In laws & Imposter Syndrome

[Scottishrugbyfan]

I'm looking for some advice/guidance in how to handle this personally.. please be kind with comments.

I have four month old twins and have recently had the in laws over again. They live in Wales, we live in England. I'm really getting annoyed with them saying they don't see our babies enough and every time they come, they say they will look so different the next time they visit. I just can't have them over too regularly as it's so full on when they come, they come as four as my DH has an aunt and uncle who always come with them too. We don't have a big house so it's a bit stressful when they're over. We are always hospitable and cook food, make drinks etc. But it's so tiring and I dread them coming. They also have an OCD in cleaning so my husband and I spend a day cleaning before their arrival as his Dad has pointed things out that weren't dusted before 😑 They also take a million photos of the babies when I'm not there (I'm quite particular about photos and said no to them being on social media) and start sending them round to everyone they know. I get that they are proud grandparents but it's really OTT.

Even more so I get annoyed because they never acknowledge that I'm doing a great job as a Mum 😔 They're so wrapped up in spending every single second with the twins that his Dad doesn't even make an effort to ask how I'm doing, or basic conversation. My DH keeps saying that I have imposter syndrome and just shouldn't care what his parents think but it's hard when I'm so tired and craving some form of recognition. I just feel they don't really acknowledge me as the twins Mum which is horrible. My DH doesn't see it or agree this is the case, so we are arguing about it. They think my husband is the bee's knees, say he is an amazing dad, so hands on, a great cook etc. They never compliment me. I sometimes feel like they tolerate me.

My parents are totally the opposite and are always saying how well we are both doing with the twins (they are our first children) plus making sure I get breaks when they see me because it's hard work on my own when DH is working full time. My parents live closer to me, 30 mins away so see the twins more often as help out with babysitting. My family are good at turning up with a meal for us, are very low maintenance and will sort drinks themselves as they know we are busy. It's just different but I'm conscious that I'm biased because they are my family.

I even sent a text this evening as the in laws left ours after a weekend here, saying that they experienced what it is like with me looking after the twins and it's not easy. But MIL didn't even respond to it and said they would let us know when they arrived home.

Late into my pregnancy they also discussed with DH about all four of them moving to England to live on our estate (!) To be closer to us... I was so stressed with the thought of it that I said no to DH. I just don't want them on my doorstep 24/7. They wanted to look after the babies full time but they are older, they don't have the energy for it and we also want our twins to be in nursery.

Also, when I delivered the babies I had post partum eclapmsia (and pre eclampsia, it wasn't an easy birth experience) and they kept on at my DH saying he should take the babies out of the hospital and they would move into the house to look after them whilst I recovered. We had huge arguments about this. The babies were right where they should be, with me. They just wanted to take over and to see the babies. I had asked them to hold off as I didn't want visitors until I was home and ready. I wanted us to be in our family bubble until we were settled. Of

It makes me want to avoid them coming to our house as it just causes me to feel worse each time. They're due back in May but I guarantee they will schedule another visit sooner. They also do it via my husband but don't ask me which I find so frustrating...I should be a part of any plans for visits to our home.

AIBU? What shall I do about the imposter syndrome? Should I see someone about it, I don't know how to get it out of my head? The more time goes on, the worse it gets. It is causing issues for my relationship which is awful.

Your husband needs to massively step up here and impose the boundaries you feel are necessary to your MH and parenting.

Being keen GP is one thing but they do sound awful, criticising and trying to barrel in after the birth to take over.

This isn't imposter syndrome. This is overbearing in laws and weak DH syndrome.

Your husband needs to prioritise you over his parents and Aunty and uncle.
You don’t have imposter syndrome, BTW, The term is being used incorrectly. You do have overbearing in laws who need to be told to back off.
I couldn’t figure out if the ILs stay with you or in a hotel. They can stay in a hotel from now on, if not.

Lastly, get used to being super-blunt with them. Be blunt to the point of rudeness. If they aren’t helping, tell them you are tired and need a drink, or some help making dinner or can they dip their hands in their pocket and get a takeaway. You need clear boundaries. This will help to make the relationship better in the long run. Your DH should obviously be standing up to them and putting the boundaries in place but if he is too weak then you will have to.

That doesn’t sound like imposter syndrome to me, it’s just you not wanting your in laws to overwhelm you. The comparison with your own parents is probably unhelpful given you are closer to them both in distance and emotionally.

Do all 4 actually come and stay in your house overnight 🤪because if they do that is absolutely bonkers,you are an extremely busy mother and having to clean and entertain all them,no way

Can you take it in turns and you go to visit them every other time? Takes the stress off you a bit to have a perfect house and all of them in it.

Also, when I delivered the babies I had post partum eclapmsia (and pre eclampsia, it wasn't an easy birth experience) and they kept on at my DH saying he should take the babies out of the hospital and they would move into the house to look after them whilst I recovered. We had huge arguments about this. The babies were right where they should be, with me. They just wanted to take over and to see the babies.

You're definitely not the problem here, they are. Your husband should have shut this down straight away. He needs to tell them to back off and to stop being so overbearing.

It's not imposter syndrome -- that's when a person feels they are doing something (eg a job) that they're not qualified to do - even though they are qualified - and everyone else in the job is much better at it so the person is afraid of being found out or exposed.

That doesn't sound at all like your situation and your DH is completely wrong. In fact he's your main problem. He is not supportive and you need support. He needs to tell his parents to back off.

They sound too much but cripes did you really send you MIL a text saying that?

I think that is def not the way too handle it!

Decide to give no shits about their views of you - be polite and put in place boundaries in terms of how much they can stay.

You're not really clear what your husband wants. its all very well people saying 'he needs to put in the boundaries' but you cant ask him to put your boundaries in place if they're not also his boundaries

What you could do however is refuse to buy into all the cleaning stuff, if they feel uncomfortable in an undusted home then they can stay elsewhere

You can also plan to do things other than be in with them, when they come, so taking the children out with your parents or friends.

If your husband feels the same as you then its easier because he will be able to say to them that they should stay somewhere else when they visit and that the visits are overwhelming and need to be shorter.

Having twins is so demanding that you need all the support you can get. You need to state clearly what you can manage - and having regular visitors should not be on that list! I'm guessing it's their first grandchildren? They've lost the plot a bit!

Hi OP, I'm glad you posted because what you are describing is not ok, but it's hard for you to see this without an outside perspective. So it's good that that's what you're getting here.

Is your DH a psychologist or mental health professional? I'm guessing not, because his "diagnosis" that you have impostor syndrome is very incorrect.

You are a busy mum or young twins with a recent, traumatic birth experience and hospital stay. During this your IL's offered, inappropriately, to remove your babies from your care. This was a bad-taste, wildly inappropriate offer and your DH should have shut it down and not even mentioned it to you. He's in the wrong that he even bothered you with his parent's stupid idea.

It's also wrong that they are coming, as a group of 4, into your home without consulting you and then making critical comments about the dusting which force you to do an extra deep-clean for them. This is all wrong - you're a new mum, you need none of this hassle. Again, your DH is in the wrong here for not shutting this down. He should be having a word with them about adjusting their expectations about housekeeping given that you have two tiny babies to care for. If they don't like your regular levels of cleanliness, they can simply stay away.

I had a very slightly comparable scenario, in that my MIL (who adores DH as he's her only child) was rude to me towards the end of my pregnancy. She was feeling insecure, about not being "the mum" anymore, etc, but she really crossed a line. My DH asked her to leave. She then called him to complain about me and what had happened, and he simply said "this is my wife, you can't speak to her rudely and expect to be in our lives. It's not acceptable. I love you but I won't put up with it." (Or some version of that). And the problem was solved.

So please believe me: You are not the problem. You have no syndrome.

You simply have badly behaved/stupid in-laws, and a DH who isn't sticking up for you.

He needs to get his head straight, have a clear discussion with you where you work out your boundaries (e.g. pay for a cleaner before they come; don't host them, they stay at a hotel; if they stay then it's just them, no aunty and uncle; they have to buy you flowers and say thank you to you for giving them grandchildren, etc!) and then he is responsible for telling IL's about the new rules, and for making them stick to them!

All you need to do is look after your babies, be happy and not worry about these silly, silly people.

Best of luck with it. You're doing amazing!

Well, wanting to remove your babies so you can recover!take two newborns away from mum says it all
Selfish selfish people.

Yes you have pushy selfish in. law's and weak DH syndrome.

In my family the women have massively struggled with fertility issues.

Whilst I don't think having a baby should single a female in the family out for special attention I do feel if in law's dislike you surely as a basic courtesy they should respect you?
Being a new mum is incredibly hard esp as your finding your feet.
The way some people ,in law's treat New mum's is beyond me?

I hope he just means imposter syndrome in response for you feeling they don't compliment you enough. Not that that's right either! Otherwise it sounds like he's trying to gaslight you. The text you sent was a bit odd, although maybe it was worded better than your description on here.

Your in laws sound incredibly self absorbed and ungrateful. It's also your DH who's the problem. He should be standing up for his new family. There's no way I'd have my mil, pil and an aunt and uncle stay, ever! That's too much. You need a serious chat with dh and also you need to stand up for yourself more. If your DH tells you they're all coming to stay soon don't say ok. "No, they can't come and stay then. They can come the month after and just mil and fil, and I we are not doing extra cleaning, cooking special meals, making endless cups of tea etc." Push back. This could go on for 18+ years!

Your dh needs to support you and tell the in-laws they need to stay in a hotel/Airbnb next time, do not allow them to land on you next time. 4 people is insane. They don’t get to dictate when they come, you do.

You should be getting help, not extra pressure from family.
Get them to stay in a hotel. Say its too much with the twins atm. Or start 'decorating' a room and never finish it.

What did your text say?

I don't think this is imposter syndrome at all, but pretty awful in laws!!

I can’t believe they actually suggested taking brand newborn babies away from their sick mother, so they could all play happy families without the annoying daughter in law around. They sound fucking moronic.

But also your H is being pathetic and his loyalties are in the wrong place.

This isn't imposter syndrome. This is overbearing in laws and weak DH syndrome

Agree

Your husband needs to remember he is married to you, not his parents or aunts and uncles.

As others have said you are using imposter syndrome incorrectly.

You have overbearing in laws, a weak husband and a need for validation from your in laws.

Stop getting annoyed at them for not praising your parenting skills. They won’t - and you don’t need them to validate you. You are an adult - you don’t need to be patted on the head by them.

Tell your husband to manage the visits better. Uncle and aunt don’t need to come each time. That’s a lot. Invite just the two of them.

They are family and it’s normal for them to visit. It’s not normal to bring the other couple every single time.

You poor thing. I had a friend who had twins at the same time I had one of mine, I can't imagine how exhausting it was for her. People should be helping you not criticizing your dusting.

Your husband needs to step up and support you more. A couple of obvious things - they don't get to come as a group of 4 - that would be way too much work for me with no little ones around, never mind you with twins. They also don't get to schedule visits via your husband bypassing you unless he is off work, around all the time for their visit and doing all the cleaning, shopping, catering and entertaining - yes it's his house too and he can invite his family but he doesn't get to repeatedly dump all this on you. The good thing is your own parents live nearby and are supportive - I would go for a long visit with them next time this lot descends if people won't adjust their behaviour and expectations.

You may not be able to get them to like you more, recognize how well you are doing, make supportive and encouraging remarks to you or stop thinking that your husband is some kind of deity but you can make things more bearable. Good luck.

They sound horrible OP. Your DH needs to step in here and protect you. You’ve just had 2 babies. And they are ruining what should be a special experience for you. You are the babies’ mum - not them. If your DH fails to step up tell them to get lost. I had this with my mil after I had my first baby and it caused me so much stress. Why do people do this??

@Sparkletastic

This isn't imposter syndrome. This is overbearing in laws and weak DH syndrome.

Yep.this.

One simple thing i did was i stopped preparing ANYTHING organising anything for in laws. So my DH frantically cleans, makes beds, cooks dinner etc.

Another simple thing you as a couple can do is say aunt and uncle visit separately to mil/fil and manage visits. I had huge fights with my DH over my mil visits (its virtually the only time we argue). She was invited for 3 days at christmas and came for 7??!? which was my entire annual leave and my last Christmas with DH without kids. I was 7 months pregnant.
He agree knowing my position so i did FUCK ALL to facilitate it (he is useless at organising anything so they had a miserable time) and i told him how badly he failed me and how shit my Christmas was and how it HAD to change.

When the baby arrived he was VERY clear it was a 24 hour visit MAX and she was invited when the baby was 4 weeks old (i had a straight fwd elcs but still... i needed to recover) This worked much better and is more managable for me.

No way could i handle 4 layabout guests

You are a SAINT and your husband is failing you.

I wish your in-laws could see the issues they’re causing for you and themselves. Who goes to a house with babies and criticises the cleaning? How can they not see that’s going to cause you not to want to see them?

I have a baby so I’m in awe of mums like you who have two to look after. I’m sure you’re doing a great job!