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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to terminate pregnancy but he doesn’t

87 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 05/04/2022 10:05

We have two kids already, DD is 3 and a handful. DS was born in January. I had lots of health complications and extra scans and was depressed all through the last pregnancy.
I am pregnant again despite braestfeeding. With my first child my periods didn’t come back for a year Blush I am mortified to be pregnant again so soon. I don’t know if I can tell anyone IRL without lots of judging!!

Anyway. Dp wants to keep it. Is acting very selfish and controlling. I would LOVE to keep the baby but we are financially strapped and have no family around to help. The last two babies took it out of me to the point where I’ve given up all hobbies and socialising. He complains that I’m boring now. It’s called being tired!!!! I try to explain another baby = more exhaustion. He says abortion is murder and I’ll regret it forever. I feel like I’ll regret going through another pregnancy so soon. I feel like my body has crumbled away just having two babies. My pelvic floor is wrecked not to mention my mental health.

Would it be unreasonable to have a termination?

(I appreciate this could end up very politicised I just want to know what other mothers have done / would do in this scenario, thanks)

OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 05/04/2022 10:06

Difficult situation but your body, your choice ultimately.

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2022 10:08

It’s your choice op
He doesn’t sound like a very kind or supportive partner

Nicholethejewellery · 05/04/2022 10:08

Ultimately it's your choice and yours alone. If he's controlling you, don't tell him what your plans are, just go and do it. You can always make a story up and claim you had a miscarriage. If you don't want the baby, don't have it.

Whatwouldscullydo · 05/04/2022 10:09

I personally don't think the decision should really lie with the person who doesn't have to house and feed the baby with their body and has fully maintained ( full time work , social circle etc ) the ways and means to bugger off when ever they feel like it and play Disney dad EOW.

Sartre · 05/04/2022 10:10

Your body, your choice. Having another baby months after giving birth is an enormous strain on a woman’s body and it sounds like you had a tough time with your last pregnancy too. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant again if I were you and I think termination is the most sensible solution.

Aprilx · 05/04/2022 10:10

I can understand various different perspectives on this dilemma, but ultimately I think that your health has to come first and it sounds like this would be detrimental for your to continue with it.

cornflakedreams · 05/04/2022 10:11

That's not how someone who loves you should behave. I am sorry he treats you so poorly.

It's your body, your health and your choice.

gamerchick · 05/04/2022 10:11

It's up to you OP. It's your body.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/04/2022 10:11

@Skelligsfeathers

Difficult situation but your body, your choice ultimately.
This.

If needed i would tell him you miscarried. 1 in 4 end that way.

DrSbaitso · 05/04/2022 10:12

Would it be unreasonable to have a termination?

No. And I hope that in time you can also terminate this horrible relationship.

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 10:13

He doesn't get a vote. Do what's best for you. If your relationship ends because of it, good. He sounds horrible.

ikeepseeingit · 05/04/2022 10:15

If you have to, then you don’t have to tell him you’re having an abortion at all. Tell him you lost the baby. I’m sorry he’s not supportive. Your body, your choice.

DrSbaitso · 05/04/2022 10:17

Put it this way, OP. If he were for one whose body and mental health were being wrecked by all this and faced more of the same, what do you think he'd do? Is he an incredibly selfless and morally upstanding person who puts others before himself?

WeAllHaveWings · 05/04/2022 10:17

You need to keep talking, start by telling him using emotive, immature, and frankly disgusting, language such as murder is unacceptable in this context.

It is your decision and you 100% need to follow what you need.

If you can't talk it out, your relationship is pretty much doomed and it will be due to his attitude.

Whatever00 · 05/04/2022 10:18

It's your choice. It your body and your health. However, it could end your marriage.

PerseverancePays · 05/04/2022 10:19

It would not be unreasonable at all; you would be looking after the children you already have and yourself. Is your husband offering to stay at home full time so you can resume your working life? Thought not. And that is not even taking into account the physical and mental toll of carrying the baby to term. Look after yourself as he clearly isn't going to.
I second not telling him. Terminations are hard enough without his bullshit.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 10:22

Rather than guilting you into carrying on, has he offered a support idea eg childcare/working from home etc?

Given it’s you that has to carry, I’d say it’s your choice.

picklemewalnuts · 05/04/2022 10:23

I'm one of those annoying pro choice but anti abortion types. Despite that,
It seems to me you need to terminate. Your partner's behaviour is controlling and abusive- at least right now.

Do what you need to do.

Small caveat- is this definitely what you want, would you usually be a 'I'd never do that!' person? When we're tired and overwhelmed, we sometimes feel we can't do things that actually we can and would want to on a good day. If that's not you, then you should go for it.

Do what you need to do. He doesn't get to coerce you in this way.

Thatswhyimacat · 05/04/2022 10:24

I'm sorry that he is treating you this way OP, and making you doubt the validity of your own feelings. You sound like you have thought this through very well and are trying to do the best for yourself and the children you already have as well as your relationship, I have no doubt it's a difficult decision but don't let him emotionally manipulate you into making a choice that isn't right for you.

catscatscatseverywhere · 05/04/2022 10:25

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SummerySumner · 05/04/2022 10:26

Your body your choice.

However how do you not know that breastfeeding is not contraception?

Limer · 05/04/2022 10:28

Your body, your choice.

Reading your post, if I was you, I'd have a termination ASAP. With no regrets. It's obviously the best choice for you.

Chely · 05/04/2022 10:30

Well you've been bit daft, others judgement should not concern you though. If you want the baby enough you could make it work. If you don't nobody should judge you for making the decision to terminate. He may be unhappy with it but if he loves you enough he will support you through it, whatever you decide. It's your body so you should always have the deciding vote on such things. Good luck with whatever you do.

Wondergirl100 · 05/04/2022 10:31

I have read that breastfeeding is contraception but generally has to be carried out very intensely - ie. in the past it would have been on demand and no other sources of milk. As most mothers now don't feed that much it doesn't work so well.

OP what a horrible situation - particularly that your partner is being so unsupportive. How dare he call it murder - so emotive and unhelpful.

Have the two of you managed to sit down and talk calmly? Could you have some counselling? I think Marie Stopes offer pre-termination counselling?

You don't want to have the baby and in the end it will be you who deals with this and has the right to decide whether to go ahead.

I have a few friends where the third child has had a very negative impact - particularly whre one person more strongly wanted the third child.

You will be sick/ pregnant with a small baby - absolutely exhausting. You will be struggling with a 4 year old and 2 year old and a newborn - I mean - fuck me that will be seirous shit.

Think ahead - with 3 under 5 if you feel anger at him at forcing you into this it could destroy your marriage anyway.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 05/04/2022 10:31

Your choice, not his.

You're risking your mental and physical health, and have 2 v young DC to care for already.

Your relationship may end either way, he sounds quite nasty.

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