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(I think I may be) to NOT want DH to go to Lanzarote?

86 replies

MrsKittylette · 08/01/2008 00:17

DHs dad asked him out of the blue if he wanted to got on holiday there and he would pay. He also said he would pay for DS (3yrs) now my problems are ...

A - we are a family of 4 - Dont you think its a bit off for FIL to offer to pay for 2?

B - Im TERRIFIED of planes and I wouldnt go anyways, but am not at a point with my fear in which I could allow DS to go on a plane (Iam planning to sort my fear out so we can go away when the kids are older) FIL knows I am petrified of planes and that i would be horrified at the thought of any of my family being on one.

C- DH said FIL will pay for 2 so we can go together If I dont want DS to go - yes very nice but who the hell will look after the kids

Its just not practial. theres no way we could find someone to have the kids for a week, and Im not ready to leave them for a week anyway.

So now DH says well if all the above is so then he will go alone.

But I dont want him to, I dont want him to go off with his dad (who is shall we say immature) I dont want to be alone in the house for a week, I dont want to deal with the kids alone for a week,

We have a family holiday in June and I cant see why he just cant be happy with that,

Hes a married man now with 2 toddlers, --- am I right in thinking jetting off on a boys holiday just isnt something that he can do?

Im not bitter, honest, lol. I wouldnt want to go myself but i dont want him to go either

I hate my stupid fear I know its irrational but its how I am

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 08/01/2008 00:36

Message withdrawn


08aGreatYearForCarmenere · 08/01/2008 00:46

Oh now Kitty YABU. If he is willing to bring a toddler it will not be that much of a lads holiday. Lighten up, you can't wrap everyone up in cotton wool, air travel is stastically VERY safe and tbh if it is just because you don't want to go, well that is mean spirited and not very generous towards the man you have just married. This is a nice opportunity for your dh and ds, send them away with good grace. Oh and you will cope fine for a week with just one child, fgs, you are a grown woman.


HarrietTheSpy · 08/01/2008 00:48

Miss Kitty
I could see going away for a weekend to do some sort of actvity you definitely wouldn't be interested in (for the sake of argument, golf). But I doubt this is a two night thing. As you say your husband is married with a family of four and randomly inviting some of the family members (which offering to pay for some and not others essentially is) creates an awkward situation for DH and you. He should realise this. Why is he getting involved with your holiday plans anyway? This is the sort of thing best left to the family themselves to sort out first and foremost when there are kids involved. Your DH not a single man, when it would arguably be his decision alone and not a strange thing at all for his dad to have suggested.

Your fear of planes is another matter, but not fundamentally related to whether he should have invited part and not all of your family to go on holiday.


kama · 08/01/2008 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 08/01/2008 01:15

Message withdrawn


HarrietTheSpy · 08/01/2008 01:18

If my mother called me up and said, hey here's a great holiday for just the two of us your DH can look after the kids for a week, no probs, I would not think that was doing me any favours unless I knew I could reciprocate some other time in the year with him getting some time off too.


ConnorTraceptive · 08/01/2008 09:51

YABU if there is no chance of your dh getting a holoiday abroad with you because of your phobia (which I understand I'm afraid of flying too) then he should have the chance to go with his dad.

Life doesn't stop completely just because you've gotten married.


wannaBe · 08/01/2008 10:04

Yabu. Why should your ds not be allowed to go abroad because of your irassional fears. I personally wouldn?t want to send my ds on holiday without me, but if I didn?t want to go, then why shouldn?t he be allowed to?

As for your fear of flying, you seriously need to get a grip, and yes, I speak from experience because I am terrified of flying too, but the fear is irassional. I used to have to fly every term as I went to boarding school far away from home, I hated it and had to take travel sickness tablets for hours before and this was only for a 90 minute flight. Every time I flew I was convinced we were going to crash and that I would never reach the other end of my journey. Then when we returned to the UK it was a 12 hour flight and I took sleeping pills, I kid you not. From then on if I had to fly I would go to the gp and she would prescribe me vallium or something similar to calm me down. Yes I could have no flown but I was never going to see the world that way was I? Then we went to Australia and between here and there and the places we went in between there were 52 hours of flying all in all, I added them up, and counted them down, but this time it was different because we were ttc and I didn?t feel comfortable taking pills just in case I got pregnant. And also I didn?t want to spend most of my holiday under the influence of vallium , so I didn?t take the pills, and you know what, I made it through the flights, all of them. And since then I have never taken anything when I fly, I have ds now and it would be wrong for him to know that I?m afraid, because for a 5 year old flying should be a big adventure, not an experience where he has to be told that ?we?re all going to die in a horrible plane crash?. I?m still scared, but ultimately the pilot doesn?t want to die any more than I do, and I don?t want to miss out seeing the world just because of some irassional fear.

I do understand how you feel, I really do, but you?re missing out, and there?s no reason to.


Minum · 08/01/2008 10:10

I wont fly, at all. But DH as taken DS1 away on foreign holidays, just the two of them, and with his parents. They've had a lovely time, and I've enjoyed time at home with DS2. I really think the trips they had built bonds, and will be precious memories, I cant see any reason I would not want them to go at all.


mumzyof2 · 08/01/2008 10:32

I dont think yabu.
Why wont your fil pay for both children? Why just your ds? And why should you be left to look after the children on your own for a week? I thought that when you had children, you gave up the right to drop everything and swan off when ever you feel like it?
I seem to be in the minority, but I wouldnt like it either.
Maybe Im a control freak!


mumzyof2 · 08/01/2008 10:33

Also, especially when you are already going on holiday as a family later in the year.


mumzyof2 · 08/01/2008 10:36

Oh, however, I wouldnt be too peeved about it if he went on his own with his dad, and no children.I'll stop my random one sentanced posting now!


Viggoswife · 08/01/2008 10:53

Would be quite happy to see the back of DH for a week TBH but would not be happy about him taking DS but this is because DH has shown himself to be unreliable in the past when having had a drink. Also would miss DS too much. I am not one of these who likes a break from their kids. Will have enough time to myself when they are older. Making the most of this time.

Think YABU about DH going but YANBU about not wanting DS to go.


Wisteria · 08/01/2008 10:58

I don't think you are BU not to want him to go - that's just your feeling to which you are entitled, but you will be being VVU if you stop it - your FIL has made a generous offer and can probably only afford to pay for 2 extra places. Why should your son suffer for your fear which you know is irrational?

If I were in your (somewhat lucky) shoes I'd say of course they can go but that the other child should be paid for as well (depending on whether they are old enough to appreciate it) - I would then make an arrangement to go and stay with my family or friends while they were away and enjoy myself!!


Squirtle · 08/01/2008 10:58

Well when my sister offered my 12 days in Alaska with no children I grabbed her with boths hands and left the children and husband behind. Let him go for it. Can you have a break in the UK (i.e. non flying) by yourself sometime and he has the kids?


Wisteria · 08/01/2008 10:58

(and I would put the extra in for child no2)


sb6699 · 08/01/2008 11:49

My DH went on holiday with his mates when I was pregnant with DD1. Didn't find this a problem as he reciprocated with me having a week abroad with my friend while he looked after the kids.

I can understand that you might feel you're being left behind while he's sunning himself but if he returns the favour it'll be worth it.

It is a bit unfair to deny your DH and DS a holiday abroad (which is being paid for) when it seems it will be a while before you are able to go as a family due to your fear of flying. It will give them some "bonding" time and will their do relationship no end of good.


jellybeans · 08/01/2008 11:57

YANBU I agree with what you say and think maybe you could all go together when you have sorted your fear of flying (I have it too and I don't think people realise how hard it is if they do not have this, but I was able to manage a 2 hour flight this year with alot of courage!!) I think it is abit odd to offer to pay for half a family to go. I wouldn't like it.


belgo · 08/01/2008 12:03

It seems unfair to stop your dh going on holiday on a flight just because you are scared of flying. I would let him go; but I wouldn't let my young children go.

In fact, my dh is going skiing with his family this year - he wanted to take dd1 but I said no because she is too young to go skiing (not yet four) and because I would miss her too much. But I don't want to stop dh going skiing, because he loves it.

And because he is so grateful to me for letting him go skiing (two years in a row as it happens), I can use his gratefulness as a bargaining tool to my own advantage


lulumama · 08/01/2008 12:08

sorry , yabu

yes, he is married now, but does that mean you never spend any time apart again

lovely FIL wants to spend time with his son and grandson

don;t let your fears spoil it for DH and DS

'We have a family holiday in June and I cant see why he just cant be happy with that,'

well, who wouldn;t jump at the chance of an extra holiday? hasn;t your DH been depressed lately, this might be a real boost for him ?

why not arrange that when he gets back , you get to go off and do soemthing child free yourself, maybe go to a spa for a couple of days?


VictorianSqualor · 08/01/2008 12:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I really don't!

It's great of FIL to offer to pay but surely for both of your children, unless he meant he'd pay half towards the four of you going?

I wouldn't particularly relish being at home for a week whilst dp jetted off somewhere with his dad (or anyone for that matter) and I would imagne he'd feel the same if it was me planning on going, but neither of us would stop the other because that isn't fair either.

Having said all that, DP's dad is petrified of flying, so dp's mum hasn't had a holiday abroad in years which I think is just as unfair, she is coming on holiday with us this year, but she isn't leaving children at home to do it.


susiecutiemincepies · 08/01/2008 12:26

I've mixed opinions on this. I understand your reservations about your DH going away without you nad taking your son.

Putting all the other stuff to one side, like your fear of flying and only taking one child nad your DH, I think that holidays should be a family thing. If you only get away once or twice a year, then I think it should be all together, as a family. With or without GP's but definitely with YOUR little family all together. I think it unfair of your FIL to exclude you and your other child. Wether you would have gone or not is not hte issue, the fact you have not been invited is just no on. I would be jolly pissed off.

I also understand why you don't like the idea of him going with your son, if you dont feel your FIL is very responsible. Does he remember what going abroad with a little one intails? no late nights out getting pissed in bars... getting up early... not being able to just sit infront of the pool all day, actually having ot find entertaining things to do with your DS?

The only thing I dont really agree with or understand, is you not wanting to be alone for a week with one child, or both children. Trust me, it wont kill you. I HAVE to do this every single week, mon- fri as my DH works away in the week. It will be nice quality time with your child if its just hte two of you, or with both if them should your DH go alone....

I do think you have a point about his responsibilities, you cant just up and swan off when you have a wife and children. I think its wrong, and unfair of both your FIL and DH to expect this to be ok. This is without even going into all the other things. I can understand why you would not want this to happen.

sorry, gone a bit there so i'm a fence sitter really, and think on some of it YANBU and some YABU... not much help hey ?


Hulababy · 08/01/2008 12:29

In our house we don't do separate holidays - either we all go or no one goes. The odd day or two away in the UK is different, but not a proper holiday. DH in particularly gets limited holiday allowance - we chose to use that time for family time.


chocchipcookie · 08/01/2008 12:30


You have a genuine fear of flying.

Your husband would rather go without you than find a destination in UK or anywhere in bloody mainland Europe. There is a train/ferry option then.

How about Brittany or Normandy? Lovely beaches and food.

Or somewhere in the UK!!!

I think FIL and DH are being bloody selfish. You are a couple for better or worse, he is behaving like a teenager.


warthog · 08/01/2008 12:30


you're a family now, i don't see how it's ok for your fil to say 'i'll take that one and that one but not the rest'. talk about favouritism. bloody off imho. quite apart from the fact that you'll be without support for the week.

i wouldn't dream of excluding dh, and likewise him, me! but clearly we are in the minority...

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