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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

86 replies

Isitme4 · 08/04/2022 17:02

Hi
I am a long time lurker, but first time poster.
I need to know if I'm being unsupportive and unreasonable. Like my partner keeps telling me I am.
I'm an overly sensitive with the relationship at the moment as there are other issues (namely DV recent and past, but thats for another thread). But this one issue is really playing on my mind.

So I have been with DP for over 4 years we have a DD together and I have a DS from a previous relationship. He also has children from previous relationships.
Me and my DS moved in with him a few years ago, but his flat is small (1 bed). However we have made it work.
Turning the living room into a room for my son.

Now, one of my DPs sons is having to stay with us much more regularly now most weekends and holidays (this easter holiday).

The question is in regrds to sleeping arrangements.
Normal set up when DSS is not here, is
Me, DD and DP share the bed.
My DP is wanting and has before wanted (which has caused arguments) DSS to share bed with us.
In the past my DS will sleep on the sofa or stay with friends and let DSS sleep in his bed.

Basically, since DSS has been staying this last visit DP has said he can sleep in our bed. DP works nights.
And when he comes in I either wake up and start my day or go and sleep on the sofa.
DP has said that me leaving the between he comes in from work, shows I am being unsupportive and cold for not staying in the bed.
However, I am uncomfortable sharing a bed with everyone.

Am I being unreasonable with partner and yes, for the sake of the family and making DSS feel supported for and included I should just share the bed.

Or I am being reasonable in sleeping on the sofa (and leave DP and kids to have the bed) or should we have the arrangement that my DS sleeps on the sofa and DSS can have my DS's bed.

Sorry, I appreciate there may be more questions from my post. But I am trying ever so hard to be vague. Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

BananaBlue · 10/04/2022 13:33

He is splitting the family because he hurts you and the children (they are witnessing/hearing DV).
It’s his fault you are splitting as they need protection.

His opinion stopped mattering the day he hurt you.

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 13:39

@Isitme4

I have never reported to the police because I have been scared of what the consequence will be. I am genuinely scared of what people will think and say. I have such low self esteem and anxiety I can just about leave the house sometimes. Working from home has been a god send for me. I only go to the office if I can drive in as I'm so anxious on public transport. And as I said before I have become so dependent on him. I believe when he says I would never cope on my own. Even though I did it before I met him. I seriously believe he is right. I am so scared of going into temp accommodation. But the shame of failure is gripping.

Thats another reason ro leave. You need to find yourself again. Make sure you and the children are safe . Don't you think you and your children are worth more than that?

Temporary accommodation will be better than where you are . It will actually be less crowded than where you are now. It won't be a Palace. But it will give you head space. You and the kids will be safe.

Original poster

Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:48

@Cookiecrumble22
Sorry I meant to say. When first called and spoke to the lady on Tuesday. She said she had just come from leave.
She explained the whole 56 days and downgrading of band and looking for private rent.
She then asked if I had a IDVA. I spoke with them on the same Tuesday after speaking with the council.
I then spoke back to the council and gave the IDVA contact and the social services contact (on Wednesday prior to my meeting with SS on thursday). Then on Friday she (council homelessness) contacted me to ask which areas would be risk areas which I gave her. So I hope to hear from her this week coming re temp accommodation. Albeit it may be far, I will take it whatever and go.
I have been advised that if anything happens I'm to call the police and a referral has been made to MARAC.

But he is careful he won't do anything to warrant me calling the police because he wants to protect DSS staying with us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitme4 · 10/04/2022 13:51

@Cookiecrumble22
I have a telephone appt with a counsellor on Monday. Which I known need. I have been to some dark places these last couple of weeks.

OP posts:

Cookiecrumble22 · 10/04/2022 14:02

[quote Isitme4]@Cookiecrumble22
Sorry I meant to say. When first called and spoke to the lady on Tuesday. She said she had just come from leave.
She explained the whole 56 days and downgrading of band and looking for private rent.
She then asked if I had a IDVA. I spoke with them on the same Tuesday after speaking with the council.
I then spoke back to the council and gave the IDVA contact and the social services contact (on Wednesday prior to my meeting with SS on thursday). Then on Friday she (council homelessness) contacted me to ask which areas would be risk areas which I gave her. So I hope to hear from her this week coming re temp accommodation. Albeit it may be far, I will take it whatever and go.
I have been advised that if anything happens I'm to call the police and a referral has been made to MARAC.

But he is careful he won't do anything to warrant me calling the police because he wants to protect DSS staying with us.[/quote]
Thank you for explaining all that it definitely makes much more sense now. My daughter had involvement with the agency's you mentioned.

Please be very careful my dd almost had her child removed from her care . As she was told not to have contact with her abuser. But spoke to him whilst he was in prison. And her child was almost taken by social services. So please don't go back. And do everything they advice. I hope your sorted very soon. And definitely ring police if somthing bad happens.

Maldives2006 · 10/04/2022 14:10

@Isitme4

Op you need to phone the police and say you want to leave and go to a refuge now. Is there a friend your son could stay with for a few days and or maybe an independent living facility.

You say you’ve been referred to MARAC which is for the highest risk DV situations but Social services are happy for your daughter and DSS to stay with a violent man in a 1 bedroom flat. It feels like you’re downplaying the severity of your situation.

The situation is completely your partner’s fault but as Mum it’s your responsibility to maintain the physical and mental safety of your children.

user1471538283 · 10/04/2022 14:46

I think you need to involve your MP and aggressively chase a move for you and your DC. I would be worried that your DD would be removed because of his violence.

Original poster

Isitme4 · 17/04/2022 10:39

Hi All
Posting with an update.
Social services came and did a family assessment and spoke with my DC on Tuesday. That same Tuesday I had an email from the homelessness officer to say that a temporary housing officer will call me to arrange temp housing on Thursday. Picked up the keys to the temp accommodation on Thursday and started moving in.

I'm going to contact the homelessness officer on Tuesday to try and find out next steps. As I'm unsure how long I will be here and what to do next. Do I look for private rent (which will be hard) or will the council try and find me permanent housing.

From my ex partner it has been constant calls and messages of how sorry he is and how I have hurt him in taking our DD away from him.
He will not accept he hurt me physically and emotionally as well as the emotional hurt to the children.

OP posts:

Cookiecrumble22 · 17/04/2022 12:50

@Isitme4

Hi All Posting with an update. Social services came and did a family assessment and spoke with my DC on Tuesday. That same Tuesday I had an email from the homelessness officer to say that a temporary housing officer will call me to arrange temp housing on Thursday. Picked up the keys to the temp accommodation on Thursday and started moving in.

Regarding the housing situation.. in the next 56 days. The council will look into your situation. To make sure you did not make your self homless. As you have fleed dv you have not made yourself homless so after 56 days they should offer you a full duty.

I don't think you were a social housing tenant before being moved to the temporary were you ? If thats the case then they can look at private rent for you. But if you or they can't find you a private rent then you will bid for social housing. As its a dv situation you should be in a heigh banding . You should check yoir councils allocation policy.

Have social services given any advice regarding your ex? Can you block him/change your number. (Do not) let him know where you are.

Original poster

Isitme4 · 17/04/2022 17:13

Thank you Cookie Crumble. The lady I spoke to made it seem as if private rent would be the only option. But I worry about that as I have very bad credit, and have no savings for a 6 months up front or a guarantor.

I wasn't a council tenant my partner was the tenant.

I had registered on the housing register last year and was given a Band B. She did say that my band would be downgraded to a Band C. And that I wouldn't be able to bid while in temporary.

I have social services involved and an advocate. So hopefully they can help with the priority for re-housing.

He has no idea of where we are. I think I may block him on the phone for a while. Last night he had been drinking and the calls were relentless.

OP posts:

Cookiecrumble22 · 17/04/2022 17:38

@Isitme4

I wasn't a council tenant my partner was the tenant.

I had registered on the housing register last year and was given a Band B. She did say that my band would be downgraded to a Band C. And that I wouldn't be able to bid while in temporary.

I have social services involved and an advocate. So hopefully they can help with the priority for re-housing.

He has no idea of where we are. I think I may block him on the phone for a while. Last night he had been drinking and the calls were relentless.

The fact is if private rent can't be found. Then there's no choice. But to keep you in temporary accommodation and you bid till you get a home.

Banding normally A /1 is the highest banding. Band B /2 is a heigher band that band c/ 3 so it sounds like they want to lower your band. You really need to look up your council allocations/banding . To make sure you go in the right band. AS it should be quite heigh for DV.

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