Page 2 | Sleeping arrangements

Arewethebadguys · 08/04/2022 21:13

It sounds like you're doing so much to improve your situation. It's difficult with the issues you've outlined. I wish you all the best and hopefully you'll get your own place soon

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 08/04/2022 21:27

Bunk beds for the boys.

LndnGrl · 08/04/2022 21:56

@Isitme4

Hi I am a long time lurker, but first time poster. I need to know if I'm being unsupportive and unreasonable. Like my partner keeps telling me I am. I'm an overly sensitive with the relationship at the moment as there are other issues (namely DV recent and past, but thats for another thread). But this one issue is really playing on my mind.

So I have been with DP for over 4 years we have a DD together and I have a DS from a previous relationship. He also has children from previous relationships.
Me and my DS moved in with him a few years ago, but his flat is small (1 bed). However we have made it work.
Turning the living room into a room for my son.

Now, one of my DPs sons is having to stay with us much more regularly now most weekends and holidays (this easter holiday).

The question is in regrds to sleeping arrangements.
Normal set up when DSS is not here, is
Me, DD and DP share the bed.
My DP is wanting and has before wanted (which has caused arguments) DSS to share bed with us.
In the past my DS will sleep on the sofa or stay with friends and let DSS sleep in his bed.

Basically, since DSS has been staying this last visit DP has said he can sleep in our bed. DP works nights.
And when he comes in I either wake up and start my day or go and sleep on the sofa.
DP has said that me leaving the between he comes in from work, shows I am being unsupportive and cold for not staying in the bed.
However, I am uncomfortable sharing a bed with everyone.

Am I being unreasonable with partner and yes, for the sake of the family and making DSS feel supported for and included I should just share the bed.

Or I am being reasonable in sleeping on the sofa (and leave DP and kids to have the bed) or should we have the arrangement that my DS sleeps on the sofa and DSS can have my DS's bed.

Sorry, I appreciate there may be more questions from my post. But I am trying ever so hard to be vague. Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

Why cant the ss sleep on the sofa?

lisaandalan · 08/04/2022 22:49

Move out with your son get him his own room and a nice calm happy home to live in. X

liveforsummer · 09/04/2022 09:17

It's completely inappropriate for a 10 year old to be sharing a bed with an adult who is not a parent, esp where the parent isn't even present. Does he actually want to sleep on the bed with you and dd? The most sensible thing here is to provide a bed for him in ds's room. Well actually the most sensible thing by far is to get out ASAP. Get a space in a refuge or present to the council as homeless. This is a violent man and this will be damaging to all your dc. As a pp said whatever you do you won't make him happy.

If you really can't leave immediately then perhaps build DD's bed yourself. Do what's best for you and the dc and ignore his moaning because it will happen regardless of what you do. If you comply he'll only find something else.

Hope you get out of there soon OP

knittingaddict · 09/04/2022 09:26

No, I don't think the domestic violence is for another thread. Do not keep a child in a relationship with an abusive man. Full stop. The sleeping arrangements are an irrelevance.

knittingaddict · 09/04/2022 09:27

I'm assuming some of the people responding here missed the bit about domestic violence.

CheshireChat · 09/04/2022 11:30

Move out as soon as the council finds you something/ you get a refuge place and take the bed you bought with you and build it yourself.

Original poster

Isitme4 · 09/04/2022 11:30

Thank you for the responses.
As mentioned I am working with the council (housing) and SS's to get out. The last incident was the one that broke the camels back.

Fingers crossed temp accommodation comes up soon.

I agree with not sharing a bed it's not right. But anytime I say something he says I'm wrong or being horrible and not wanting to be a family.
In addition, I'm always being told I am making him choose between DSS and me. I'm like no, it's not right and we can make room elsewhere.
He has openly admitted that DSS is his favourite child. Not that he needs to say it.

OP posts:

rogueone · 09/04/2022 11:33

knittingaddict i hadnt realised the DV was in this relationship. What a dreadful situation for your DS who you brought with you into this relationship never mind the rest of the DC.

You need to work out why your bar is set so low and perhaps take some time to research the long term impacts on DC who are brought up in this environment.

rogueone · 09/04/2022 11:34

knittingaddict the rest of my post above after the first sentence was meant for OP. Sorry it looks like I am directing it at you...

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 11:39

@Chamomileteaplease

How old is the DSS?

Move out with your son and give him a calm and loving environment in which to grow up.

This.

The kids must feel like luggage.

LadyMaid · 09/04/2022 11:39

Contact your local social housing group and tell them in great detail about the abuse and the sleeping arrangements.

Register with them and they should be able to put you on a waiting list for a property.

In the meantime is there any family that could take you in?

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 11:40

@Isitme4

Thank you for the responses. As mentioned I am working with the council (housing) and SS's to get out. The last incident was the one that broke the camels back.

Fingers crossed temp accommodation comes up soon.

I agree with not sharing a bed it's not right. But anytime I say something he says I'm wrong or being horrible and not wanting to be a family.
In addition, I'm always being told I am making him choose between DSS and me. I'm like no, it's not right and we can make room elsewhere.
He has openly admitted that DSS is his favourite child. Not that he needs to say it.

Who gives a shit what he says??

Original poster

Isitme4 · 09/04/2022 12:56

Unfortunately no family can take us. And parents attitude is you made your bed lie in it (think this is a cultural thing).
Last year after an argument I went my sisters but her place is even smaller than were we are now. I stayed with the kids for a week. But long term it wouldnt have been ideal. Tried to get help from her council and my councils homeless department. But couldn't get anywhere. So I went back.

I have become so dependent on him. And obviously he knows this, so uses it to manipulate me in to staying.

I feel so terrible for bringing my DS into this situation as he never experienced anything like this with his own father.

But everything (the relationship) started off so well. I even said to DP that it would be good if we could go back to how things were in the beginning. But I know it never will. A line has been crossed and you can't go back.

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 09/04/2022 13:29

The council have a duty to house you. If there is no temp accommodation then this might be in the form of hotel or b&b accommodation. It isn't ideal but no worse than the conditions you are currently living in and it's at least without the violent and abusive partner

BornBlonde · 10/04/2022 07:52

Are the council and SS aware of the abuse?

What about a women's refuge? Have you asked if there is a space available?

Original poster

Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 10:07

Yeah council and SS are now aware of the abuse and I'm working with them a womens charity to get out.
My DS is 17 so I would have to have him stay elsewhere as I can't find a refuge which will take him.
And I have no family I can stay with or any that would take us all. I don't really want to split us up. Although speaking with my DS he says he don't mind and when I get somewhere he will come and live with me.

The GP reported the abuse to SS and they are doing a home visit soon. I haven't told partner as he will go ape shit. So SS will call partner and say referred by GP and come and do the visit.
They want to make sure DD and DS are OK. Especially DD as she was present when the last physical abuse happened.

However, as DSS is staying with us partner is on best behaviour. Told me not to start anything (arguments) while DSS is here.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2022 10:14

If your DP will go "ape shit" then you aren't safe. You need to get out today.

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 10:25

@Isitme4

I would have to start a separate thread on the relationship to give more detail. But basically I have low self esteem which is made worst by my situation. I have had problems with depression and anxiety previously which he knows of.

The plan was we move into his. He would go to the council and update his records and we move to a bigger place.
Or as we both work. Save and buy a property.
However, things haven't transpired as this.

The DSS is spending more time with us due his mother being unwell and to help the DSS family DP has upped the number of weekends and holidays stays.

So before the every other weekend was fine. Even though I have always had a problem with this sleeping arrangement. But I am always made to feel as if I'm the one with the issue. But now it has changed to me not being supportive as DSS needs comfort.

My DD was in cot until she out grew it so now sleeps in our bed.
I went out and bought her a bed mattress and everything it is still in the box as he has not put it up.

I know now I'm working on trying to get re-housed via the councils housing and I'm in touch with refuge and have a caseworker who is referring me for counselling and debt advice.

Fingers crossed I leave soon as DS and DC need space to grow and flourish.

If there is DV then you can move out pretty fast . You don't need to wait for the council to do their stuff . Keep you waiting ect. You tell them that your fleeing domestic violence and they have to find you emgency accommodation. You can also approach any council you feel is safe and they are not allowed to turn you away.

Tell them you have no where safe to sleep and you feel your in danger. They have to find you somthing within days not weeks whilst they sort out their crap.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/04/2022 10:27

You need to move out before things escalate. Your DS is 17, my boys at that age would have battered anyone who raised a hand to me. Do you want your DS to be put in a situation where he can be charged with assault for trying to protect you.

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 10:36

@Isitme4

Yeah council and SS are now aware of the abuse and I'm working with them a womens charity to get out. My DS is 17 so I would have to have him stay elsewhere as I can't find a refuge which will take him. And I have no family I can stay with or any that would take us all. I don't really want to split us up. Although speaking with my DS he says he don't mind and when I get somewhere he will come and live with me.

The GP reported the abuse to SS and they are doing a home visit soon. I haven't told partner as he will go ape shit. So SS will call partner and say referred by GP and come and do the visit.
They want to make sure DD and DS are OK. Especially DD as she was present when the last physical abuse happened.

However, as DSS is staying with us partner is on best behaviour. Told me not to start anything (arguments) while DSS is here.

It seems very odd the professionals are dragging their feet.

As I said on my other post . You can be out of their within days. It does not have to be a refuge as council will find emgency accommodation for you. So your 17 year old can be with you .

My daughter had her own place where her ex attacked her (not his place) he attacked her infront of her son. The ex done a runner. She was told by police and social services not to stay in the house because he could come back. Also that her son would be removed if she went back to the flat. Yet your council /social services are happy for you to stay there whilst they look into things . They should be getting you out of there and then supporting you once your in a safe place .

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 10:52

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 11:33

Wow!! Your comment is a little harsh.
No one was trying to play games.
I didn't know he was going to get violent prior to moving in with him. Because he promised that and cheating were things he would never do.
However, arguments plus my insecurities have caused things to get to this.

The reason why I think things are moving a little more slowly with the council and social is because I have said I'm not at immediate risk. As I say his son is here so he is on best behaviour.

However I have last week spoken to homeless housing and given them the areas I would be at risk so hoping this week they will find me temp accommodation.
I'm back to work Monday after 2 and half weeks being signed off. But WFH on Tuesday and then on annual leave from Wednesday until next week so will have time to sort myself out in moving somewhere.
As he has PR of DD, SS need to speak to him and the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 11:37

Your comment really just reinforces the negative thoughts I have.
I made my bed lie in it.
Take the beatings and put up and shut up.
Thanks

Thank you for the comments and postive suggestions from everyone else.

Once I have everything sorted and more of an update I will let you know.

Thank you

OP posts: