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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to terminate pregnancy but he doesn’t

87 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 05/04/2022 10:05

We have two kids already, DD is 3 and a handful. DS was born in January. I had lots of health complications and extra scans and was depressed all through the last pregnancy.
I am pregnant again despite braestfeeding. With my first child my periods didn’t come back for a year Blush I am mortified to be pregnant again so soon. I don’t know if I can tell anyone IRL without lots of judging!!

Anyway. Dp wants to keep it. Is acting very selfish and controlling. I would LOVE to keep the baby but we are financially strapped and have no family around to help. The last two babies took it out of me to the point where I’ve given up all hobbies and socialising. He complains that I’m boring now. It’s called being tired!!!! I try to explain another baby = more exhaustion. He says abortion is murder and I’ll regret it forever. I feel like I’ll regret going through another pregnancy so soon. I feel like my body has crumbled away just having two babies. My pelvic floor is wrecked not to mention my mental health.

Would it be unreasonable to have a termination?

(I appreciate this could end up very politicised I just want to know what other mothers have done / would do in this scenario, thanks)

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 05/04/2022 10:33

I do think he does get a say, is allowed to voice what he would like to do. But ultimately it comes down to what you want and he should support that. You have to have the baby, and will be responsible if he decides to feck off.

You really need to think about what you want. I know you can't know how you will feel in future, but try and envision it.

As pp's have said you could 'miscarry' it does happen a lot.

How far along are you?

Hospedia · 05/04/2022 10:34

It's your body, take your DH's thoughts and feelings out of the equation - what do you want to do?

If you continue the pregnancy, you're going to be doing it more or less alone because he's not supportive and isn't a hands-on parent. You'll resent him so there's probably a chance it'll end your marriage.

If you don't continue the pregnancy, you're going to be raising your other two DC more or less alone because he's not supportive and isn't a hands-on parent. He'll resent you so there's probably a chance it will end your marriage.

Either way, you're going to be carrying the bulk of the parenting load so the decision here is do you want to do that with two children or with three?

I'm sorry it's a shitty situation Flowers

SouperNoodle · 05/04/2022 10:34

It's your body so ultimately your choice.

If you do decide to terminate, please go to your gp to discuss contraception. Despite what old wives tales say, breastfeeding does not prevent pregnancy.

Iwonder08 · 05/04/2022 10:35

Forget finances, it is really not good for you to have another baby if you gave birth in January. Your body needs time to recover. Health reasons alone would make me terminate. Your existing children need their mother to be healthy

Hospedia · 05/04/2022 10:35

As an aside, it would be great if people could stop jumping on OP's contraception choices (or lack of). Hindsight isn't going to magically undo the pregnancy and there were two people involved, her DH is has a dick and so is capable of wearing a condom.

Sparklybanana · 05/04/2022 10:37

You will regret it forever, but the reasons to say no will always be valid and you won't regret the reasons. I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy and it was the wrong time so we had to get an abortion. I was always think of this very special person who I couldn't help come into the world, but the reasons were valid and I made the right choice. We now have a 3rd child who wouldn't have been here if not for that choice. You have to do what's right for you. Good luck.

elliejjtiny · 05/04/2022 10:41

Yanbu. I was in a similar situation to you and I kept the baby. He is now nearly 8 and I love him so much but it's been extremely hard.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 05/04/2022 10:45

He's complaining about things with 2 dc and he wants to add another? Seems risky all round.
I would be terminating. You could well end up on your own with 3.

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 10:46

Sorry for being so harsh

Not sure you are, really. There are much kinder ways to make this point.

Bubblesgun · 05/04/2022 10:46

Hi @letmeeatcrisps

I feel for you. I had 2 terminations in the past because of my fear of not being able to cope with a 3rd child. For the first abortion it was because I was in the middle of PND. My 2nd child was just a year old. The second one was because I was fearful to have PND again and I didnt want to risk my relationship and the caring I was giving my 2. I was also just recovering my relationship with my husband and didnt want to jeopardise that either.

So my only advice to you is listen to yourself, to your gut feeling. Try to talk it through with your GP if you can. But ultimately YOU get to make the final decision.

Of course it is easier when our partners are on board, my husband was always happy for me to do what was best for me, but it is all about YOU and what you want. Please dont loose sight of that. It is your body. You are carrying the baby so it has to be your ultimate decision.

If he is supportive, he should / will accept that.

Good luck

SweetPeaGirl · 05/04/2022 10:47

This is your choice, not his. If you're able to get some space - maybe just emotionally since physically would be hard - have a proper think about what you want.

It may also be a good idea to get some medical advice, since having babies so close together comes with extra risks.

springtimeishereagain · 05/04/2022 10:48

It's your body, so your choice. Big hugs.

What is your h like with your current dc? Is he a good, involved parent? Does he do his share around the house? From what you've said here, he sounds absolutely awful. I'd never have sex with him again, and I'd be seriously considering my options for leaving him.

whumpthereitis · 05/04/2022 10:48

Why would she regret it forever? Plenty of women don’t Hmm

Op, as much as he may be entitled to his opinion, you’re the one that’s going to have to bear the physical and mental burden of going through an unwanted pregnancy, and doing the majority of childcare afterwards. You have to do what’s right for you here. If need be, tell him you miscarried.

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 10:48

I was in a similar situation to you and I kept the baby. He is now nearly 8 and I love him so much but it's been extremely hard.

I’m the result of a “breastfeeding isn’t contraception” oops. Whilst I am of course glad I exist, I think OP should make the best decision for her.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 05/04/2022 10:50

You are absolutely not in the wrong to make the right choice for you no matter how strongly he wants to keep the pregnancy. You are clearly not only thinking about the impact upon yourself (which is more than reason enough) but also your other children and long term. His feelings towards a pregnancy does not override yours and you ultimately have the choice.

I also wouldn't start lying about having a miscarriage unless you felt unsafe to tell the truth. If you do feel unsafe to tell the truth you need to really consider why you're in the relationship and if this is what is best for you and your children. There's help available on here if you need it.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2022 10:51

I would dump the useless inconsiderate man. Your decision about the baby.

Ponoka7 · 05/04/2022 10:51

"You will regret it forever"

Not necessarily. We couldn't have managed a fourth child, we had two with SN and my husband was retired because of bad health. I can't imagine how scary it would be to be forced to give birth.

EthelTheAardvark · 05/04/2022 10:53

@Whatever00

It's your choice. It your body and your health. However, it could end your marriage.
It doesn't sound like that would necessarily be any loss.
Janek · 05/04/2022 10:54

Your perfectly valid reasons for having an abortion (and I would in your situation) pale into insignificance next to your dh's unreasonable reaction, which is an even more compelling reason to terminate.

Figgygal · 05/04/2022 10:55

Id prioritise your current childrens standards of living and your own health and terminate
Id also seriously consider whether i could stay in my relationship and contraception wouldnt be an issue as id not let him anywhere near me again

Horst · 05/04/2022 10:55

Get a termination and tell him you had a mc. Then get on contraceptives.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 10:56

Is he aware that’s it’s not generally advisable to have another pregnancy so soon after especially if that pregnancy was complicated eg is he aware of risks re prem birth. If you are stretched now how would you hope if you were on bed rest or if baby 3 was born very early with complex health issues requiring lifelong care.
I’d do what’s best for you and your 2 existing children.

peachy3 · 05/04/2022 10:56

He’s wrong and unreasonable for saying abortion is murder and trying to guilt you out of it, it is your body that will grow this baby at the end of the day so the decision is yours. I don’t think he’s necessarily being unreasonable to want to keep it and to be honest about it to you. You of course are not being unreasonable to not want to go through pregnancy again, especially so soon after a challenging pregnancy. It really is down to you, your body your choice.

AllCatsAreBeautiful · 05/04/2022 10:56

To the poster above who said “you will regret it forever”, that is absolute harmful nonsense. Clearly someone women do regret abortions, but that’s not a guaranteed feeling, and some women regret having an additional child that they don’t want. Only the OP can judge how she will feel — if she had the child, she is equally as likely to regret THAT decision forever. Given that she is already very clear that she wants to terminate the pregnancy, she is much more likely to be in the second category than the first. OP don’t be guilted into keeping a pregnancy that you don’t want by this kind of emotive language — I had an abortion a few years ago and I have never regretted it; I’m fact I am grateful every day that I was able to make a decision that supported the life I want.

As PPs have said, if you want the termination you should have it. If you don’t have the energy to have a big fight with your partner about it then you can always claim it was a miscarriage, and wait until you have more energy/headspace before making any decisions about the relationship.

ExMachinaDeus · 05/04/2022 10:57

Please do t let ANYONE guilt you into keeping this pregnancy. (It’s not a “baby”)

Your partner doesn’t sound like a particularly good father or supportive partner. Blaming you for being tired etc. I expect if you asked him to take the maternity leave and take on the main responsibilities for caring for another newborn, he’d have another think.

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