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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is f*cked up?

200 replies

DHsdilemma · 08/04/2022 18:23

NC as my other username is for me personally.

DH has gone LC (NC really) with his mum and sister. It came to a head as he has always said he was treated differently.

Tonight we were talking and the topic came up about one time he thinks this really exemplifies being treated differently but I’ve been left thinking wtf?!

So the story:

When DH was about 13 circa 2004, he went on holiday with his older sister (1 year older), his younger brother (2 years younger), his mum and two aunts. They rented a small 3 seater hatchback to travel around Spain and bordering countries.

When they got the car it obviously couldn’t fit everyone in, so the decision was made that DH would have to get in the boot. They removed the parcel shelf so he could see out the back window but it was very much a boot. The reason was his sister was a girl and his brother was the “baby” and got car sick.

They used this car to travel hours - they went to Gibraltar and Morocco (the port) as well as around Spain in general. Whenever they hit border security they told DH to duck.

I asked DH whether he maybe was a kid who thought the boot was exciting. But apparently he vividly remembers being very angry and upset about being put in the boot (especially when they put the parcel shelf back to conceal him from security). He remembers mostly that he was so upset and disorientated from the experience that the drum souvenir he bought he dropped as he was dizzy and he was distraught about it.

Now I think this is fucked up. Mainly from a safety perspective and know my parents would have just rented a bigger car in the same scenario. He has brought it up to his mum who dismissed it as a bit of a joke and family tale.

Is this normal / funny? Or is this just terrible parenting?

YABU: it is just something that needed to be done, no one was hurt and it’s fine
YANBU: what the fuck

OP posts:
Original poster
DHsdilemma · 08/04/2022 18:24

should add that DH has previously been told on MN that he belongs on the Stately Homes thread

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 08/04/2022 18:26

It is. If they really couldn't afford it they could have rotated the kids.
Horrible

Idontevenknow · 08/04/2022 18:26

That is not normal at all, and absolutely terrible

HollowTalk · 08/04/2022 18:29

That is really really shocking. There would be absolutely no protection if they were bumped from behind. How horrible to have to make that massively long journey in such an uncomfortable and dangerous place in the car and for it to be called a holiday.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 08/04/2022 18:31

Sort of normal- shut parenting of its day.
In 2004 we were still driving around in an old clapped out nova as a family, it was the boot or the footspace of the car for one of the four of us children.

I do understand why he's upset that it happened though, especially as it feels like a decision that's so far from the norm now.

thebear1 · 08/04/2022 18:32

If it had been 1970 I would have said this was standard parenting but not in 2004!!

Comedycook · 08/04/2022 18:33

2004 isn't very long ago ...I know in the seventies and eighties kids would be put in the boots of estate cars but in a hatchback in 2004... absolutely shocking

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 08/04/2022 18:33

That's awful, like others have said they should have rented a bigger car or rotated the kids... especially on a long car journey too,

Is there other instances where he has been treated poorly compared to his siblings or is this the reason he has gone LC?

Helenahandkart · 08/04/2022 18:35

We regularly had to sit in the boot in the 70s/80s. Safety wasn’t invented til much later. This sounds pretty standard to me.

MySecretHistory · 08/04/2022 18:37

in the 1970s the entire cub football team fitted in our ancient estate

as a baby my brother went in the boot of the car- early 1970s

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 08/04/2022 18:38

I often went on journeys of up to 2 hours in the back of a van sat on a tool chest. I’m not sure why as we owned a 5 seater car as well Hmm
That side I’d say was fairly standard but the fact it was solely your partner in the back for such long periods of time, I can understand wasn’t pleasant.

MySecretHistory · 08/04/2022 18:38

In the 1970s there were not big cars or people carriers. A care had 2 front seats and then as many as you could get in the back seat. If you had more than 4 children (back seat capacity) 1 went in the boot.

miltonj · 08/04/2022 18:39

@Girlmumdogmumboymum

Sort of normal- shut parenting of its day. In 2004 we were still driving around in an old clapped out nova as a family, it was the boot or the footspace of the car for one of the four of us children.

I do understand why he's upset that it happened though, especially as it feels like a decision that's so far from the norm now.

I'd say it was pretty far from the norm in 2004 too!
VladmirsPoutine · 08/04/2022 18:45

Heaven help him! This is not even remotely normal or standard parenting.

That it's left him still feeling rage and his mother continues to dismiss his feelings about it speaks volumes.

I'm usually loathe to to say go NC or LC on Mumsnet as people will go NC because their mum once told them they couldn't get a kitkat in the supermarket but your DH has every right.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 08/04/2022 18:46

Not in 2004 I agree it wasn’t very long ago I had 2 dc by then . I grew up in 80s/90s and yes kids were put in the boot but only for short journeys maybe up the coast on a day out not travelling round Spain , sounds bonkers to me . No wonder he’s gone Nc .

Riapia · 08/04/2022 18:46

Morocco you say.
Of course it was a joke.
A family joke for the gullible.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 08/04/2022 18:46

@Girlmumdogmumboymum

Sort of normal- shut parenting of its day. In 2004 we were still driving around in an old clapped out nova as a family, it was the boot or the footspace of the car for one of the four of us children.

I do understand why he's upset that it happened though, especially as it feels like a decision that's so far from the norm now.

Absolutely not normal for the time. My dc were born mid 90's to early 00's and I never encountered that. Now back in the 70's when I was a child, it was a different story.
DragonOverTheMoon · 08/04/2022 18:47

I don't think this is an issue as such with favouritism. It's a tale of its time and I can understand why his dsis or the younger brother with car sickness weren't put in the boot too.

I think that with other things that have happened this incident is made out to be a bit more than what it was.

Theredwoman555 · 08/04/2022 18:48

Just read this and it has made me feel better and that I’m not being a drama Queen. Same thing happened to me, it was my aunt who put me in the boot with her Yorkshire terrier that bit me while everyone else sat in the car because I was a tiny thing. My mum laughed it off when I said how distressing I found it. Begging for them not to put the parcel shelf or lid as I called it so I wouldn’t be seen by police. Had a phobia of small spaces ever since and panic.

It’s fucked up and I hate that his feelings have not been heard and minimised.

WonderfulYou · 08/04/2022 18:51

I don’t think it is bad at all.
I remember sitting in the boot, footwell, even sat out on the sun roof.

However it sounds more like your DH is the middle child and felt that it was always him being the one who had to ‘suffer’ even if they were minor things.

user1471457751 · 08/04/2022 18:56

@DragonOverTheMoon you do realise the OP is talking about 2004, not 1974? It became law in the UK to wear seat belts in 1983, 20 years before this happened. So no, it's not a 'tale of its time' it shit neglectful parenting that could have seen a teenager die

cherrysthename · 08/04/2022 19:00

Fucking hell that's so far from normal. 2004! Not long ago at all.

Rumplestrumpet · 08/04/2022 19:03

Anyone normalising this hasn't understood the gravity - yes, in the 70s/80s parents were often carefree about car safety. We had an estate and would regularly put a beanbag and several kids in the large boot. But it was comfy and fun and not distressing. By the 2000s this was not normal.

And to put a 13yr old in a hatchback boot for hours at a time - even closing them in with the lid on! - is appalling. Unsafe and humiliating.

Movetothebeat · 08/04/2022 19:09

This is 2004, not 1974/1984! Absolutely shocking parenting to shove your child in the boot and from a safety perspective bloody disgusting.

IamnotSethRogan · 08/04/2022 19:12

Well I've nothing to add other than I was in the footwell /boot and didn't feel like it was particularly fucked up. This would have been through the 90's though when everyone was much more lax generally regarding car safety

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