To think support for new mums in the UK is actually a bit crap?

[WestminsterCrabby]

Been thinking a lot about this recently (My DD is almost 8 months now)

I struggled with anxiety and depression when I was pregnant, and although my midwives were lovely there wasn't a lot of support available. No in person ante natal classes or anything. I cant fault the care I received during my labour which I'm extremely grateful for given the recent news. But once DD was born, I felt sort of... abandoned?

I'm sure this is a pretty standard tale, but I was wheeled down to the post natal ward and just left there. They said DH had to go because of covid rules which I understand but I pretty much cried that entire first night and nobody checked on me despite the fact that I was meant to be having my high blood pressure monitored every 2 hours. Even though I was delighted that DD was here I still feel quite sad thinking back to how overwhelmed and lonely I was that first night.

After we came home, the HV came a few times to weigh her but after a few weeks she said she would come again when DD was 1 unless we needed anything.

Obviously she had her vaccinations and I tried to ask the nurse a few questions I had but she was quite dismissive.

I'm probably being over the top, but it's just felt like going through this massive change with absolutely no help whatsoever, other than google, no way of telling whether my baby is doing okay or not? My mum said when she had me the HV would come every month and they monitored mine and her progress very closely.

AIBU to think in a country like the UK we could do better for new mums?

It's partly COVID, but partly a general decline. DD was born in 2016, and I was quite impressed by the level of informal support offered here. The local leisure centre hosted a 'babies who lunch' session every Tuesday, with a couple of HVs on hand to answer questions. It was also a good social thing, plenty of new parents and a chance to chat to other families in a similar position. While there was a focus on BF support (the 'lunch' bit, I guess), it was open to all parents and was ideal if you had a quick query that didn't demand a full appointment but would benefit from a professional opinion. After DW went back to work, I remember taking DD myself once for precisely that reason. AFAIK, though, this hasn't recovered from COVID yet and I suspect it won't.

Other things were already in decline. We used to have a clinic within walking distance that had weighing sessions every fortnight. The building was then sold (and is now a micropub that I quite like, so it's not all bad news!) and the weighing session moved to a large, draughty church hall. I tried it once with DD and she screamed the place down. That might be the last time we attempted to weigh her until she was big enough to go on our bathroom scales. Also, we had none of the pre-school HV checks that we'd expected. I don't think these are purely COVID issues, but I guess it's what people voted for over the past decade or so.

On the one hand, we've no concerns about DD's progress and, if the system is stretched, it would be a waste of resources devoting time to us when we don't have any real problems. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a bit more reassurance and advice at times instead of feeling like we're winging it whenever something different crops up.

I think it's that informal 'just pop in' sort of session that's the real gap- you could be umming and ahhing about a problem, then wake up on the day of the clinic and think sod it I'll pop and get her weighed and ask about that dribble rash (or whatever thing you wouldn't want a full appointment for). Then it didn't matter if baby wasn't in the mood to go out, you just didn't and aimed to get to the next one. Or if they did a nappy explosion as you were going out of the door, because you hadn't got a fixed appointment to panic about getting to, and nor had you had to pay in advance so you didn't lose out if you didn't get there.

With my first, 21 years ago, the health visitors ran a free six week course for a group of us new mums and our babies. We covered different stuff each week - weaning, first aid etc. Our babies were about 8-12 weeks old and the two HVs would mind them for 15-20 minutes so we could have a coffee and chat together. Such a great opportunity to boost social and emotional wellbeing of new mums. I'm still friends with two members of our group today. There was also a weekly weighing clinic we could go to and get any questions answered.

When I had baby number 2 I didn't get the first time mum's support group again, but the HV was still very helpful and put me in touch with the local nursery nurse training college. I had a student on placement to help with baby number 2. She was a godsend! HV team also fabulous in supporting our family through child's diagnosis with genetic disorder.

Moved to different surgery for baby number three, but again the health visiting team were absolutely brilliant - home visits for breast feeding support were especially valued.

Tried to pay it forward - retrained and loved working as a midwife on postnatal ward. Unfortunately, it got to the stage where it wasn't possible to give the care I wanted to give, and that women and their families deserved. Things have definitely changed for the worse.

I agree OP. My DD is 3 months old and I’ve seen a HV twice (once when she was 2 weeks, once literally the other day). Luckily for me that’s fine as I’m not suffering from PND or anything and have loads of support, but I keep thinking of all the people who don’t have the same support system I do!
The worst thing for me is I wasn’t seen until 12 weeks post partum by a dr - I called at 6 weeks to book the appointment the HV impressed to me that it was VERY important I make, they told me to wait til 8 weeks. At the 8 week appointment they checked DD over thoroughly, all fine, great - took my blood pressure and pretty much ushered me out of the door. Didn’t ask how I was feeling, about contraception etc and I didnt have a chance to ask them about my concerns about some physical post delivery problems. I did actually ring up and complain afterwards and eventually got seen at 12 weeks PP as I said but it’s a bit rubbish it took so long :(
The thing I most struggled with was the lack of breastfeeding support. Almost gave up at one point but luckily managed to power through and all is fine now. I understand pressure on the NHS/covid etc but there’s a lot of support when you’re pregnant…just not so much afterwards.

@Totalwasteofpaper just read your comment - it’s so frustrating none of them sing from the same hymn sheet about BF! Midwives told me one thing, paediatrician (when I got sent to A&E with DD because she’d lost 12% of her birth weight) told me completely another, lactation consultant told me something else. They drum it into you all through pregnancy about the benefits of breastfeeding and then the second you have any kind of struggle it’s just fobbing you off all round.

I hear you. It was even harder in covid. No visitors on the ward. No HV. No baby groups.

Yes I agree. My eldest is 14 this year and the care I received from his birth, my aftercare in hospital and from the health visitor afterwards was great. There was support with breastfeeding and general care of baby. I noticed when I had my next child 5 years later that things had slid and that was all gone. And with my third and fourth babies, it was awful. I was in pain after c sections, pressing the button and no one came, they put me on the wrong ward with pregnant women instead of mums and babies and no one gave me any food or painkillers. Then they took my baby for a blood test, before bringing him back because it was actually the baby next to me they needed. I'm glad I've finished having kids.

@8dpwoah

I think *@Templeblossom* from reading the OP she was expecting HV face to face to be more accessible for a start, rather than hiding away behind covid reasoning as they are in many areas still. There are two of us already on here who've posted to say that the services have changed dramatically in the last three years so if OP has friends with slightly older children I imagine she was expecting similar support to what they had.

OP you should at least get 12 month check soon, if you Google ASQ pdfs you will find the development questionnaires they use for the different ages so they might help reassure you a bit.

They are not doing any sort of 1 year check where I am anymore!

I really feel for first time mums and the lack of support that has been on offer for the last couple of years.

I'm 7 months pregnant and shitting it tbh. No antenatal classes at all in my Trust due to covid (unless you live in a particularly affluent area of the borough, they have a continuity of carer team that are running them there for some reason but only for their catchment area...).

Advice from the midwife is to go private. Unfortunately with the massive cost of living rise I'm already having to review my maternity leave budget and can't really warrant it when most threads on NCT etc say the main benefit is making "mum friends". I'll be relying on Google & a book I think.

I've just contacted our local children's centre who are running a parents-to-be group but it's a midweek, midmorning session so will have to wait til mat leave starts, hopefully make one or two sessions before baby arrives though.

Our HV abandoned us. It was during the worst of covid but she was even unreachable by phone, as was the rest of her department.

It's really hard being a new parent.

I volunteer with the NCT to run various baby groups and it was heartbreaking when we had to close because of covid. It's also been hard restarting things, finding new venues and finding volunteers to run them.

So much support is reliant on volunteers which creates a postcode lottery.

@AwkwardPaws27 look on Facebook for local mums groups. Often they will advertise free or low cost local baby groups.

I agree, particularly mental health support. There was so much said about how you must talk to someone if you were feeling depressed, but when I actually tried to speak to someone, there was nothing.
I called my HV when DD was about 3 months and my PND was so severe I pretty much had a plan for suicide and she told me to “call back in a few days once the phase has passed.” I hung up the phone genuinely thinking I’d be dead in a few days.
I spoke to my GP who referred me to an online CBT course specifically designed for PND, but that mainly focused on the importance of getting enough sleep, and having a routine.

I’m due with DD2 in 8 weeks, and frankly I’m terrified. I’ve tried to get mental health support during this pregnancy, but it’s like talking to a brick wall.

I agree completely OP and it's really sad. So many things were in decline anyway (the closure of childrens centres etc) but Covid has just decimated everything.

I had DS1 nearly 18 years ago. Midwife came every day for the first 10 days, then referred to HV once discharged, HVs held drop in clinics twice a week. NCT offered bumps and babes drop ins and parent and toddler groups. Local Surestart centre offered all sorts of different activities.

A few years later, I took over the running of a local parent and toddler group (£2 a session in the church hall type thing) and I could tell how much of a lifeline it was to some of the parents and carers who came. Just that opportunity to get out of the house. A change of scene, a few different toys for your baby/toddler to play with, a cup of tea, a chance to sit and chat to people in the same situation, an utterly naff singing session at the end . Really simple stuff but so important.

Covid has been shit for so many people but I do especially feel for the parents of new babies and toddlers who lost out on so much.

There is support out there. It's a problem of not knowing about it in some cases I think. And in part, the fear of say putting yourself out there for many women joining groups etc.

But our local family centre run free:
Antenal courses (was Zoom, now back face-to-face)
Breastfeeding support groups
New mums group (0-6m, weekly I think in 6w blocks)
Active Rhyme Time baby class (weekly)
Peadiatric 1st Aid (£25)
Toddler Class (weekly)
Welly Walk (weekly)
Self weigh stations & booked weighs with a health visitor at various intervals.
Advice line

You have your GP for any medical concerns after you've been discharged from the midwive home visits.

In terms of mental health support though...yes you're probably right, but your GP would be the port of call for this.

There are charities such as La Leche League that also provide feeding support.

You've got NCT events.

Rhyme Time at the library (free!) and various other classes out there to meet people. Cheap chuch baby/toddler groups etc.

However I do appreciate that those who live rurally, can't drive, have limited funds will find it more difficult to access these things.

Apps like Peanut to meet other local mums, Facebook groups etc.

And things like postnatal physios, private lactation consultants, nappy ladies, sling consultants are out there but definitely at a cost.

I remember thinking when my two were first born, are you just gonna leave me with a newborn?!

I knew nothing.

Like being hired for a new job and not having the qualifications

The state provided "friendship" care isn't great, but it's better than in other countries. Traditionally, friends, relatives and the community provided support but contemporary UK has given up on those. Other countries seem to have firmer family and friendship ties.

@AwkwardPaws27

I'm 7 months pregnant and shitting it tbh. No antenatal classes at all in my Trust due to covid (unless you live in a particularly affluent area of the borough, they have a continuity of carer team that are running them there for some reason but only for their catchment area...).

Advice from the midwife is to go private. Unfortunately with the massive cost of living rise I'm already having to review my maternity leave budget and can't really warrant it when most threads on NCT etc say the main benefit is making "mum friends". I'll be relying on Google & a book I think.

I've just contacted our local children's centre who are running a parents-to-be group but it's a midweek, midmorning session so will have to wait til mat leave starts, hopefully make one or two sessions before baby arrives though.

Do you not have any friends?

[quote Asthenia]@Totalwasteofpaper just read your comment - it’s so frustrating none of them sing from the same hymn sheet about BF! Midwives told me one thing, paediatrician (when I got sent to A&E with DD because she’d lost 12% of her birth weight) told me completely another, lactation consultant told me something else. They drum it into you all through pregnancy about the benefits of breastfeeding and then the second you have any kind of struggle it’s just fobbing you off all round.[/quote]
Yes completely.
it makes me want to scream

I was prefeeding formula 5 whole days on the expensive highly recommended lactation consultant advice. The midwife was utterly horrified and said never give it beforehand. When i went back to LC she just said. Okay give the peefeed after then.
I can't even get vaguely consistent advice on how/when to pump.
I am just trying to take each day as it comes frankly.

@NotMeekNotObedient
I am desperately trying to access most if not all of these things you listed in my area with to close to no response back. I am chasing people daily while trying to care for a newborn. It shouldnt be this hard.

our NCT has literally NOTHING. I asked and was directed to an empty board with no events... because covid.
The breast feeding cafe in our area is now closed.
Bf support is all virtual. It took 10 days to get a pointless 30 min zoom call.
I cannot find anyone to weigh my baby. All self weighins are appointment only. Apart from they wont answer my emails or texts so i cant book in. I have been trying for 5 days.

I think it's a bit of a two-way street here. The support is available and sometimes you need to go down avenues to access it. The Health care professionals aren't mind readers and new mums will have varying levels of different needs. You should've been given literature about support available, when the midwives discharge you they tell you what support is available from then on, local family information services are widely available online/via social media and so on.

I agree. It's unbelievable really. I was told I could go home at midnight just two hours after giving birth. They said this to me like I'd be thrilled to get home. I was perfectly happy to stay in for a night. I was tired and wanted to sleep but had to traipse across the carpark in the middle of the night with my two hour old baby.

@AwkwardPaws27

I'm 7 months pregnant and shitting it tbh. No antenatal classes at all in my Trust due to covid (unless you live in a particularly affluent area of the borough, they have a continuity of carer team that are running them there for some reason but only for their catchment area...).

Advice from the midwife is to go private. Unfortunately with the massive cost of living rise I'm already having to review my maternity leave budget and can't really warrant it when most threads on NCT etc say the main benefit is making "mum friends". I'll be relying on Google & a book I think.

I've just contacted our local children's centre who are running a parents-to-be group but it's a midweek, midmorning session so will have to wait til mat leave starts, hopefully make one or two sessions before baby arrives though.

I know NCT is expensive but I wouldn't downplay its benefit of a friendship group. I have plenty of friends but only one with a baby born at the same time as mine. With NCT I suddenly had seven more friends in the same (often lonely) boat as me. Your friends without babies are not the same because they aren't in the same place as you and you can't text them exhausted and lost at 3am during yet another bad night. No matter how hard they try, they aren't going to get it.

My course leader was also fantastic and didn't push all the wishy-washy hypnobirthing/"natural labour" stuff. She runs free weekly Zooms for mums to discuss their concerns too. To be honest, NCT has been a complete lifeline for me for the past four months! My partner is also good friends with the other dads and has them to sound off of when the going gets tough. Best £200 we ever spent.

Do you not have any friends?

Not with babies/young children, unfortunately.

And I feel pretty crap already about not having any friends with babies. Most of our friends have made it clear they can't think of anything worse than having kids, and I barely see anyone as I've been trying to avoid getting covid again.

Maybe I should do NCT. Bit worried I'll spend £270 on it & still not make any friends though!

NCT well worth it with a first baby particularly in the context of there being so little other stuff around now.