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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's comments about another baby

122 replies

Tulalalala · 06/04/2022 18:32

Me and DH were having the conversation recently about more DC. I wouldn't have minded another, he didn't (although he won't even consider getting a vasectomy Hmm) but anyway, that's fine we've agreed no more.

However one comment keeps sticking with me.

Whilst we were talking be kept insisting if we ever did end up with another baby he would leave and not have anything to do with "it", even said at one point he'd jump off a bridge...

Anyway, this is not about him not wanting more DC, I have accepted that and it's fine. But I feel a bit pissed off about his other comments. Of course I'm not planning an accident and it likely will not happen but it makes me sad and annoyed to know if that ever did happen, he thinks he'd fuck off and not be there.

Anyway, AIBU to think this is pretty shit?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 06/04/2022 20:54

And is he genuinely saying that he will jump off a bridge?

One of the posts here (if it hasnt been removed after being reported) talks of taking a 'hammer to his balls'

Do you think that is a genuine suggestion as well? Or do you think that sometimes people say things for dramatic effect, no matter how clumsy or unfunny that might be.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 06/04/2022 20:56

The OP said...

"Whilst we were talking be kept insisting if we ever did end up with another baby he would leave and not have anything to do with "it", even said at one point he'd jump off a bridge..."

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 06/04/2022 20:59

Threatening to jump off a bridge whilst discussing the potential conception of a child is not a joke in my opinion, it's pretty manipulative. Someone posting in response to a post isn't the same thing or even in the same league.

PurpleDaisies · 06/04/2022 21:00

What contraception are you using? Condoms are pretty effective if used properly.

He’s laid his cards on the table that he really doesn’t want more children. As long as he’s not expecting the op to manage their contraception, I don’t think there’s an issue there.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/04/2022 21:16

Does he get death in service in those circumstances?

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 06/04/2022 21:18

Everyone saying a vasectomy is just a little op it's not over 30% end up with some kind of complications from failure to chronic pain

mbosnz · 06/04/2022 21:20

It's certainly a lesser op than a woman having a sterilisation. And if he feels so strongly that he said he'd throw himself off a bridge if OP got pregnant, then that 30% seems relatively benign.

Goldbar · 06/04/2022 21:22

@Fluffycloudland77

Does he get death in service in those circumstances?
Grin. Slightly macabre, but you could always take out life insurance on him if you did accidentally get pregnant. You'd just need to check the terms quite carefully.
BulletTrain · 06/04/2022 21:22

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Everyone saying a vasectomy is just a little op it's not over 30% end up with some kind of complications from failure to chronic pain
Source please!

The failure rate is less than 1 in 2000. Infections is less than 2%.

www.bupa.co.uk/health-information/mens-health/vasectomy

Newestname002 · 06/04/2022 21:36

@Tulalalala

Whilst we were talking be kept insisting if we ever did end up with another baby he would leave and not have anything to do with "it", even said at one point he'd jump off a bridge...

Just a tad dramatic perhaps? As well as unfair and unsupportive to you? Especially as it takes two to make a baby.

If he's so adamant about no more children then, as other posters have said, the solution lies with him. 🌹

Katya213 · 06/04/2022 21:40

This happened to me and my husband really did leave. Walked out and haven’t seen him since my daughter was born six years ago.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 06/04/2022 21:42

@bullettrain just google it also a vasectomy can cause other long term issues such as cancer erectile disfunction, all over longer periods of time yes 1 in 2000 fail but 30 in a 100 end up with some form on complication there are 1000s of studies and none are 100% unfortunately I would never want to risk my dh being in pain or anything else so I just have a implant

IsabelHerna · 06/04/2022 21:45

Wow I would be sad, angry, disappointed, you know the whole emotional range, if my partner said something like this. Maybe it's like a bad, insensitive joke, but it still hurts. Talk to him.

BulletTrain · 06/04/2022 21:51

[quote Bubblesandsqueak1]@bullettrain just google it also a vasectomy can cause other long term issues such as cancer erectile disfunction, all over longer periods of time yes 1 in 2000 fail but 30 in a 100 end up with some form on complication there are 1000s of studies and none are 100% unfortunately I would never want to risk my dh being in pain or anything else so I just have a implant[/quote]
No I won't "just google it". Anyone can write any old shit on the internet.

I could tell you I saw a study that says 6% of implant users get ovarian cysts and 20% report constant nausea, weight gain and site infections.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/04/2022 22:05

No sex it is then

BOOTS52 · 06/04/2022 22:34

Chely your comment made me laugh so true.. He is being unreasonable and he should have a vasectomy as why should you keep having to take hormones and put your body through crap and if he does not want children then it is up to him to have the small op. Refuse to have sex with him until he does. He is not being fair at all and not right the comment he made if you did get pregnant again so up to him to now take a stand and do the right thing and have the op.

BOOTS52 · 06/04/2022 22:36

Bubbleandsqueak1 what about the risk of women during childbirth and what we have to go through. I know lots of men who have had them and there is never an issue but more of an ego issue it seems with this man. Why should she have to keep taking birth control that can cause blood clots and other hormonal issues. He is adamant he does not want any more children so he needs to have the op and to stop being such a whiny man child.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 06/04/2022 22:41

So he doesn't fancy a vasectomy but would leave you/rather die if you got pregnant.. fucking charming.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/04/2022 22:41

If he says this and won’t have a vasectomy, I wouldn’t be having sex with him. A kindness really as you don’t want him having to jump off a bus (has he got a bit confused there? Jump in front of a bus or off a bridge surely?)

Azerothi · 06/04/2022 22:47

He doesn't want another baby with you. He isn't closing the door on another baby with someone else.

PurpleDaisies · 06/04/2022 22:49

@Azerothi

He doesn't want another baby with you. He isn't closing the door on another baby with someone else.
Or he doesn’t want an op on his dick.
Original poster
Tulalalala · 06/04/2022 22:53

Thanks for the comments!

At the moment we aren't using anything but are doing things other than PIV sex. Actually in the moment it's him who always asks to do it (knowing there is no contraception) and I always say no.

I took the pill for many years (and have tried a few other types of contraception which were all horrid), and he doesn't see why I can't go back to that. Admittedly it didn't affect me that terribly but, quite honestly, I just cba with it anymore. I can't be arsed with the hormones, I can't be arsed with having to think about it every day and remember to take them, I can't be arsed going to collect them every X months, I can't be arsed with the spots etc.. I'm just done with it.

He says we can use condoms but then doesn't buy any. I could but I've been waiting to see if he actually makes any effort at all to do so himself.

The comment could have been overly dramatic for effect or to make his point that he really doesn't want another DC. But does it matter? I don't actually think he'd leave (at least not his existing DC who he dotes on) or kill himself. But the fact that he's said that just lets me know how much pressure I'd be under if that ever did happen, he's basically openly stated, even if melodramatically, that he would not be supportive if I were to accidentally get pregnant whilst simultaneously not doing the thing he can do to avoid it happening.

If I got pregnant accidentally (and I know it's not likely to happen but let's face it, it can and does), I wouldn't want to abort. But it's very clear I'd be under a lot of pressure to with comments like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalalala · 06/04/2022 22:54

@Azerothi

He doesn't want another baby with you. He isn't closing the door on another baby with someone else.
I honestly don't get this impression from him at all.
OP posts:
SmellyOldOwls · 06/04/2022 22:54

Well at least he's not stringing you along at least but yeah he needs to get the snip. Or not I guess because if you get pregnant again you'll have a lovely baby and he can run away if he wants.

SmellyOldOwls · 06/04/2022 22:57

@Tulalalala

Thanks for the comments!

At the moment we aren't using anything but are doing things other than PIV sex. Actually in the moment it's him who always asks to do it (knowing there is no contraception) and I always say no.

I took the pill for many years (and have tried a few other types of contraception which were all horrid), and he doesn't see why I can't go back to that. Admittedly it didn't affect me that terribly but, quite honestly, I just cba with it anymore. I can't be arsed with the hormones, I can't be arsed with having to think about it every day and remember to take them, I can't be arsed going to collect them every X months, I can't be arsed with the spots etc.. I'm just done with it.

He says we can use condoms but then doesn't buy any. I could but I've been waiting to see if he actually makes any effort at all to do so himself.

The comment could have been overly dramatic for effect or to make his point that he really doesn't want another DC. But does it matter? I don't actually think he'd leave (at least not his existing DC who he dotes on) or kill himself. But the fact that he's said that just lets me know how much pressure I'd be under if that ever did happen, he's basically openly stated, even if melodramatically, that he would not be supportive if I were to accidentally get pregnant whilst simultaneously not doing the thing he can do to avoid it happening.

If I got pregnant accidentally (and I know it's not likely to happen but let's face it, it can and does), I wouldn't want to abort. But it's very clear I'd be under a lot of pressure to with comments like that.

Make your stance as clear as he made his. You won't be made responsible for contraception and he can fuck off with any bad feeling or guilt trips if you get pregnant.