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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to terminate pregnancy but he doesn’t

87 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 05/04/2022 10:05

We have two kids already, DD is 3 and a handful. DS was born in January. I had lots of health complications and extra scans and was depressed all through the last pregnancy.
I am pregnant again despite braestfeeding. With my first child my periods didn’t come back for a year Blush I am mortified to be pregnant again so soon. I don’t know if I can tell anyone IRL without lots of judging!!

Anyway. Dp wants to keep it. Is acting very selfish and controlling. I would LOVE to keep the baby but we are financially strapped and have no family around to help. The last two babies took it out of me to the point where I’ve given up all hobbies and socialising. He complains that I’m boring now. It’s called being tired!!!! I try to explain another baby = more exhaustion. He says abortion is murder and I’ll regret it forever. I feel like I’ll regret going through another pregnancy so soon. I feel like my body has crumbled away just having two babies. My pelvic floor is wrecked not to mention my mental health.

Would it be unreasonable to have a termination?

(I appreciate this could end up very politicised I just want to know what other mothers have done / would do in this scenario, thanks)

OP posts:
CheeryTreeBlossom · 05/04/2022 10:58

It's recommended to wait a year after birth to allow recovery before getting pregnant again. That's for the muscles, pelvic floor etc but also your iron stores and other nutrient levels to recover so you are more likely to have a safe 2nd pregnancy. Even more so if previous birth was c section. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to want to prioritise your recovery and ability to care for your existing children.
How will this affect you financially? I know I would have to repay my additional maternity pay if I didn't go back to work after so that alone would cripple us.
Ultimately it is your choice and it doesn't sound like he's really giving any great arguments on why you should go through this, or promising to provide the additional support you will need.
As for suggesting you're boring because you're busy caring for his children?! What a prince Angry

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 11:00

@DrSbaitso

Would it be unreasonable to have a termination?

No. And I hope that in time you can also terminate this horrible relationship.

I agree with this
BeardyButton · 05/04/2022 11:00

You know what you have to do…. Your body. Your choice.

catscatscatseverywhere · 05/04/2022 11:01

@BoredZelda

Sorry for being so harsh

Not sure you are, really. There are much kinder ways to make this point.

Not my problem. I don't need to assure you in any way.
Teael · 05/04/2022 11:01

I would terminate. And ring women's aid. All the best, OP.

RegardingMary · 05/04/2022 11:03

Have the termination.

If you feel he'll kick up a fuss tell him you miscarried. But reconsider your relationship.

And get some protection.

latriciamcneal · 05/04/2022 11:04

Legally and practically you can have this abortion. Morally doesn't really come into it because it's only your morals that can dictate that. It's a personal feeling and I'm not sure there is a moral answer. Abortion isn't nice but bringing a child into a situation where they are not wanted is also not nice.

You either have it and make do because you feel the abortion would be wrong for whatever reason, or you abort and deal with what sounds like will be an extremely hostile situation and a difficult relationship with your partner and children from here on out.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 11:05

If you don't want to have this baby it's 100% your choice. I fear that whatever you decide might have a lasting effect on your relationship though

pocketbunny · 05/04/2022 11:06

My only concern is that with it being so soon after delivering your son and now being pregnant, your hormones and usual thought patterns could be affected.

Can you speak to a doctor and other parents who have had babies so close together, or terminated a wrongly timed conception? Just to get some support for the decision you are making.

Good luck x

Soubriquet · 05/04/2022 11:07

Your body, your choice.

If he really is being possessive, you could tell him you miscarried. May not be morally right, but it may get him off your back

CounsellorTroi · 05/04/2022 11:08

It’s your choice entirely.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/04/2022 11:15

I’m firmly of the view that the lives that already exist take priority over those that don’t. So do what is right for you.

In your shoes I would have an abortion. Your existing children need a healthy and functioning mother.

Your post also raises a few red flags for me. Is there a reason why you were not using contraception other than breast feeding?? There is a pattern of abusive men trying to have several children with very small age gaps as a way of trapping their partners. It also sounds like he doesn’t not pull his weight in caring for your existing children.

The idea of speaking to womens aid is a good one. Best wishes

Snoofox02 · 05/04/2022 11:16

I think if you terminate you will lose more then just a baby. It sounds like your husband will be resentful so you may lose him and your current family life (though you may lose it if your resentment builds anyways).

Tough decision.

Laiste · 05/04/2022 11:18

If you would lose him over this then he's not worth keeping.

Your body your choice.

A loving husband would respect your reasons.

Do what you feel is best for you AND your existing children.

Naunet · 05/04/2022 11:21

“You will regret it forever”
What a load of harmful bollocks. I had a termination, never regretted it a single day of my life. Stop pushing this narrative.

OP, he sounds like a shit father as it is, why does he even want another? Just because he likes to see you on your knees? Can you even be the mother want to be when you’re under this much stress and pressure? He gets no say, an opinion, sure, but not an actual say in it. Do what’s right for YOU.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2022 11:22

It sounds like bringing another baby into the family would be very difficult for you and your children. It is your body and your choice and your partner doesn’t sound supportive at all. Please do what is best for you and your existing children. If he decides to end the relationship because of it, he isn’t worth having around.

sheenapunk · 05/04/2022 11:23

It's the wrong time for you.

An unborn child needs a mother who is able and willing!

Good luck xxx

GrandTheftWalrus · 05/04/2022 11:24

I had a termination in January. We suspected there may have been a chance I was pregnant again after a drunken mistake. And we both came to the decision of not continuing on with it for mental, physical, and financial reasons. However it is my body and ultimately my decision.

So when it comes down to it, it is your decision. Don't listen to his guilt tripping you.

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 11:25

He sounds awful. Just a wild guess but is he the type who's left the vast majority of the grunt work of parenting to you?

I've been in your shoes. I've terminated while married and after two DC except my youngest was a year older than yours at the time. My husband wasn't happy about it but in reality it was his fault I made the decision I did and three years on I've never regretted it. While it wasn't a nice choice to make, ending the pregnancy was absolutely the right thing to do in the circumstances. I would have been a physical and emotional wreck if I'd gone ahead. As time has gone on I see all the benefits of sticking with two. And I didn't even have the health issues or financial worries you have - that situation would compel me even more to have an abortion.

If you feel strongly that you won't cope/will be damaged by having another child then the only voice you listen to is your own. Do t let him sway you. While he's entitled to his feelings they dont ever trump yours.

billy1966 · 05/04/2022 11:26

You are right to prioritise your health and existing children.

You are not describing a kind man, he sounds possibly abusive.

This is your body.

Do you work outside the home?
Does he do his share of parenting?

You write he is controlling?

Call Womens aid for a chat and support.

Do NOT be coerced into having a child that you feel you cannot have for health reasons.

A man who loved you, would not force this.

Be careful.Flowers

Mummysgonetobed · 05/04/2022 11:29

Your body your choice OP.
I’ve been in your position and I had the third child. It cost me my marriage. But I wouldn’t be without my children of course. Happily without the husband now!

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 11:30

@Nicholethejewellery

Ultimately it's your choice and yours alone. If he's controlling you, don't tell him what your plans are, just go and do it. You can always make a story up and claim you had a miscarriage. If you don't want the baby, don't have it.
I don't think lying is a good idea. If the only recourse is to lie then what does that say about the relationship. I agree about bodily agency but if the OP lies then they will have that hanging over them for the rest of the relationship.
pointythings · 05/04/2022 11:34

Your DP sounds dreadful. Is he offering to step up and do a lot more childcare, take the domestic load off you, support you through pregnancy and raising this third baby? No, thought not.

And even if he were, it is still your choice.

His 'abortion is murder' bullshit raises a host of red flags for me. I would strongly advise you to 1) not have another child with this man and 2) reconsider whether this is a relationship worth being in at all without very major changes on his part.

Momijin · 05/04/2022 11:37

How on earth does a mum of 2 in this day and age think that breastfeeding is a contraceptive?

You're in a tough situation op, hope it works out.

Outlyingtrout · 05/04/2022 11:41

It sounds to me like the relationship is over anyway and this is just the catalyst. If not this, it will eventually be something else.

Even in a healthy relationship this is a situation that some people would not be able to reconcile. A man has no right to dictate or pressure a woman into a decision on whether or not to keep a baby. He does have a right to his private feelings on it though and they may not be compatible with his partner's decision, however supportive he is of her right to decide.

Unfortunately your partner is not supportive whatsoever, does not respect your right to decide and does not take responsibility for the children you already have together (if he did, he wouldn't be accusing you of being "boring", he would be equally as tired as you are).

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