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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws & Imposter Syndrome

92 replies

Scottishrugbyfan · 03/04/2022 21:34

I'm looking for some advice/guidance in how to handle this personally.. please be kind with comments.

I have four month old twins and have recently had the in laws over again. They live in Wales, we live in England. I'm really getting annoyed with them saying they don't see our babies enough and every time they come, they say they will look so different the next time they visit. I just can't have them over too regularly as it's so full on when they come, they come as four as my DH has an aunt and uncle who always come with them too. We don't have a big house so it's a bit stressful when they're over. We are always hospitable and cook food, make drinks etc. But it's so tiring and I dread them coming. They also have an OCD in cleaning so my husband and I spend a day cleaning before their arrival as his Dad has pointed things out that weren't dusted before 😑 They also take a million photos of the babies when I'm not there (I'm quite particular about photos and said no to them being on social media) and start sending them round to everyone they know. I get that they are proud grandparents but it's really OTT.

Even more so I get annoyed because they never acknowledge that I'm doing a great job as a Mum 😔 They're so wrapped up in spending every single second with the twins that his Dad doesn't even make an effort to ask how I'm doing, or basic conversation. My DH keeps saying that I have imposter syndrome and just shouldn't care what his parents think but it's hard when I'm so tired and craving some form of recognition. I just feel they don't really acknowledge me as the twins Mum which is horrible. My DH doesn't see it or agree this is the case, so we are arguing about it. They think my husband is the bee's knees, say he is an amazing dad, so hands on, a great cook etc. They never compliment me. I sometimes feel like they tolerate me.

My parents are totally the opposite and are always saying how well we are both doing with the twins (they are our first children) plus making sure I get breaks when they see me because it's hard work on my own when DH is working full time. My parents live closer to me, 30 mins away so see the twins more often as help out with babysitting. My family are good at turning up with a meal for us, are very low maintenance and will sort drinks themselves as they know we are busy. It's just different but I'm conscious that I'm biased because they are my family.

I even sent a text this evening as the in laws left ours after a weekend here, saying that they experienced what it is like with me looking after the twins and it's not easy. But MIL didn't even respond to it and said they would let us know when they arrived home.

Late into my pregnancy they also discussed with DH about all four of them moving to England to live on our estate (!) To be closer to us... I was so stressed with the thought of it that I said no to DH. I just don't want them on my doorstep 24/7. They wanted to look after the babies full time but they are older, they don't have the energy for it and we also want our twins to be in nursery.

Also, when I delivered the babies I had post partum eclapmsia (and pre eclampsia, it wasn't an easy birth experience) and they kept on at my DH saying he should take the babies out of the hospital and they would move into the house to look after them whilst I recovered. We had huge arguments about this. The babies were right where they should be, with me. They just wanted to take over and to see the babies. I had asked them to hold off as I didn't want visitors until I was home and ready. I wanted us to be in our family bubble until we were settled. Of

It makes me want to avoid them coming to our house as it just causes me to feel worse each time. They're due back in May but I guarantee they will schedule another visit sooner. They also do it via my husband but don't ask me which I find so frustrating...I should be a part of any plans for visits to our home.

AIBU? What shall I do about the imposter syndrome? Should I see someone about it, I don't know how to get it out of my head? The more time goes on, the worse it gets. It is causing issues for my relationship which is awful.

OP posts:

ImustLearn2Cook · 04/04/2022 03:04

@Scottishrugbyfan You are not the problem. They are. Talk about this with your family and get some backup support.

Next time your in-laws come to stay invite your family over so they can support you and show these people exactly how you should be treated: with love, respect and support.

NumberTheory · 04/04/2022 03:43

I agree that the main problem here seems to be overbearing ILs and a weak DH. I think putting your foot down a bit is reasonable.

But I'm also struck by your sentence about "craving some form of recognition" which isn't particularly healthy if you're looking to your ILs for that and does suggest that you might benefit from counseling or some other way to improve your self-belief. However, I don't think it will make their behaviour any better but would hopefully make you more confident in setting your boundaries.

DuckPuddledJemima · 04/04/2022 03:59

I think there is fault on all sides. They are excited to be GPs thats OK. You and your DH need to establish boundaries that work for all but you can't expect him to lavish yours with kindness and you not to at least try the same. Of course they will praise your DH as he is their son and has become a parent. They should be kind to you but your need for recognition is weird.

RustyShackleford3 · 04/04/2022 04:07

Your DH doesn't know what imposter syndrome means. He is using it in a context that doesn't make sense.

I think the bit about taking lots of photos of the twins and sending them to people is kind of fair enough... They are proud grandparents... But everything else you have listed here sounds very overbearing on their part. I'm not surprised you're fed up of their visits. I would be tearing my hair out.

Do they stay over at your house when they visit? Because that should probably stop. It's a huge imposition on you when you have 4 month old twins to look after and anyone with half a brain would understand that. I wouldn't dream of telling someone with a baby/babies that I'd be staying with them unless I was staying with them for the express purpose of being made useful - is caring for babies, doing chores etc.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse. He should be supporting you, not defending his parents inconsiderate behaviour and accusing you of having issues.

milkyaqua · 04/04/2022 04:13

You don't have imposter syndrome. You resent your in-laws. They are overbearing, critical, invasive, neat freaks, and you resent them.

You need to find a way to be less beholden to them, and less reactive to how they are - they are not going to become different people, and resentment is a waste of energy. You need to establish better boundaries around their visits and have more discussions with your husband; and you need to stop expecting them to praise you for your mothering skills, etc. That's an understandable wish but an unrealistic expectation. You need to work within reality.

milkyaqua · 04/04/2022 04:17

They're due back in May but I guarantee they will schedule another visit sooner. They also do it via my husband but don't ask me which I find so frustrating...I should be a part of any plans for visits to our home.

There you go. You should be part of any plans for visits to your home.

RustyShackleford3 · 04/04/2022 04:20

Totally unacceptable. You need to be consulted about people staying at your house. We're building up a picture of your DH here and it's not looking great so far.

lemmein · 04/04/2022 04:22

No way would I put up with this OP - I wouldn't even want 4 of my own family members staying in my home (assuming you don't live in Downton Abbey?)

I can't believe they thought it was acceptable to suggest taking newborns from their mum - just wow.

Nope, put your foot down lovely, you aren't being unreasonable, they need to back off and let you enjoy your time with your squidgy babies - they've had their baby time!

lemmein · 04/04/2022 04:23

Luckily my MIL hates me as much as I hate her so I don't have this problem

WTF475878237NC · 04/04/2022 04:23

I even sent a text this evening as the in laws left ours after a weekend here, saying that they experienced what it is like with me looking after the twins and it's not easy

^ I do think this is really odd and wonder if this is what your husband means by imposter syndrome. Why do you need recognition from these overbearing people instead of just needing them to back off? Do you get any recognition from your husband?

StoppinBy · 04/04/2022 04:27

4 month old twins and family like this.... who needs enemies!

I think you need to stop pushing for acknowledgement that will likely never come, it's only you who will get bothered by it.

Then, you need to sort out things with your hubby, even if it means involving a 3rd party who is non biased (counsellor, mediator etc) to help you get it sorted.

His family (and him) are out of line. I don't think I could forgive them trying to take my babies from me in hospital.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2022 04:54

Having 4 month old twins to look after and then on top having 4 guest to look after for the weekend is totally unfair and overwhelming

My dd has a new baby and I go and stay - to help, she’s not cleaning the entire house incase of criticism about dust. I’m getting up in the night to help, so she gets more sleep between feeds

These 4 are out of order and it’s not normal to impose like this, are they do anything to help?

tcjotm · 04/04/2022 05:05

Besides all the good responses from everyone else, of course the babies change each time they see them. Babies grow up fast, it’s life. They need to get over themselves, the babies aren’t doing so to spite them and you can’t be expected to allow them to be there for every moment.

Also if they are so obsessed with cleaning they can clean for you. No way should you be preparing for their visits!

LimeSegment · 04/04/2022 05:06

They sound annoying and I don't like having people stay over at all, so I get that.

But, and I mean this nicely, you need compliments and recognition from them? Really? Actually it's not common to recieve compliments on what a great mum you are from your in laws, or even from your family except maybe on very rare/special occasions. So you are expecting way too much here.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 04/04/2022 06:27

I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I was, or am, a good mum, and I have been a mum for over 42 years now. When my wonderful mum was still with us, I often told her how great a mum and grandmother she was, and we were incredibly close, but I don't remember her ever actually saying that to me, and until now it had never even crossed my mind that anyone except maybe my adult children would say that to me!

Potentialscroogeincognito · 04/04/2022 06:32

You don’t have imposter syndrome, you have a husband who doesn’t give a shit about you or what you want.

No one visits unless you are *asked not told.
They come, then they help. You will not be doing drinks or facilitating -that’s on him. Ideally they actually pitch in.
He has to do the “mad clean” you will not be doing visit prep.

Please tell him to stop gaslighting you into thinking this is a you problem, this is a 100% him problem and he needs to step the fuck up and grown a pair to tell them no.

Side note - if anyone even suggested taking my very newborn baby away from me into those first few weeks they would be given a very wide berth until I had calmed down. Who the fuck do they think they are?!

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2022 06:37

It sounds like you care too much about what they think; you don’t need their praise or recognition and if the house isn’t spotless then it doesn’t matter. If your fil feels the need to point out dust then hand him the hoover and say thanks, so kind of you to clean it up for us.

Also your dh needs to know which side he’s on here and who should be the priority

MiddleParking · 04/04/2022 06:41

Ew. I would so get the ick from a man who didn’t understand how to use the phrase ‘impostor syndrome’ correctly but weaponised it against me anyway.

Ivegotalovelybunch · 04/04/2022 06:42

Your husband is a dick

Staryflight445 · 04/04/2022 07:02

@Ivegotalovelybunch

Your husband is a dick

Basically this.

I think you need to be wondering whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who can behave in this way towards you.

Billybagpuss · 04/04/2022 07:05

If you can’t change your DH and his DP you can change how much you do.

Don’t clean, if they can’t accept your usual standards that’s on them and yes, just hand them a duster and say it’s so good you’re able to come and help out.

Don’t wait in them, maybe chuck a casserole in the slow cooker and get some bits in for breakfast but they’re family, they know where everything is they can help themselves.

If DH wants to do the usual, don’t help him.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 04/04/2022 07:35

If they come sooner than in May without your DH consulting you, then take your babies and arrange a surprise trip to stay with your parents for the duration of your in laws’ visit without consulting your DH. That should put an end to their lack of consideration.

Alleycat1 · 04/04/2022 07:44

I understand how annoying it must be if Pil praise DH for being a great dad but don't acknowledge your part in it. Just ignore it and be glad that your own family is supportive.
Could you cope.better with the visits if only your Pil came? Put your foot down over this. If they override your wishes take to your bed with vague symptoms shortly after they arrive and leave DH to cope with everything. He would probably then better understand your point of view.p
Don't bother to deep clean. Who has time for that with two tiny babies to care for? Again, DH can do it if his family are so stressed by a small amount of dust. They must all be incredibly dense if they don't realise that 2 babies to look after is exhausting and that house guests are an added stress that you just don't need. Good luck.

phishy · 04/04/2022 08:40

Put your foot down and say they can only stay in a local hotel or Airbnb. They sound awful.

And they can only come over once every two weeks and only when DH is home from work to host them. You are not their skivvy.

And stop doing anything for them, no drinks, no meals. DH sorts it all.

phishy · 04/04/2022 08:41

@Ivegotalovelybunch

Your husband is a dick

💯

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