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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

86 replies

Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 17:02

Hi
I am a long time lurker, but first time poster.
I need to know if I'm being unsupportive and unreasonable. Like my partner keeps telling me I am.
I'm an overly sensitive with the relationship at the moment as there are other issues (namely DV recent and past, but thats for another thread). But this one issue is really playing on my mind.

So I have been with DP for over 4 years we have a DD together and I have a DS from a previous relationship. He also has children from previous relationships.
Me and my DS moved in with him a few years ago, but his flat is small (1 bed). However we have made it work.
Turning the living room into a room for my son.

Now, one of my DPs sons is having to stay with us much more regularly now most weekends and holidays (this easter holiday).

The question is in regrds to sleeping arrangements.
Normal set up when DSS is not here, is
Me, DD and DP share the bed.
My DP is wanting and has before wanted (which has caused arguments) DSS to share bed with us.
In the past my DS will sleep on the sofa or stay with friends and let DSS sleep in his bed.

Basically, since DSS has been staying this last visit DP has said he can sleep in our bed. DP works nights.
And when he comes in I either wake up and start my day or go and sleep on the sofa.
DP has said that me leaving the between he comes in from work, shows I am being unsupportive and cold for not staying in the bed.
However, I am uncomfortable sharing a bed with everyone.

Am I being unreasonable with partner and yes, for the sake of the family and making DSS feel supported for and included I should just share the bed.

Or I am being reasonable in sleeping on the sofa (and leave DP and kids to have the bed) or should we have the arrangement that my DS sleeps on the sofa and DSS can have my DS's bed.

Sorry, I appreciate there may be more questions from my post. But I am trying ever so hard to be vague. Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
marjayy · 08/04/2022 17:17

4 people in 1 bed?!

Chamomileteaplease · 08/04/2022 17:31

How old is the DSS?

Move out with your son and give him a calm and loving environment in which to grow up.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/04/2022 17:33

Sorry forgot you have a dd too. It just all sounds messy.

EmergencyPoncho · 08/04/2022 17:33

@Chamomileteaplease

How old is the DSS?

Move out with your son and give him a calm and loving environment in which to grow up.

Yes!
Blossomtoes · 08/04/2022 17:34

That flat’s overcrowded. You need to move.

RaRathebravemouse · 08/04/2022 17:36

How many children in a 1 bed place? And how many people in one bed? How old is DSS?

It makes more sense for DSS to sleep in the living room with DS but depends on their ages.

Also why is his son "having" to stay with you.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/04/2022 17:38

We need ages op.
Are you making plans to leave this violent man?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 08/04/2022 17:41

Why would your DP want his child sleeping in a bed with an adult woman who is not his mother.
I would hate to have a child in the same bed as me

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2022 17:42

Tbh OP I think that given you clearly have other issues this is just another stick to beat you with - you will never make a violent man happy- and in the meantime he is demonstrating this acceptable relationship to all the kids.

I'm assuming the dss is over 1yr old given you have a dd... so noni don't think he should be sleeping in your bed at all!

Unanananana · 08/04/2022 17:44

Four of you in one bed? How old are the kids?

Children sleeping in a bed with someone who is not their parent is just not right.

He was violent to you? Why would you allow your DC near him?

caringcarer · 08/04/2022 17:46

You are both being unreasonable as flat far too overcrowded. If he owns flat let it out and you two tent flat with at least 2 bedrooms. If he rents it just find a bigger flat. It does not sound like it works at all.

DappledShade · 08/04/2022 17:46

I'd put 3 beds ( bunks?) in the bedroom and get a sofa bed for the living room. None of this sounds good for the children though.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/04/2022 17:52

How old are all the children?
The two resident children need a proper bed each, plus a pack away bed for DSS... trundle bed or sofa bed for example.

I'm presuming its not just as easy as saying move to a bigger home.

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 17:52

So, there are either two or three children and two adults, one of which is violent, in a one-bedroom flat?

Christ alive. How old are all the kids? Even if they're all still little, how the hell is it remotely sustainable to have your daughter sharing a bed with you and your partner and your son sleeping in the living room? So you have no family living space? Where do you all eat?

And no, you should not be sharing a bed every night with two children, one of which isn't yours. Clearly.

Take your DD and your DS out of this chaotic, dysfunctional set-up immediately. Your DS is not only living in an environment where his stepfather hits his mother, but also has to sleep on a sofa or at other people's houses when his stepbrother needs to stay over? Where's his stability and security?

Seriously, OP, you, your children (and indeed your partner's child) all deserve a lot better than this. Please, please speak to Refuge or Women's Aid and ask for advice. You would absolutely be better off spending a short spell with your kids in a women's refuge before getting housed than you would in your current set-up.

mrsm43s · 08/04/2022 18:15

Obviously you're overcrowded. But the best way would surely be for all the children to have the bedroom, and for you and DP to have a sofabed in the sitting room.

chiangmai · 08/04/2022 18:20

so your a victim of DV and yet still move your DS into a tiny flat with a new man with his own DC. You now have DC together. It sounds like a nightmare. I feel sorry for your older DS. I dont have any advice as I dont know what you can do apart from getting a bigger place to live

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 18:41

@Unanananana

Four of you in one bed? How old are the kids?

Children sleeping in a bed with someone who is not their parent is just not right.

He was violent to you? Why would you allow your DC near him?

This.

OP you have worse problems to deal with and it's not sleeping arrangements. This man was violent to you, why would you want him near your DCs???? And I definitely wouldn't want my violent partner sleeping with my DC, especially those that are not his. Please put more thoughts and efforts on how to get away from this man.

Original poster
Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 20:08

Hi
Thank you for your responses so far.
Yes I am on the councils housing register to move with my DS and DD.
The DSS is 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 20:11

I'm currently working with housing and social services to leave the situation.
The abuse starting after DD was born.
DD is 3, my DS is 17.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 20:14

Sorry I don't know how to tag responses.

The relationship started going bad after we moved in. Up until then everything was fine.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 08/04/2022 20:17

I hope you and your dc get moved soon and live a happy life

Original poster
Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 20:35

I would have to start a separate thread on the relationship to give more detail.
But basically I have low self esteem which is made worst by my situation.
I have had problems with depression and anxiety previously which he knows of.

The plan was we move into his. He would go to the council and update his records and we move to a bigger place.
Or as we both work. Save and buy a property.
However, things haven't transpired as this.

The DSS is spending more time with us due his mother being unwell and to help the DSS family DP has upped the number of weekends and holidays stays.

So before the every other weekend was fine. Even though I have always had a problem with this sleeping arrangement. But I am always made to feel as if I'm the one with the issue. But now it has changed to me not being supportive as DSS needs comfort.

My DD was in cot until she out grew it so now sleeps in our bed.
I went out and bought her a bed mattress and everything it is still in the box as he has not put it up.

I know now I'm working on trying to get re-housed via the councils housing and I'm in touch with refuge and have a caseworker who is referring me for counselling and debt advice.

Fingers crossed I leave soon as DS and DC need space to grow and flourish.

OP posts:
MinesATriple · 08/04/2022 20:40

DSS10 and DS both need their own beds, even if DSS's is a temporary one on the floor.

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 20:46

Well that's good to know. I hope it all works out for you.

Benmac · 08/04/2022 20:52

Get out. If that is impossible ATM then blow up or camp beds. DD in room with you and partner. Both boys in living room.

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