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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family putting pressure on my to take Covid tests

128 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 06/04/2022 20:54

And it's really bothering me!
I've been really response throughout the whole pandemic. I plodded along following all the advice as it came and went whilst trying to get on with my life. I've always been respectful to my mum as she has major health anxiety so the pandemic has been a big worry for her.
Anyway, couple weeks ago my whole family incl sister and her household caught Covid yet me and my sons and my dad didn't (we live with my mum and dad currently). I don't know how or why we didn't catch it, who knows! But anyway, my mum dealt with it like a trouper and I'm super proud of her. It was a massive thing for her to overcome and I would rather she get it mildly and I have it harsh over and over again for her (if that was ever an option!!). ANYWAY now the rules have relaxed and my mums had her jabs and got her natural immunity she cannot let Covid go. She still wears her mask and tests herself (each to their own!!) but I'm getting bothered by her trying to enforce this on me. I have a cold atm. I tested myself a couple days ago and again today and it's negative, it's just a cold. I'm happy to test when I'm unwell but my mum is really putting pressure on me to test every day and if I don't I'm selfish because I'm not thinking of my dad or her to catch it again!! My mums not a bad person, she's had cancer a good few years ago and she's anxious... but.... I also think of myself and how unhealthy I think it is to obsessively test. It makes me feel paranoid and worried. And given that life is moving forward, I want to too! I feel like I darent even mention feeling unwell now, and that's not fair.
Would you guys just keep testing to help your mum with her anxiety even if it ment every single day, or would you do what I've done which is test when you feel necessary.

We've had a fall out tonight over this. She doesn't see things from my perspective.

OP posts:

Maisa45 · 06/04/2022 22:39

I would refuse. I appreciate your Mum has been through a lot but she's going to have to get over the irrational covid fear eventually.

underneaththeash · 06/04/2022 22:39

Lots of my friends have been really unwell recently with COVID and yes it's their house and also your parents so surely you want them not to get unwell?

Mariposista · 06/04/2022 22:44

@Maisa45

I would refuse. I appreciate your Mum has been through a lot but she's going to have to get over the irrational covid fear eventually.

Exactly or risk permanently damaging the relationship

ladyflower23 · 06/04/2022 22:46

The continual testing will not actually be reassuring her it will be reinforcing her anxiety. I think asking you to test if you have cold symptoms is fair enough, but ongoing daily testing is damaging to everyone's mental health.

PurpleDaisies · 06/04/2022 22:48

Isn’t the op only being asked to test daily because of these cold symptoms? I would agree to test daily if tests were provided for that reason. Generally I’d probably compromise on one or two tests a week.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 07/04/2022 03:51

Ongoing daily testing damages mental health? Christ, there's some utter rot written on here, isn't there?

You can catch Covid again and again. Your mum has had cancer. She feels vulnerable in her own home. I'd test whenever she wants because the virus hasn't gone away.

Or just move out instead of respecting her requests to help keep her safe.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2022 04:05

She has the right to feel in control in her own home. She can’t do anything about the outside world, but yes, it is her house and she is perfectly within her rights to set the rules. You can say it’s not that kind of arrangement, but there is a conflict, she always wins.

Negotiation and compromise are good for creating happy households and that is typically better for everyone, but when consensus can’t be reached easily, these situations convert to a dictatorship.

Saltyquiche · 07/04/2022 04:11

I’d test before seeing her but otherwise wouldn’t bother unless symptomatic

Sushi7 · 07/04/2022 04:27

You tested once and you were negative. That is enough. Unless you develop symptoms there’s no need to test again. Testing everyday or even every week is excessive.

FluffMagnet · 07/04/2022 04:54

Repeated checking is a big issue with anxiety, and as you have already found, checking in itself does not help the anxiety, but just encourages further checking. If she has anxiety, she does not need you pandering to her (also it is likely to cause you anxiety too). If you already live with her and already have had cold symptoms for several days, then by the time you test positive (if it is indeed Covid), you are likely to have already passed it on to other family members. Therefore her obsessive checking of you will not have benefitted her, will it? I'm sure you can find resources about GAD online that can help you structure a conversation with her, teasing out the root of her anxiety and how her attempts to control your actions in testing are not ultimately not going to help her stay free of Covid. Also press her again to seek professional help - explain how it is affecting you and your health. She's probably in denial of the scale of the problem (as I know i was).

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/04/2022 05:03

It's your parents home, regardless of your reasons for staying there. Your mum has health anxiety and has had cancer, she's asking you simply to daily test because you have a cold, it's not a big ask at all. Yes she needs to look At ways to cope with her anxiety, but whilst you're ill, you should be doing as she's requested. I wouldn't be thrilled if my parents asked me to do daily testing but I'd do it if I lived with them, no question.

cookiemonster2468 · 07/04/2022 05:15

@Wednesdayafternoon

Thanks all! Good to hear others opinions. Maybe I just needed a rant!

For those telling me to "move out" so bluntly you literally have zero idea with I live at my parents, but after being in an abusive marriage and being walked out on during my pregnancy I need the support of my family and they are more then happy to have us! I'm not going to move out over taking a Covid test, bit dramatic hey?!

We don't have the relationship of "my house my rules" it's very much our home which we all contribute to but I'm very respectful of my family and I think that's more then evident in my units post!

If you need the support of your family and they are letting you live in their house, then surely the least you can do is help ease your mum's anxiety by testing.

Covid is rife at the moment. Last time I looked, 1 in 13 people had it in the UK. That's massive.

Everyone is sick to death of Covid but unfortunately that doesn't mean it has gone away, and your mum is vulnerable so understandable she's worried.

Hiddenvoice · 07/04/2022 05:24

I have health anxiety and for a while I was really nervous about testing because I was worried about the outcome. It was hard to explain this to others and I know I was being irrational.
Your mum is worried, she won’t just be worried for herself but for you. As others have said you can be negative but then test positive later in the day. For the sake of when you feel unwell I’d just test daily but explain when you feel better you won’t be testing daily.
You say she now has a covid immunity but really that means nothing. Some people have become more unwell the second or third time they’ve caught it

ittakes2 · 07/04/2022 05:59

Your approach sounds sensible but since you are living in her house you need to respect her wishes or move out.

DockOTheBay · 07/04/2022 06:04

@Aprilx

I do not have health anxiety, I am in the camp of glad to see things returning to normal. But if I had cold symptoms and somebody I lived with was vulnerable and wanted me to test, then I would test. And yes test again a couple of days later if I still have symptoms.

OP has done this. Her issue is with being asked to test daily.

DockOTheBay · 07/04/2022 06:05

@Saltyquiche

I’d test before seeing her but otherwise wouldn’t bother unless symptomatic

They live in the same house.

RichTeaRichTea · 07/04/2022 06:11

How long after you have taken a test is she asking you to do another one?

You are right that testing all the time doesn’t seem to alleviate anxiety, whether her anxiety is justified or not in terms of health.

carefullycourageous · 07/04/2022 06:17

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@carefullycourageous
I'm being a pain in the ass because I have my own opinion?
I've said many times on this thread that I have taken the test and I'm negative and I've also said that I've never refused.
When my mym had Covid I tested twice daily for ten days because she was worried and it absolutely drained me to the ground as it triggered my own anxiety and it's not mentally healthy to be obsessing over it that much!
But hey if you think that me having an opinion which my mym doesn't share, regardless of the fact that I've done what she wanted, then you have that opinion![/quote]
You asked for opinions. My opinion is you're being difficult towards your mum. In your situation I would test because testing would not upset me.

But now what you're discussing is your own anxiety, which is a different issue.

How you manage the fact that testing affects your mental health is a different question.

stayathomer · 07/04/2022 06:25

Covid obviously affected your mum badly/worse than you all thought (I still have chest pains from covid a year and a half ago) and I'm getting fed up of hearing covid is over as actually I've never heard of so many people feeling horrendous with it at the moment and we won't know for years the long term damage to our lungs with it. Saying that you test when you're sick. We were obsessed with not getting covid with three immunosuppressed people in the house but we never tested daily. You need to talk to her but not in a 'you're acting crazy' or 'but covid is gone!' way, more in a 'this is what I'm already doing and I do want to look out for you but I can't do that' way

Original poster

Wednesdayafternoon · 07/04/2022 06:47

Guys with respect I know my mum had cancer, you keep posting this. It was an absolute helish and frightening time for the whole family. I was only young when I thought my mum was going to die. You're pointing it out like I've been dismissive of it which I haven't. I worry about my mums cancer returning all the time, she tells me almost daily that she thinks she has a different type of cancer. It's really stressful. Please stop with the "your mum had cancer". Yes I know. But cancer doesn't define my mum.

If my mum or anyone else I know wants me to test them I will do it, but I've made the decision that I'm not wrong for it making me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Musicaltheatremum · 07/04/2022 07:02

I would be daily testing if I had a cold. Covid is very like a cold in its early stages and my partner didn't test positive until day 4....had he tested on day 3 &5 he'd have missed the day he became positive. He actually went for a PCR on day 3 which was positive and was interested to see when his LFT went positive. I'm in Scotland so still have testing for a few weeks yet.

Sharrowgirl · 07/04/2022 07:22

Well, I’m going to go against the grain here. Testing twice a day is obsessive behaviour and a product of her severe anxiety, rather than any sensible reason. By going along with it, you’re just fuelling the problem. She’s only satisfied for a few hours I’m guessing, and then the urge to test again creeps back in?

I’d be encouraging her to get some treatment for her anxiety, with the aim of being able to live a normal life without this obsessive fear ruling over her.

Yamyam13 · 07/04/2022 07:29

My mum is similar.

She is a hypochondriac, so Covid has been a nightmare.
On top of that, my Dad, for whom she was already a full time carer, has been diagnosed with cancer in the last year & had been undergoing treatment for it during covid, so she's been very strung out with it all. Understandably.
So we are quite hyper vigilant in the family and happily comply with testing routine obviously.
But, I can totally understand you wanting to draw a line somewhere and feeling like it's time to move on from daily testing, for the sake of one's mental health. If there were no vulnerabilities to consider, I would feel similarly.
BUT, if you have a cold or any symptoms, I would say YABU as that IS the time to continue to test as it's such a common story to hear of people not testing positive for a while, esp at the moment when we are at a huge peak.
And if you are living with your folks, and they would be more comfortable with daily testing, then maybe it is a case of their house, their rules?

Do you have children? Because I do draw the line at testing children constantly unless symptomatic. I really worry about the impact on their mental health.

Robin233 · 07/04/2022 07:34

@Sharrowgirl

I’d be encouraging her to get some treatment for her anxiety, with the aim of being able to live a normal life without this obsessive fear ruling over her.
^^^^
THIS.
I had CTB 6 years ago.
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.
Did it through a works scheme.
I was also resistant but my boss was 'insistent'
If you're mum won't help herself she's using this anxiety for some reason - and being a tad self centred.
It certainly is obsessive behaviour- you are correct.
To panda to her is to become an enabler.

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2022 07:46

I think if you have a cold you need to test as you and your family are living with your parents to be fair to them.I know you say you contribute but it is their house especially as she had cancer previously as well.I think yabu tbh,you really should give them space

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