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Original poster

Child begging to live with other parent, should I just let them go now?

89 replies

LetThemGoLetThemNot · 05/04/2022 16:40

DC is 7, school year 3.

They tell me, their teachers and anyone who will listen almost daily that they want to live with their dad (my ExH). I split with ExH due to violence and control.

Currently ExH has DC for 1 night EOWend, that’s it. There’s a CAO, which gives weeknight contact but ExH never ever wants to see DC.

I know if I offered ExH would have DC living with them though as they tell me they only get 2 days a fortnight off work – the weekend they have DC. ExH also moans about how little money he has since he has to send me a “fortune” every month – he pays less than 50p per day and knocks money off for the littlest thing, they go to a birthday party he knocks off the cost of the present and the fuel, they go out for lunch the cost of DDs meal gets knocked off etc,

It breaks my heart, though I never show it. I have offered the weeknight contact again and was met with a reply about something completely different. My messages about weeknight contact are either ignored or I get a reply about something completely irrelevant that I haven’t asked about like the football scores (I hate football).

ExH won’t see DC if DC is ill, doesn’t do medical appointments or school meetings (there’s a few due to SN), anything bad is my problem, and anything good is because of him.

I’ve told DC the truth about ExHs replies or lack of to messages about contact, DC excuses it “Maybe dad was busy” “Dad works hard maybe he didn’t know what you were asking” but I know in my heart n a few years’ time when they can decide for themselves they will choose him. I’ve known it since we split up.

I don’t suspect Parent Alienation, I don’t think ExH is putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head because even school say DC speaks in a very expected way, we all think DC hasn’t accepted the split even though it’s been 5 years now.

I’m tempted to just let them go now and fight for contact, it’s so obviously what they want, I will never be good enough.

Very UR I know, but I just feel so sad by it all that I'll never be the correct parent no matter what I do

OP posts:
TheNameOfTheRoses · 05/04/2022 17:23

Ok the ex is violent and controlling.
But somehow your dc always finds excuses for him to not stay in contact/replying etc…

I’d go and see a chid psychologist with dc.

There is something wrong in the fact your dc always finds excuses for their dad. That he wants so much to be with his dad despite hardly seeing him.
I’d want to be sure that dc isn’t being manipulated by ex. I’d want to be sure that dc isn’t overcompensating for whatever happens when you were together.

Because that behaviour just doesn’t sound right. It’s very different than a situation where the dad is lovely, present etc… or one where he is a proper Disney dad and the dc has them wrapped around their little finger.

willweevergetthere · 05/04/2022 17:23

Follow lilmishaps advice.

Don't engage with dad is great you conversations.

CMS take money from both sides now so maybe the OP wouldn't be any better off going through them.

Coyoacan · 05/04/2022 17:24

OP it’s so hard, you need to put your feelings of rejection aside and remember what’s best for your DC

Easier said than done, but you cannot risk any harm coming to your child, even if you feel unappreciated.

As, fortunately enough, you don't seem to be on the breadline, maybe you could get some counselling to help rise above these feelings.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/04/2022 17:26

@Unanananana

Another one baffled as to why you'd let an abusive man have your 7 year old child. WTF?

DC is 7. Their place is with you where they are stable, provided for, loved and above all, safe. They pine for their absent parent but thats not because they love you less. Its because he is a let down.

This...

Please don't let this abuser MORE time with your child.

They won't thank you for it when they're an adult!

TheNameOfTheRoses · 05/04/2022 17:27

You do realise that the locking eye with dad might not be coming from ‘oh I love my dad and he is the only important person’ but from a much more negative angle.
One where he is actually unsure of his dad interest. One where he finds he has to go over board to catch his attention. One where he might not feel he is worthy of his dad’s love.

If this guy was abusive to you, he was always abusive to your ds. That trauma will have had a huge impact on your dc and that’s how you need to approach it.

lilmishap · 05/04/2022 17:28

OP what makes you think he would let them live with him? he sounds totally disinterested and incapable.
You DS looking for him at concerts is logical as he is the one most likely to not turn up, your DS knows you will be there.

I know it's hurtful but if you keep plugging away they will recognise you as the reliable parent who doesn't hurt them or let them down.

Keep doing what you're doing, he's only 7 and he would miss you but he doesn't know that because you've always been there.

Sux2buthen · 05/04/2022 17:30

I tell myself if I'm considered boring or being boring then that's fantastic.
That means I'm so predictable and so reliable for my kids that I know I have their total trust as a constant.
It's bloody rough listening to them big up their absent father and extended family but one day the truth will be clear to them. It is now really they are just hopeful and it's heartbreaking to see and to be the main/ only parent but we are what they have.

Zilla1 · 05/04/2022 17:32

That must be upsetting, OP, but you really know your DC needs one parent who makes decisions in the DC's interests so bite your tongue. Your DC wants the DF they deserve rather than the DF they really have. Add a layer of sometimes where the parents are couples and the DC's 'favourite' migrates over time. Try not to take it as criticism.

Would you let your DC entirely decide whether to go to school at that age? Or drink alcohol? Or smoke? Or video game all night? Or eat a diet solely comprised of chocolate? Then your DC doesn't get to decide something even more important.

Well done with keeping going with the hard grind of parenting alone.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 05/04/2022 17:33

And don't forget later this would be perceived as being rejected by their mother, even if they asked for it now.

Maray1967 · 05/04/2022 17:33

You need to focus on what you KNOW is best for your DC and accept that they want Daddy for the rarity value but that it would not be good for them for be with him permanently. There have been threads posted by parents worried or upset by the child seeming to prefer the other parent. It hurts - but it’s what we have to deal with as parents. It’s easier in the short term to let them eat garbage, do no homework, stay up late - but we don’t if we are responsible parents.
You’re doing a great job, and your DC will surely appreciate it one day but at present they’re too young to understand.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 05/04/2022 17:36

7 year olds don't know what they want. I'm sorry it's up to you to make these decisions alone. Being a parent, let alone a single one, is trying and fraught, but you need to make this decision for her. She is safe with you, she has routine and consistency. If she was 17 I'd say be more accommodating of the request, but she's 7 andyou are her advocate. This man is violent and abusive and still holds control over you. You can explain to your Dd why you don't live with her F anymore; that he was mean to Mummy and life is more peaceful just the two of you. As she gets older you tell her more of the truth, you continue to facilitate the relationship until she's old enough to understand what is going on/went on. What happens if you send her to him and then two weeks later he changes his mind because being a full time parent isn't for himself? Save yourself and her the heartbreak.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 05/04/2022 17:38

Sorry I might have got the reference to your DC wrong, DS?

RaspberryChouxBuns · 05/04/2022 17:39

BTW you are not being a nag, this is parenting at the coal-gace. Your ex H is a selfish dickhead.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 05/04/2022 17:40

Coal face. I'll stop spamming the board now GrinBlush

Icecreamclub0 · 05/04/2022 17:41

If your child was 13 I'd say you didn't have a choice as they were old enough to make up their own minds. A 7 year old is not gilick competent and therefore it is your duty to safeguard them. A 7 year old who is stating they don't want to see a parent wouldn't be listened to either.

Walkingalot · 05/04/2022 17:42

Don't let him go. You kinda know what sort of life you'll be letting him in for. You're the parent that knows him best and you need to protect him. I agree with PP, that he maybe needs some counselling to help him get over the split and maybe get to the root of why he wants to live with his DF (I'm assuming you've tried talking to him). Basically, he's too young to make this decision.
Also agree that the DF doesn't get to deduct money spent on him when he takes him out! Go through CMS.

Menora · 05/04/2022 17:49

I had this for years and it was a very rose tinted wishful thinking from my DD and actually very tragic and sad. It was what she thought she wanted because she could not have it and he didn’t want her. You need to ride this out and it will pass. It doesn’t feel that way but it is because she feels that she doesn’t have enough of him, and that’s not even your fault is it. Sometimes kids want the things they can’t have and it is very sad but giving it to them might not be good for them anyway

Theunamedcat · 05/04/2022 17:51

My son witnessed violence and recieved it from his father he is desperate for his attention and approval its a sting in the tail when he says well we can always ask daddy for money if we can't afford the heating on much I did tell him dad has been paying less than half what he is is supposed to (child maintenance are useless) and is now unemployed again gently son what makes you think he will give us money? He said true true but dad said he will play with me online today! He will text you.....has he text yet? Has he text yet? Has he text yet? Not that YOU would tell me if he did (I did challenge that one told him he couldn't take his dad's poor behaviour out on me he apologised)

So I get its hard and at age 7/8/9 he was very Very challenging about it he even "left home" at one point he stood outside the door saying his dad would "know" he needed him and he would show up he never did

I got him counselling through the school it helped a little but I won't lie about my ex if he says he isnt coming for no reason I literally tell ds the truth

Menora · 05/04/2022 17:52

I will add that mine is now an adult and has had a very slow painful realisation as to what a crap dad he is. She spent her whole childhood wishing she was with him more and he didn’t wish for it back. He did his bare minimum. I just felt sorry for her and stayed close and she grew out of the fantasy

WonderfulYou · 05/04/2022 17:52

I personally would let him go, if you think he’ll be safe.

Right now his dad is a Disney dad so of course he’s going to want to live there if he thinks his entire week is going to be fun doing whatever he wants to.

They’ll both soon realise that it’s not as fun as they think.

I’d have him live there for a 2 month trial.
Ex can have him mon-fri and you have him weekends.
Tell your son that he can change his mind at any time.

Wish44 · 05/04/2022 17:57

So hard OP. Just remember you are playing the long game. Your child will thank you when they are older and can see him for what he really is.

Menora · 05/04/2022 17:57

@WonderfulYou

I personally would let him go, if you think he’ll be safe.

Right now his dad is a Disney dad so of course he’s going to want to live there if he thinks his entire week is going to be fun doing whatever he wants to.

They’ll both soon realise that it’s not as fun as they think.

I’d have him live there for a 2 month trial.
Ex can have him mon-fri and you have him weekends.
Tell your son that he can change his mind at any time.

In reality this will teach the child nothing at all. It will just mean the child is confused and possibly both child and ex miserable to try to prove some kind of point. Kids don’t always want to go to school, you don’t just say ‘oh ok you don’t have to go’. Children who fantasise about living with their other parent fanatically like this are displaying their feelings of missing the parent and not having their emotional needs met by them. They want them because they are at a distance and feel insecure. Clearly OP has outlined that dad doesn’t meet their needs so handing a child over would be awful
moofolk · 05/04/2022 18:00

As PP have said, kids of that age don't know what they want.

It is upsetting to feel rejected, but you are strong. You are his mum, and you do know what's best.

Your ex sounds awful and it doesn't seem like your kids would be better off with him, and in the long run might feel rejected by you.

But if he's a shit dad, and they don't see him very often, it's unlikely he makes them do homework, wash the dishes, get dressed and brush their teeth by 8am, and other horribly mean, unfair things that you make them do.

That makes dad seem like a fun option, but it's not realistic.

GoodnightJude1 · 05/04/2022 18:03

The grass is always greener OP!

My DS would probably live with his dad given the choice….when he goes to his dads EOW there’s no set bedtime, they get McDonald’s for dinner and play Fifa all day. It’s like he views his dad as a mate.
That novelty would soon wear off when there was no available money for the school trip, no home cooked meal on the table, no clean, ironed school shirts.
At 7 your DC is probably thinking every day would be like EOW with dad…he’d soon realise it’s not.

Like PP said, he looks for his dad in the crowd because he already KNOWS you’ll be there. You’re the constant. Sadly, it’ll take a few more years before he really acknowledges that.
Hang on in there though. If your Exh was violent what will stop him being violent with your DC?

Ash2956 · 05/04/2022 18:05

I feel for you as I have been in this position. I can only tell you what I did. No one knows the true situation except you. My son was 15 and my daughter was 10. My son wanted to live with his dad and eventually he did. My daughter wanted to live with her dad at first and he had her to stay every other weekend. It used to break my heart when she would come back and say she hated me and wanted to live with her Dad. This went on for a couple of years until in the end I agreed that as she was 12 and determined to live there it wasn’t right to continue as we were.
I can tell you I had the most miserable 4 months of my life. Continual excuses from my ex why I couldn’t see her. Anyhow, long story short, I had a phone call one evening asking me to come and pick her up from her dads. After living there for a while she made her own decision to come home to me.

Your kids are much younger and only you know what’s best for them. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that this situation will pass in time. Love and hugs to you and stay strong xx