In laws & Imposter Syndrome

[Scottishrugbyfan]

I'm looking for some advice/guidance in how to handle this personally.. please be kind with comments.

I have four month old twins and have recently had the in laws over again. They live in Wales, we live in England. I'm really getting annoyed with them saying they don't see our babies enough and every time they come, they say they will look so different the next time they visit. I just can't have them over too regularly as it's so full on when they come, they come as four as my DH has an aunt and uncle who always come with them too. We don't have a big house so it's a bit stressful when they're over. We are always hospitable and cook food, make drinks etc. But it's so tiring and I dread them coming. They also have an OCD in cleaning so my husband and I spend a day cleaning before their arrival as his Dad has pointed things out that weren't dusted before 😑 They also take a million photos of the babies when I'm not there (I'm quite particular about photos and said no to them being on social media) and start sending them round to everyone they know. I get that they are proud grandparents but it's really OTT.

Even more so I get annoyed because they never acknowledge that I'm doing a great job as a Mum 😔 They're so wrapped up in spending every single second with the twins that his Dad doesn't even make an effort to ask how I'm doing, or basic conversation. My DH keeps saying that I have imposter syndrome and just shouldn't care what his parents think but it's hard when I'm so tired and craving some form of recognition. I just feel they don't really acknowledge me as the twins Mum which is horrible. My DH doesn't see it or agree this is the case, so we are arguing about it. They think my husband is the bee's knees, say he is an amazing dad, so hands on, a great cook etc. They never compliment me. I sometimes feel like they tolerate me.

My parents are totally the opposite and are always saying how well we are both doing with the twins (they are our first children) plus making sure I get breaks when they see me because it's hard work on my own when DH is working full time. My parents live closer to me, 30 mins away so see the twins more often as help out with babysitting. My family are good at turning up with a meal for us, are very low maintenance and will sort drinks themselves as they know we are busy. It's just different but I'm conscious that I'm biased because they are my family.

I even sent a text this evening as the in laws left ours after a weekend here, saying that they experienced what it is like with me looking after the twins and it's not easy. But MIL didn't even respond to it and said they would let us know when they arrived home.

Late into my pregnancy they also discussed with DH about all four of them moving to England to live on our estate (!) To be closer to us... I was so stressed with the thought of it that I said no to DH. I just don't want them on my doorstep 24/7. They wanted to look after the babies full time but they are older, they don't have the energy for it and we also want our twins to be in nursery.

Also, when I delivered the babies I had post partum eclapmsia (and pre eclampsia, it wasn't an easy birth experience) and they kept on at my DH saying he should take the babies out of the hospital and they would move into the house to look after them whilst I recovered. We had huge arguments about this. The babies were right where they should be, with me. They just wanted to take over and to see the babies. I had asked them to hold off as I didn't want visitors until I was home and ready. I wanted us to be in our family bubble until we were settled. Of

It makes me want to avoid them coming to our house as it just causes me to feel worse each time. They're due back in May but I guarantee they will schedule another visit sooner. They also do it via my husband but don't ask me which I find so frustrating...I should be a part of any plans for visits to our home.

AIBU? What shall I do about the imposter syndrome? Should I see someone about it, I don't know how to get it out of my head? The more time goes on, the worse it gets. It is causing issues for my relationship which is awful.

Why are SO many women with men, who are too weak to stand up to their OWN parents?! Especially when they are attacking/ berating/ upsetting his wife? (The mother of his children!) I see thread after thread after thread on here from women, frustrated and upset, and at their wits end, because of nasty, spiteful, incorrigible parents-in-law making their lives miserable. Why are their MEN not addressing this?

DH's mother upset me once - ONCE - when we first met. She got such a short shrift and SUCH a dressing down from DH, that she never said anything untoward to me again - EVER. Me and DH weren't even married then. Only been together a year at that point.

His dad never spoke out of turn either, and his brother said something rude ONCE, and HE got a verbal bashing from DH too. Never said anything else out of line after!

DH has got his flaws (as have I,) but he will never stand for ANYone upsetting me, and has always fought in my corner. I can fight my own battles and often do, but if he sees someone upset me, and I am really upset about it, they regret it pretty shortly after that.

I don't think I could stay with a weak and spineless man who couldn't stand up to his own family when they upset his wife (or DC.) My dad was the same as DH. A strong man who protected the ones he loved and woe betide anyone who crossed the line.

Couldn't be with such a weak man who couldn't be fucked to protect his wife/partner, and his children. Nope.

Not much help I know @Scottishrugbyfan but I am just frustrated at seeing this same thread on here every day, by different posters... FFS, TELL your husband to sort his fucking family out, or you'll leave him!

@MurmuratingStarling

I agree. At the core of these problems lies a husband issue not a mother in law issue.
My mother in law would be a piss taker if my husband allowed it, except he doesn’t.

The thing is though your dh has to tolerate your parents and as much as you have described their brilliant qualities your husband clearly values input from his parents.

It sounds like yours visit daily and his visit monthly?

I’m surprised you need validation from them that you are a good mother? They can probably sense you are uneasy but maybe from their perspective they don’t know what they have done wrong and only want to be part of their son and grandchildren’s lives?

Why do you need someone to validate your achievements as a good parent? 🤔🤔🤔

I don't think your husband knows what Imposter Syndrome is.

I do know that he's a spineless twat and is allowing his family to walk all over you.

[quote Eyedropeyeflop]@MurmuratingStarling

I agree. At the core of these problems lies a husband issue not a mother in law issue.
My mother in law would be a piss taker if my husband allowed it, except he doesn’t.[/quote]
Your DH sounds like a good man to be married to too.

As I say, DH isn't perfect, (neither am I!) but he has always ALWAYS fought in my corner, and for that I am grateful and happy. I have always fought in his too! ....... (Not physical obviously!!!)

You show no signs of "imposter syndrome."
I guess that that's the nonsense of someone who doesn't want to see and admit how far his family are from being fair or pleasant really.

@MurmuratingStarling

Same to you.

Yes my husband is a lovely man. Not perfect, neither am I. But we stick up for each other. We are a true team.

Why isn't your husband okaying visits with you first? It's your home ffs. Tell him any future visits should not be arranged with you both confirming.

You don't have imposter syndrome, but weak assed DH Syndrome

He needs to have your back, stop this excessive taking over your home & babies nonsense by his entitled family, or accept that you'll go it alone, because Golden Balls needs to understand that this shit is not normal & he cannot gaslight you into believing his nonsense

Try to stop caring what they might think of you. To be honest it’s neither your business or your problem! Only care about what you think of them. And if they’re not behaving as you need at the moment then you have every right to speak up and try to change it.

@MurmuratingStarling

Usually it's a Man who has been raised to please mum.
Unfortunately when we see selfish Mils thoughtless, nasty , happy to rip a new born from it's mum's arms to please themselves, this person isn't going too be sweetness and light elsewhere.

Quite often the man,the son is also at the mercy of his mother.

Forget imposter syndrome. DH hasn't a clue what he's talking about.

Just tell DH and the guests straight, they can't come and stay in your home as a foursome again. It's far too much disruption and stress for you and the babies.

They can stay at a hotel, or rent an Airb+B. And forget cleaning for the OCD fil.They accept your home as it usually is; and if they come for a meal just serve either a three course ready made from M and S, or order home delivery takeaway. Write a list of domestic tasks, pin it on the fridge and ask them all to help.

IF they can't meet your needs then when they come to visit DH you and the twins will be visiting your mother.

If 'imposter syndrome' is a recognised, diagnosable condition then it's news to me. But I disagree with that your DH has the context wrong. I think he knows exactly what it means, and is undermining you with the weak-arsed, patronising suggestion that you are an imposter in the role of mother. The implication here is that his mother has been a parent for X number of years and has raised X children, whereas you are an upstart, and know nothing.

I would be none-too-impressed with this frankly offensive suggestion, especially coming from a partner who is meant to have my back. You are the mother. No one in the world knows your baby as well as you do; YOU are the expert in your own child.

I wouldn't go looking for these people's approval. They're not qualified to give it and you really don't require it.

My DH similarly would not stand up for me against certain members of his family. I'd waited a long time for this to happen, and when a (far too long) period of time had elapsed, I knew for certain it wouldn't. So I gave DH an ultimatum. Either he dealt with them, or I would, and no one would like what I had to say.

He humoured me; I believe thinking that I'd be as afraid to tackle them as he is. I wasn't. The results were as predicted. I've now stepped right back and he completely manages the relationship between him, DC and them, with zero input from me. I'm VLC with his mother, and NC with his siblings (as now is he, for entirely separate reasons which are unrelated to me).

It's the one sore spot in my marriage. It wasn't a deal breaker, although in other circumstances it might have become one. And DH is under no illusions about this. Although we've moved past the situation, it's eroded some of the respect I had for him.

From experience, I can tell you that this never gets any better. It needs to be nipped in the bud now, or it's possible your marriage may become the casualty. Don't put up and shut up like I did. They'll despise you for it rather than respect you.

@PaperTyger

My DH was raised to feel sorry for mum. I appreciate what you’re saying, sometimes the fear, obligation and guilt runs into adulthood and you effectively have an adult boy child and not a man.

I think for my husband he had the intelligence and insight to understand his family dynamic so for him it’s made him extra firm with his boundaries and his MIL doesn’t stand a chance now with her poor me act.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks, I'm sorry for what's gone on with you and DH and your IL's. Well done for standing up for yourself though!

I'm not any sort of academic expert in family dynamics, but from what I've observed over the years my theory is that all MIL drama is fundamentally about the parents moving into a grandparent role. Some do it gracefully, some fight tooth and nail.

Basically for a child/young person, when they say "my family" they mean themselves and their parents. Then as they grow and mature, meet a partner and have their own kids, that first "family" of their parents becomes secondary family, and the primary group that comprises "my family" SHOULD be them, their partner and their kids.

Some MIL's fight hard not to become secondary family in this way; they want to stay the primary family for their grown up children. OP's example where the IL's offered to move into her home and take her babies away from her is an extreme but textbook example - her MIL would have literally played the mum to these babies... And the worrying thing is that DH not only repeated this "offer" to OP, but actually "argued" with her about it, when she was in hospital. That's hugely messed up :(

So thats' why I don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel uneasy and uncomfortable around the IL's, and to want some acknowledgement from them that she is, in fact, the MOTHER of these children. She's picking up accurately on what's going on here, which is that they are making her invisible in her own home so that the IL's and their DS remain the core, primary family unit.

What this means is that DH really has to make a choice. Who is he talking about when he says "my family"? If it's his parents and not his wife and kids, then OP should either ask him to commit to whatever therapy he need to get to the right answer, or seriously consider leaving him. She and her babies deserve better.

@WoolyMammoth55 Everything you have said is spot on. You are very perceptive.

@Scottishrugbyfan I’m glad you have a supportive family to back you up. I think you are going to need it. Keep strong and look after yourself and your babies. ❤️