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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think support for new mums in the UK is actually a bit crap?

96 replies

WestminsterCrabby · 07/04/2022 09:18

Been thinking a lot about this recently (My DD is almost 8 months now)

I struggled with anxiety and depression when I was pregnant, and although my midwives were lovely there wasn't a lot of support available. No in person ante natal classes or anything. I cant fault the care I received during my labour which I'm extremely grateful for given the recent news. But once DD was born, I felt sort of... abandoned?

I'm sure this is a pretty standard tale, but I was wheeled down to the post natal ward and just left there. They said DH had to go because of covid rules which I understand but I pretty much cried that entire first night and nobody checked on me despite the fact that I was meant to be having my high blood pressure monitored every 2 hours. Even though I was delighted that DD was here I still feel quite sad thinking back to how overwhelmed and lonely I was that first night.

After we came home, the HV came a few times to weigh her but after a few weeks she said she would come again when DD was 1 unless we needed anything.

Obviously she had her vaccinations and I tried to ask the nurse a few questions I had but she was quite dismissive.

I'm probably being over the top, but it's just felt like going through this massive change with absolutely no help whatsoever, other than google, no way of telling whether my baby is doing okay or not? My mum said when she had me the HV would come every month and they monitored mine and her progress very closely.

AIBU to think in a country like the UK we could do better for new mums?

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 09:21

You can see the hv at the baby clinic you don’t need to wait till they are one, I use to take my 2 when they were babies to get weighed or if I needed any advice, tbh I wouldn’t have wanted them coming round once a month.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2022 09:27

This doesn’t sound much different to when I had my kids 15/20 years ago tbh. The HV came ‘for 10 days’-but not every day, it was probably day 3,5,7,10, and then never came again. I don’t think them coming once a month would have achieved much. My support came from family and the NCT group I had paid for.

Pyri · 07/04/2022 09:30

I completely agree with you OP, I feel like there is decent midwife support when you’re pregnant but not much when the baby is actually here!

I had a HV telephone appt, and a midwife came to check my stitches but otherwise that was it. No baby clinics, no HV appts - there is a HV phone number but she was completely useless

I feel like it would be really useful / helpful to have a few more check in sessions where you could just ask if you’re doing it right, basically. All the little questions build up

Chasingaftermidnight · 07/04/2022 09:35

I think Covid has made it incredibly difficult for new mums. When my first was born there were plenty of home visits from midwives and HVs, walk-in HV baby clinics every week, breastfeeding support clinics, baby groups, etc. I had PND and a lot of anxiety and found it all invaluable.

Second time round, far fewer baby groups, breastfeeding clinic is appointment only, as is baby clinic (and you need to have a specific concern for them to see you). I’m fortunate that I’ve had a much easier time second time round so haven’t really needed them. But I really feel for first time mums who’ve had their babies since covid arrived.

MatildaTheCat · 07/04/2022 09:36

YANBU. As a former midwife I used to love postnatal care when we did it properly. Home visits for a minimum of 10 days every day. Easy access to a HV thereafter.

It’s very sad indeed and I really feel for new mothers going home barely out of labour with very little support, it must be terrifying.

8dpwoah · 07/04/2022 09:36

I hear you OP, I know people knock NCT but our WhatsApp group was great as a hive mind and sounding board and I'd have been lost without it, and posting on here at times tbf. Plus the drop-in baby clinics which were available twice a week for weighing and advice have stopped round here, you can still ring them for advice or book for a weighing appointment if you want to see a HV (they do self weigh elsewhere too but I can do that at home, so...) but you can't just nip up and wait your turn while baby plays like you used to be able to of something was bothering you (that's only 2019 but obviously pre Covid).

I don't know if baby groups still offer that kind of informal support as I only go to toddler ones with the baby getting tagged along now rather than ones that target new mums with small babies but I did find one of those really helpful locally too.

It does trouble me a bit that my daughter is nearly three and the last time a HV saw her (apart from when I took her to get weighed when the baby was, but I didn't have to) was when she last got weighed at drop in when she was 8 months old before I went back to work. She had her 12 month review over the phone and she hasn't yet had her two year old check but I think that will be a phone call too. Ok she had her 12 month jabs as well but it's no wonder kids slip through the cracks with the system being as it is.

Templeblossom · 07/04/2022 09:36

Surely you and your DH support each other?
Its normal to have a whole range of emotions post birth.
Midwife attends for 10 days post birth and checks on mother and baby.

Im not sure what else you were expecting?

Pyri · 07/04/2022 09:39

@Templeblossom

Surely you and your DH support each other? Its normal to have a whole range of emotions post birth. Midwife attends for 10 days post birth and checks on mother and baby.

Im not sure what else you were expecting?

Surely you and DH support each other

Well yeah, but how do either of you (sleep deprived, first time parents) know if you’re doing something right / what if you both need some support etc etc?

Pyri · 07/04/2022 09:39

@Templeblossom

Surely you and your DH support each other? Its normal to have a whole range of emotions post birth. Midwife attends for 10 days post birth and checks on mother and baby.

Im not sure what else you were expecting?

Also sorry, the midwife does NOT attend 10 days post-birth, that sounds amazing but mine only came once to check my stitches!

Templeblossom · 07/04/2022 09:41

Midwife?
Books, online resources
I would say family members but mine were crap.

8dpwoah · 07/04/2022 09:42

I think @Templeblossom from reading the OP she was expecting HV face to face to be more accessible for a start, rather than hiding away behind covid reasoning as they are in many areas still.
There are two of us already on here who've posted to say that the services have changed dramatically in the last three years so if OP has friends with slightly older children I imagine she was expecting similar support to what they had.

OP you should at least get 12 month check soon, if you Google ASQ pdfs you will find the development questionnaires they use for the different ages so they might help reassure you a bit.

8dpwoah · 07/04/2022 09:43

And you can't access the midwife when the baby is 8 months old, obviously 🙄

DistrictCommissioner · 07/04/2022 09:43

When I had my first nearly 14 years old, I could go daily to a Surestart centre playgroup run by community health workers, weekly to a baby weigh drop in run by HV, and weekly to a breastfeeding support group run by peer supporters.

Now the Surestart centre has been closed, and we are short of 5,000 HV nationally. Baby weighing is special request only or self service in the local library at unstaffed scales.

Templeblossom · 07/04/2022 09:43

Also sorry, the midwife does NOT attend 10 days post-birth, that sounds amazing but mine only came once to check my stitches!

Sorry that should be up to10days.
Appreciate they arent going to be there everyday.
Surely you can call them if there is an issue though?

Original poster

WestminsterCrabby · 07/04/2022 09:44

My DH is great but he works a lot, sometimes away, and also he isn't a baby expert so its felt like the blind leading the blind at times! I googled something medical to do with DD once and got some frightening answers but when I eventually managed to speak to the GP about it she dismissed it and told me never to google things. So wtf am I meant to do if its virtually impossible to get a gp appointment, there are no baby clinics (covid) and I'm not allowed to google??

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 09:44

Well then this is to do with Covid not general support, my hv clinic was weekly you could attend whenever you wanted; also baby groups for support.

Moody123 · 07/04/2022 09:45

I had my DS 5 years ago and honestly as much as I could tell the HV wanted to help they were just so stretched, as my DS was fine we were just the bottom of what I imagine was a very big list to them
I had some issue with sleep and breastfeeding however just got the response of 'some babies don't need sleep' 'so long as he has wet nappies he's fine'
My NCT group were invaluable
This time round I have planned to make sure I have a lot of other people around me (it takes a village to raise a child)

DistrictCommissioner · 07/04/2022 09:46

@WestminsterCrabby

Ring your HV? Where I am they will book you in for a telephone appointment to chat through your questions/concerns.

Chely · 07/04/2022 09:47

Mums in general not just new ones

elliejjtiny · 07/04/2022 09:47

When I had dc1 16 years ago the midwife came to my house on days 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 10, 13 and 15. Then the HV visited a couple of days after that and then we saw the HV at the clinic every other week until he was about 1 and every month until dc2 was born. There was also a breastfeeding group for babies up to 9 months although lots of mums who went there weren't breastfeeding.

With my youngest (born 8 years ago) we were discharged from hospital on day 8 and midwives came on day 9, 10 and 12. HV came a couple of days later and then we went to the clinic. Breastfeeding group was for babies up until 4 months. I can't remember how often we went to the HV clinic with him, probably every 2 weeks to start with, then every month or so until he was about 1 I think.

Support has definitely got less over the years. Our local children's centre closed about 4 or 5 years ago and a lot of the support for new mums went then. Covid made things worse as well. I don't know what's available now as my dc are older but I've heard there is an infant feeding group started up recently.

Original poster

WestminsterCrabby · 07/04/2022 09:52

Yeah perhaps it was more do with Covid than the general situation. There are a few baby groups up and running now which are good, but still no baby/weigh in clinic with the HV present. My HV is nice but obviously very stretched.

OP posts:

DockOTheBay · 07/04/2022 09:53

@Templeblossom

Surely you and your DH support each other? Its normal to have a whole range of emotions post birth. Midwife attends for 10 days post birth and checks on mother and baby.

Im not sure what else you were expecting?

Nope. I had to take my baby to the midwives (they never came to me) and that was on days 3, 5 and 7. I was supposed to have a 10 day one but they never arranged it.

What else we should expect:
health visitors who know what they're talking about and are available to weigh babies and offer advice more frequently than once a month - clinics stopped completely since covid
Breastfeeding support groups - the one local to me closed since lockdown
Health visitors doing 1 and 2 year checks actually near the correct age. My daughter is nearly 2.5 and we haven't been contacted for a 2 year check.

I do worry about the number of babies and children who have fallen through the cracks and haven't been seen by a professional since their 6 week GP appointment.

KarenOLantern · 07/04/2022 09:56

@AHungryCaterpillar

Are they doing clinics again? My baby was born in lockdown, no clinics, no in-person HV visits AT ALL (even when she was newborn), it was just a couple of phone calls in the first 8 weeks. If the in-person clinics have started back up again we haven't been told about it. I wouldn't even have a clue where they are held. It's lucky we didn't have any problems, because I don't feel like it would have been easy to find support if I had. I'm still not entirely sure what it is health visitors are supposed to do. I know it varies massively from area to area though.

KELLOGSspeck · 07/04/2022 09:58

Absolutely agree. I also had a HCA come to my house to put my baby under the window and ask if my baby opens his eyes.... worried baby had jauduice honestly I will never live it down.... DS was sleeping and he is an ethnic child.

My HV was lovely and all... I guess it's down to staffing.

What I found was a waste is the self weighing baby clinic and there was sometimes a HV walking around... what a nice job she had.

I'm not surprised so many mums get PND.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 10:01

Like I said it must be to do with Covid then, when I had my daughter 4 years ago there was still HV baby clinics, they invited me to them (but I didn’t go) it was baby number 4 so I didn’t need them by that point 😂 but they were at the gp surgery.

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