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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is f*cked up?

200 replies

DHsdilemma · 08/04/2022 18:23

NC as my other username is for me personally.

DH has gone LC (NC really) with his mum and sister. It came to a head as he has always said he was treated differently.

Tonight we were talking and the topic came up about one time he thinks this really exemplifies being treated differently but I’ve been left thinking wtf?!

So the story:

When DH was about 13 circa 2004, he went on holiday with his older sister (1 year older), his younger brother (2 years younger), his mum and two aunts. They rented a small 3 seater hatchback to travel around Spain and bordering countries.

When they got the car it obviously couldn’t fit everyone in, so the decision was made that DH would have to get in the boot. They removed the parcel shelf so he could see out the back window but it was very much a boot. The reason was his sister was a girl and his brother was the “baby” and got car sick.

They used this car to travel hours - they went to Gibraltar and Morocco (the port) as well as around Spain in general. Whenever they hit border security they told DH to duck.

I asked DH whether he maybe was a kid who thought the boot was exciting. But apparently he vividly remembers being very angry and upset about being put in the boot (especially when they put the parcel shelf back to conceal him from security). He remembers mostly that he was so upset and disorientated from the experience that the drum souvenir he bought he dropped as he was dizzy and he was distraught about it.

Now I think this is fucked up. Mainly from a safety perspective and know my parents would have just rented a bigger car in the same scenario. He has brought it up to his mum who dismissed it as a bit of a joke and family tale.

Is this normal / funny? Or is this just terrible parenting?

YABU: it is just something that needed to be done, no one was hurt and it’s fine
YANBU: what the fuck

OP posts:
Octomore · 08/04/2022 22:35

If his family all talk about it, then he was obviously in the boot for day trips. But I think some details must have been embellished/enhanced over the years through repetition, because the border security thing makes no sense.

Even if they'd had to drive past security to park for the ferry, security would have wanted to see the passport and ticket holder for the sixth ferry ticket as well as the others. I spend lots of trips driving around Europe (crossing many borders) in that era, and as a pp says, it wasn't some lawless desert.

The more important thing is that his family openly acknowledged that his sister is the golden child - that is the really major issue here.

Another issue is the fact that you have felt the need to tell him you want him to treat future children equally regardless of their sex/hobbies. That speaks volumes, and you were right to do it - you don't want him to repeat the patterns of his upbringing.

5128gap · 08/04/2022 22:42

@Helenahandkart

We regularly had to sit in the boot in the 70s/80s. Safety wasn’t invented til much later. This sounds pretty standard to me.
Same. And the smallest on mums knee in the front.
Porcupineintherough · 08/04/2022 22:48

@thebear1

If it had been 1970 I would have said this was standard parenting but not in 2004!!
^^This!
CheshireCats · 08/04/2022 22:50

Not normal in 2004. In the 1970's yes, but absolutely not in 2004.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/04/2022 22:51

By 1991/2 when your DH was born (God, that makes me feel SOOOO old), it was absolutely unacceptable to stack kids in crumple zones and without car seats/booster cushions and seat belts.

None of his siblings would have even been able to be discharged from hospital after birth without the midwives seeing a new car seat.

Didn't mean some idiots wouldn't do it. But by 2004? Even the thickest shites I knew were making sure their kids were appropriately belted in because the parents were of the age when they realised just how dangerous it was in the 70s and 80s to have more people than seat belts.

Your DH knew they were endangering him. His distress at the time was dismissed and has been mocked ever since - they knew it was wrong, illegal and horrendously dangerous, but still chose to endanger all of them, him more than the others.

I'd say definitely support him in his views. They did treat him worse to the extent of knowingly risking his life more than the others.

EggBurger · 08/04/2022 22:51

We regularly had to sit in the boot in the 70s/80s. Safety wasn’t invented til much later. This sounds pretty standard to me

Yes, to me to. Obvs in retrospect it's shockingly unsafe.
Still, pretty commonplace in the 80s

TooManyPJs · 08/04/2022 22:58

It was very normal for the time for a child to travel in the boot. It used to happen all the time. Remember there were no seat belts in many cars either. My mum used to put her arm across me if she braked sharply.

However there was obviously more going on here than that for him to feel like he does. I liked going in the boot. It was exciting. But it wasn't done as a way to make me feel different, lesser or excluded. It obviously made your DH feel like that but probably because this was part of a series of incidents where he was treated as lesser, different or excluded.

spotcheck · 08/04/2022 22:58

@thebear1

If it had been 1970 I would have said this was standard parenting but not in 2004!!
Agree Not normal for 2004
TooManyPJs · 08/04/2022 22:59

Oh bugger sorry just read that this was in 2004!!! So not normal at all then!

Suzi888 · 08/04/2022 23:01

@thebear1

If it had been 1970 I would have said this was standard parenting but not in 2004!!
Yeah it was very standard parenting back then… sorry to blow everyone’s mind!
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 08/04/2022 23:02

Yep it's f#cked up. It doesn't matter when it was, or if in the 1980's it was normal but in the 2000's it wasn't. He was a child crammed into a boot on his own, I'm guessing red hot, feeling sick and none of the other adults around him gave a shit. That's abusive, pure and simple. Same for the poor PP who got bitten by her aunts dog whilst begging for the parcel shelf not to be put back on. It's a special kind of wicked to enjoy your holiday knowing thats going on it Makes me feel sick actually, the poor poor man.

Ellie56 · 08/04/2022 23:02

A 13 year old cooped up in the boot of a car for hours on end is absolutely shit parenting. Your poor DH.

TwiggletLover · 08/04/2022 23:03

Very normal to have one or two kids travelling in the boot when I was growing up in the 80's/90's

Superhanz · 08/04/2022 23:04

@thebear1

If it had been 1970 I would have said this was standard parenting but not in 2004!!
This, though even back then the kids would be rotated.
Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 23:07

2004, really?!

mycatisannoying · 08/04/2022 23:10

Normal for its day.

worriedatthistime · 08/04/2022 23:11

In the 70's /80's i would if said more normal but not 2004?

PickAChew · 08/04/2022 23:13

@aSofaNearYou

Hmm tbh I do think this was quite normal at the time. I certainly went in the boot a fair few times, but I'd have thought twice about it in a hot country like this.
It was 2004. It was illegal, at the time. In this country, at least.
Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 23:15

@mycatisannoying

Normal for its day.
What makes you say that?
HoppingPavlova · 08/04/2022 23:16

Completely normal for 60’s/70’s, we all used to be crammed into any weird available space in cars - a car but not at all for the 2000’s.

airforsharon · 08/04/2022 23:26

@HoppingPavlova

Completely normal for 60’s/70’s, we all used to be crammed into any weird available space in cars - a car but not at all for the 2000’s.
In the mid/late 70s my mum went out for a while with an antiques dealer, who had a small white van. On trips they'd sit up front & i was in the back of the van, no seats or windows just the floor space. He did kindly give me a large cushion to sit on & I found it great fun sliding about as we went round corners. The adult me, now a mum of 3, now thinks 'wtf?!' But in the 70s no hoots were given about in-car safety - iirc even when seat belts became the norm in the front seats, the back remained selt belt-less because it was thought the 'safe' area to sit in. I'm shocked parents were still doing this in 2004 though, tbh
DigitalGhost · 08/04/2022 23:27

Me and my brothers used to fight over who sat in the boot of our grandparents car in the 90s! Never thought it was wrong at the time but none of us ever mentioned it to our parents so we must have known it was wrong.
Definitely didn't put the parcel shelf over us though. Bit much

Ohhhhladz · 08/04/2022 23:28

Whenever they hit border security they told DH to duck.

... he vividly remembers being very angry and upset about being put in the boot (especially when they put the parcel shelf back to conceal him from security).

This is the WTF part from me - why could he not cross the border when the rest of the family did, if they were all UK citizens? He's a person, not cargo, so if it were a legal issue at all it would be an immigration issue not a customs issue. You've said they went to Morocco, but stopped within Spain to take the ferry, so not crossed the sea border by car. Gibraltar wouldn't have cared about a UK citizen entering (although they would about goods entering). Portugal? Andorra? It doesn't make sense, honestly. I'd have some questions too if I were him.

Thatswhyimacat · 08/04/2022 23:32

Hmm, I'd have said this was a bit weird in 2004 but certainly not unheard of. I've done a boot journey in my childhood at least once. Not that it's not really awful!

Our journeys were more often 'six people in the back sitting on knees and ducking if you see the police'.

SunscreenCentral · 08/04/2022 23:33

2004???? No. No way.