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Original poster

Child begging to live with other parent, should I just let them go now?

89 replies

LetThemGoLetThemNot · 05/04/2022 16:40

DC is 7, school year 3.

They tell me, their teachers and anyone who will listen almost daily that they want to live with their dad (my ExH). I split with ExH due to violence and control.

Currently ExH has DC for 1 night EOWend, that’s it. There’s a CAO, which gives weeknight contact but ExH never ever wants to see DC.

I know if I offered ExH would have DC living with them though as they tell me they only get 2 days a fortnight off work – the weekend they have DC. ExH also moans about how little money he has since he has to send me a “fortune” every month – he pays less than 50p per day and knocks money off for the littlest thing, they go to a birthday party he knocks off the cost of the present and the fuel, they go out for lunch the cost of DDs meal gets knocked off etc,

It breaks my heart, though I never show it. I have offered the weeknight contact again and was met with a reply about something completely different. My messages about weeknight contact are either ignored or I get a reply about something completely irrelevant that I haven’t asked about like the football scores (I hate football).

ExH won’t see DC if DC is ill, doesn’t do medical appointments or school meetings (there’s a few due to SN), anything bad is my problem, and anything good is because of him.

I’ve told DC the truth about ExHs replies or lack of to messages about contact, DC excuses it “Maybe dad was busy” “Dad works hard maybe he didn’t know what you were asking” but I know in my heart n a few years’ time when they can decide for themselves they will choose him. I’ve known it since we split up.

I don’t suspect Parent Alienation, I don’t think ExH is putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head because even school say DC speaks in a very expected way, we all think DC hasn’t accepted the split even though it’s been 5 years now.

I’m tempted to just let them go now and fight for contact, it’s so obviously what they want, I will never be good enough.

Very UR I know, but I just feel so sad by it all that I'll never be the correct parent no matter what I do

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 18:10

He's not begging to live with him he's begging for his attention. The play example he's looking for him as there's no guarantee he's there whereas you are always there.
He's got court ordered contact he's not utilising.
I wouldn't get into contacting ex. The order is there if he messages to arrange then abide by order but don't chase him. Don't set DS up for disappointment if he doesn't reply.

4thtimethecharm · 05/04/2022 18:13

You may not be the parent your DC want. But you are the one they need.

Parenting is not a popularity contest, certainly not when the contest is run by a 7 year old! Please don't feel defeated by their preferences. You know being with you is better for them in the long term.

RandomMess · 05/04/2022 18:19

It's likely that your DC SEN play a role in this too that their emotional maturity and understanding is younger than most 7 year olds and they are speaking out a fantasy in the same way as wanting a unicorn.

whynotwhatknot · 05/04/2022 18:20

First if all you need to g through cms if he keeps deducting money for things-he cant basically

at 7 your dc just wants the fun bit probably the attention from him

my friend went through this unfrtunately the dc was older so she had to let them go but at 7 a court wont hear of it

Electriq · 05/04/2022 18:30

If you were push for anything push for 50/50.

Although the reasons you left him, I would not be pushing for any more than he has, its hard to hear, but your the one being a parent, and he gets all the fun, thats all the child sees, but in years time, when they understand more, it will make sense to them.

Booboobibles · 05/04/2022 18:33

I think a lot of abusive men take their ex to court for residency. It’s a control thing.

Also he’s violent and he won’t look after your child properly.

You say you’d give him as much money as you could afford. I can assure you that the money would not be spent on your child,

It’s hard but you can’t take offence at something a small child says. Think ten years into the future….your child will be so thankful that you didn’t let your hurt feelings influence your decision. What if you let them live with dad and they go off the rails? You’d never forgive yourself.

KellsBells77 · 05/04/2022 18:44

@DinkyDiggies

It’s hard, but actually you are the correct person, you know it, and so does your child. You are getting the pushback back because you are the safe place, they know your love and acceptance is assured- but dad’s is not. That’s why they work so hard for his approval. They may also get an ‘easier’ time there- If no one cares enough to have a bed time, read with them do homework and just let them do whatever they want. Just keep doing what you do, acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let it get to you.
Great post. Sums up the situation precisely.

You’re the good parent OP, unfortunately he’s not been good enough.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 05/04/2022 18:52

If you left your ExH because of violence and control, there’s no way you should allow you dc to live with him full time. Crazy idea. When dc grows up a bit they’ll realise. Kids can be short sighted. My ds used to say he wanted to live in the countryside and he’d rather go with Grandma, but I could always visit. Did it feel like I’d been punched? Absolutely, but I knew deep down it was because I was the one who made him tidy his room, do his homework, practice the piano etc…….and Grandma would just ask him if he wanted one slice of chocolate cake or two.
Just hang in there. Let dc grow up and appreciate the fact that you didn’t send them to live with a violent, controlling parent.

Carpy899 · 05/04/2022 18:52

Very easy to be a Hollywood dad when he only sees them for a day every other week.

Embracelife · 05/04/2022 18:58

At 7 you decide
You tell dc they can have more say in the decision when they teenager.
Don't send a 7 Yr old to live with violent man

GettingItOutThere · 05/04/2022 18:59

@Redwinestillfine

Seriously, he s violent and you want him to have more time with your child?
this

your child is 7. seven.

they are putting dad on a star and thinking hes wonderful, its possible only seeing someone once a week to think like this.

do not even consider handing residency to him!! your child will be gone

Unsure33 · 05/04/2022 19:04

No . Your children are too young to understand this whole scenario.

You have to do the bigger thing unfortunately .

Never run him down , never bring him into arguments , say when they are older they will be free to make their own choice . But for now thier education and stability is paramount .
Let them know the door is never shut . Your problems do not become their problems .But for now things will not change .

Shelaydownunderthetable · 05/04/2022 19:07

OP I’m guessing you must be really hurting and at your wits end to even consider this. What other people have said is 100% true- they are seeking affirmation from their dad because they already know where they stand with you. That is real love, that will help a child build appropriate relationships and attachments. Not the EOW easy street fairy tale they get on weekends with their dad.

You know he’s abusive, you know the age of your child - you know all the reasons why this can’t happen.

Is there anything you can do to get some support for yourself? Therapy, or a workplace EAP, or your GP - anything?

Gizacluethen · 05/04/2022 19:07

She desperately wants her dad to love her like you do and thinks that if they were together all the time then he might.

Just keep being there for her, she'll see through him eventually. Don't just throw her to the wolves.

Roses1221 · 05/04/2022 19:10

This could be a terrible idea, I wonder what others would think, but how about telling them the truth (or an edited version?) Due to dad’s behaviour in the past the court ruled that you were to stay with me because you were safer in my care… I will ask dad to spend more time with you (and maybe have these conversations in front of DC?) and then he can decide, but you are to live here, with me

univmum · 05/04/2022 19:10

@waterrat

Op this is really really tough for you. But you need to stop this train of thought.

It is in your child's best interests to be with you. They can cry and moan and ask to live witj dad but it's like kids asking to eat haribo all the time and crying because we give them healthy food. You are the healthy meal.

It would be extremely poor parenting to let a 7 year old choose to live with an abusive shit dad. Find an outlet for talking about your sadness and just keep being the mum your child needs.

This and give yourself a pat on the back for being that better safer parent.
AKASammyScrounge · 05/04/2022 19:11

@DinkyDiggies

It’s hard, but actually you are the correct person, you know it, and so does your child. You are getting the pushback back because you are the safe place, they know your love and acceptance is assured- but dad’s is not. That’s why they work so hard for his approval. They may also get an ‘easier’ time there- If no one cares enough to have a bed time, read with them do homework and just let them do whatever they want. Just keep doing what you do, acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let it get to you.
This is so true. Dad is someone they have to win over because he has proved that he can walk away at any time. Mum she can take for granted because you have never let them down and never will. She may also be trying to appease Dad so that he won't turn on her. That affection she lavishes on him may be her strategy of self defence. Don't buckle in a low period to what she says. She probably doesn't understand her own feelings.
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2022 19:14

@lilmishap

I've been through this with mine. I had to change the way I spoke about his dad, essentially grey rocking the subject with DS. Lots of reassurance that I am here for him but refusing to engage in chats about Dad. "I know you miss your dad, You can tell him that, will you pass me that please " etc He had counselling through school while this was going on so he had somewhere to talk about his dad and he gradually stopped idolising him in such an unrealistic way.

It took a while but he was eventually able to live in the present instead of the magical world of "Daddy is great" and "I must be missing out on something wonderful being stuck with Mum".

We also split due to violence and controlling, abusive behaviour. It takes a while and a lot of work to truly free yourselves from Daddys shadow

This is very good advice. Idk if you can get counselling through school. I can thoroughly recommend a child psychologist though to work through issues. We had one for dd for a while as she was struggling due to my poor health.

I’m glad your ds is doing better lilmishap.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 05/04/2022 19:16

I had a friend who was in her 20's and her parents split up and gave her and her brother the choice of who to live with.
She chose the dad and her brother chose the mum.
The dad was a bit abusive and she grew up to need therapy and distanced from her father in adulthood, she always regretted the choice and wondered why her mother had allowed her to choose when she was very young.
She is re-connected with her mother and brother now but young children do not always know how to make the best choices.

Boswellocks · 05/04/2022 19:20

You should not consider letting your 7 yr old live with a violent man even for a second, OP.

As every single PP has said, you are doing all the right things. You are safe and consistent and this is not personal. The child is only 7 and can't even begin to comprehend what "living with Dad" would be like. There are lots of really good suggestions here (keeping conversations open with DC so they feel safe enough to express their feelings, even if in a clumsy 7-yr-old way, not bad-mouthing DC's dad while not encouraging fantasies, 'grey rock' etc).

Tabitha789 · 05/04/2022 19:24

Why you even thinking about giving in!!!

oakleaffy · 05/04/2022 19:26

Do not, please, let this awful man have your child.
Cannot believe what I'm reading here!

Your child desperately wants a ''Couldn't give a f&ck'' selfish arsehole to love him or her.

It would be a disaster if your DC went to live with him, and you know it.
Poor DC.

They must be hurting badly.
What a beast that man sounds.

Children want their fathers to love them unconditionally.

19lottie82 · 05/04/2022 19:27

God, no! Your DC is SEVEN!
It’s your job to protect them, they don’t get to make decisions like that at such a young age.

Jux · 05/04/2022 19:28

Ask the school for emotional support for your child/ren;if they can hook you up with a counselling service take that too (dd's school had a counsellor for parents) and then relax. Grey rock the dad thing, as said ^^.

If you actually offered him custody, he'd just dump them on someone thoroughly unsuitable and take your money. He's not really interested.

smiles39 · 05/04/2022 19:34

I have witnessed something very similar myself as a stepmum to two kids who, at similar ages to your DC, begged to live with their unstable mum. Same as you, they told nursery and school, announced it to us etc. The answer was no, they did not understand what was best for them.

What I can tell you is that they stopped talking about it eventually. And given everything that has happened over the past two years, it’s the best thing my OH has done for his children.