Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suddenly be miserable that I’m no longer young

122 replies

Gotajobthrunepotism · 05/04/2022 18:53

I’m 40! It feels like just yesterday I was young and a bit more pretty. Now I just feel old and past it.

I’m beginning to regret not doing things when I was younger. Like travelling the world... and going to more gigs

DH and I were at a gig recently for the first time in years... and it was just amazing to be out at night and in the city.

I just have this horrible feeling that my best days are in the past.

I should be grateful: I have a lovely husband and child. A nice house and an ok career (nothing high flying but it pays ok)

Ainu to be a bit sad about this ?

OP posts:
BigSkies22 · 05/04/2022 20:28

Oh, OP, the forties and fifties are just great. One tip: if you drink, stop. Sleep, metabolic health, weight, mood, concentration will all improve. I look better in my mid-50s than I did many mornings in my late 30's.

Firsttimemummy33 · 05/04/2022 20:31

I used to feel like you but my sister died aged 39 so now I see ageing as a privilege

User48751490 · 05/04/2022 20:31

Life is what you make of it.

Get more gigs booked!

hidinginthekitchenwithwine · 05/04/2022 20:33

I'm nearly 50 and still feel young.
Hope that helps Smile

Original poster
Gotajobthrunepotism · 05/04/2022 20:34

Now trying to book some gigs... do you think it would be weird to go on my own? It’s a struggle to get a babysitter too often. (My usual gig partner is DH: we love the same music, but most of my friends have different taste)

OP posts:
Ragwort · 05/04/2022 20:38

You can't help how you feel but honestly try to enjoy what you have, DH and I are early 60s, just this evening we said how good life is now, heading towards retirement, glad to be off the 'career ladder' & the feeling you have to 'prove yourself' at work, DC settled and happy (thank goodness the challenging parenting years are - hopefully - behind us), mortgage paid off, good health, friends and hobbies ... life is good Smile.

Ragwort · 05/04/2022 20:41

Go to gigs ... are you sure you can't get a babysitter? When my DC were young I used to 'swap' babysitting nights with a friend, she would look after my DC for an evening and I would do the same. When the DC were confident they would go for sleepovers- win win Smile.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 05/04/2022 20:43

They aren’t your best days behind you, it’s just that those to come are different.

Original poster
Gotajobthrunepotism · 05/04/2022 20:45

@Ragwort actually that’s a good idea! We don’t live near my family and DHs parents have too much on at the moment to ask. But I could ask friends

OP posts:
Chasingaftermidnight · 05/04/2022 20:49

This may not be the case for you but I think I look back with rose-tinted glasses at my youth. Yes, I was slim and good-looking and had no responsibilities, but I had no sense of my identity and zero self-esteem and I was such a people pleaser!

707smile · 05/04/2022 20:53

I've always thought I'd be okay with ageing as long as I was in the right 'place at the time so for example I'm 34 and thought by now I'd have a career, a job, a family etc., I don't and I'm struggling with that BUT you're 40 and exactly where you should be!!! Just enjoy life and living it to the full now.

707smile · 05/04/2022 20:54

Sorry that was career, house, family, not career, job, family.

Unforgettablefire · 05/04/2022 20:55

@HorribleHerstory

I’m feeling a bit like that OP, I’m nearly 40 so it must be the time of life. For me though it’s linked to the ages my parents were when they died. My oldest DC is already older than I was when I lost my first parent, and next year I’ll be older than they were when they died. Then I’ll be living this weird kind of decade between their ages of death thinking that my days are numbered. I’ve lived most of my life expecting to have a life expectancy of somewhere halfway between their ages at death (41 and 53)I guess that made sense in my head when I was younger. But now it plays on my mind a lot more. I feel too young to die!
I am in nearly the same position. My dm is still here but I am five years younger than my dad, and his dad when they died. I feel like a ticking time bomb and my days are numbered it’s frightening.
SquirrelG · 05/04/2022 21:00

YABU. I'm heading towards 63 and I still feel young. Thinking your best days are in the past is just silly - you have decades ahead of you to do all the things you want to do.

NadjaofAntipaxos · 05/04/2022 21:08

I experienced this feeling too OP. The sudden realisation of aging and it completely threw me. I think it was because for the first part of my adult life I was always focusing on the next milestone. University, travelling, getting a real grownup career on track, meeting someone, buying a house, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting pregnant, parenthood, moving to a bigger house, having another baby......

Then suddenly that was that. Now what? I was 40 and knackered and old and fat and unfit and how the fuck had that happened. I also had a lovely husband, happy marriage but the realisation hit that I would never shag a young hot bloke again.

And I had enjoyed very much the shagging of young hot blokes in my youth.

It was like a midlife crisis of sorts and I actually had a week where I couldn't eat and kept crying. DH was very sympathetic. "I don't want to shag someone else but I want to know that I could if I did waaaaaaahhhhhh". And feeling pathetic and ashamed and guilty for feeling that way.

It passed. Covid hitting helped put things into perspective. But I hear you. It's a gut feeling and it's not pretty but it will pass.

I had a period of questioning and talking with friends about what societal expectations were feeding into this shitness and I shed a lot of them. I genuinely don't give a fuck now about how I look other than to please myself with things I think are lovely to look at, jewellery, makeup, hair, clothes are for me. Thank you Caitlin Miran for that perspective. I do Pilates because I like it, not to be thin. Bloody revelation. And I feel like meeting new, amazing women, mainly awesome work colleagues and school mum's actually, and building friendships with them has replaced the excitement I used to get from meeting hot blokes.

I rediscovered solo cinema visits and theatre. Me and DH are planning our bucket list for travelling with the kids and also fantasising about retirement. The next milestone. In 22 years ☺️

ivykaty44 · 05/04/2022 21:14

I just have this horrible feeling that my best days are in the past.

if you think that - they will be

life is for living regardless of age, people get hung up on looks and age numbers instead of just enjoying what they have

MadKittenWoman · 05/04/2022 21:16

Recently turned 60. DH 70 this year. Still going to gigs.

Tilltheend99 · 05/04/2022 21:17

Bless you op. Flowers It’s normal to feel that way sometimes. I think I felt like that was through second half of my twenties which is mad looking back!

Do you think Covid is partly to blame? It feels like everyone has missed so much.

We went to a gig in Nov leaving four months old with grandparents for two hours. We felt like kids out on a school night.

There is definitely so much more good things for you to come. Keep making plans!

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 21:23

It’s natural I think but you do need to get a grip. Not everyone gets to 40. I’m 51 and would love to be 40 but when I’m 60….. and so on. Enjoy your life!

thegreylady · 05/04/2022 21:30

I’m 78 and just about to leave middle age (in my head). My youngest dc is nearly 50 !

WingingItSince1973 · 05/04/2022 21:43

I can't believe I'm 50 next year!!! I really don't feel mentally old enough compared to what I thought 50 year olds should be like 🤣 I feel alot more confident now though and don't deal with rubbish anymore. Too much of a people pleaser in my youth 🤣 Anyway my friend just passed away from 9 year battle with cancer. She would have been absolutely over the moon to turn 50, even 40 was good for her. Don't worry x

AbsentmindedWoman · 05/04/2022 21:43

Nobody has exactly the life they hope. Doesn't mean you have to wallow in regret and misery - that's a choice.

@SevenWaystoLeave I don't wallow in misery and regret.

I do, however, allow myself to feel disappointment and grief. It is far healthier to allow myself to acknowledge the pain that I might never become a mother for example, instead of pretending it doesn't exist. That is not wallowing in misery.

Ragwort · 05/04/2022 21:46

Age is an attitude - my DM is nearly 90 & recently widowed but still living life to the full, making new friends, going out for meals, theatre trips, still doing yoga & volunteering ('helping old people' Grin)... she is blessed with good health but also a really positive mindsight.

StripyHorse · 05/04/2022 21:46

I found turning 40 hard. About 2 months later an old school friend (from primary and secondary) died. She didn't make 40.

All of a sudden, it didn't matter that I had a few wrinkles, a few more pounds and grey hairs - I also had (have) a wonderful husband and 2 fantastic daughters, and I am still here. I realised how lucky I was to be able to still enjoy life.

Life changes, but it's not (usually) over at 40. Embrace it. Enjoy the knowledge of the world you have now, and the confidence that comes with it.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 05/04/2022 21:51

This really resonates with me OP, so you are not alone!

As PPs have suggested, plan to do some of the things that you love. If you have friends nearby then I'm sure they'd be delighted by your suggestion to babysit for each other (I know I would).

Loving the positivity on this thread Smile