Child begging to live with other parent, should I just let them go now?

[LetThemGoLetThemNot]

DC is 7, school year 3.

They tell me, their teachers and anyone who will listen almost daily that they want to live with their dad (my ExH). I split with ExH due to violence and control.

Currently ExH has DC for 1 night EOWend, that’s it. There’s a CAO, which gives weeknight contact but ExH never ever wants to see DC.

I know if I offered ExH would have DC living with them though as they tell me they only get 2 days a fortnight off work – the weekend they have DC. ExH also moans about how little money he has since he has to send me a “fortune” every month – he pays less than 50p per day and knocks money off for the littlest thing, they go to a birthday party he knocks off the cost of the present and the fuel, they go out for lunch the cost of DDs meal gets knocked off etc,

It breaks my heart, though I never show it. I have offered the weeknight contact again and was met with a reply about something completely different. My messages about weeknight contact are either ignored or I get a reply about something completely irrelevant that I haven’t asked about like the football scores (I hate football).

ExH won’t see DC if DC is ill, doesn’t do medical appointments or school meetings (there’s a few due to SN), anything bad is my problem, and anything good is because of him.

I’ve told DC the truth about ExHs replies or lack of to messages about contact, DC excuses it “Maybe dad was busy” “Dad works hard maybe he didn’t know what you were asking” but I know in my heart n a few years’ time when they can decide for themselves they will choose him. I’ve known it since we split up.

I don’t suspect Parent Alienation, I don’t think ExH is putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head because even school say DC speaks in a very expected way, we all think DC hasn’t accepted the split even though it’s been 5 years now.

I’m tempted to just let them go now and fight for contact, it’s so obviously what they want, I will never be good enough.

Very UR I know, but I just feel so sad by it all that I'll never be the correct parent no matter what I do

They are 7 - they dont know what they want. If you are the poster who I think you are - they dont mean it of course they dont.

What they mean is that they want a Dad who is more involved.

What they need is for you to simply recognise they dont mean it and that you are the correct parent and you are good enough

He's violent and controlling but you'll give your child over to him? You'd be doing your child a big disservice and setting them up for abuse.

@Quartz2208

They are 7 - they dont know what they want. If you are the poster who I think you are - they dont mean it of course they dont.

What they mean is that they want a Dad who is more involved.

What they need is for you to simply recognise they dont mean it and that you are the correct parent and you are good enough

@Quartz2208 Thank you I know they want dad more involved, I've tried my best but he obviously doesn't care, I feel like DC has the worst of both worlds as weekends with dad are fun and weekdays with me can be boring/routine (as is normal given their age)

I’m so sorry that you are in this position. It sounds like that your dc is desperately wishing for the one thing that they can’t have - because it is a bit of a fairytale. It doesn’t sound like your ex would actually want your dc full time and I suspect that they know this on some level. Your dc wants to be proved wrong. It’s so sad.

Can you talk to school about possible counselling or if they have any in house support.

It’s hard, but actually you are the correct person, you know it, and so does your child. You are getting the pushback back because you are the safe place, they know your love and acceptance is assured- but dad’s is not. That’s why they work so hard for his approval. They may also get an ‘easier’ time there- If no one cares enough to have a bed time, read with them do homework and just let them do whatever they want.
Just keep doing what you do, acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let it get to you.

They're not seeing his true colours unfortunately. Just keep being consistent and doing what you are doing. They are probably putting him on a pedestal.

@DinkyDiggies

It’s hard, but actually you are the correct person, you know it, and so does your child. You are getting the pushback back because you are the safe place, they know your love and acceptance is assured- but dad’s is not. That’s why they work so hard for his approval. They may also get an ‘easier’ time there- If no one cares enough to have a bed time, read with them do homework and just let them do whatever they want. Just keep doing what you do, acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let it get to you.

@DinkyDiggies You're right, it's me magging them to do their spellings, me who takes them to activities and pays for them, me who does homework, me who goes to meetings.

I've noticed at concerts they scan the crowd (like normal) but don't lock eyes on me, it's always ExH they lock eyes on.

Your dd might be too young to realise that dad doesn't want to see her more than EOW. In her mind, if she lived with him then he'd be more involved and they'd be eating McDonalds every day or whatever happens at his house.

Do you think he'd want her full time ? Especially for £15 per month from you? I bet it wouldn't be long until he wants to swap back unless he has other women in his life like a mother or sister who would pick up the slack.

You split with your ex due to "violence and control". Why on Earth would you entertain allowing your child to be with him for any longer than a court has insisted?

I'm baffled by this.

OP it’s so hard, you need to put your feelings of rejection aside and remember what’s best for your DC. Have you got any support or somebody to talk to about all this? Of course you’re good enough. They are so tiny at 7 and don’t understand why their Dad isn’t more interested. Look after yourself, it’s not easy.

@cherryonthecakes

Your dd might be too young to realise that dad doesn't want to see her more than EOW. In her mind, if she lived with him then he'd be more involved and they'd be eating McDonalds every day or whatever happens at his house.

Do you think he'd want her full time ? Especially for £15 per month from you? I bet it wouldn't be long until he wants to swap back unless he has other women in his life like a mother or sister who would pick up the slack.

@cherryonthecakes I've worked out I'd have to give him way more than he gives me, more like £250-300pm as I earn well, he wouldn't sniff at that and that would be his motivation. I would never not give him maintenance and I'd always give as much as I could afford, DC has to eat and have clothes and shoes and a home.

He took me to court and originally wanted residency, so I suspect he'd have DC full time if offered.

Your child knows you will be in the crowd at school concerts. The unknown factor is whether Dad will be there. That’s why they look for him.

He took you to court and asked for full residency but now he doesn’t make use of the weeknight contact he was awarded.

Not if he's abusive, no! Why would you even consider it?

Op this is really really tough for you. But you need to stop this train of thought.

It is in your child's best interests to be with you. They can cry and moan and ask to live witj dad but it's like kids asking to eat haribo all the time and crying because we give them healthy food. You are the healthy meal.

It would be extremely poor parenting to let a 7 year old choose to live with an abusive shit dad. Find an outlet for talking about your sadness and just keep being the mum your child needs.

Seriously, he s violent and you want him to have more time with your child?

I'm sorry this must hurt but it sounds like you're doing brilliantly. Dad represents the idyllic lifestyle your son sees with other father son relationships and is too young to consciously realise his own Dad isn't up to scratch.

Is this the same dad that was going for 50/50 a while ago? Or am I getting confused with another 24 hour/EOW father of a 7 year old who doesn't take up his midweek contact?

Look - he doesn't care. She needs counselling to work on her self esteem, as do you.

Another one baffled as to why you'd let an abusive man have your 7 year old child. WTF?

DC is 7. Their place is with you where they are stable, provided for, loved and above all, safe. They pine for their absent parent but thats not because they love you less. Its because he is a let down.

Do you really get only £15 a month from him?
He works, surely your child is entitled to more support.

I've been through this with mine. I had to change the way I spoke about his dad, essentially grey rocking the subject with DS. Lots of reassurance that I am here for him but refusing to engage in chats about Dad. "I know you miss your dad, You can tell him that, will you pass me that please " etc
He had counselling through school while this was going on so he had somewhere to talk about his dad and he gradually stopped idolising him in such an unrealistic way.

It took a while but he was eventually able to live in the present instead of the magical world of "Daddy is great" and "I must be missing out on something wonderful being stuck with Mum".

We also split due to violence and controlling, abusive behaviour. It takes a while and a lot of work to truly free yourselves from Daddys shadow

If he wanted residency, how/why does he see her so little?

It must feel so awful Op, to do all you do & feel that it's not appreciated at all.

Please don't do this.

Your child has one shit parent. Don't be another.

I understand this is a really rough situation for you too, but please get some counselling or something and deal with your own feelings about it rather than making your kid's life and future a complete mess.

Why is he not paying via CMS? He isn't allowed to deduct money as he wishes!!

You need to stop seeing it as a judgement on you. A 7-yr-old doesn't really know what they want. In their head being with dad might be the only way they can imagine seeing you both consistently because they know you're reliable and would still make effort to see them.
Anyway, as PPs have said, your ex is abusive. You're still untangling the impact of that abuse on your psyche. Don't let it poison your relationship with your DC. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and indulging in Disney dad fantasies. Stop telling your DC that their dad is UR. It's not helping. But equally don't indulge their 'living with dad' daydreams. Be consistent and shut it down eg 'You can't live with Dad just now ...' then change the subject.
The Freedom Programme; Lundy Bancroft books; counselling with Relate (if you can afford it) - might all help with your mindset around all this.