Wake up. No more contact! And even when it is arranged it is imperative it is at a contact centre and supervised by trained staff.