Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH prioritising work over my visit to terminally ill DM

77 replies

33goingon64 · 04/04/2022 19:46

This week was supposed to go like this:
DH flying off overseas today for a work thing.
Tomorrow 9am my ILs arrive to look after DC (age 6 and 11).
I would then drive 3 hours to visit my terminally ill DM in her care home, take her out for lunch, spend the afternoon clearing out her house, stay overnight at a nearby relative's, take her to hospital appt on Wed morning, stay with her a bit and then drive home 3 hours Wed eve.
DH returns home Fri.
(Context: DM has no other visitors this week as others who have been fantastic at visiting regularly are all busy. She sits in her room all day if she has no visitors. I only get to see every 2-3 weeks)

However DS2 tested positive this morning so now DH can't go to his thing abroad (company rules) and we aren't prepared to let ILs look after DS when he's positive (friends and holiday clubs are out too, obvs).

So DH is now working from home this week. My plan can involve going a little later and returning a little earlier than planned but to make it worth going all that way I can't alter the timetable too much.

DH is annoyed that I still plan to go up in the morning and return early evening the next day, being away best part of 2 working days. I imagine he believes he has the right to a peaceful uninterrupted week of work (made possibly 99% of the time because I run around entertaining the DC, keep house and fit in whatever freelance work I can in the time left, while he sails on).

I'm annoyed because I don't think he's thinking about this from anyone's perspective but his own. He wasn't even meant to be doing his regular work this week (it was a separate work thing, not his usual job). Yes it will be annoying if the DC make a bit of noise while he's on a call but over the holidays I have to deal with it all the time.

He thinks I should change my plan so that I'm only away 24 hours. If I did that I'd be arriving with her as she's getting into bed tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
marjayy · 04/04/2022 19:47

Should you really be visiting a care home if there's covid in your household?

I'm not sure it's a good idea to go near very elderly unwell people.

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2022 19:49

Yes, if your DS has Covid you shouldn’t be going into a care home

AlternativePerspective · 04/04/2022 19:51

Tbh, I wouldn’t travel to see your mum if your DS has tested positive for COVID.

She is terminally ill so will be vulnerable. Added to which you are going into a hospital where there will be lots of other vulnerable people.

As your DS has tested positive there’s every chance you will too in the not too distant future, and meanwhile you may be carrying it.

The hospital will likely ask if you’ve been in contact with anyone who has tested positive within the last 10 days, mine does. I don’t know exactly what happens if you say yes, but you will likely be asked to leave so as not to potentially infect any staff and patients.

discodannie · 04/04/2022 19:51

Are you still going to a care home, hospital appt and rels house with possible covid?

nocoolnamesleft · 04/04/2022 19:51

I wouldn't go into a care home with a positive household contact.

Chicaontour · 04/04/2022 19:52

Sorry OP, your husband is a prize prick of epic proportions. However I do agree that you are a close contact and a risk to vulnerable people

RegardingMary · 04/04/2022 19:53

As much as YANBU to expect him to do the child care.

YABU to visit someone in a care home as a covid contact.

Quartz2208 · 04/04/2022 19:54

I think realistically going to see her with covid in the household isnt a good idea.

That said I think you need a long chat with your husband about the division of labour and the fact you deal with it

MiddleParking · 04/04/2022 19:54

You sound a lot calmer than I’d be in the face of his behaviour. That’s marriage-threatening selfishness.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/04/2022 19:55

As someone who works in a care home may I ask you to please, PLEASE not go.

We had covid where I work an the strain it put on us was horrendous.

Plus, the people I look after are young and robust. Elderly care may have a very different outcome.

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2022 19:56

I go into care homes for my job and none of the ones I visit would allow people to visit with covid in the household. Same with hospital appointments.

Horst · 04/04/2022 19:56

Yabu to visit a sick relative in a care home while someone in your house has covid.

Also wfh is still work.

Fireflygal · 04/04/2022 19:56

He is completely unreasonable and selfish.

If he told his work the situation I'm sure they would understand. He needs to give a reason why he can't.

You going as close contact is a separate issue and depends on the care home rules

NorthSouthcatlady · 04/04/2022 20:00

He sounds like a class a arsehole. He does know she is terminal l assume and he knows what that means? Especially with the back story of you normally doing the running around with children. He needs to step up

But with Covid in the house then going would be irresponsible

Original poster
33goingon64 · 04/04/2022 20:02

OK, well I would obviously do a test both tomorrow and on Wed and had thought I'd be OK to go as long as I was negative. The problem is that we don't have anyone else who can take her to her appointment (it's with the consultant and he's likely to be telling DM how long she has left to live). I have tried to change the appointment but we can't. I totally accept what you're all saying.

OP posts:
Gindrinker43 · 04/04/2022 20:02

With a child at home with Covid you are at risk of getting it and passing it on to your Mum, it's still very dangerous in the frail elderly

AlternativePerspective · 04/04/2022 20:05

I don’t actually see what the DH has done wrong here.

He’s working. Just because he’s at home doesn’t mean he’s not working.

They have decided they don’t want ILs looking after the kids presumably because they don’t want to expose them to COVID. Yet OP is prepared to expose her terminally ill mother and several other care home residents not to mention hospital staff and patients to COVID?

If DS has tested positive then everyone’s plans have to change.

If there are issues re division of labour on the whole then that is something which needs to be discussed. But in this instance OP is the one being unreasonable.

AlternativePerspective · 04/04/2022 20:07

OP the hospital won’t let you in if you’ve been exposed to COVID.

It’s not ideal but can she get hospital transport? Does she have capacity?if not could the appointment be changed to a telephone appointment where you speak to the consultant?

Fuuuuuckit · 04/04/2022 20:08

My aunt's care home does not allow visitors if there is a positive case in the household. At all.

Can the home facilitate a Zoom call to you and hospital? Or can you postpone the appointment? (I mean this objectively, and sensitively op - delaying the appointment does not change the prognosis, just the length of time she might have left to enjoy. Please don't potentially reduce this by taking covid from your home to hers)

Wnikat · 04/04/2022 20:13

If your kid has BA2 you will almost certainly get it.

Original poster
33goingon64 · 04/04/2022 20:13

@Fuuuuuckit

My aunt's care home does not allow visitors if there is a positive case in the household. At all.

Can the home facilitate a Zoom call to you and hospital? Or can you postpone the appointment? (I mean this objectively, and sensitively op - delaying the appointment does not change the prognosis, just the length of time she might have left to enjoy. Please don't potentially reduce this by taking covid from your home to hers)

Yes I think I am seeing that way now. I hadn't thought about a Zoom call. That's a great idea. Then I could join in from home. She's lost quite a bit of capacity though so not sure how that would work but it's worth a try. The care home always asks you to do a test when you visit but they've never asked about cases at home. (It's not been relevant to use before).
OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 04/04/2022 20:32

You can’t go to the carehome with covid in your household. That’s just beyond selfish sorry. Your dh is still working and can’t be entertaining kids. You need to stay home and rearrange the visit.

marjayy · 04/04/2022 20:34

DH had covid. It took me 8 days to start testing positive. I think it has an incubation period of up to 10 days.

Definitely do not go into a care home if you're in daily contact with a covid positive person.

TeacupDrama · 04/04/2022 20:42

sometimes to be with terminally ill is more important than avoiding covid, who wants to spend their last few days alone because of covid they are dying anyway regardless just alone instead of with their loved ones it is different if someone has months to live but when it's days covid becomes irrelevant
I read today that the all people in care homes will have a right to one visitor even if covid in homes such is the detrimental effect of isolation especially on those with dementia etc
if the OP's mother has dementia she may feel abandoned by her daughter when she needs her most , there is some evidence that zoom is not so good with dementia patients as they don't connect the picture tothe situation

marjayy · 04/04/2022 20:47

@TeacupDrama

sometimes to be with terminally ill is more important than avoiding covid, who wants to spend their last few days alone because of covid they are dying anyway regardless just alone instead of with their loved ones it is different if someone has months to live but when it's days covid becomes irrelevant I read today that the all people in care homes will have a right to one visitor even if covid in homes such is the detrimental effect of isolation especially on those with dementia etc if the OP's mother has dementia she may feel abandoned by her daughter when she needs her most , there is some evidence that zoom is not so good with dementia patients as they don't connect the picture tothe situation
And if the DM, half the care home residents and staff catch the covid that op could be incubating?