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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH prioritising work over my visit to terminally ill DM

77 replies

33goingon64 · 04/04/2022 19:46

This week was supposed to go like this:
DH flying off overseas today for a work thing.
Tomorrow 9am my ILs arrive to look after DC (age 6 and 11).
I would then drive 3 hours to visit my terminally ill DM in her care home, take her out for lunch, spend the afternoon clearing out her house, stay overnight at a nearby relative's, take her to hospital appt on Wed morning, stay with her a bit and then drive home 3 hours Wed eve.
DH returns home Fri.
(Context: DM has no other visitors this week as others who have been fantastic at visiting regularly are all busy. She sits in her room all day if she has no visitors. I only get to see every 2-3 weeks)

However DS2 tested positive this morning so now DH can't go to his thing abroad (company rules) and we aren't prepared to let ILs look after DS when he's positive (friends and holiday clubs are out too, obvs).

So DH is now working from home this week. My plan can involve going a little later and returning a little earlier than planned but to make it worth going all that way I can't alter the timetable too much.

DH is annoyed that I still plan to go up in the morning and return early evening the next day, being away best part of 2 working days. I imagine he believes he has the right to a peaceful uninterrupted week of work (made possibly 99% of the time because I run around entertaining the DC, keep house and fit in whatever freelance work I can in the time left, while he sails on).

I'm annoyed because I don't think he's thinking about this from anyone's perspective but his own. He wasn't even meant to be doing his regular work this week (it was a separate work thing, not his usual job). Yes it will be annoying if the DC make a bit of noise while he's on a call but over the holidays I have to deal with it all the time.

He thinks I should change my plan so that I'm only away 24 hours. If I did that I'd be arriving with her as she's getting into bed tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 05/04/2022 10:12

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Your dh is a dick but I wouldn't be going into a care home if a family member I lived with had covid, taking her into hospital for an appointment would be a no too

Why isn't one of the staff taking her?

What care homes have you been to that have the staff to spare for patient transport to hospital appointments? That’s never been possible in any I’ve know of. Perhaps some are different and much much better staffed.

OP I’m sorry you can’t see your mum. Hopefully a zoom appointment will work.

I think your DH was being unreasonable. This is a period of crisis for your family and he’s going to have to make some adjustments. There may be times he can’t work quite as usual. This is normal when a parent has a terminal illness, even for those of us who work in literally life-saving jobs (I assume his is not quite in that category…..).

There are lots of compromises ahead for him if he is to offer you appropriate support.

Take care.

Abraxan · 05/04/2022 10:25

@33goingon64

Interestingly I phoned the home to tell them and it wasn't a blanket refusal. I think they would have let me still come with my own negative test but when I said he was 6 and we hadn't isolated him they then said it would be best if I didn't go. I'm surprised as so many of you know homes that would point blank refuse entry. Anyway, so I'm not going and we'll have to see if the consultant will do a Zoom or phone meeting. If not, looks like we won't get to see him for months. Thank you all for replying.
Dh visits care homes as part of his job. Even this week after the relaxation of rules he has to take a test at the door and sign to say he hasn't been in close contact with covid for 10 days.

Even if they let you in, how would you feel if you tested positive in a couple of days time or you received a call to tell you your mum and:or care givers were positive a few days after your visit?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 10:27

All the ones I've worked in, family members can't take those who have mobility problems, many wouldn't be able to cope with family members who have dementia . Some people don't have family

Usually left us short staffed on the floor

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 10:28

Or they sent the activities co ordinator

Abraxan · 05/04/2022 10:29

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
But her mum isn't the only person this would affect sadly. A care home is full of vulnerable people who will be potentially exposed to covid.

And actually ANY virus or infection should be avoided surely when visiting vulnerable people.

The OP doesn't say they are in the final stage with her passing being imminent. Being terminal doesn't necessarily mean it will happen in the next few days.

That would of course change things and a more 'safe for other residents and carers' approach could be arranged.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 10:29

I can’t imagine visiting a care home with someone positive at home. That could be devastating for the home.

On an aside, I think your dh could take leave or suck it up given he expects you to do so.

melj1213 · 05/04/2022 10:34

What care homes have you been to that have the staff to spare for patient transport to hospital appointments? That’s never been possible in any I’ve know of. Perhaps some are different and much much better staffed.

All four of the care homes that my grandparents were in would happily arrange for transport to hospital with a carer. If someone doesn't have family and they have hospital appointments then the staff have to have some sort of system to get them there and back. We had to pay for the service but we happily did so if it meant DGPs could still attend appointments even when we physically couldn't facilitate it.

In fact they would happily arrange transport anywhere if given enough notice - when my brother got married, the home my grandmother was in (all other GPs had passed away by then) arranged the taxi and carer to accompany her to the venue for the ceremony and we arranged with the home that we would call them when DGM was ready to return home and they would send out a taxi and carer to collect her. We were available to collect her but she was in wheelchair and so it was easier for the home to arrange an accessible taxi than try to get her in and out of her chair/cars multiple times. They would even have arranged for a carer to have stayed with DGM all day if we wanted but there was enough family around to push her chair, help her do things and keep her company that it wasn't necessary.

CornishGem1975 · 05/04/2022 10:36

As others have said, I wouldn't be going near a care home if there was COVID in my household, even if my mother was terminally ill. It affects everybody - what about the other people there? or the staff? My own DM is in a care home and we're still very restricted on visiting, I'd be fuming if people were so blatantly disregarding other people. I'm sure they probably do, but that doesn't make it right.

Your DH should probably step up but then I also work from home and know how hard it can be sometimes. It's not always possible to take leave at short notice either.

alltheteeshirts · 05/04/2022 10:47

Ordinarily, you would be unreasonable to expect your DH to look after your DS whilst your DH was working.

As your DM is terminally ill though, he's unreasonable to not see this as an exceptional circumstance.

However... as your DS has Covid, you're unreasonable to want to visit a care home. You don't say how close to the end your DM is, but even if she was at the point where seeing you was more important than staying Covid-free, your presence would jeopardise care for the others in the home.

If it was possible for you to isolate from your DS properly and then test negative, that would be a different story, but it's hard with kids that small, and it doesn't sound like you want to do that anyway.

As has already been said, I think Zoom is your only answer here.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 10:47

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
Even more reason not to go in!

My grandad is dying, 2 days before he was due to be transfered out of hospital and into a care home he caught covid. He's probably in his final weeks but if he were to die now while he and the rest of the ward has covid then we wouldn't be allowed in

I'd be thinking about that op, if you give your mum covid or a member of staff who then passes it on to vulnerable people the nursing home will lack down until everyone tests negative

Your mum or another resident may then have to spend their last few days/weeks without family members being able to visit

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 10:49

I am sorry your dh seems to be showing his true colours. I would be very direct about your expectations of support and help going forward, it is moments like this you can really see someone's character.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/04/2022 10:49

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
That doesn't make it reasonable to potentially reduce her time to ten days - or that of any other residents, though. Or give the consultant Covid, plus any other patients they see over the rest of the week or take the Consultant out of performing surgery that could be life saving for other patients.

Without the Covid issue, definitely the OP should go as planned, but with it - that's not right.

maddy68 · 05/04/2022 11:43

The fact she is dying doesn't excuse the risk to others in the hospice. Nor to shorten her limited life by having to gasp for air.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/04/2022 12:10

My sister has just tested positive for covid, she had symptoms for 7 days (each day testing negative) then finally on day 8 she tested positive. There's no way I'd be going into a care home even with a negative test.

Original poster
33goingon64 · 05/04/2022 13:35

Thanks to you all for replying and for the kind words. I'm not going now and we'll just have to reschedule the consultant appointment. DM isn't near the end and there will be other visits. It was the fact that she had this appointment and that she tends to just sit in her room if she doesn't have a visitor.

In terms of DH, he's been fairly accommodating of my visits up to see her. But they've been during term time with DC at school. Going back to the AIBU, I feel he does prioritise his job over family stuff and he does rely heavily on me to do most of the the domestic stuff. I think that's a bigger issue and one I'm not going to solve quickly.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 05/04/2022 15:04

generally in end of life situations ( last 1-2 days) you can visit relatives in a care home even if home is shut due to covid, this happens in Scotland which is not known for laxity in covid rules
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-60945582
this is not saying you can visit when you have covid but that residents can always have one visitor so basically homes are no longer shut to visitors for weeks on end soon we won't know who has covid anyway unless symptoms

Blossomtoes · 05/04/2022 15:11

@Scianel

I think a lot of posters are overlooking the fact that OP's mother is dying Sad
Yes. I imagine if you’re terminally ill covid is the least of your worries.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/04/2022 15:27

"Yes. I imagine if you’re terminally ill covid is the least of your worries."

Is that sarcasm? Because I can't believe anyone would think that

Blossomtoes · 05/04/2022 17:41

No, it isn’t sarcasm. Why would you care about covid if you’re already dying of something else?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 06/04/2022 02:08

@Blossomtoes

No, it isn’t sarcasm. Why would you care about covid if you’re already dying of something else?
Because the op has already said that her mum is sat on her own all day in her room if she can't have visitors which is one of the reasons op wanted to go in

If there's covid in the nursing home then that's it shut down until its clear, meaning ops mum then spends another 10 days or more without visitors! Do you think that's what someone with cancer should have as an extra worry
? Not being able to see family for weeks?

My grandads been in hospital for 3 weeks now, terminally ill and is in last stage . Went in due to reaccuring infection, due to covid rules my mum is the only one who was able to visit

2 days before he was due to move to a nursing home him and his ward came down with covid

Now my grandad who has not long to live and who was living with my mum and having his family visiting every day has covid, is rapidly deteriorating to the point where he can no longer even take phone calls most days, hasn't had seen any family for 8 days and it's likely to be another 4 before anyone can go in

If ot wasn't for covid he'd be in a nursing home now with all his family around him.

In less than 3 weeks he's gone from being at home with his family around him, walking with support and being able to have a conversation to spending what might be the last few weeks of his life with no family around, confusion as the cancer is now in his brain and most of the time not understanding why we can't be with him

I managed to talk to him on Sunday with the help of a hcp on the ward, when I said I had to go he said please don't leave me on my own I want to see you

This is a man who has been like a father to us since my dad died when I was 16, who has spent his life thinking of no one but his family

And when he's dying and needs us around him qe can't be there because of covid.

Lucky you that you think covid isn't something to worry about If you are dying of something else

Onlywomengivebirth · 06/04/2022 02:34

@Blossomtoes

No, it isn’t sarcasm. Why would you care about covid if you’re already dying of something else?
Well, you wouldn’t. I certainly wouldn’t.

But Covid is well known for spreading like wildfire through care homes. Once it’s in there, residents can be confined to their rooms and have no visitors to try to stop the spread. Even if you don’t get it, it’s absolutely miserable for them.

Weatherwax13 · 06/04/2022 02:44

Of course you have to deal with the covid situation and whatever rules are in place. Which sucks.
But that wasn't even vaguely your DH's objection.
His issue is having to sort childcare whilst working.
Because you want to help your terminally sick mother.
So in answer to your original question, YANBU

hulahooper2 · 06/04/2022 07:18

You shouldn’t visit your mum if
Your son is positive

Abraxan · 06/04/2022 10:15

@Blossomtoes

No, it isn’t sarcasm. Why would you care about covid if you’re already dying of something else?
Unless the OPs mum is currently end of life then it's better to delay for a week or so.

If her mum tests positive and is hospitalised then she may not be allowed any visitors at all, even for end of life depending on the situation at the hospital at that time.

If the op is harbouring covid and passes it to others in the care home it could cause an outbreak causing the whole care home to shut done and restrict visitors. This often affects even end of life visitors.

If the op passes it to one of the carers it can cause short staffing at the care home leading to extra restrictions including paying visiting ti all.

It's about thinking slightly longer term than this week. And if the OPs parent has longer than a week or two left then it's far better all round to wait a bit to reduce the risk to everyone.

scatterolight · 06/04/2022 11:04

I honestly think covid compliance has sent people batshit. Why are you still testing when kids are getting it all the time and sailing through it? Maybe for your own knowledge but why tell work and scrap an important business trip? It's literally insane. It's like people WANT the virtuous inconvenience of it all. "Oh my life is so complicated and difficult because we have covid in our household." Mental!

Don't test and don't tell anyone if you do test. Simple solution.