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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s girlfriend is obsessed with my toddler who she’s never met

122 replies

machinimiacrinj · 08/04/2022 23:27

My DD is 2 and a half. My ex is a classic cocklodger and is manipulative. He has no job and doesn’t want to get one, and also has a drug and online paid porn habit. He plays the charmer and manipulates women by telling them all about his tragic childhood and trauma, and goes on about how he’s about to be homeless. He ends up then moving in with the women almost straight away. He goes for vulnerable women, I was vulnerable when he did it with me. He’s done it to a dozen women over the years, some before and some after me. After a while he moves onto another woman.

His relationship with me resulted in our daughter (I know, I know) and whilst I adore my daughter, my ex is the absolute bane of my existence. DD is his only child. He tells his girlfriends that I’m an evil narcissistic witch who doesn’t let him see DD. DD has been determined to be developmentally delayed in certain areas and he blames this on me. He doesn’t pay maintenance, I try to arrange contact and he doesn’t turn up. Yet he’ll lie to his girlfriend’s faces.

This tends to result in me receiving abuse from the girlfriends. Public Facebook posts accusing me of using DD as a weapon etc. The most recent one who has been on the scene since December actually dragged my ex along to a free consultation with a family law solicitor. It never went any further than that, no doubt because ex can’t be arsed. I was absolutely apoplectic but managed to act calm.

Ex last saw DD for an hour at Christmas. His girlfriend has never met DD. Today I’ve seen that she’s shared a post on Facebook about accepting and understanding special needs kids and she’s said “Love my special girls (insert her own autistic DD’s name) and (insert my DD’s name)”.

I’m fucking fuming and have told her so. Ex
is meant to be seeing DD soon, as ex’s mum (who I get on with) is having her for a night and ex is supposed to be popping round with his girlfriend. There’s a 50% chance he won’t turn up anyway but WIBU to now say it isn’t happening and that I’m not having Dd meeting this woman? Even if I did, in 6 months he’ll be with a different one.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 09/04/2022 06:01

Obsessed?
Give your head a wobble and deal with the real issues in your life. This foolish woman is not one of them.

Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 06:10

I also don’t understand why you are even looking at her Facebook but as you are, surely the right thing to do would be to roll your eyes and ignore it. Your reaction probably supported the crazy, unhinged ex narrative. I also don’t think you can control who your daughter sees when she is with her grandmother and her father, so if this concerns you, don’t volunteer it but let him apply for access.

lightisnotwhite · 09/04/2022 06:16

You are obsessed. She’s just deluded about the situation.

I get it’s very annoying but take heart from the fact she’s having to try so hard to be “perfect” step mum and validate herself. If she was secure with him she wouldn’t be posting about your daughter or trying to sort out contact for your ex.

DaughterofDawn · 09/04/2022 06:45

The problem here isn’t the girlfriend. The problem is that you don’t seem concerned with your privacy on facebook. You let them see your posts and you read their posts. This is an open door for drama. Your ex is clearly not a smart man so of course he is going to seek out drama queens and lie and smear your name through the mud. And they will naturally eat it right up and come after you. Block then lock down your facebook tight. No more public posts! Problem solved.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/04/2022 06:46

Stepmum here. Bear in mind that you were completely taken in by him. Then he's had a dozen further women to hone his manipulation skills on. What chance does the poor girl have?

If she looked on Mumsnet for advice with the relationship, people here would be yelling at her that she's a terrible person for dating a man that doesn't see his child. She would be told to insist he instigates court proceedings or she is as disgusting a waste of space as he is (by multiple posters).

Fast forward a couple of months and your ex is sitting in a solicitors office playing a game of concerned father - all to string out his current comfortable living arrangements. The GF is just a complete innocent, trying to follow what MN users say is best practice.

So if she does see your child, I suspect she'll be far more up on current child rearing practice than MIL!

Rumplestrumpet · 09/04/2022 06:58

I agree with previous posters - you're right to be annoyed (the cheek of it!) but telling her so is just feeding the beast.

Also unless you really NEED the night child-free (which I get - single parenting is relentless), avoid letting Ex's mum have your daughter unsupervised overnight. It's giving him and his girlfriend the opportunity to feed the girlfriend's happy families fantasy as well as setting a precedent you could well live to regret.

Good luck.

LndnGrl · 09/04/2022 07:13

I'd comment on her stupid post "you've never met (dd's name) Confused"

User7312019 · 09/04/2022 07:13

But it’s only 3 years since you were enamoured enough with him to have a child with him! She’s fallen for him just as you did so I think you’re being a little judgemental.

cameocat · 09/04/2022 07:14

She has been taken in by him, as you were.

You seem obsessed with her, why are you reading her Facebook posts? This all sounds very unhealthy.

I think just focus on yourself and your DD. You sound like you're doing a great job with her.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 07:16

@LndnGrl

I'd comment on her stupid post "you've never met (dd's name) Confused"
Tempting as it is I really wouldn't. It would only show that OP had been paying any attention to her Facebook posts.
HotDogKetchup · 09/04/2022 07:16

@SpaceshiptoMars

Stepmum here. Bear in mind that you were completely taken in by him. Then he's had a dozen further women to hone his manipulation skills on. What chance does the poor girl have?

If she looked on Mumsnet for advice with the relationship, people here would be yelling at her that she's a terrible person for dating a man that doesn't see his child. She would be told to insist he instigates court proceedings or she is as disgusting a waste of space as he is (by multiple posters).

Fast forward a couple of months and your ex is sitting in a solicitors office playing a game of concerned father - all to string out his current comfortable living arrangements. The GF is just a complete innocent, trying to follow what MN users say is best practice.

So if she does see your child, I suspect she'll be far more up on current child rearing practice than MIL!

Exactly.

She thinks she’s doing everyone a massive favour getting contact back for dad.

sjxoxo · 09/04/2022 07:18

Agree with pp that maybe stopping contact with him is an idea. Or reducing it to supervised only or similar. Sorry you’re in this situation with him; what an absolute waster. Xo

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 07:20

You sound more obsessed with her than she is with your child...

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 07:21

@sjxoxo

Agree with pp that maybe stopping contact with him is an idea. Or reducing it to supervised only or similar. Sorry you’re in this situation with him; what an absolute waster. Xo
He last saw her for 1 hour 3 months ago. I'm not sure how much more you can reduce contact...
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2022 07:22

Why do you have contact on social media with all these people? Hmm

Block everyone, and block your ex. If he wants to contact you, he can email you. I wouldn't even give him your phone number to be honest - get a new phone and number and use your old one for your ex and his family only.

Yes - her posts are weird but remember, you fell for his bullshit too, so it's not entirely fair to blame her when you did exactly the same thing.

Just stop giving them all headspace.

debbrianna · 09/04/2022 07:23

Why are they not blocked on your Facebook? Why are scrolling through their pages. This itself is unhealthy. Think about it.

How do you know these ex's partners?

TootsAtOwls · 09/04/2022 07:26

Massive over reaction to even call her cheeky really. She posted something about her own daughter that also happens to apply to yours so she included your daughter in the post. If she hadn't you'd have probably complained that she shows no interest in your child!

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 07:28

@TootsAtOwls

Massive over reaction to even call her cheeky really. She posted something about her own daughter that also happens to apply to yours so she included your daughter in the post. If she hadn't you'd have probably complained that she shows no interest in your child!
That's a point. Maybe she really doesn't care about your child but he moans if she doesn't include them on facebook
pictish · 09/04/2022 07:37

I wouldn’t give the fb post any undue attention…it’s just silly and try-hard…it’s not actually harmful and doesn’t suggest an obsession. Easy to ignore. She’ll wise up and get rid just as all the others have done.

Your ex sounds a proper piece of work.

Bdhntbis · 09/04/2022 07:39

It’s weird but I would try to disengage about any new women in his life until the time he actually sees your DD regularly and a woman has any involvement in her life.
Ask people not to send you these screenshots and just block her and anyone new. Really and truly you can’t do anything about it so you need to not let it get into your head

Cr3ateAUsername · 09/04/2022 07:46

Why are you even able to access her social media? Do not subject yourself to such foolery. Block her and him off social media. You only need his contact number. Also, try to be understanding of the fact that she is also where you were and has fallen victim to him. It won’t last.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 09/04/2022 07:47

You seem obsessed about what your ex is doing tbh.

If you were over it as much as you claim you wouldn't give a shit what he was doing post you.

OatmilkandCookies · 09/04/2022 07:47

She is as much taken in by this as you are.
Where I am, a video was released by a man being physically abusive to his wife and being arrested by police. On the comments were multiple female colleagues, saying they had believed him and been taken in when he said he was trying to be a good dad and his evil ex didn't let him see his DC- these people are manipulative and know what to say and do to make themselves look the victim. Needless to say they were appalled they had ever believed him.
If you're concerned with Facebook privacy, change your settings. Make it that only friends can view your content or post on your page.

Sswhinesthebest · 09/04/2022 07:49

Can you trust his mum to act in your dds best interest, even if it’s not what her son wants?

Cr3ateAUsername · 09/04/2022 07:50

@OatmilkandCookies

She is as much taken in by this as you are. Where I am, a video was released by a man being physically abusive to his wife and being arrested by police. On the comments were multiple female colleagues, saying they had believed him and been taken in when he said he was trying to be a good dad and his evil ex didn't let him see his DC- these people are manipulative and know what to say and do to make themselves look the victim. Needless to say they were appalled they had ever believed him. If you're concerned with Facebook privacy, change your settings. Make it that only friends can view your content or post on your page.
This unfortunately happens a lot more than people like to think. I find it quite unbelievable that despite being in the new girlfriends position before and knowing just how manipulative her ex is, she fails to understand that she is now a victim.