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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH prioritising work over my visit to terminally ill DM

77 replies

33goingon64 · 04/04/2022 19:46

This week was supposed to go like this:
DH flying off overseas today for a work thing.
Tomorrow 9am my ILs arrive to look after DC (age 6 and 11).
I would then drive 3 hours to visit my terminally ill DM in her care home, take her out for lunch, spend the afternoon clearing out her house, stay overnight at a nearby relative's, take her to hospital appt on Wed morning, stay with her a bit and then drive home 3 hours Wed eve.
DH returns home Fri.
(Context: DM has no other visitors this week as others who have been fantastic at visiting regularly are all busy. She sits in her room all day if she has no visitors. I only get to see every 2-3 weeks)

However DS2 tested positive this morning so now DH can't go to his thing abroad (company rules) and we aren't prepared to let ILs look after DS when he's positive (friends and holiday clubs are out too, obvs).

So DH is now working from home this week. My plan can involve going a little later and returning a little earlier than planned but to make it worth going all that way I can't alter the timetable too much.

DH is annoyed that I still plan to go up in the morning and return early evening the next day, being away best part of 2 working days. I imagine he believes he has the right to a peaceful uninterrupted week of work (made possibly 99% of the time because I run around entertaining the DC, keep house and fit in whatever freelance work I can in the time left, while he sails on).

I'm annoyed because I don't think he's thinking about this from anyone's perspective but his own. He wasn't even meant to be doing his regular work this week (it was a separate work thing, not his usual job). Yes it will be annoying if the DC make a bit of noise while he's on a call but over the holidays I have to deal with it all the time.

He thinks I should change my plan so that I'm only away 24 hours. If I did that I'd be arriving with her as she's getting into bed tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 04/04/2022 20:48

We visited my FIL in his carehome on Friday. Had to complete a lengthy form asking about contacts. Also complete a test. You wouldn’t be allowed in at his carehome I’m afraid.

Itsbackagain · 04/04/2022 21:40

Flipping heck - you shouldn't be going near a care home or a hospital if a member of your household is positive for covid.

Original poster
33goingon64 · 05/04/2022 08:47

Interestingly I phoned the home to tell them and it wasn't a blanket refusal. I think they would have let me still come with my own negative test but when I said he was 6 and we hadn't isolated him they then said it would be best if I didn't go. I'm surprised as so many of you know homes that would point blank refuse entry. Anyway, so I'm not going and we'll have to see if the consultant will do a Zoom or phone meeting. If not, looks like we won't get to see him for months. Thank you all for replying.

OP posts:
Cafog · 05/04/2022 08:53

Sorry you're in this situation OP. I work in a hospital and we also don't let patients/SOs in with a positive case at home. Each Trust is different but the details should be ob your mum's appointment letter.

Indicatrice · 05/04/2022 08:54

I’m sorry the visit is not possible, OP. I know my mum would have been upset.

It seems in all this it’s got lost that your DH is being extremely self-serving and selfish, and I hope it’s made you realise that you don’t always need to run around after everyone and to let dh ‘sail on’.

Why are you free lance? Is it to enable him to work?

knittingaddict · 05/04/2022 08:56

@33goingon64

OK, well I would obviously do a test both tomorrow and on Wed and had thought I'd be OK to go as long as I was negative. The problem is that we don't have anyone else who can take her to her appointment (it's with the consultant and he's likely to be telling DM how long she has left to live). I have tried to change the appointment but we can't. I totally accept what you're all saying.
Can't someone in the care home take her? It's not ideal obviously, but I would not be going into a care home, spend time with a vulnerable person and then go to a hospital if you've been a close contact to someone with covid.

My mum has just gone into a care home and had a hospital appointment last week and this week for possible cancer. For various reasons none of her children could go with her. Last week we paid for a carer and this week the care home staff are taking her. There must be a solution to this as many elderly people won't have family who can help.

Apart from this, your husband should be doing all he can to support you.

Yellownightmare · 05/04/2022 09:13

Your husband is being awful though whether or not going is a bad idea. Putting work above a terminal ill relative is selfish in the extreme.

Zilla1 · 05/04/2022 09:18

Putting aside the COVID dimension which depends of location, care home and hospital policy and the balance of health risk to your DM against the practicalities of a terminal diagnosis, in response to your original question, your DP is completely unreasonable.

TabithaHazel · 05/04/2022 09:23

I voted YABU as a close member of your household has covid and you are planning to go to a care home. For what it's worth, a couple of people I know who have had whatever the latest strain of covid is had negative LFTs and only tested positive on a PCR, so I wouldn't risk it.

DistrictCommissioner · 05/04/2022 09:23

If we leave out the Covid/care home/hospital bit, your DH was completely unreasonable.

AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 09:26

Can someone from the care home take your mum to her appointment and zoom you into it?

I’m sorry but like others I don’t think you should be going with COVID in the house.

sillysmiles · 05/04/2022 09:35

Leaving aside the covid situation, it sounds as though your DH hasn't seen any of this from your point of view. Maybe you need to bluntly spell out what you are dealing with - having a terminally ill DM that you can't visit.

I would still get out of the house, go for a walk on your own and leave him with your DC for a while. I guess you are having a lot to process at the moment and could do with the head space. Flowers

dammit88 · 05/04/2022 09:38

I feel so sorry for you OP. I don't think you were being unreasonable. You are just trying to do right by your mum. I hope you get to see her soon.

Scianel · 05/04/2022 09:39

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad

maddy68 · 05/04/2022 09:41

I don't think any of you should be going with a covid + in the household

bellac11 · 05/04/2022 09:43

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
I agree, its like covid is the only thing that matters.
MoiraNotRuby · 05/04/2022 09:45

I think your husband is incredibly selfish. Mine was the same... most of the time you mentally excuse this and then when confronted with them still putting themselves first even above a dying loved one, its really hard to cope with. I am separated now and never again going to allow anyone to compromise my last moments with family.

I hope your DS isn't too poorly and the rest of you stay clear of it. Good luck for the times ahead with your mum.

Girlmum91 · 05/04/2022 09:45

Yabvu wanting to visit your Mum while most likely Covid positive and also for expecting your husband to be able to work while looking after a child. Yanbu to want to see your Mum (and it sounds like you're a lovely daughter).

Indicatrice · 05/04/2022 09:48

@Girlmum91

Yabvu wanting to visit your Mum while most likely Covid positive and also for expecting your husband to be able to work while looking after a child. Yanbu to want to see your Mum (and it sounds like you're a lovely daughter).
YABU for not RTFT.
Chonfox · 05/04/2022 09:48

YANBU, this is just typical male entitlement. Nothing - and I mean nothing - would keep me from seeing my mother if she was terminally ill. Tell him to suck it up. I would find his selfishness deeply unattractive.

knittingaddict · 05/04/2022 09:51

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
I'm not overlooking it.

My mum likely has bowel cancer which will be terminal. I still couldnt visit her when she was i a care home and I had contact with covid.
The op hasn't said that she is likely to die in the next two weeks. She can delay the visit, arrange for the care home to sort out the hospital appointment and visit when she's out of the woods covidwise.

The husband does need to give much more support though.

StrawBeretMoose · 05/04/2022 09:54

Just sending 💐 OP as you're in a very difficult situation and could do with support from DH, even if you can't go, he should be doing what he can to help you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/04/2022 09:56

Yes it is massively self centred of your OH.

To me, it would largely depend on time scales... If your mum is in the last days of her life... I'd move heaven and earth.

If she's been given a year to live?

Delay til its smoother for you to visit.

SolasAnla · 05/04/2022 09:59

@AlternativePerspective

I don’t actually see what the DH has done wrong here.

He’s working. Just because he’s at home doesn’t mean he’s not working.

They have decided they don’t want ILs looking after the kids presumably because they don’t want to expose them to COVID. Yet OP is prepared to expose her terminally ill mother and several other care home residents not to mention hospital staff and patients to COVID?

If DS has tested positive then everyone’s plans have to change.

If there are issues re division of labour on the whole then that is something which needs to be discussed. But in this instance OP is the one being unreasonable.

@AlternativePerspective He was due to travel for work. The OP also works.

If the OP had not planed to visit her mum she would have had sole responibilty for the 2 children for a longer period of time, (even if they would be in school for most of the day) while also working.

If she was working and the 6yr old is sick and DH is away what is the OPs solution?

In this instance she, like her DH, was scheduled to "working away" yet is expected to change her prior commitments to accomadate her DH's new work schedule.

Covid has not factored into DH's objection, he did not suggest it was not safe for the OP's mum. If he is ok with the visit, then objection is around how parenting solo impacts his choice to working full time.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 10:00

Your dh is a dick but I wouldn't be going into a care home if a family member I lived with had covid, taking her into hospital for an appointment would be a no too

Why isn't one of the staff taking her?