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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

86 replies

Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 17:02

Hi
I am a long time lurker, but first time poster.
I need to know if I'm being unsupportive and unreasonable. Like my partner keeps telling me I am.
I'm an overly sensitive with the relationship at the moment as there are other issues (namely DV recent and past, but thats for another thread). But this one issue is really playing on my mind.

So I have been with DP for over 4 years we have a DD together and I have a DS from a previous relationship. He also has children from previous relationships.
Me and my DS moved in with him a few years ago, but his flat is small (1 bed). However we have made it work.
Turning the living room into a room for my son.

Now, one of my DPs sons is having to stay with us much more regularly now most weekends and holidays (this easter holiday).

The question is in regrds to sleeping arrangements.
Normal set up when DSS is not here, is
Me, DD and DP share the bed.
My DP is wanting and has before wanted (which has caused arguments) DSS to share bed with us.
In the past my DS will sleep on the sofa or stay with friends and let DSS sleep in his bed.

Basically, since DSS has been staying this last visit DP has said he can sleep in our bed. DP works nights.
And when he comes in I either wake up and start my day or go and sleep on the sofa.
DP has said that me leaving the between he comes in from work, shows I am being unsupportive and cold for not staying in the bed.
However, I am uncomfortable sharing a bed with everyone.

Am I being unreasonable with partner and yes, for the sake of the family and making DSS feel supported for and included I should just share the bed.

Or I am being reasonable in sleeping on the sofa (and leave DP and kids to have the bed) or should we have the arrangement that my DS sleeps on the sofa and DSS can have my DS's bed.

Sorry, I appreciate there may be more questions from my post. But I am trying ever so hard to be vague. Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
gogohm · 10/04/2022 12:26

You need to apply for uc as a separated person and find a private rental for you and your kids. If you need help with the deposit the local housing team can help with that, you have a job so should not be as difficult as if you were only relying on uc. Don't wait for the council be proactive

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 12:29

It seems odd to me. Your basically saying yes he's violent. But he will be fine as his son is here. And social services /council just said ok that's fine. Social services have a duty of care . They know what's happend but happy for you /children to stay there.

Sleeping arrangements
AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 12:32

Yes I’m also confused that social services are ok with you staying in the house even though he is violent? Also it does read like you moved in to be overcrowded to be entitled to a bigger council house, in my council that wouldn’t wash as moving in knowing you would be overcrowded is classed as making yourself intentionally over crowded

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 12:33

@gogohm

You need to apply for uc as a separated person and find a private rental for you and your kids. If you need help with the deposit the local housing team can help with that, you have a job so should not be as difficult as if you were only relying on uc. Don't wait for the council be proactive
Op is fleeing dv. She does not have time to go private. It's near impossible to get a private rent when on uc. It could take months and that only if she could find somthing. She needs out via emgency accommodation
closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 12:40

You intentionally moved into accommodation where you knew you would be severely overcrowded, where there is not enough space for your kids to be raised in a healthy environment.

Are you really, really pretending you didn't know this was the case and that you didn't hope it would help you get bumped up the list for a council place? At least be honest with yourself. The violence is a seprate issue and it's crap you're going through that, but you intentionally chose to move into a place with not enough space for all of you. YOU chose that. You made that choice. And it was a stupid, stupid choice.

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 12:48

Even (if) op did move in to a small place that neither here nor there now to be honest. No point in bringing it up . As the dv over rides it and she just needs out of there with her children.

But generally I'm pretty sure council adds for whetr they have lived for the past 5 years . If it comes up that op moved from suitable accommodation into over crowded then thru works say she intentionally over crowded herself and say hard cheese. But the DV over rides it. So does not matter now.

AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 12:50

Doesn’t sound like they are helping her with the dv either though? She just keeps saying they are working on it? Surely ss and council would have her out of there straight away, they have emergency accommodation for this/refuges? Doesn’t seem like they are doing much (anything!)

Darbs76 · 10/04/2022 12:54

Really hope they can find something for you soon OP. This is not a healthy situation for anyone

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 12:55

@Cookiecrumble22

Even (if) op did move in to a small place that neither here nor there now to be honest. No point in bringing it up . As the dv over rides it and she just needs out of there with her children.

But generally I'm pretty sure council adds for whetr they have lived for the past 5 years . If it comes up that op moved from suitable accommodation into over crowded then thru works say she intentionally over crowded herself and say hard cheese. But the DV over rides it. So does not matter now.

I'm not sure that's worth getting in to now. It's done and what OP needs is help with is getting back out of it. I'd be nervous about the SS involvement tbh. You're there in these totally unsuitable living conditions you've chosen with violence added in. You haven't left and they will see that as failure to safeguard. This is going to be of massive concern to them and I suspect they will end up on the at risk register. Get them out now op. Turn up at the council, insist they need to find you somewhere immediately- they can. Even if it's a travel lodge
closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 12:56

@Cookiecrumble22

Even (if) op did move in to a small place that neither here nor there now to be honest. No point in bringing it up . As the dv over rides it and she just needs out of there with her children.

But generally I'm pretty sure council adds for whetr they have lived for the past 5 years . If it comes up that op moved from suitable accommodation into over crowded then thru works say she intentionally over crowded herself and say hard cheese. But the DV over rides it. So does not matter now.

Actually it is relevant. Intentionally making yourself homeless or intentionally putting yourself into unsuitable housing is taken into account with social housing.

Sure the alleged DV overrides all of that, but OP is being wishy washy with that, and doesn't seem concerned with how the local auths are dragging their heels. MPs are crap for the most part but in these cases they can be useful - "vulnerable woman in DV situation unable to leave" makes for an appalling headline any MP would want to avoid being caught up in.

As someone who has left a DV situation something doesn't add up about this. Either OP is in imminent danger and needs to leave, and the council should facilitate this, or they're not and they're telling fibs.

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 12:57

@AHungryCaterpillar

Doesn’t sound like they are helping her with the dv either though? She just keeps saying they are working on it? Surely ss and council would have her out of there straight away, they have emergency accommodation for this/refuges? Doesn’t seem like they are doing much (anything!)
They do. You can literally get out within day/days.
AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 13:00

So why aren’t they doing that?

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:02

@AHungryCaterpillar

So why aren’t they doing that?
Because op has told them she's not in immediate danger. They won't act unless they absolutely have to. Emergency accommodation costs them a fortune
Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 13:04

@closetmeupandshootmetotheskies

I agree on most parts. You have said my family have very recently been through this social services heavily involved. I agree that op seems very wishy-washy. I'm not sure if that's through fear. Not knowing how the system works. Could be that she's said the truth on here bit down played to social services/council. Could well be the situation is not as it seems. Would rather that to be honest .

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 13:11

@AHungryCaterpillar

So why aren’t they doing that?
Possibly op is down playing it to council/social services. But social services/council/police should be taken some control. When your a victim of dv. You don't always think straight /logic. My dd was told by police quite blunty don't go back. And she had to be found something within days . There was police and ambulance called in my dd case so maybe it was a bit different.
Original poster
Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:11

I was evicted from my previous place.
No family or friends to help. As I was expecting our DD and our relationship was established he said for me and my son could to come and live with him.
We made the living room into a room for my son and my daughter was in the bedroom with us.

Through out this time i have worked fulltime and as he. And it was our intention to save and buy rather than be reliant on the council.

However, cracks started to show, more arguments a few of which resulted in him being physical.
I still stayed because I believed it was my fault and he would change. My history of depression and anxiety didn't help neither.

Up until the last incident a few weeks ago I was still thinking things will change. Making excuses that he is stressed with the sick mother of his DS etc.

After seeing my GP to get treatment for migranes and to ask to be signed off. I spoke with a DV charity and they referred things to SS, GP referred to SS this was because there was safeguarding concerns as DD was present.
I have completed around 3 risk assessment forms and they have established the risk.

I had last year after living here for 3 years (local authority requirement) joined the housing register and have a Band B. This week (tuesday just gone) i spoke with the council homelessness unit and they have said that they can put me in temp acc, however the lady I spoke to had just come from leave and said that there was limited availability. But she has the areas I would be know in. She also said I would be placed in temp accommodation and while I'm being assessed the 56 days I would be expected to find a private rent. If I couldn't find a private rent then I will be kept in temp but my band would be downgraded to a band c.
Yes I work but my credit is very poor (I have debts) and finding a landlord who will take me will be hard, and I have no one to help with 6 months deposit or who would stand as guarantor.

I'm getting help from a debt charity.
I'm trying to get counselling.

Last Thursday I met with the social worker who is coming to a family assessment this coming Tues and she is going to help where she can with the housing.

I have put up with the abuse as I genuinely feel I am to blame. I feel shit about myself already. And some of these comments really have me feeling worst.
I just needed to know I wasn't wrong on the sleeping arrangements my partner was insisting on.
I should have known I was too sensitive for mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:17

I have never reported to the police because I have been scared of what the consequence will be.
I am genuinely scared of what people will think and say. I have such low self esteem and anxiety I can just about leave the house sometimes.
Working from home has been a god send for me.
I only go to the office if I can drive in as I'm so anxious on public transport.
And as I said before I have become so dependent on him. I believe when he says I would never cope on my own. Even though I did it before I met him. I seriously believe he is right.
I am so scared of going into temp accommodation. But the shame of failure is gripping.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 10/04/2022 13:20

In the short term can you, DD and DS sleep in his room (converted living room) and leave DH and DSS to it?

Original poster
Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:21

The time before this recent incident was last October. The time before that was months before again.
It is more the constant abusive arguments
The only reason I did something this time was because he changed what he did physically and it was worst than ever before.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:21

If you'd only wanted advice on the sleeping arrangements or would have been wise to omit the DV - the sleeping arrangements are insignificant in comparison and also irrelevant of moving home and leaving your partner is imminent

Original poster
Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:24

@BananaBlue
That's what have been doing since last week. But he keeps telling me that I'm being unreasonable and that I'm splitting up the family not being caring and supportive of DSS and him.
But his not taking responsibility for his actions or realising that what he is asking is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:26

@liveforsummer
Point taken.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:26

So you make it clear - yes the family is split. We are leaving as soon as I can get accommodation. I am here as I have nowhere else to go. So what if he says you're splitting the family. You are and for good reason ....

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 13:31

@Isitme4

I was evicted from my previous place. No family or friends to help. As I was expecting our DD and our relationship was established he said for me and my son could to come and live with him. We made the living room into a room for my son and my daughter was in the bedroom with us.

Through out this time i have worked fulltime and as he. And it was our intention to save and buy rather than be reliant on the council.

However, cracks started to show, more arguments a few of which resulted in him being physical.
I still stayed because I believed it was my fault and he would change. My history of depression and anxiety didn't help neither.

Up until the last incident a few weeks ago I was still thinking things will change. Making excuses that he is stressed with the sick mother of his DS etc.

After seeing my GP to get treatment for migranes and to ask to be signed off. I spoke with a DV charity and they referred things to SS, GP referred to SS this was because there was safeguarding concerns as DD was present.
I have completed around 3 risk assessment forms and they have established the risk.

I had last year after living here for 3 years (local authority requirement) joined the housing register and have a Band B. This week (tuesday just gone) i spoke with the council homelessness unit and they have said that they can put me in temp acc, however the lady I spoke to had just come from leave and said that there was limited availability. But she has the areas I would be know in. She also said I would be placed in temp accommodation and while I'm being assessed the 56 days I would be expected to find a private rent. If I couldn't find a private rent then I will be kept in temp but my band would be downgraded to a band c.
Yes I work but my credit is very poor (I have debts) and finding a landlord who will take me will be hard, and I have no one to help with 6 months deposit or who would stand as guarantor.

I'm getting help from a debt charity.
I'm trying to get counselling.

Last Thursday I met with the social worker who is coming to a family assessment this coming Tues and she is going to help where she can with the housing.

I have put up with the abuse as I genuinely feel I am to blame. I feel shit about myself already. And some of these comments really have me feeling worst.
I just needed to know I wasn't wrong on the sleeping arrangements my partner was insisting on.
I should have known I was too sensitive for mumsnet.

So are they saying the person who was dealing with you getting temporary accommodation. Was on leave and that's why its taking long ?

If that's what you mean then that's not good enough they can't just say oh yes i know your fleeing dv. But you will have wait till I'm back from Leave. ( I do believe that they could have ) but that does not mean its right.

Yes in 56 days they look into your case decide if they owe you a full duty. Which they should do because of the dv. Council do help find private rent. But if they can't then you will stay in temporary until they do find you private or social housing comes up.

When your fleeing domestic violence the local connection in your case 3 years does not come into it . As your fleeing dv you can approach any council and they are (not) allowed to turn you away.

Almost forgot. You said you will be put down to c band check the allocations policy for your council and check what it says about domestic violence/people in danger. At first my daughter was put in band 3 homeless which is lowest band . We had to fight for it. But in the end she was in band 1. Under risk to life.