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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family putting pressure on my to take Covid tests

128 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 06/04/2022 20:54

And it's really bothering me!
I've been really response throughout the whole pandemic. I plodded along following all the advice as it came and went whilst trying to get on with my life. I've always been respectful to my mum as she has major health anxiety so the pandemic has been a big worry for her.
Anyway, couple weeks ago my whole family incl sister and her household caught Covid yet me and my sons and my dad didn't (we live with my mum and dad currently). I don't know how or why we didn't catch it, who knows! But anyway, my mum dealt with it like a trouper and I'm super proud of her. It was a massive thing for her to overcome and I would rather she get it mildly and I have it harsh over and over again for her (if that was ever an option!!). ANYWAY now the rules have relaxed and my mums had her jabs and got her natural immunity she cannot let Covid go. She still wears her mask and tests herself (each to their own!!) but I'm getting bothered by her trying to enforce this on me. I have a cold atm. I tested myself a couple days ago and again today and it's negative, it's just a cold. I'm happy to test when I'm unwell but my mum is really putting pressure on me to test every day and if I don't I'm selfish because I'm not thinking of my dad or her to catch it again!! My mums not a bad person, she's had cancer a good few years ago and she's anxious... but.... I also think of myself and how unhealthy I think it is to obsessively test. It makes me feel paranoid and worried. And given that life is moving forward, I want to too! I feel like I darent even mention feeling unwell now, and that's not fair.
Would you guys just keep testing to help your mum with her anxiety even if it ment every single day, or would you do what I've done which is test when you feel necessary.

We've had a fall out tonight over this. She doesn't see things from my perspective.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 07/04/2022 09:38

Slightly off topic but I have just been able to order lat flow tests from the .gov site. (I have a very poorly mother in law so test before seeing her). When are they due to stop? To be honest, I just tried out of interest as I thought they had already stopped.

Mariposista · 07/04/2022 09:42

@Wednesdayafternoon

Guys I've said many MANY of times that my mum had health anxiety long before she had cancer. Please stop saying "she had cancer" being the reason why she's so worried because it isn't. She has always been fearful of illnesses and she would tell you think herself. I'm not hear to downplay what my mum has been through but her health anxiety is much more then that illness she had.

Like I've said I will continue to test, I was just wanted to know if you guys felt it was justified to test every couple of days instead or testing multiple times a day.

I will continue to test when I'm unwell but I just personally don't think this puts her mind at ease. It's a quick fix to get some reassurance when actually many of you have told me that you got positive tests days after being unwel so obsessively testing seems to not really do anyone any good!

I think people are being hard on you. This constant testing is jot helping your mum, it’s validating her fear. One test, fine. But constantly testing will make her feel better for 5 minutes until the next time she gets hysterical. Your relationship cannot depend on a red line or lack of on a test. Anxiety is horrible but your mum has been offered MH health which she has refused. The ball is therefore in her court to do something about her anxiety. If refuses professional help, she can’t complain when people get on with behaviours that may trigger her hysteria. You sound like you have put up with a lot OP and I support you
OutlookStalking · 07/04/2022 09:45

But she's living in her house? If living elsewhere you can of course decide what you will and wont do but to be ill and potentially have covid in her mums house is a different kettle of fish.

If she didnt want to test and was living elsewhere mum would then have to decide whether to meet up or not but thats fine!

JustSmallFry · 07/04/2022 09:47

I knew I had Covid (was stuck at home with DH who was positive) but it still took 3 days with symptoms for me to get a positive test. Just do the test(s)

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 09:48

@Mariposista thank you, I really do appreciate your comment!
I totally agree with what you have said. I love my mum dearly but I don't think this obsession with testing makes her happy at all and it's certainly stressing me out too so I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 09:50

@OutlookStalking

Its not really her place to decide whether or not it alleviates her mums worry. Its her mums health, her mum's decision, her mums house and OP is staying there.

Of course if OP finds her mum too much she can stay elsewhere and that may be a plan for the future. But to stay there and tell her mum her views are invalid and not test when she is ill and could have covid is truly unkind when asked to do so.

Please don't put words in my mouth. I've never ever once said my mums feelings are invalid and I would never. What you have said is completely false and I take great offence by you saying that. If you're going to just make up something then please go to another thread as that's not welcome here.
OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 09:51

@OutlookStalking

I dont think OP really wants to hear any views other than her own. The majority here have said, oP is stayinh in her mums house, her mum has had cancer and is anxious, so of course if asked to test when ill OP should! I have had a cold and tested daily in case it happened to be covid .
And if you filter all of my comments I have said I will continue testing and thanks for your views so why have you made this assumption?
OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 09:53

@PurpleDaisies

If she had heath anxiety before, actually having cancer will likely have put rocket fuel underneath it.
And I don't deny this at all. I do everything I can to help my mum but I'm not a therapist and I feel I'm feeding into her anxiety by the obsessive attitude towards it.
OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 07/04/2022 10:08

@Wednesdayafternoon

And it's really bothering me! I've been really response throughout the whole pandemic. I plodded along following all the advice as it came and went whilst trying to get on with my life. I've always been respectful to my mum as she has major health anxiety so the pandemic has been a big worry for her. Anyway, couple weeks ago my whole family incl sister and her household caught Covid yet me and my sons and my dad didn't (we live with my mum and dad currently). I don't know how or why we didn't catch it, who knows! But anyway, my mum dealt with it like a trouper and I'm super proud of her. It was a massive thing for her to overcome and I would rather she get it mildly and I have it harsh over and over again for her (if that was ever an option!!). ANYWAY now the rules have relaxed and my mums had her jabs and got her natural immunity she cannot let Covid go. She still wears her mask and tests herself (each to their own!!) but I'm getting bothered by her trying to enforce this on me. I have a cold atm. I tested myself a couple days ago and again today and it's negative, it's just a cold. I'm happy to test when I'm unwell but my mum is really putting pressure on me to test every day and if I don't I'm selfish because I'm not thinking of my dad or her to catch it again!! My mums not a bad person, she's had cancer a good few years ago and she's anxious... but.... I also think of myself and how unhealthy I think it is to obsessively test. It makes me feel paranoid and worried. And given that life is moving forward, I want to too! I feel like I darent even mention feeling unwell now, and that's not fair. Would you guys just keep testing to help your mum with her anxiety even if it ment every single day, or would you do what I've done which is test when you feel necessary.

We've had a fall out tonight over this. She doesn't see things from my perspective.

You live in her home.

If you don't like the rules, move out.

ChairCareOh · 07/04/2022 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Mariposista · 07/04/2022 10:17

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@Mariposista thank you, I really do appreciate your comment!
I totally agree with what you have said. I love my mum dearly but I don't think this obsession with testing makes her happy at all and it's certainly stressing me out too so I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong![/quote]
Is there anyone else you could talk to who could ultimately help your mum take herself in hand and deal with her issues. Sometimes a third party can put a new perspective on it. Her issues obviously run very deep. I totally see that you love her and want to help her, but her behaviour now is not healthy, and is damaging not only her own fragile MH, but is slowly trashing her relationships with other people, including you and your kids. And it won't only be family that she will alienate from. Is it fair that her grandchildren come to think of her as the 'covid obsessor' rather than a loving granny who gives them lots of hugs and plays games with them? Perhaps another family member or one of her close friends? Even her GP? She needs help. Her feelings are not invalid - TO HER. To the rest of the world they are damaging. By testing, and insisting on tests, she feels better for that moment, only until the next time, and unless she breaks that cycle, she is going to land herself in trouble- At the end of the day people's patience will run out.
I know a woman (probably younger than your mum) who was the same. Obsessed with covid. She found out the brother of one of her son's friends had covid, and she tried to make her own son (16) stay in his room for 10 days. During the night of day 1, he escaped through the window and went to his dad's house, and he has not come back. He says he loves her but won't forgive her for wrecking a part of his adolescence over covid. Obsessions are dangerous, and damage relationships. Good luck OP - I'd have gone mad ages ago and probably lost my temper haha!

Chely · 07/04/2022 10:19

She needs to get help with the anxiety

ifonly4 · 07/04/2022 10:20

Her house, so if you want to live there, you'll have to live by her rules. If you really can't get any LFTs yourself, then ask her to get some in for you in case they're needed.

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2022 10:29

It would be good to get help with the anxiety. I can’t see why a reasonable compromise can’t be reached while the op is there though. The op tests once a day while she has symptoms and then once or twice a week after that. All tests to be provided by the mum. No engagement with any discussion of extra testing beyond what’s been agreed.

MargosKaftan · 07/04/2022 10:35

OP - I have read your post that your mum has already had covid when the rest of the household got it, is that correct?

If so, her fear isn't all that rational and pretty much noone has it worse the 2nd time than the first. You having a cold could be worse than covid for her to catch if she had it mildly the 1st time!

Testing multiple times isn't helping her anxiety- its just feeding it. You've tested, its negative. You have a cold. She can decide how she feels about the risk to her health of catching the cold, but multiple tests for covid isn't rational, and pandering to irrational behaviour doesn't help.

The covid lockdowns and rules have given a false idea illness can be avoided.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 10:40

@Mariposista so I have had cbt therapy and counciling via minds matters following in from my trauma from my ex. It's been a massive help to me, even just having someone to talk to. Maybe because I've been through this I can see things that my mum does which could change and would help her so much! I've suggested she contacts mindsatters but she isn't willing to change. She thinks she has it under control. I try and subtly show her what I'm taught and she does take it in but obviously I'm not a therapist.

I think a lot of people on this thread need to understand how heartbreaking it is for me to see my mum so controlled by her own anxiety. I feel like I've lost part of my mum as she's got older because she does become consumed by it. When I made this thread I was upset about the testing but now I'm thinking more I'm more upset with how my mum struggles and to me I don't see how testing makes her happy. I wish that she didn't carry the weight of this on her shoulders. It's not as simple as taking a test.

We also don't have rules in our relationship. I'm absolutely respectful to my parents and my family too, it's our home but their house yes I get this. But our relationship isn't gouverned by rules and it won't be like that with me and my sons either. If you all wish to have rules in your house then that's fine but the "her house her rules" is abit tiring.

OP posts:
Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2022 10:43

I think you are correct to keep testing because remember when you yourself were in a vulnerable position you parents took you in with children and a partner and thats not easy.Didvyour mother dismiss your fears of being in an abusive relationship back then,obviously not when she took you in but not alone did you land on her doorstep with your children you brought a partner into the mix also.Why can you and your new partner not get your own place? Maybe your choice of parthers is not great,fair enough to be back home with the children but you are very unreasonable to have expected them to take him in.Your parents deserve a life and they already reared their own family and now crowded out

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 10:51

@Hollywolly1 what made you think I have a new partner? Not that it's relevant to you but I don't.
I've lived with my parents for a long time as me and my ex lived here as it's a very large house with lots of spare rooms and we've always contributed our way whilst we tried to save and they suggested this and we're happy with this.
So I didn't land on anyone's doorstep and now I'm a single mum on a low income I'm finding it hard to finically get my head above water and also recovering and trying to get in a. Better headspace with therapy etc as stated in previous posts.
Doesn't mean I'm not trying my hardest but thanks for the judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 10:52

@Hollywolly1 also crowds out?!
You literally have no idea of our set up, what an ignorant comment!!

OP posts:
Mariposista · 07/04/2022 10:57

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@Mariposista so I have had cbt therapy and counciling via minds matters following in from my trauma from my ex. It's been a massive help to me, even just having someone to talk to. Maybe because I've been through this I can see things that my mum does which could change and would help her so much! I've suggested she contacts mindsatters but she isn't willing to change. She thinks she has it under control. I try and subtly show her what I'm taught and she does take it in but obviously I'm not a therapist.

I think a lot of people on this thread need to understand how heartbreaking it is for me to see my mum so controlled by her own anxiety. I feel like I've lost part of my mum as she's got older because she does become consumed by it. When I made this thread I was upset about the testing but now I'm thinking more I'm more upset with how my mum struggles and to me I don't see how testing makes her happy. I wish that she didn't carry the weight of this on her shoulders. It's not as simple as taking a test.

We also don't have rules in our relationship. I'm absolutely respectful to my parents and my family too, it's our home but their house yes I get this. But our relationship isn't gouverned by rules and it won't be like that with me and my sons either. If you all wish to have rules in your house then that's fine but the "her house her rules" is abit tiring.[/quote]
You and I would get on very well! I also had counselling for a short time for control issues, but not health related - I became obsessed over keeping my finances safe after having money stolen from me a few yeas ago. I was checking my bank account and letter box up to 6 times a day, and it made me feel better for that short while, until the next time. Your mum is the same! Test, feel better, life goes on, until the next time. And it is exhausting, and life is certainly not happy. Your mum desperately needs help, and it is no good her thinking it's under control as it clearly is not - look what she is asking you to do - that isn't normal.
I totally feel you are losing your mum - you must have wonderful memories of her when she wasn't like this. Menopause has a lot to do with anxiety - several of my mum's friends are unrecognisable. But there are options and this does not have to be her future unless she chooses it to be so. And sadly, if she does, her future will be lonely and anxious. Does she have a best friend or someone you can get on board to help her take that first step? And show her that MH treatment is not at all for mad people, the mind is a body part that can require treatment just like a broken arm would.
I don't post a lot, but being close to my own mum, I can imagine how sad you must be that your relationship is suffering, just because of covid. If it were because of something serious, like your kids trashing her house each day, I'd get it...but covid??? Not worth losing a good mother-daughter bond over. You sound like a great daughter, unlike what most of the people here are saying.

luckylavender · 07/04/2022 10:59

@Theunamedcat

Free tests have ended so how is she getting them
She could buy them
Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2022 11:29

If she wants you to test just test and no matter how big the house is you are still under her roof.She had cancer so doesn't matter how long ago if she feels vulnerable and with children in the house as well its an added risk to her

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/04/2022 12:19

[quote Robin233]@Sharrowgirl

Well, I’m going to go against the grain here. Testing twice a day is obsessive behaviour and a product of her severe anxiety, rather than any sensible reason. By going along with it, you’re just fuelling the problem. She’s only satisfied for a few hours I’m guessing, and then the urge to test again creeps back in?

I’d be encouraging her to get some treatment for her anxiety, with the aim of being able to live a normal life without this obsessive fear ruling over her.
^^^^
THIS.
I had CTB 6 years ago.
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.
Did it through a works scheme.
I was also resistant but my boss was 'insistent'
If you're mum won't help herself she's using this anxiety for some reason - and being a tad self centred.
It certainly is obsessive behaviour- you are correct.
To panda to her is to become an enabler. [/quote]
But have you had cancer?

Robin233 · 07/04/2022 17:42

@Sugarplumfairy65
Eh yes - but they caught it in time.
Not sure why that's relevant.
Anxiety is anxiety
Someone who is anxious will always find something ti worry about.
It doesn't matter how many problems you solve , they will always be something.
It's old programming , which needs reprogramming.
CBT can do this.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 19:39

@Hollywolly1

If she wants you to test just test and no matter how big the house is you are still under her roof.She had cancer so doesn't matter how long ago if she feels vulnerable and with children in the house as well its an added risk to her
I've said multiple times on this thread that my mums health anxiety existed long before she had cancer. I've known her for over 30 years. This isn't a direct result of her cancer. I've also requested a few times on this thread for my mums cancer to not be brought up but it seems that you're not reading the comments so I don't know why I'm bothering to reply to you tbh.
OP posts: