Child begging to live with other parent, should I just let them go now?

[LetThemGoLetThemNot]

DC is 7, school year 3.

They tell me, their teachers and anyone who will listen almost daily that they want to live with their dad (my ExH). I split with ExH due to violence and control.

Currently ExH has DC for 1 night EOWend, that’s it. There’s a CAO, which gives weeknight contact but ExH never ever wants to see DC.

I know if I offered ExH would have DC living with them though as they tell me they only get 2 days a fortnight off work – the weekend they have DC. ExH also moans about how little money he has since he has to send me a “fortune” every month – he pays less than 50p per day and knocks money off for the littlest thing, they go to a birthday party he knocks off the cost of the present and the fuel, they go out for lunch the cost of DDs meal gets knocked off etc,

It breaks my heart, though I never show it. I have offered the weeknight contact again and was met with a reply about something completely different. My messages about weeknight contact are either ignored or I get a reply about something completely irrelevant that I haven’t asked about like the football scores (I hate football).

ExH won’t see DC if DC is ill, doesn’t do medical appointments or school meetings (there’s a few due to SN), anything bad is my problem, and anything good is because of him.

I’ve told DC the truth about ExHs replies or lack of to messages about contact, DC excuses it “Maybe dad was busy” “Dad works hard maybe he didn’t know what you were asking” but I know in my heart n a few years’ time when they can decide for themselves they will choose him. I’ve known it since we split up.

I don’t suspect Parent Alienation, I don’t think ExH is putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head because even school say DC speaks in a very expected way, we all think DC hasn’t accepted the split even though it’s been 5 years now.

I’m tempted to just let them go now and fight for contact, it’s so obviously what they want, I will never be good enough.

Very UR I know, but I just feel so sad by it all that I'll never be the correct parent no matter what I do

DC wants to feel wanted by their dad, and it’s always exciting to see if you can get the attention of someone unavailable - this is most obvious in romantic relationships but it works with all kinds of relationships including parents and children. This is what DC is doing - testing who loves them unconditionally and who plays games. Don’t get into a competition with your ex, just be the steady loving presence your DC can rely on. They don’t need two parents who treat them as something that turns off with a switch.

Why are you even considering this as a possibility? Maybe your child needs some sort of professional help but surely you can't possibly think that letting your ex have them all the time is the answer. You've already said he's abusive!

At 7, you have to ride this out. If they were teenagers - i'd say let them.

@hemulensdress

OP it’s so hard, you need to put your feelings of rejection aside and remember what’s best for your DC. Have you got any support or somebody to talk to about all this? Of course you’re good enough. They are so tiny at 7 and don’t understand why their Dad isn’t more interested. Look after yourself, it’s not easy.

Yes!

At the age of 7 they are not able to decide what’s best for them, you and their father get to decide what’s right for them. Just tell them that “daddy is very busy and works a lot so it’s better that you live here with mummy, when you are older we can look at the situation again and decide what’s best but at the moment it’s best that you live here”.

I think many children imagine it would be great living with the other parent, when they visit they have lots of fun, they do fun things, get spoilt and got to fun places. They don’t realise that if they lived there they wouldn’t be able to do these things every day.

When my DSS got older (12 ish) we decided to allow him to move in. He had been asking too for a long time so we decided to trial it. He soon realised that it wasn’t going to be fun like it was when he visited at weekend. He lasted 3 days and then decided he wanted to go back home. I wouldn’t do this with a 7 year old but maybe in a few year you can?

Maybe ds thinks his df will morph into a great df if he is there ft...
I fought for 4 years for decent contact. Exh was abusive and dc left ASAP. At 12 lad 14 they told him to get stuffed.

The kid is heartbroken about his Dad. Kids are , whatever the missing parent is like. But your DC has you! Doing all the boring and very important stuff. If you let your DC go he'll feel failed by both parents. DC will feel rejected by you both. Especially when living with Dad is not as great as first seems. Your DC is probably only talking about wanting to because he or she KNOWs you love him/her too much to give him away.

You're doing all the right things. Not alienating DC from his Dad and prodding Dad when you can to be more involved. Kids don't have to be grateful unfortunately, but it must be so hard on your own and when you feel your DC has become your biggest critic.

Good luck, keep going and don't give in!

It is a pattern, both you and your child. Your child does not know how to handle rejection by one of its parents, and their way of coping is by dreaming of a situation where that parent accepts them and takes care of them.

You also cannot cope with rejection and you interpret your child as rejecting you. You do not understand how to deal with this - and crucially - you lack insight in to your child's coping mechanism because you lack insight into your own issues.

You are in grave danger of causing your child immense harm by not recognising his distress because you are wrapped up in your own fears. You are the adult, and you need to sort this out. I would recommend proper therapy or at least counselling. It will help both you and your poor child.

My ds used to be the same, wanting to live with his dad, he left home by stealth at 14, went to his dad's during the school holidays & never returned home. A year later I got a phone call from ds, could I pick him up as his dad had thrown him out, that was 3 years ago & he has been with me ever since, he only sees his dad once a week now & only if he has nothing better to do.

If your ex was violent, you can’t possibly be considering handing him a 7 yr old child to bully / bash up / train to be a dick?

I get that you feel rejected. I get that its annoying that your horrible ex gets to be ‘the fun one’ and you have to do sll the day to day boringg stuff for an ungrateful child. But suck it ip, children are unfair selfish and ungrateful.

If your child is really so obsessed with it that it’s hard to manage, ask a therapist or teacher or social worker for advice - I woukd be tempted to shatter their illusions about ex-H by telling them exactly what he did, but that is a big irrevocable step and seven is young so please get real life advice on it…

1st rule of parenting IMO - never take anything your child says personally.
You are the best parent, you need to be confident in that. Your child has no idea how important you are and no understanding of how much they need you. That is a great thing. That is why they don't look for you in the crowd as they already know you will be there. The desperate love they feel for their dad is not healthy, they long for him to prove his love in the way you do everyday. They look all the time for reassurance from him, proof of love. They look for reasons why he is constantly failing them to try to make themselves feel better.

Just be there and give them time. They need you.

So only read your original post.
Your Ex is feeding your DC rubbish about money, that's why he says he wants to live with his dad - he feels its his fault his dad has no money and tgat if he lived with his dad, that would mean dad had money! This is manipulative, abusive behaviour. Talk to social services about it. Ask their view or citizens advice or a child charity. Your child needs help now.

You're getting some really harsh responses here, but there a fair few women who know where you're at. It's awful when you feel your kids don't love you and blame you for every bad feeling they're having.
You doubt your ability to parent.

You are doing fine and this is the hardest part, you are all still paying him too much attention. But you are ready to move on, you have to trust yourself and create boundaries. He doesn't exist in your home.

OP, please believe me when I say there are millions of women in your shoes. The arsehole dads who don't give enough of a shit to do any real parenting but then play Disney dad in the little contact they have. The kids always want more to start with. But your DC is so young. Give them a couple of years and they will start to see him for who he really is. I stood my ground and refused my kids begging for 50/50 because I knew how neglectful their father is. 2 years down the line and they see the real him. They love him but hate staying with him in their contact time. Stick it out. Don't offer your DC up to him on a platter. They need you and love you way more than they can understand or articulate yet.