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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is f*cked up?

200 replies

DHsdilemma · 08/04/2022 18:23

NC as my other username is for me personally.

DH has gone LC (NC really) with his mum and sister. It came to a head as he has always said he was treated differently.

Tonight we were talking and the topic came up about one time he thinks this really exemplifies being treated differently but I’ve been left thinking wtf?!

So the story:

When DH was about 13 circa 2004, he went on holiday with his older sister (1 year older), his younger brother (2 years younger), his mum and two aunts. They rented a small 3 seater hatchback to travel around Spain and bordering countries.

When they got the car it obviously couldn’t fit everyone in, so the decision was made that DH would have to get in the boot. They removed the parcel shelf so he could see out the back window but it was very much a boot. The reason was his sister was a girl and his brother was the “baby” and got car sick.

They used this car to travel hours - they went to Gibraltar and Morocco (the port) as well as around Spain in general. Whenever they hit border security they told DH to duck.

I asked DH whether he maybe was a kid who thought the boot was exciting. But apparently he vividly remembers being very angry and upset about being put in the boot (especially when they put the parcel shelf back to conceal him from security). He remembers mostly that he was so upset and disorientated from the experience that the drum souvenir he bought he dropped as he was dizzy and he was distraught about it.

Now I think this is fucked up. Mainly from a safety perspective and know my parents would have just rented a bigger car in the same scenario. He has brought it up to his mum who dismissed it as a bit of a joke and family tale.

Is this normal / funny? Or is this just terrible parenting?

YABU: it is just something that needed to be done, no one was hurt and it’s fine
YANBU: what the fuck

OP posts:
HomeprideSaucy · 08/04/2022 23:35

In the1980s my siblings and used to ride in the boot of our estate car from choice. We loved it. when we were very small our parents would tucked us up to bed in there, ahead of a long evening journey. Completely normal.
But by the time I had my own kids in the early 2000s we were given a big talking to about car safety and proper use of child seats as part of our antenatal classes.

BoredZelda · 08/04/2022 23:35

We did it up to the late 80s. Stopped when a relative had an accident and saw how far her shopping was flung from the boot of the car. This was before it was illegal not to have seatbelts in the back.

As the youngest, it was usually me who ended up in the boot.

HoppingPavlova · 08/04/2022 23:38

Same. And the smallest on mums knee in the front.

Nah, the smallest went in a footwell unless they were an actual baby.

I clearly remember outings when I was a child. Sometimes we would go out with neighbours, no need to take a car each! We would always pile into neighbour Bob’s car (why Bob’s all time, no idea). Bob driving, one set of neighbours in front, as all cars had bench seats in front back then and the other set in the back along with Bob’s wife. Then add 8 kids into the car - 1 on woman’s lap in front, 1 at her feet in footwell, 2 in back on the womens laps and 1 in each footwell, and 2 in the boot. The boot was prized by us kids as much roomier than inside the carGrin. Note, the men never had kids on their laps. Also, to further blow minds, there was one seatbelt in the car and that was for the driver.

Our trips back home were always extra exciting as by that time Bob was drunk from wherever we had been, as were most of the adults in the car. We all thought it hilarious when Bob would put his foot down and speed, take sharp corners and drive fast and dangerously on windy roads. It was like being at a fun park. Of course, as children we didn’t understand it was dangerous. No such thing as drink driving back then, there was no test and unless you were stopped and couldn’t stand up it was okay. Even if you couldn’t I think they just drove you home, there was no consequence apart from being inconvenienced having to get someone to drive you back to your car the next day.

Our childhood was great, such a blast - for the vast majority of us who made it throughGrin.

FortunesFave · 09/04/2022 00:01

My brother travelled like that all the way to Cornwall in the late 70s. It was thought of as funny back then.

MidgeYoure · 09/04/2022 00:06

Oh goodness me, this brings back memories!!
In the 70s (pre-seatbelts) us girls used to sit on the boys laps in cars, we got 8 people in an old-style Mini once, and a couple more folk on a long trip to Blackpool in an old Ford Escort…. Looking back I’m surprised there wasn’t more deaths on the road!!
My brother once collected a load of us from a disco in an old MGB GT - a tiny sports car with a sloping rear window… the smallest lad lay across the parcel shelf in the back window😱
My blood runs cold now thinking of the potential for disaster!

Nat6999 · 09/04/2022 00:16

I can remember going on holiday with my parents in 1981 in a hired motorhome, my brother & I wandered around in the motor home bit while my dad was driving, there were no seatbelts & travelling through the Tyne Tunnel we both sat on the engine box between the driver's & passenger seats. All totally legal at the time.

GumbalinaToothington · 09/04/2022 00:17

Yep fairly normal for the time. I'm one of 4, and in the 1980s and early 90s would regularly drive to France or southern England from the north on holiday. One of us always sat in the boot, often my littlest brother as he was the smallest, but we'd take turns on longer journeys. I think that was fairly standard for the time, there was very little car safety then.

HollaHolla · 09/04/2022 00:20

Early 80s…. 11 Brownies in my Dad’s Ford Cortina estate car. It was a proper treat to go in the boot, and wave at other cars.
However, thinking back, it was SO unsafe, and I shudder at the thought - especially given my dad always fitted car seats/harnesses/seatbelts in the back of our cars. (I remember the day wearing a seatbelt to drive became law - but I am so very old.)
That situation sounds mad. I remember my folks goring a minibus in Spain one year, as there was my parents, us three kids, my grandad and uncle. It was the days before people carriers, and I think no-one else felt confident enough to drive a LHD car abroad, so my dad did all of the ferrying around.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2022 00:21

@GumbalinaToothington

Yep fairly normal for the time. I'm one of 4, and in the 1980s and early 90s would regularly drive to France or southern England from the north on holiday. One of us always sat in the boot, often my littlest brother as he was the smallest, but we'd take turns on longer journeys. I think that was fairly standard for the time, there was very little car safety then.
But this was in 2004, not the 1980's.
NeedAHoliday2021 · 09/04/2022 00:28

This would have been totally normal in the 1980s but 2004? It’s unusual but I can imagine his family’s recollection is different to his own. Dh was oldest son and went in the boot a couple of times as a dc and he recalls it with much hilarity and “I can’t believe my parents did that” comments.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 09/04/2022 00:29

Actually it would have been mid 1990s so not actually as far off 2004 as I realised.

EliyanahM · 09/04/2022 00:41

@Bonheurdupasse

It is. If they really couldn't afford it they could have rotated the kids. Horrible
This
MarbleQueen · 09/04/2022 00:43

In the late nineties my friend had a transit van. Her kids sat on deckchairs in the back and would slide around as they went round corners.

I was regularly transported places in the boot.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/04/2022 01:02

In the late 90s, we sat in the boot and sliding around in the back of vans. It was fun to us. And yy that happened on long holiday trips too.
The posters who're appalled obviously had families rich enough to buy bigger cars and families small enough to fit everyone in said car. We had a big family and not much money.
The poster confused about the border crossing into Gibraltar- it sounds as though they hid him because he shouldn't have been in the boot and couldn't fit in the seats. It wasn't a passport issue.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/04/2022 01:20

All I would say is that if your husband feels unsupported, humiliated and unfairly treated by his parents then that's all that matters. There is no need to seek opinions from randoms on the internet.

Respect his feelings and encourage him to do whatever it is he needs to recover from this.

Geppili · 09/04/2022 01:30

Fucking fucked up.

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2022 01:41

It was horrifying when parents did it back when I was a kid in the 70s.

It was nice being able to take a road trip with the back seat down and our sleeping bags in the back though. Much more comfy.

Horrifying to do it in 2004

Notimeforaname · 09/04/2022 02:28

I know someone who makes their own parents crawl through the boot of their car, rather than take the baby seats out. Fortunately they dont make them stay in the boot.

1forAll74 · 09/04/2022 03:11

Its a bit of a laugh for me to read this.. I remember a few likewise scenarios to this, when i was young, and went travelling with family. kind of all bodged up in a small car, and someone in the boot area. It was quite uncomfortable, but we all just generally laughed about our situation then.

Fraaahnces · 09/04/2022 03:20

This is absolutely typical of the pattern of “Golden Child vs Scapegoat Parenting”. His recollection and feelings have been totally minimised and turned into a joke in an attempt to humiliate him, when in fact, the other kids were clearly more valuable. Their safety and comfort were more important as well as their feelings at the time, otherwise this would never have happened - or at least they would have been shuffled around and the boot would have been shared. (Shouldn’t have happened at all.) I realise that this is simply one example of bullshit parenting he experienced. I think keeping your kid/s away from this woman is a great idea. They will undoubtedly never live up to the kids belonging to the other two siblings anyway.

IamTheEvilPea · 09/04/2022 03:28

I read your first comment OP and maybe 15 more but then found it too upsetting.

"Everyone did this then" is not an acceptable response. As we've also experienced with attitudes to childhood sexual abise, ignoring child mental health issues, denying the existence of SEN during that period, also. None of it is ok. Your poor brother. Thanks

I am not sure what else to say but of course he feels neglected and that he wasn't treated properly, those are facts not opinions.

Calandor · 09/04/2022 03:30

Bless him. He's entitled to feel hurt. But as the middle of 5 I was often made to get in the boot 😂 As lately as 2020 I've been in the boot (I'm 26) as with 3 brothers they're all bigger and the younger ones get annoyed about it and my sister is eldest. I've always enjoyed it as I could read my book but he's clearly upset like my brothers were. Men have a weird sense of pride and not being 'shamed' or something.

Calandor · 09/04/2022 03:31

Although according to this thread this is horrible... shit. Maybe I need to look at this again? I've never thought about it tbh. I liked the boot

Original poster
DHsdilemma · 09/04/2022 07:16

Thanks for your comments and for validating DH’s feelings.

I know the story has come up a lot when DH has tried to give examples of the issues in the family. DH is currently deciding whether to get back in touch with him mum and dad. I think he feels a bit lonely / missing that side but then also remembers they haven’t accepted what they did to him.

I suppose the boot story is a slight red herring as there’s a lot more to this. But in my opinion it is one of the stories as a child that really shows to me how deep it all goes.

He has always been very tall too, taller than his other brother and his sister is very small. That’s what I don’t understand. They put the tallest child in the boot. DH never wanted to be in the boot because it was seen as a punishment.

He has one aunt who is wonderful, very motherly (the other and his mum are alike and not very motherly) and it does surprise me but the two aunts have said that they had an argument with the mum about his treatment - they never went into further detail though as they don’t want to cause more family fall out. The aunts all fell out 10 years ago and now are only just on talking terms

OP posts:
UnbeatenMum · 09/04/2022 07:34

My Mum was still quite lax about car safety by the end of the 90s. I definitely remember a UK holiday with little kids on big kids' laps around the year 2000. That's not to say your DH's treatment was OK though. It wasn't common in 2004 and there would have been other ways of doing it if his feelings were considered important (rotating who went in the boot, squeezing across the back, fewer day trips, hiring two cars or a bigger car, making it more comfortable with cushions, etc etc). He knows he wasn't treated the same, no one should invalidate that.