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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex’s girlfriend is obsessed with my toddler who she’s never met

122 replies

machinimiacrinj · 08/04/2022 23:27

My DD is 2 and a half. My ex is a classic cocklodger and is manipulative. He has no job and doesn’t want to get one, and also has a drug and online paid porn habit. He plays the charmer and manipulates women by telling them all about his tragic childhood and trauma, and goes on about how he’s about to be homeless. He ends up then moving in with the women almost straight away. He goes for vulnerable women, I was vulnerable when he did it with me. He’s done it to a dozen women over the years, some before and some after me. After a while he moves onto another woman.

His relationship with me resulted in our daughter (I know, I know) and whilst I adore my daughter, my ex is the absolute bane of my existence. DD is his only child. He tells his girlfriends that I’m an evil narcissistic witch who doesn’t let him see DD. DD has been determined to be developmentally delayed in certain areas and he blames this on me. He doesn’t pay maintenance, I try to arrange contact and he doesn’t turn up. Yet he’ll lie to his girlfriend’s faces.

This tends to result in me receiving abuse from the girlfriends. Public Facebook posts accusing me of using DD as a weapon etc. The most recent one who has been on the scene since December actually dragged my ex along to a free consultation with a family law solicitor. It never went any further than that, no doubt because ex can’t be arsed. I was absolutely apoplectic but managed to act calm.

Ex last saw DD for an hour at Christmas. His girlfriend has never met DD. Today I’ve seen that she’s shared a post on Facebook about accepting and understanding special needs kids and she’s said “Love my special girls (insert her own autistic DD’s name) and (insert my DD’s name)”.

I’m fucking fuming and have told her so. Ex
is meant to be seeing DD soon, as ex’s mum (who I get on with) is having her for a night and ex is supposed to be popping round with his girlfriend. There’s a 50% chance he won’t turn up anyway but WIBU to now say it isn’t happening and that I’m not having Dd meeting this woman? Even if I did, in 6 months he’ll be with a different one.

OP posts:

HotDogKetchup · 09/04/2022 07:51

If she didn’t include your DD would you then accuse your ex and her of playing “happy families” whilst ignoring your DD’s existence?

SleeplessInEngland · 09/04/2022 07:52

YABU

mycatisannoying · 09/04/2022 07:56

Your ex is a fanny, and he's going to attract women who are fannies.
Harsh but true.
I can't imagine how annoying this must be for you, but stay strong

NurseBernard · 09/04/2022 07:56

[quote machinimiacrinj]@Mytoddlerisamazing

She fell hook line and sinker for my ex’s BS and so booked a consultation at a family solicitor to get him access. The truth is I arrange access and he doesn’t turn up.[/quote]
You fell hook, line and sinker for his BS. And clearly in a much more significant way than this girlfriend so far has.

notwhatineednow · 09/04/2022 07:57

The ex is massively overstepping boundaries to claim another women's DC, whom she's never met, as her own is a public announcement.

It shows she has both poor boundaries and poor judgement.

Personally, I would be extremely wary of her. What if they want to play happy families with the OP's DD and don't return her?

OP, does your ex have parental responsibility, officially? Is he on your DD's birth certificate?

Also, OP please ignore the posters here who are picking at you for reading her Facebook posts. There are lots of people on this board who love to find something to bash the OP over the head with, and once one starts, the rest follow, saying the same thing.

JoyLurking9to5 · 09/04/2022 07:59

I agree that he sounds like a weapons-grade tosser, love that. but I only found peace with my x when I stopped listening to people who said ''what you need to do is you need to go back to court and you need to...'

NO. Resistance = suffering as they say.

Accept that he's shit. I'd block them on face book so that you're not reminded how shit he is on a basis anymore regular than necessary.

notwhatineednow · 09/04/2022 08:00

@notwhatineednow

The ex is massively overstepping boundaries to claim another women's DC, whom she's never met, as her own is a public announcement.

It shows she has both poor boundaries and poor judgement.

Personally, I would be extremely wary of her. What if they want to play happy families with the OP's DD and don't return her?

OP, does your ex have parental responsibility, officially? Is he on your DD's birth certificate?

Sorry, I mean the ex's GF is massively overstepping boundaries

GoFishandChips · 09/04/2022 08:04

You can't control this situation but you can control your reaction and trigger to it. Stop looking at her Facebook, it's weird that you'd look at your ex's girlfriend's facebook.

IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2022 08:08

Are you angry with her because she reminds you how foolish you were to believe his bullshit?

If you stop the visit, you will be 'proving' that he is right and you are stopping contact. In her eyes.

Tbh I'd actually go the other way. Contact her to invite him to see his child. Since he never responds.
She at least has a chance to see through him before she gets pregnant.

Men like him are utter twats and she's crossing a line but she's doing it because she believes his shit and cares deeply for the man she thinks he is. Same as you did.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/04/2022 08:08

If the final result is that she decides, whatever his faults, he is the one - then what? Maybe they will see your DD once a week and she will do ALL the childcare. She already has an autistic daughter of her own, so she understands. Could be a lot worse. You'd get a break and be leaving your DD with another mother.

More likely, she will rapidly decide he's wasting her time.

Cr3ateAUsername · 09/04/2022 08:13

@mycatisannoying

Your ex is a fanny, and he's going to attract women who are fannies. Harsh but true. I can't imagine how annoying this must be for you, but stay strong

Was OP a “fanny” then as he attracted her? 🧐

Cr3ateAUsername · 09/04/2022 08:14

[quote machinimiacrinj]@Mytoddlerisamazing

She fell hook line and sinker for my ex’s BS and so booked a consultation at a family solicitor to get him access. The truth is I arrange access and he doesn’t turn up.[/quote]
You had a child with him. You fell a LOT harder than this new girl. Have some empathy.

LemonSqueezy0 · 09/04/2022 08:15

Id air it out. People like your Ex- get away with things because people don't talk. Message her and say not sure Ex got your message about seeing DD, hope she doesnt mind you contacting her etc etc and close the loop where he can claim that you are keeping her away from him.he will either put up or shut up.

Bear in mind, you fell for it all so you know he is convincing. You seem to hate her for what you did.... Also, stop looking at their social media, it's not real life.

Patchbatch · 09/04/2022 08:18

She fell hook line and sinker for my ex’s BS

So did you, perhaps the issue isn't her, it's him.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/04/2022 08:19

At last notwhatineednow has put her finger on why the OP has a right to be angry at the GF's post.

Yes, the woman is clearly another victim of a silver-tongued waste of space. Yes, keeping away from her Facebook is probably a sensible move as it will only be a source of annoyance (I believe getting off FB to be a sensible move in general, it is the work of the devil after all).

However, it gets right up my nose when other people claim MY child as theirs. Not sure if she's even met the kid, but having dated a child's father for around 4 months does not qualify her to refer to him/her as "my special" anything. Who did the eye-crossing, body-stretching, knackering birth-giving; sleepless nights, worry, hard work, wrestling with authorities, expense, and all the other stuff that goes with having children, that we accept (mostly!) gladly because WE LOVE THEM. Then in comes Ms CFGF and goes, "Oh, I love my special girl". YOUR what?!?! No, it doesn't matter in the scheme of things. It's just really miffing.

I think the ex's mum could have a helpful role to play in this, when/if they go to visit and he tries to say he is reduced to sneaking to his mother's to see his own child, she could say "don't be silly dear, she's a wonderful mum and you know she'll let you see Little X any time you can be bothered". But I suppose she wouldn't want to drop her own son in it like that. Pity.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/04/2022 08:22

Grey rock
Very private profile
Basically do everything possible to reduce your social media profile so these muppets can’t bother you ever again

Remember they are vulnerable and clearly
Not super clever
But time for a social
Media lockdown

Mellowyellow222 · 09/04/2022 08:30

The Facebook stuff is shocking. Who posts this amount of personal information on Facebook. I would be horrified. It is such a breach of your child’s privacy and yours. Why are you interacting this this lady on Facebook? Stop that now.

Calmly explain that details of your child’s custody arrangements are a letter for you and your ex and his girlfriend should not be putting details on the internet - potentially for your daughter and all her friends to read in years to come. It is all very unsavoury.

It’s okay for her to book appointments with family solicitors for him though. Ignore that silliness.

And let your daughter go to her grandmothers - just ask that if ex and his current girlfriend are there that nothing goes on the internet regarding your child. And practice what you preach. Not hiding on Facebook about your daughter. It’s so unfair.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 08:36

Very weird that she’s included your DD in a post like that when she hasn’t even met her. But I also think it’s weird how much you know about her ( eg how do you know she ‘dragged’ your ex to see a family lawyer) and your exes previous relationships. Another thing that struck me as strange is you describing your DD being determined to be developmentally delayed, as if it’s somehow her fault.

RandomMess · 09/04/2022 08:43

Block them and stop bothering to arrange contact.

Focus on the people that are interested in DD, your ex will be nothing more than a distant uncle type figure.

Discountclaimed · 09/04/2022 08:45

You have answered yoyr own question.

These are people in transient relationships, without jobs who feed on drama. They have nothing to lose by upping the drama- you do.

You said yourself she will be gone in six months- focus on loving your child, interacting with people who make you happy and stop taking up a voluntary position on the Jeremy Kyle show. Nobody looks good on there.

iheartmybeachhut · 09/04/2022 08:50

I just cannot understand why people get so hung up on fb et al dramas. Block and move on with your lives peeps it's not that difficult.

veevee04 · 09/04/2022 08:54

Just block her she's probably been fully taken in , believes you use the child as a weapon and that he's the victim. She feels better about the situation by arranging a family solicitor appointment because she feels sorry for him and thinks she's doing the right thing by trying to facilitate contact . Falling in love tends to put those rose tinted specs on, she's probably put the post on to play superstepmum and impress your ex.

There may be a chance she does stick around but try to ignore their antics and just get on with your life.

HollysBush · 09/04/2022 08:54

PinkSyCo, I’m sure OP meant that a health professional had assessed her daughter as being developmentally delayed, not that the DD herself had decided to make herself that way.

WhoKnewWho · 09/04/2022 08:54

But you are playing into the 'obsession' by reading her daily updates.

You need to get over him, get over her batshittiness and move along, or you will forever be entangled in this web of bullshit.

Your ex does not see your child. That is the main thing you need to focus on. Nothing else is of much relevance.

Please, emotionally detach from the pair of them and carry on doing what is right for your child.

Nothappyatwork · 09/04/2022 08:54

I really would just block her and ignore going forward as you know she’s not gonna be a permanent fixture so you don’t have anything really to worry about. She sounds like a dopey cunt but apparently that’s not a legal otherwise half the present in the UK and be at bursting point

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