To think support for new mums in the UK is actually a bit crap?

[WestminsterCrabby]

Been thinking a lot about this recently (My DD is almost 8 months now)

I struggled with anxiety and depression when I was pregnant, and although my midwives were lovely there wasn't a lot of support available. No in person ante natal classes or anything. I cant fault the care I received during my labour which I'm extremely grateful for given the recent news. But once DD was born, I felt sort of... abandoned?

I'm sure this is a pretty standard tale, but I was wheeled down to the post natal ward and just left there. They said DH had to go because of covid rules which I understand but I pretty much cried that entire first night and nobody checked on me despite the fact that I was meant to be having my high blood pressure monitored every 2 hours. Even though I was delighted that DD was here I still feel quite sad thinking back to how overwhelmed and lonely I was that first night.

After we came home, the HV came a few times to weigh her but after a few weeks she said she would come again when DD was 1 unless we needed anything.

Obviously she had her vaccinations and I tried to ask the nurse a few questions I had but she was quite dismissive.

I'm probably being over the top, but it's just felt like going through this massive change with absolutely no help whatsoever, other than google, no way of telling whether my baby is doing okay or not? My mum said when she had me the HV would come every month and they monitored mine and her progress very closely.

AIBU to think in a country like the UK we could do better for new mums?

I disagree. I think there is plenty. I think where support is lacking is for parents of teens. There is literally nothing. Enough is being spent on early years, funding needs to focus on the teenage years now.

The HV service has been decimated in recent years sadly. When I trained in 2014, we easily had 3x as many HVs as what we do now. Clinics and development checks all done by support workers in our area now. HVs probably spend about 80% of their time dealing with child protection, safeguarding, Looked After children now. It's sadly less of an early intervention service now and more of a fire fighting, reactive service. Its so sad and all the HVs I know feel awful that we cannot provide the same service we used to.

Op I do know what you mean
There’s nothing in person here the only thing I’ve found is Pregnancy Yoga and they’re in the day so I’m working and can’t really attend ! They’re £10 a session as well for an hour and not much opportunity to chat except before and after and most people scurry off after.

There’s no ante natal, no in person hypnobirthing, no in person NCT it’s online and I’m not paying nearly £300 to zoom with strangers it’s just not the same ! I did a free breastfeeding advice zoom the other day the lady was saying how they used to do it at the hospital and you’d get tea and biscuits and a tour of the labour ward but they’d stopped it and she didn’t think they’d restart any time soon. Just wasn’t the same learning about latches and things via zoom.

@AwkwardPaws27

And I feel pretty crap already about not having any friends with babies. Most of our friends have made it clear they can't think of anything worse than having kids, and I barely see anyone as I've been trying to avoid getting covid again.

Maybe I should do NCT. Bit worried I'll spend £270 on it & still not make any friends though!

Our nct was very much and a miss not a hit. If its virtual especially dont bother

@AwkwardPaws27 where in the country are you? Wondering if you could get in touch with your nearest children’s center and ask what they have on. Sometimes you have to pester and ask but they might have something useful. When baby is here also Google sling libraries or sling meet ups - near me there is one (well it’s about 8 miles away but I’d be willing to drive) and it’s like a coffee morning and you can take slings to try. I’m not even into the idea of slings but it might be good to just go to. There may be something like that near you?

@Blueeyedgirl21 outskirts of London. I've contacted the children's centre already, they have a parents to be group but it's midweek, midmorning so will try and go for a couple of sessions once mat leave starts.
Sling library closed during covid and isn't reopening.
Found a nappy library a few boroughs away but it's hire only, did a talk with them over zoom & will hire but no support groups in person.
Children's centre said they'll contact me with more info - the website is v out of date so hard to find info on what groups actually still run.
I've found a local mums group on Facebook, the twee names of the groups put me off initially but they seem to do a lot of buggy walks etc so will give it a try

@Qw3rk13 Totally agree there should be support for parents of teenagers. When my youngest was a baby, my dh was in hospital for a few days. Nothing serious but it was stressful. HV rang several times and offered support, home visits etc.

When my 12 year old attempted suicide (ended up in resus, hdu etc so really serious) I had a couple of phonecalls from school asking how he was and 2 appointments from camhs. No support for me. I wasn't even allowed into the hospital because of covid. DH went in with him because he is the calm one and I was left to try and look after our other dc.

@Qw3rk13

I disagree. I think there is plenty. I think where support is lacking is for parents of teens. There is literally nothing. Enough is being spent on early years, funding needs to focus on the teenage years now.

That's interesting. I've found the teen years have been harder on my mental health than the newborn stage ever was!

Yep, a lot of crap HV out there. One told me to stop breastfeeding at 6 months because it was "not good for the baby" (her words). Complete rubbish, up to two years is recommended by WHO. And no real checking how I am. Just disdain and bad advice.

Do you live rurally? In London there are so many resources to new mums. So it's not a UK wide issue I don't think.

From the first day home, I bunged ds in the pram and took him to the children’s centre across the road, where they welcomed us, painted his feet and stamped them around a Mother’s Day poem (which I still cherish) and set up cushions so I could breastfeed and chat to other mums, who told me how to manage my week: children’s centre on Mondays, rhyme time at the library on Tuesdays, back to cc on Wednesdays , church group on Thursdays, baby weigh in on Fridays.

I am forever grateful to that children’s centre for what it revealed to me about my son, and for being a place where I could ask questions - they spotted that my son was ill the day before he came out with chicken pox, for example.

The children’s centre has now closed down. It closed before the pandemic. The council still pay for the empty building, but the staff were redeployed. Baby weigh ins didn’t come back after the pandemic.

I now have dd (7mo) and there is nothing. Nobody gets their baby weighed round here. There are groups like baby sensory, but they are poor quality and not run by professionals. I paid my £50 and never went back after the first one.

But, @WestminsterCrabby , there did used to be Sure Start and children’s centres, and a multiagency service that joined up health and development for baby with social services, Ed Psyches, SALTs, food banks even the rep for oral hygiene from the council.

This country was getting to a place where it did provide well for new mothers. We let it go.

@Spearpeas this is what worries me. We should have had our first baby before covid but I miscarried. I'd looked up stuff to do locally, support, baby groups etc and there was lots going on, clearly communicated.
Now I'm looking and a lot of the stuff hasn't resurfaced after lockdowns. The children's centre don't advertise what they are running anymore; I had to email them, complete a registration form and I'm waiting for them to contact me with info on current activities. Before, you could be at a loose end and just search online and see what was going on that week/day.
Even planning for birth - one week I'm told the birth centre is closed for the next 4-6 weeks, a week later I'm told its open again but it could close if staffing drops again... its all very uncertain.

Labours Surestart scheme was very good for new mums and right up to primary age - I believe the Tory’s got rid of it?? Same with Connexions for late teens — if I was labour I would campaign to bring them back in.

[quote elliejjtiny]@Qw3rk13 Totally agree there should be support for parents of teenagers. When my youngest was a baby, my dh was in hospital for a few days. Nothing serious but it was stressful. HV rang several times and offered support, home visits etc.

When my 12 year old attempted suicide (ended up in resus, hdu etc so really serious) I had a couple of phonecalls from school asking how he was and 2 appointments from camhs. No support for me. I wasn't even allowed into the hospital because of covid. DH went in with him because he is the calm one and I was left to try and look after our other dc.[/quote]
But you're not comparing like with like. As this thread says very clearly, you wouldn't get the level of support you got when your youngest was a baby now. It isn't that we prioritise babies over teens, it's that the whole system is falling apart and no one is getting much support at all. I think in that context trying to pit the parents of teens against the parents of babies as if one is stealing resources from the other is really unhelpful.

My DD is 16. Two things that really helped me was a 6 week course at a local health centre - we did a different topic every week eg weaning. It’s was when babies were 4 ish months old. I also used to go to a cheap baby massage run by HV at a sure start - they answered questions eg dd had a tiny birthmark and they checked it.

There was very little when my kids were babies. That is still way more than what is available for teens which is nothing, nothing. Not a penny and literally zero support or advice.There is a mental health crisis, they suffered far more during the pandemic and are having to cope with so much- social media, grooming, drugs, isolation, exam pressure….. the list is endless. Any spare cash at all needs to head their way. You’ll see when you get there. It’s a disgrace.

Sadly there is no spare cash so reality is when there is some it needs to be prioritised and I really do think teens are a priority. It is a false economy not to invest in them. The fallout on services is huge.

YANBU I don’t think it’s good enough, my DD is 4 and born by EMCS , discharged the next day, no one even noticed we were leaving, midwife came next day and she was nice then HV I think the day after and that was it pretty much, I could barely walk and had to go see a midwife on day 10 but how are you meant to do that if you are a single mum?
I never had any check ups after the c section even though the consultant had requested it and when I got an infection the GP looked disgusted by it and I had to buy my own dressings!

Shocking really, luckily I had a husband and my MH was good otherwise I don’t know what you’d do!

@TrippinEdBalls, sorry, I wasn't trying to say that babies are being prioritised over teens. Just agreeing that teens don't get any support either. I absolutely agree that parents of babies need more support than they do now. The support that was available to me as a new mum in 2014 should still be happening now, to parents of new babies and also parents of toddlers, older children and teenagers.

@elliejjtiny Wow, that sounds amazing and so unlike my experience.
I gave birth at the height of lockdown #1. No ante natal classes. DH had to leave a couple of hours after the birth and wasn't allowed in the post natal ward. I went home the next day after a C section (didn't mind that so much as the post natal ward was so hot and noisy). Phone check ups only until day 5, during which time I was out of my mind with worry...we were totally alone, no visitors allowed, no baby groups, DH and I both had no prior experience with babies.
I was completely out of my depth with BFing. They kept reassuring me that everything was fine, because on paper it seemed to be going well.
Then when a midwife finally came to see us in person on day 5 we were whisked off to hospital straight away as DD had lost so much weight and was in a deep, hunger-induced sleep, barely waking up at all. Had to go under the lamp for jaundice, while I had a mini breakdown...I was so sleep deprived and stressed I couldn't remember how to do things like unzip my bag or wash a cup.
Individually, most the staff were lovely and kind, they did their best given the circumstances, but I never spoke to the same person twice and so had to keep explaining the same things over and over, to each new person I dealt with. It was exhausting and stressful.
I don't think we saw the health visitor until week 2. Then barely after that and a lot was done by phone.

I totally hear you OP! I know the Covid situation couldn't be helped, but what I couldn't get over was that at a time when pubs and restaurants were reopening, and people were allowed to travel around to view houses, the HVs and BF co-ordinators still weren't allowed to do home visits. It really felt like mums and babies were bottom of the pile when it came to the government's priorities. We muddled through somehow but I've had to delete the photos of DDs first days, as I can't bear to remember that time.

I agree.

So many women have post natal injuries and issues with abdominal separation and pelvic floor. There should be proper physio support not just a 3 minute appointment with a GP.